The Lame-Assed Doppelganger (The Half-Assed Wizard Book 4)

by Gary Jonas

  “So you want me to sacrifice myself.”

  “He can do good things in the world, Brett. He’s got the talent. You cut corners. He does the work.”

  “And if I refuse?”

  “Then you both die.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  As I showered the sea brine from my skin, I stood in the stall thinking, this may be my last shower. As I toweled myself dry, I realized it could be the last time I ever did so. My last use of a toothbrush and toothpaste. My last shave. My last dash of cologne. My last chance to stare at myself in the mirror to wonder what the hell I was doing.

  As I got dressed, perhaps for the last time, I realized that I might never get laid again.

  Gideon sat on the bed, waiting.

  I walked over to him as I shook out the shirt I planned to possibly die in. “What time is it?”

  “Seven o’clock.”

  “Can we delay things a bit? I want to go pick up a hottie in the bar, bring her back here, and have one last roll in the hay before whatever happens.”

  He shook his head. “No time for that.”

  “There should always be time for that.”

  He shrugged.

  I shook my head. “Not giving me much incentive for playing ball here.”

  “If you want to play with your balls, maybe rub one out, I can step outside for a few minutes. You can afford the adult movie channel.”

  “And at my funeral they’ll say the last movie I watched was Cock Knockers 4.”

  “You won’t have a funeral, Brett. No one will know you died.”

  “You’re not helping.”

  “Just being honest.”

  I pulled my shirt on, but before I did, I stared at my upper arm, which was blank. The other Brett had a fiery pentagram tattoo that read, Genuine.

  “My dad labeled the Brett he liked best,” I said.

  “Sorry?” Gideon said, not following me.

  “The tattoo,” I said. “He labeled the other me as the real McCoy. Not that Star Trek has anything to do with it.”

  “That’s not where the term real McCoy comes from.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Next you’re going to tell me that Mr. Spock didn’t know shit about caring for babies.”

  He stared at me, not sure whether or not I was kidding. I didn’t clear it up for him because fuck him.

  “How did Solomon King manage to tattoo the Tarot deck into my doppelgänger’s arm?”

  “What?”

  “I kept the Tarot cards, so how did Solomon reproduce them? Does the other Brett’s tattoo even work? You took him to the tattoo parlor, right?”

  “No. The tattoo magically appeared on him some months back. Your father set it up so that magic you gained would also go to my Brett. He wasn’t allowed to cut his hair, which bothered him. He had to look exactly like you. It seems that you two are bound by your father’s magic.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Since when did magic make any sense?” Gideon asked.

  “Good point,” I said. But something about that bothered me. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

  “We should get going.”

  “I have a few stops to make on the way,” I said.

  “What for?”

  “Final goodbyes,” I said. “Just in case.”

  He shook his head. “No time for that.”

  “Even for the ones that are on the way? Michael, Sabrina, Lakesha, Demetrius?”

  “Sabrina and Michael will be at the testing ground.”

  “Not Lakesha?”

  “She declined. Said she doesn’t like being too close to wizards from the Council.”

  “Tell me about the test.”

  “I don’t know anything about it. I just know my Brett has prepared for it since I first met him.”

  “Who administers the test?”

  “You’ll see.”

  “Great. You’re so helpful.”

  “Time to go, Brett.”

  We stopped at a comic book store to get some comics to take to Demetrius. I don’t think I got the right comics, but Demetrius was cool about it. If the kid’s ghost picked up on any finality there, he didn’t show it.

  Our next stop was Lakesha’s shop, but we missed her, as the store was already closed.

  “Pull around back through that alley,” I said, pointing.

  “Why?”

  “She parks back there.”

  “Looks like she’s gone, Brett.”

  “Just go to the back.”

  He turned down the alley, and sure enough, Lakesha’s hearse was parked in the small lot behind the store.

  “Park,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

  I got out of the car before he stopped.

  Lakesha opened the back door to the shop when I knocked.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked. She studied me. “And which one are you?”

  “I’m the asshole,” I said.

  She grabbed my shirt sleeve and rolled it up to reveal no tattoo calling me genuine.

  “Come on in,” she said.

  I followed her through a narrow room into the more familiar backroom where she kept a table, chairs, and a bunch of tapestries and such. Isis sat on the table licking a paw. The cat looked up at me, hissed, and hopped down.

  “Right back at you,” I said.

  Isis ignored me.

  “Have a seat,” Lakesha said.

  I sat.

  She sat across from me and fingered her hooped earrings.

  “Gideon tells me I’m not going to survive the test,” I said.

  “You sure you don’t want to go home and take a nap?”

  “I’d love to,” I said, “but I don’t really have a home these days. I’m not sure I ever did.”

  She nodded and pursed her lips. She looked away without saying anything, though I suspected she wanted to tell me something.

  “Well,” I said, “I just wanted to thank you for trying to teach me shit.”

  “How eloquent,” she said.

  I ran a finger over her silk tablecloth. We sat there silent for a time, then at the same instant, we both started to speak.

  We both stopped.

  “You go,” I said.

