Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld

by Linda Washington

  Timepieces

  As we mentioned in chapter 17, the monks of history use procrastinators. These devices store and release time. Many are stationary, but some are portable. They differ from the time machine used by the Time Traveller in H. G. Wells’s 1895 novel The Time Machine, or the DeLorean, the 1980s car that runs on plutonium in the Back to the Future trilogy, in that you can’t program it to go to a specific time or place and appear there instantly. Using portable procrastinators enables Lobsang and Lu-Tze to travel around Ankh-Morpork once time had stopped. Handy when you want to avoid traffic.

  Another innovative timepiece is the great glass clock Jeremy Clockson builds in Thief of Time. It uses crystals and the cosmic quantum tick (Newton’s tick of the universe) to measure time. But because it also destroys the universe (you see now why Jeremy has an Igor working for him), we can’t see the marketable value of such a timepiece. A Rolex is preferable.

  Qu, the inventing monk who is an allusion to the Q of the James Bond series, talks about yet another timepiece—an exploding Mandala. The Mandala—“colored chaos” as Pratchett refers to it in Thief of Time138—is a roomful of sand, but not one in which you’d set a toddler to play. These are the sands of the universe according to Hindu beliefs—thus far more potent than the sands of the timekeepers Death uses. Exploding Mandala is exploding sand—sort of like having time blow up in your face.

  Other Magical Items

  The wizards have their hands in the technological stew with the omniscope (Going Postal)—a magical mirror—and Hex, a “thinking” machine Ponder Stibbons monitors, which controls thaumarhythms. With Hex, we can’t help thinking of the old-fashioned computers of the 1950s and 1960s—the ones that used to take up a whole room and spit out keypunch cards. Gone are those days, since the invention of the personal computer. He also reminds us of K9, the robot dog who was a rolling fount of information in the Doctor Who series.

  The magic mirror is a staple of fairy tales. Consider the “mirror, mirror on the wall” of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and new tales such as Fairest by Gail Carson Levine. Lily Weatherwax uses mirror magic in Witches Abroad, just as the Evil Queen did in The 10th Kingdom.

  WEAPONS AND WARFARE

  If you saw any of the Lord of the Rings movies, you saw some of the weapons or machinery ancient civilizations might have used in times of war (the trebuchet, bows and arrows, the crossbow, the battering ram, the sword). Fancy.

  If you’re a Clancy aficionado, you’re used to major machines of war, such as tanks, guns, fancy ammo, chilling chemical weapons, and nukes aplenty. Well, a whole arsenal of weapons is mentioned throughout the Discworld series, especially in the City Watch books. After all, the watchpeople come armed with a truncheon, sword, and a crossbow.

  Many of the weapons used by the Watch were developed by Burleigh and Stronginthearm. Of course, when we read about Burleigh and Stronginthearm, we thought immediately of Smith & Wesson, the famous U.S. gun manufacturing company founded by Horace Smith and Daniel Wesson back in 1852. Burleigh and Stronginthearm make the Discworld weapons of choice—crossbows such as the ominous Streetsweeper or the Shureshotte Five mentioned in Jingo. If Dirty Harry, the magnum-carrying police officer popularized in the 1970s by Clint Eastwood, existed in this series, he would probably carry either one of those or the Locksley Reflex 7 crossbow (reminiscent of Robin Hood’s name—the Earl of Locksley), also mentioned in Jingo.

  On an armory visit in Men at Arms (a very appropriate title), Nobby Nobbs finds several “toys,” which include the glaive, a siege crossbow, and a morningstar. If you’re up on medieval weapons, you know that a glaive is a pole weapon—a blade with a single edge attached to a pole. A morningstar is a macelike club with spikes. Handy for crowd control. The “‘Meteor’ Automated Throwing Star Hurler” is, of course, an allusion to the throwing stars or hira shuriken that ninjas use—thin-bladed metal stars.

  We already mentioned the gonne—Leonard of Quirm’s weapon of destruction. There are other weapons: the clong-clong, dakka, the pika, and the uppsi of the Dojo of the Tenth Djim mentioned in Thief of Time. The clong-clong could be nunchaku or nunchucks—the two sticks chained or roped together. The pika could either be an allusion to the pike—the spearlike medieval weapon—or one like the feathered spear wielded by Shu Lien in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The uppsi could be a throwing star, while the dakka stick could be a tonfa—a wooden shaft about two feet long with a handle. Usually a person wielding the tonfa has a pair. Or they could all be made up by Pratchett. He does that, y’know.

