No Apologies

by Sybil Bartel

  “Nothing.” I hopped on stage and set my bass down. Myles watched me curiously as I pushed the old piano upfront from backstage. It looked beaten to hell but it sounded good.

  “Embarking on a new career?” Myles joked.

  “Something like that.” I grabbed the bench and sat at the keys. “Ready?”

  Myles knew I played piano but he still looked surprised. “Yeah.”

  “Join in if something comes to you.” I began to play.

  I sang my heart out and it sounded better than at home. When I played the last note, I looked up at Myles.

  Eyes wide, he looked stunned. “Holy. Shit,” he whispered. “Again.”

  My fingers played the first chords and Myles picked up his guitar.

  This time when I played the last note, Myles was shaking his head. “Dude. That’s pretty powerful. I like the whole unplugged, raw vibe to it. It sounds desperate, but in a good way.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Do I want to know what happened?” he asked tentatively.

  I ignored the concern on his face. “I want to close with this. Think we can get it tight enough before the show?”

  “It’s tight, dude, it’s tight. It’s awesome. I’m not sure I’d mess with it. I like the piano-ballad edginess it’s got going on. But...” He hesitated and glanced behind him. “Let’s try it with percussion.” He moved to drum set.

  An hour later, we had it. The piano and my lyrics did the heavy lifting and the percussion kept a somber beat. Myles called Ben and Aaron to come in early and we ran through it together a few times. Emotionally, I was spent but I had one more thing to do before the show. I texted Carly.

  Me: Come to 701 tonight. 9pm. Please. I won’t ask for anything else

  Then I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t be disappointed. I was going through with it, no matter what. I shoved my phone in my pocket and Myles slapped me on the shoulder.

  “Ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be.” I told myself it was going to be worth it, even if she didn’t show. Music was my catharsis. I’d be where I needed to be. “Let’s hit it.”

  We played the first set and I was distracted. Carly hadn’t shown. I kept scanning the crowd. Her white-blond hair was easy to recognize, so I knew she wasn’t here. By the middle of the second set, I’d resigned myself to the fact she wasn’t coming and focused on losing myself in the music. When we finished the second-to-last song, I shrugged out of my bass and went to the piano. Myles’s voice boomed through the mic.

  “We’ve got one last song for you tonight. It’s new and you’re gonna love it. Ladies, go easy on Graham, he’s singing his broken heart out!”

  The audience roared and I could’ve killed Myles, but he immediately turned from the mic and counted down. My hands over the keys, I played the first chords and began to sing.

  I handled everything like I knew what I was doing wrong

  I spoke to you with nothing more than careless words and song

  I knew what I was doing hurt you from the pain I found

  But sorry wasn’t something I ever gave or pushed around

  It’s too late to take it back, it’s too late

  I made stupid choices, listening to past voices

  When all I should’ve done was wait

  I was never going to win this

  Still I’m standing witness

  So here’s the words I never gave you

  I’m sorry and I need you

  I’m never going to replace you

  I lost the air when I lost you

  It’s too late, it’s too late

  Yesterday you forgave me but all I wanted was the time

  Two steps back and the night that was never mine

  I’d erase all the pain and take my mistake and aim

  Higher with your heart, higher with your trust, I’m the only one to blame.

  It’s too late to take it back, it’s too late

  I made stupid choices, listening to past voices

  When all I should’ve done was wait

  I was never going to win this

  Still I’m standing witness

  So here’s the words I never gave you

  I’m sorry and I need you

  I’m never going to replace you

  I lost the air when I lost you

  It’s too late, it’s too late

  You wanted nothing more than my words to match

  My actions told you lies that you never should have had to ask

  I put you in this situation that you never should’ve had to live

  I told you I was broken, I said I had nothing to give

  It’s too late to take it back, it’s too late

  I made stupid choices, listening to past voices

  When all I should’ve done was wait

  I was never going to win this

  Still I’m standing witness

  So here’s the words I never gave you

  I’m sorry and I need you

  I’m never going to replace you

  I lost the air when I lost you

  It’s too late, it’s too late

  I never meant to hurt you

  It’s too late, it’s too late

  I played the last note, pushed back from the piano, grabbed my bass and went backstage. The cheering of the crowd left me with nothing. Out of breath, heart pounding, I paced until the rest of band showed.

  “That was awesome! They loved it, did you hear them?!” Aaron was practically bouncing off the walls.

  “Good show,” Ben said quietly as he passed me.

  Myles grabbed my shoulder. “You good?”

  “Yeah.” But I wasn’t. She didn’t show. I thought she’d show. I was sure she’d show. I couldn’t stand still. I needed something to take the edge off. I needed sex or alcohol or something I could hit. “I’m out of here.”