  “You first,” she said.

  “No, I insist,” I said.

  She hesitated. “You could always just leave town,” she said.

  “And go where?”

  “Anywhere.”

  “My father will find me. He wants a son who can sign the accord. He wants a son who can pass the Magic Council’s test.”

  “He told me he gave you a chance to leave.”

  “He did?”

  She nodded. “You’re here looking for sympathy.”

  “A little, I guess. Truth is I have nowhere to go. And my father wants a son he can be proud of.”

  She gave me a sad head shake. “Good thing Sabrina’s not here,” she said.

  “Why?”

  “She’d tell you not to end a sentence with a preposition.”

  “That’s how we’re going to do this?” I asked.

  “What is it we’re doing?”

  “Saying our final farewell,” I said.

  “You could just pass the damn test.”

  “The other Brett studied for it his entire life.”

  “You’ve come a long way,” Lakesha said.

  “He’s the one my father wants. You like him better than me anyway. So does your damn cat.”

  “He’s nice to us.”

  “And I’m a total dick,” I said. “I get it.”

  “What did I tell you about sympathetic magic?” she asked.

  “Hell if I know.”

  “I talked to you about it for hours back in August.”

  “There’s your problem. You talked for hours. I tuned you out.”

  “In six words or less,” she said and grabbed my wrists. She waited until I looked into her eyes. “Think resembles.
Think imitation.”

  “Think genuine,” I said.

  “Exactly.”

  I gave her a confused look, and she sighed. “Think about it.”

  “You’re trying to tell me something.”

  “I can’t say it directly,” she said. “Your father’s magic is too strong. But so is yours.”

  “Fat lot of good that does me. Okay, I just wanted to say goodbye. And thanks for trying. I know I’ve been a handful.”

  I pulled my wrists free and stood.

  “I’m serious,” I said. She looked up at me and I held her gaze, staring deep into her eyes. “If I have any chance of surviving whatever’s coming, it’s because of what you taught me and I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done.” I took a deep breath, and maintained eye contact. “Thank you.”

  She rose and grabbed me again. This time she pulled me into an embrace. Was she going through the motions for me because that’s what she was supposed to do in this kind of situation? I couldn’t tell if she wasn’t really feeling it. But she held me longer than she had to, and in her arms, I felt something inside me break. I fought to keep it under control.

  “You’re a pain in the ass, Brett. Stubborn as the day is long.”

  She pulled back and I tried to gaze into her eyes, hoping to see at least a touch of emotion there. Maybe the hint of a tear. Something? She didn’t meet my gaze. Instead, she stared at my chest and patted me before turning away.

  She wiped her eyes. Were those tears? Did she care? Was she faking it?

  “You be you,” she said, softly.

  “Like I could be anything else.” I turned away and felt emotions well inside me, but I tamped them down because I didn’t want her to see me cry. I was the lazy guy who didn’t care about anything. I had a part to play, and I knew how to play it. I pointed at the cat. “Bye, Isis.”

  The cat made a point not to look my way.

  “I hate you too,” I said, and laughed because I couldn’t cry.

  The cat licked a paw and ran that paw over her face. I didn’t matter because I was too far away to scratch and I wasn’t worth the effort to cross the floor.

  “Right,” I said.

  I left the shop.

  Gideon waited with the engine running. I turned away from him and faced the building for a moment so I could dab at my eyes with my shirt sleeve. I sniffed hard, got myself under control. I took a deep breath, spun and walked over with a stoic expression because nothing was supposed to affect me. I wasn’t supposed to care about anything or anyone.

  I climbed into the limo, trying to hide the fact that I did care. I didn’t know it until that moment. I had no illusions about Lakesha caring that much about me. I was a pain in her ass and I’d never given her a reason to care. But she put up with me. She had the human decency to hug me goodbye. Something she didn’t have to do. And it didn’t matter how she felt about me, because I cared about her. I wished I’d been nicer to her.

  “All good?” Gideon asked.

  I took a deep breath. “Sorry I wasted my time,” I said, hiding my feelings. “Let’s get this over with.”

  Gideon drove out of the alley without giving me any shit about prepositions.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Moody Gardens closed at nine o’clock, and we pulled into the parking lot at ten. All three pyramids were lit along the corners with lines of light going straight up to the top creating glowing triangles. Gideon drove over to the largest of the pyramids. The employees had cleared out, and we were able to park close to the big structure. I’d never been inside, but I’d certainly seen the pyramids from the road. In the darkness, the big pyramid looked black, but I knew it was blue.

  The Aquarium Pyramid held thousands of marine animals, including sharks. I didn’t want to be shark food, so I didn’t plan to go inside to tempt them with my tasty flesh. For all I knew, one of them would morph into a Mako Clansman and try to chomp my ass. The structure held something like one-and-a-half million gallons of seawater.

  There was a slightly smaller pyramid that held monkeys, sloths, birds, otters, and other critters I didn’t want to see. They called that one the Rainforest Pyramid. Not my scene.