  Of course, chocolate proves to be the best weapon of all, one used against the seemingly invincible Auditors in Thief of Time. It also beats depression, too. It may not be high tech, but it gets our vote for best weapon.

  The Inventive Mind of Leonardo da Vinci

  The constituent parts of nature are finite, but the works that the eye commands of the hands are infinite.

  —Leonardo da Vinci139

  It pays to have keen observation. While Leonardo is known for lacking a university education, he made up for it by an irrepressible curiosity. Could a man fly like Daedalus and Icarus? Sure. All you need is the right design and a grip on aerodynamics. Thus Leonardo created a hang glider of sorts that hundreds of years later was built and flown. He called it an uccello—a great bird.

  He also had a grasp of engineering and the value of a good pulley system. They would’ve loved him at Home Depot. Like his Discworld namesake, Leonardo had a few weapons and other war toys in his creative arsenal, namely the tank, a giant crossbow, and the steampowered cannon, as well as an apparatus for breathing underwater. Many of these were created under the patronage of the Duke of Urbino. Ironically, Leonardo was against war.

  Yet others are also credited in the history of the cannon and the creation of gunpowder before the tenth century. Some form of gunpowder, or at least saltpeter, was in use in China, along with the precursor to the cannon. Exactly who came up with the ultimate formula for gunpowder is debatable. Thirteenth-century Franciscan friar and philosopher Roger Bacon, whose genius Leonardo admired, had a recipe. And a German monk named Berthold Schwarz may also have invented a type of cannon. Still, you have to give props to the maestro of the Renaissance—Leonardo da Vinci.

  20

  In the Real World

  Maybe by now you’re wondering just as we are what would happen if the Discworld characters were suddenly sucked into the vortex of reality/game show TV in our world (with Terry Pratchett’s approval, of course)? Which characters would last on Survivor or Survivorman? Amazing Race? American Idol? Project Runway ? The Bachelor? The Apprentice? Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? DIY shows like the ones you see on HGTV or TLC? Based on the books of the Discworld series, we can only guess.

  First, the contestants …

  SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

  You already know about Survivor—the CBS show that drops ordinary people like us on remote locations and leaves them to … survive. And you probably watch Survivorman—the Science Channel’s ultimate Robinson Crusoe experience with its one-guy-no-cameracrew approach—too.

  Due to their against-all-odds survival on Fourecks (or XXXX if you prefer) in The Last Continent, Mustrum Ridcully, the profs of Unseen University (the Dean, the Senior Wrangler, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, etc.) and their refined housekeeper, Mrs. Whitlow, would make a formidable team on Survivor. We’ll call them Team UU, since we don’t know the Survivor site (we don’t make those up) and can’t think of a clever tribal name to go with an island location we don’t know. The wizards have the benefit of magic. Mrs. Whitlow … has the benefit of being Mrs. Whitlow. Unfortunately, the wizards tend to argue, so we would expect any alliances to end by the second week. As the weeks progress, we expect Team UU to whittle down to Ridcully and Mrs. Whitlow for sure, due to Ridcully’s tenacious grasp on life. And since Ridcully is a gentleman and a little afraid of Mrs. Whitlow, we expect Mrs. Whitlow to be the lone survivor of that team.

  Meanwhi
le, Rincewind and the Luggage (Team Coward) would make powerful allies. And since the Luggage, that sapient pearwood box of menace, could swallow the other contestants one by one, they would be unstoppable! Yeah! But Rincewind has a tendency to leave the Luggage behind. So, there goes that alliance before it even gets off the ground.

  Vimes and Colon (Blue Team) would make an excellent team due to their ability to survive murderous werewolves and golems in The Fifth Elephant and Feet of Clay, respectively. But since both are family men, expect neither to show up at the Survivor drop site—not if Sybil Vimes and Colon’s wife have anything to say on the subject.