  I pushed through the crowd to get to my office so I could grab my car keys. When I opened the door to the back hallway, I stopped dead. She was leaning against the wall.

  She was here.

  Ponytail, baseball cap, tight cropped pants, sports bra, running shoes. Sweaty and small and sad, she looked fucking incredible.

  Honest blue eyes met mine. “What’s the title of the song?”

  “‘Apology.’” I held my breath.

  She nodded then looked down. “A little more warning and I would’ve showered.”

  I exhaled. “I just wrote it today.” Would she run if I touched her?

  “You never apologize.”

  I never wanted to apologize. I wanted to be right. I wanted her to accept those words I gave her that night. I wanted her to realize it was more than I’d ever given. I wanted her to accept me and I wanted it without an apology. But Hummingbird, she’d needed the words. I didn’t say anything.

  Fidgeting, she shifted her feet. “It’s one of your rules.”

  I took a step closer. “It was.”

  She stilled. “Was?”

  “I’m making an exception.” And because I felt like she was slipping farther away, and because now that I had her here and I was desperate, I said two innocuous words that strung together meant more than anything I’d ever said. “For you.”

  She pushed off the wall like she was getting ready to bolt.

  “Look at me,” I demanded.

  “I should go.” Head down, she didn’t.

  I reached out, tipped her chin up and I saw it. Jaw set, eyes tight, lips rigid. She hadn’t forgiven me. “You said you forgave me. Why did you lie?”

  “I do, I didn’t lie.” She pulled back and glanced away. “I wanted to forgive you.”

  “Which is it?” I didn’t know why it mattered, but it did.

  She looked up. “How come you won’t apologize?”

  “I just did. In front of hundreds of people.”

  “And that’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  Slow, careful, she nodded. “Actions, words, gestures, it should be enough. I think
it’s probably more than you’ve ever given.”

  I didn’t deny it.

  The anger gone, she looked at me beseechingly. “So why doesn’t it feel right?”

  This was bullshit. I was done talking. Rough, desperate, I pulled her into my arms and snaked my hand around her neck. “Because sometimes you have to feel, not hear.” And I kissed her—frantic, demanding, consuming, I-couldn’t-get-enough kissed her. And damn if she didn’t kiss me back.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Territorial

  Carly worked the next two nights. We never talked about that kiss in the hallway and I didn’t push it. I’d driven her home and I hadn’t touched her again because I didn’t want to scare her. She said she’d forgiven me and I told myself that was all I’d wanted. Except I felt a shift between us and I knew it was because she didn’t trust me.

  After practice each night, I stopped by the bar. It was a new kind of torture watching all the pricks flirt with her, some more aggressively than others. It was of little consolation that she wore her patient smile. I knew the difference now and even though I got the benefit of her genuine smile each night I walked in, I still hated the attention she received. It didn’t matter that I was one of the pricks vying for her smile. I felt territorial. Not a good sign.

  The second night I was about to leave when Harlan waltzed in with a few friends. They all had his same physique. Now that I knew them to be FBC fighters, I hated them more. Not seeing me, Harlan walked behind the bar and put his arms around Carly from behind. She jumped when he touched her, then she went deadly still. The same way she had in my arms in her apartment. I saw red. Harlan whispered something in her ear, kissed her cheek and released her.

  I was off the stool faster than I could spit. I shoved two of his cronies aside and grabbed Harlan just as he came out from behind the bar. Having the advantage of surprise, I slammed him against the wall.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I hissed. The fucking piece of shit, how could he not notice what he’d done?

  Glancing over my shoulder, Harlan held his hand out. I knew his fucking fighters were behind me but I didn’t give a shit. I was so pissed, I’d take them all on adrenaline. I didn’t even have respect for Harlan telling them to back off so he could fight his own fight.

  “I asked you a question.” I pulled him forward a few inches then slammed him back again, his head making a satisfying thud against the wall.

  His hands grabbed my forearms. “What’s your problem, freak?”

  Harlan tried to act casual, that or he was too stupid to know he was about to hurt. “You don’t fucking sneak up on a woman and you don’t touch Carly.”

  Harlan laughed. “So you own her now?”

  “You fucking stupid? No one owns her. She’s not a fucking dog.” I was going to beat his fucking face in.

  “Graham.” Her voice was quiet.

  I flashed to Carly and got even angrier when I saw her lost look of fear. Rage warred with the need to go to her.

  “I’m okay.” Her voice tiny, her eyes wide, she stared at me. Only me.

  I looked back at Harlan. He shoved me off but I used my height and got in his face. “You ever walk behind that bar again, I’ll break both your fucking arms, and if you touch her again, I’ll make you wish you were dead.”

  “Piss in the sand all you want, tattoo freak. I was here first. Carly and I are friends.” The motherfucker was smug.