  The third and smallest was the Discovery Pyramid, where they gave shows on science and such. If not for the educational value, I could see going in there. No sharks to eat me, no birds to use me for target practice for their nasty white bombs.

  The other Brett pulled up in his yellow Lamborghini. He climbed out of the sports car and approached the limo carrying a small overnight bag.

  Gideon jumped out, and opened the door so Brett could get into the back with me.

  “Greetings and salutations,” he said, dropping the bag on the seat between us.

  “Blow me,” I said.

  “You’re in a mood.”

  “You’re a piece of shit. Don’t bitch about my language. No kids here.” I gestured around the back of the car to make my point.

  “Yes, well, it’s test time, and I’m exceedingly nervous.”

  “You’re a moron.”

  “I’m half-tempted to switch places with you, Brett,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know that I want to be a full wizard in the Council. I’ll have to answer to our father.”

  “Which reminds me, you’re a liar.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You said he was dying. Brain cancer. Six months to live. All that nonsense.”

  He gave me a sheepish grin, and adjusted his collar. He wore a nice suit, but no tie. I wore jeans and a t-shirt. “Well, I was trying to get you to take my place for the shows.”

  “Where people tried to kill me.”

  “And I warned you.”

  “But again, you lied. You said I’d crumble to sand.”

  “But you didn’t believe me.”

  “And you tried to say you’re the real Brett Masters.”

  “I am the real me,” he said.

  “You’re the double.”

  “Whatever,” he said with a wave of his hand. “Sabrina and Michael should be here soon.”

  “Why?”

  “Sabrina is a witness. Michael is hoping that our great-great grandmother can cure his vampirism. She can’t, but I wanted him here for moral support.”

  “You lied to him.”

  “I implied and he inferred.”

  “Right,” I said. “You can change the subject all you want, but you’re still the double. The tattoo proves it.”

  “The one that says I’m genuine?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Dad gave you that so he’d be able to tell us apart.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You had to keep your hair styled like mine. You got the same tattoo of the Tarot that I did, only mine actually works because mine is legit. You never even met Solomon King.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “Tattoo artist wizard dude,” I said. “Total dick.”

  “I got the tattoo due to Father’s magic. And it’s interesting because every now and then, the Tarot card changes.”

  “Proof that you’re the duplicate. I got the actual tattoo. I can ask questions and the cards answer. Okay, answer might be pushing it because it’s not that useful, but those are all original to me.”

  He laughed. “You’re such a moron,” he said. “Father had me studying. He didn’t subject me to tattoos and such. He had me keep your hairstyle so I could step in when the time was right. Now your life is mine, only I made it better.”

  “Your idea of better is debatable.”

  “Regardless, your silly idea about you being the real me does not make any sense. I was the one under protection. I was the one gaining knowledge.”

  “You were the one being Daddy’s good little boy.”

  “You’re just jealous because he never liked you.”

  “And you think he likes you?”

  He spread his hands. “Like might be pushing it, but in your
case, he kept feeding things to you to magic you up so when you died, he could have your body brought to me and I could assimilate what little magic and essence you have.”

  “Why would he need my body?” I asked.

  “Because the rest of the magic I need to pass the test is inside you.”

  “If you were the real me, you wouldn’t need that magic.” But as I spoke the words, I realized that if the magic he needed was in me, maybe the magic I needed was in him.

  Headlights interrupted our argument, as Michael pulled up in his black Dodge Charger. He and Sabrina got out of the car and approached the limo.

  Brett opened the door and we got out, too. I had to toss the overnight bag out of the way.

  “Are you ready?” Sabrina asked.

  “I’m nervous,” Brett said.

  “When will the Matriarch be here?” Michael asked.

  “Matriarch?” I asked, playing dumb.

  “Our great-great grandmother. She’s the Grand Matriarch, ruler of the Magic Council.”

  “I knew she was high up, but I didn’t realize she was the boss.”

  “Has been for a hundred years. Will be for another hundred at least.”

  “She’s amazing,” Sabrina said. “I’ve always wanted to meet her.”

  “She’s a bitch,” I said.

  “Don’t let her hear you say that,” Brett said.

  “I’ll tell her that to her face,” I said. “Still, she and I agree about one thing.”

  “What’s that?” Brett asked.

  I grinned. “That Dad’s an asshole.”

  “He prides himself on that,” Brett said.

  Michael stared at me and my twin. He shook his head. “Other than your wardrobe choices and vocabulary, you guys are identical. It’s weird.”

  Sabrina laughed. “Lazy Brett has a tan, but you can’t tell that in this light. Still they’re easy to tell apart. The way they carry themselves is totally different. Look at lazy Brett’s posture, for instance.”

  “Very funny,” I said, trying to straighten up a bit.

  Sabrina nodded. “See?”

  Brett and I looked each other up and down.

  “How does the test work?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know, but we need to get ready.”

  “I’m ready.”

  He shook his head. “Sabrina is right. We can’t get to where she won’t be able to tell us apart, because she’s spent too much time with each of us. But we should be able to fool the others. There’s a change of clothes in the bag. We need to be dressed exactly the same, so I took the liberty of bringing an extra suit.”