  The team to beat is Rincewind, Conina, and Nijel (Team Wunderkind), based on their team-up in Sourcery, in which they survive the mage war. With a deadly weapon like Conina, the daughter of Cohen the Barbarian, there’s no way they could lose, unless the Luggage is involved and it’s ticked off by someone. But since Conina and Nijel don’t enter the Dungeon Dimension and Rincewind does, we wouldn’t expect them to out-survive Rincewind.

  Of course, the nature of a TV show like Survivor means that only one person can survive. That means we’re down to Mrs. Whitlow and Rincewind for the final match. Since Rincewind has survived everything that Pratchett has thrown at him, well, he’s the evident favorite, one who would out-survive even Mrs. Whitlow.

  Because of his involuntary survival skills, we could see Rincewind acing Survivorman as well. Again, we’re not drunk. Rincewind could give Les Stroud a run for his money. Because he makes the trip to Fourecks as well as survive in the Dungeon Dimension and other extremely hostile environments, we would back Rincewind to win, hands down. Of course, in a hand-to-hand combat, Les Stroud could beat Rincewind easily. So could Greebo, Nanny Ogg’s villainous cat. But Rincewind is the original Survivorman.

  A Race Against Time

  The Amazing Race pits team after team on a race across designated locations around the world, with embarrassing side games thrown in involving plowing, pulling, or carrying large or slippery objects for our viewing pleasure. We don’t have to tell you who would be an incredible match-up for that show. Okay, you convinced us. We’ll tell. Our dream teams: Rincewind, Two-flower, and the Luggage (team 1); Granny, Nanny, and Magrat (team 2); and Nobby Nobbs, Sergeant Colon, Lord Vetinari, and Leonard of Quirm (team 3).

  Since Twoflower has an amazing ability to find danger everywhere as we learn in The Color of Magic, The Light Fantastic, and Interesting Times, this would be a race not only against time but for survival as well. But we can almost predict that his team would be locked in a Turkish prison somewhere and would be eliminated within the first twenty-four hours.

  Leonard of Quirm, Nobby, Colon, and Lord Vetinari travel to Al Khali, a city in Klatch, in Leonard’s Going-Under-the-Water-Safely Device, otherwise known as a submarine (Jingo). Because they play nicely together in that city, they would make a great team. But since Nobby and Colon usually try to avoid dangerous travel, we would expect their team to be eliminated early on, especially since Vetinari is too busy running Ankh-Morpork and Leonard is virtually a prisoner.

  Because Granny, Nanny, and Magrat are able to successfully turn back time in Wyrd Sisters, we would expect them to win this game easily. Plus, they’ve got those handy broomsticks to travel on.

  Fit for Fashion?

  Bravo’s Project Runway provides a would-be fashion designer a chance to hit the big time. Although we’re not 100 percent positive, we wonder if someone like Magrat Garlick, who is known for her interesting fashion sense, would be a good contestant. Although Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg routinely mock her outfits, Magrat still soldiers on.

  For their work in dressing Magrat in Witches Abroad, we also would nominate Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax as contestants. After all, they have magic at their disposal, although Granny probably wouldn’t use it. And Granny’s got that withering stare that’s just perfect for sessions with haughty judges. But since neither really cares deeply about fashion, well, we would expect a few stern lectures from the industry judges on fashion à la that of Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) to Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) in the 2006 film The Devil Wears Prada.

  We’d also nominate the fifth-level wizard Spelter in Sourcery, who rigs up a fake archchancellor hat with lace and Ankhstones for Coin. Quite fetching.

  A Star Is Born

  We would kill to see someone like Agnes Nitt, Nanny Ogg, Sybil Vimes, or any of the Nac Mac Feegles on American Idol. Agnes sings arias in Maskerade and has an amazing voice. But is she the pop star that everyone is looking for? Probably not, as Maskerade proves when Christine is chosen for the “visible” lead in the operas, instead of Agnes. Well, Agnes could still sing the songs while the other contestants lip-synched.

  Nanny Ogg, who is fond of songs like “The Hedgehog Song,” would be a favorite because of her cheerful personality. But she’d get voted off within minutes by Simon, Randy, and Paula. Ditto Sybil. She can sing “The Ransom Song” from the opera Bloodaxe and Ironhammer (The Fifth Elephant). But does that have a beat America wants to dance to? More than likely, no.