  “Then you should know better, you fucking moron.” I wasn’t going to embarrass Carly in case she really was friends with this piece of shit.

  Carly called to Harlan’s friends, telling them to grab a table. Then she turned on Harlan. “Don’t come behind the bar, Harlan. I’ve told you that. Go join your friends, I’ll bring a pitcher over.” She turned on her heel and went about getting them beer.

  Harlan and I eyed each other then he slowly backed up a few paces before joining his loser friends. I took the pitcher and glasses from Carly and walked them to the table myself. I slammed the beer down, sloshing out half and strode off, my point made.

  I settled back into my seat at the bar. No way was I leaving now. I switched to Coke and waited for Carly to help a few more customers. I was going to hear an earful from her but I didn’t care. I’d seen the look on her face and I wasn’t going to apologize for what I did. Harlan was a fucking tool.

  Carly eventually came back to me but when she spoke, she threw me.

  “Thanks for that,” she said shyly.

  I exhaled. “You’ve got no protection here. You can’t keep your back to the door if you hear people come in.” It was bad enough that only Friday and Saturday nights had a bouncer.

  “I’ve got my Glock and there’s a shotgun mounted under the bar. I know how to use them both. There’s a panic button by the register and I know ninety percent of the customers. I’m as safe as I can be.”

  I rubbed my hand over my face. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

  Carly smiled, her real smile, and took my hand. “I have you for the rest. Besides, Harlan won’t come behind the bar again. He may look tough, but he’s not a fighter.”

  Fuck. I wished like hell she hadn’t said that. I couldn’t let it go unchecked. “I happened to be here tonight, but I’m not always going to be around to protect you.”

  Her face fell. “I know.” She looked away, taking her hand back.

  Reaching across the bar, I tipped her chin. “C’mon, Hummingbird. You know this isn’t going the distance. I’m here, tonight, I care about you, but I’m not a keeper.” Shit, she was the one who’d told me she was off-limits.

  Carly didn’t say a word. She didn’t even look at me when she walked off to take care of another customer.

  I spent the next hour nursing a Coke and trying to ignore the immature shit Harlan and his friends were saying. By the time Carly came out from behind the bar to wipe down some tables, I was desperate to get her to talk to me.

  I waited till she finished with the tables and was walking back to the bar. “Come here,” I said quietly so only she’d hear.

  She inhaled, then walked over and stood two feet in front of me.

  “Closer.”

  She closed the distance by only a foot.

  I took the rag from her hand and tossed it on the bar. “Closer,” I whispered.

  She hesitated.

  I caught her hand and pulled her between my legs.

  She dropped her head.

  “Hummingbird,” I breathed against her cheek, brushing my lips against her throat. “I’m here, now. With you.”

  She moved back an inch.

  I leaned forward and kissed her jaw. “This is right where I want to be.” My fingers brushed up her arm. “Trust me?”

  She didn’t say anything. Her breath gently hitting my skin, she stood perfectly still.

  Entwining my fingers with hers, I squeezed. “Answer me.”

  “Yes,” she whispered, still not looking at me.

  I put her hands on my thighs and held them there. “I want to see your eyes.”

  She brought her face up.

  “This is me wanting you.” Barely touching her lips, I kissed her but she didn’t respond. I trailed my nose to her ear. “Let me kiss you.” Taking her face in both hands, I slanted my mouth across hers and she yielded. When her sweet, tentative tongue met me halfway, it was more than victory. It sent me over the edge.

  Groaning, holding her so her back was to Harlan, I’d accomplished what I set out to do but I couldn’t stop. I knew I was demeaning her at her work, I knew I was a bastard for marking her as my territory, and I knew I should leave her alone but I couldn’t stop.

  Maybe I was scared this wasn’t enough for her, maybe I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her, or maybe I just wanted this desperate feeling to go away. All I knew, what I was about to do was wrong. It would scare her but I couldn’t stop myself. I pulled her hand to my lap and held it exactly where there’d be no misunderstanding. My voice hoarse,
I forced the words out. “This is how much I want you.” I let go of her.

  She instantly pulled her hand away and looked at me with accusation. “Then stop hurting me.” She walked into the back office.

  Fuck.

  Harlan appeared in front of me with murder in his eyes. “You hurt her and I will kill you.” He glared at me a moment then followed his loser friends out of the bar.

  Okay, maybe I had an ounce of respect for him.

  Carly came back with her fake smile plastered across her face. She made a show of checking on the few remaining customers then came over to clear my glass.

  “Harlan’s gone. You can leave now.”

  “I wasn’t here for him.”

  Her smile faltered, she dropped her voice. “Please, just leave, Graham.”

  “Not until you talk to me.” I wasn’t leaving things like this. And I was ignoring the fact that had this been any other woman, I would’ve walked the second she went in back.