  The Feegles would provide many moments of entertainment early on, being fond of singing while inebriated. But we’re fairly certain that, at the last moment, Christine would make an appearance and place far higher than anyone else in Discworld, even if she’s not listed as a contestant.

  An Apt Apprentice

  Since the witches of Discworld have the apprentice thing down pat, getting on a show like The Apprentice is a natural segue. And since most of the witches are industrious, they might stick around for a while. However, in the category of “plays nicely with others” (okay, there is no category on the show like that; we would call this “being a team player”), many of the witches would not pass muster since they barely tolerate each other. Still, with magic at their disposal (if magic traveled through the vortex as well), no one would dare tell any of them, “You’re fired!”

  Instead of Donald Trump, Martha Stewart, or any other celebrity boss, who is better than Granny Weatherwax to take over the reins? In Wintersmith, Granny Weatherwax is the one consulted when the question of who will get Miss Treason’s cottage arises. And since Granny Weatherwax is the unofficial witch in charge, if she were a contestant on The Apprentice, she would run the show in no time flat, anyway.

  Equally Eligible

  Who but Carrot Ironfoundersson would interest an audience (well, a female audience) on a show like The Bachelor? Some of the female officers of the Watch (Angua and Sally) would agree. And maybe William de Worde or Moist von Lipwig (Going Postal) could generate some interest. But perhaps Sacharissa Cripslock and Adora Belle Dearheart would object. (Carrot would probably object to being on such a show as well.)

  We’re pretty sure who wouldn’t make the contestant cut. None of the wizards of Unseen University have the interest to be on this type of show, unless it was The Bachelorette and Mrs. Whitlow was the star. And as far as the other watchmen are concerned (Nobby, Detritus, etc.), well, there’s always next year … .

  As for bachelorette shows like The Bachelorette or I Love New York (insert your own nickname equivalent for the Ankh-Morpork bachelorette of your choice), we suspect guys would choose such characters as Sally, Angua, Conina, Adora Belle, Sacharissa, Sally, Tawneee (Nobby’s girlfriend in Thud!), and others for reasons known only to them.

  Smarter than the Average Kid?

  The Jeff Foxworthy-hosted Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? boasts questions taken from first to fifth grade textbooks and makes fools out of adults. Seeing as how the average fifth grader has to have a breadth of knowledge that many Ph.D. candidates might have had a hundred years ago, we can only suspect that a Renaissance man like Leonard of Quirm or Ponder Stibbons, the smartest of the Unseen University profs, would survive only a few questions before being embarrassed by the average kid.

  A friend of ours who recently received a doctorate claimed that she didn’t know some of the answers to the questions asked on one show. See what we mean?<
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  Denizens of DIY

  If you have a hankering for Home Depot, you probably are a DIYer and hit HGTV or TLC pretty heavily. These channels are rife with DIY shows where homeowners watch in horror or stupefied resignation as designers “improve” their homes. (Okay, not all DIY shows are like this.) See, these shows are perfect for Leonard of Quirm, Bloody Stupid Johnson, or Coin, the young sourcerer of Sourcery. Coin’s ability to create things is unparalleled. Remember how he shows the other wizards the Garden of Maligree, the last sourcerer? And remember his redecorating scheme for Unseen University? (Knock down walls. Change the ceilings and flooring. Give the building a new glass and marble look. Get rid of the library.) A decorating scheme that bold and controversial is “good TV,” especially if you are a fan of certain designers on Trading Spaces.

  That’s why Bloody Stupid Johnson, with his amazing flair for getting things wrong, would be the DIY king of any network, if he were actually “alive” in Discworld and not just a series of posthumous anecdotes.

  As for Leonard, well, no door would be closed to a man of his talents. Not only could he redecorate, he could provide his own artwork as well.

  THE END?

  Unlike this book, the Discworld series shows no sign of ending. After writing this book, we bought the second book involving Moist von Lipwig, Making Money, and are reading it, hence the lack of information about it in this book. There is a rumor of another Tiffany Aching book (not sure when that will be released). How many more Discworld books will the prolific Mr. Pratchett write? Will there be another Rincewind, City Watch, or Lancre witch book? We hope so! When you’ve got a jones for Discworld, there’s no such thing as too many books.