Ryan: O’Connor Brothers #2

by Kelly, A. S.

  “I’m happy to see you,” she says.

  “Yeah, yeah, alright,” I detach myself from her, pretending to be annoyed, but the truth is that Riley is the only woman whose presence I can tolerate – apart from my mother, obviously.

  “I’m going to get rid of this dress, then I’ll be back down.”

  She leaves us alone, heading upstairs, as Ian follows her with his gaze.

  “Is that really necessary?”

  “Mmm?”

  “You’re so…Christ, Ian, have you seen yourself? What’ve you done with my brother? Or, should I say, what has she done?”

  “Are you actually pissed off at me, or at yourself for sneaking around outside that house again?”

  “What? What the fuck do you think of me? I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I stumble over my words.

  “You have to stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Making it worse for yourself. It’s not helping anything. You have to just leave it now, Ryan, for you and…for everyone.”

  I shake my head and turn away, heading towards the living room where the table has been set for four people.

  I turn back towards him. “Fuck, no!”

  “What’s going on?” Riley comes down the stairs, tying up her hair. She’s wearing a tracksuit, with one of my brother’s sweatshirts. Despite it being way too big for her, it’s impossible not to see her pregnancy bump; I instinctively close my eyes, trying to escape the painful image.

  “Everything okay, Ryan?” she asks, kindly.

  I nod and sit down on the arm of the sofa, just as someone knocks at the door.

  “Did you really have to?” I turn to Ian.

  “He invited himself.”

  Riley opens the door: already his voice grates on me.

  “Here’s my favourite girl” he exclaims loudly, Ian snorting derisively next to me.

  “He’s your problem,” I tell him.

  “How’s uncle’s little girl?”

  Riley laughs and lets Nick hug her, while Ian starts to bristle next to me – I can see all the veins in his arm begin to pulse.

  “Oh, she’s great. She sleeps all day and dances all night.”

  “She’ll be a party queen.”

  “Please, don’t say that out loud. Ian’s already a nervous wreck and she’s not even been born yet – I don’t even want to imagine how he’ll be after.”

  My brother and Riley are having a baby girl. I can already predict about eighteen years-worth of total havoc.

  “Aww, look, little Ryan’s here too” Nick pisses me off right away. “How’s it going?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Wow, I’m suffocated by your affection.”

  “I could suffocate you with my hands instead and finish what I started.”

  “Boys, not in my house, okay?” Ian steps between us, playing the father. “Go and wash your hands, we’ll be eating soon.”

  Christ, now he sounds like our mother too.

  * * *

  After a few minutes, we sit at the table. I’m sitting across from that dickhead – I’ll have to keep my gaze fixed firmly on my plate so that I don’t have to look at his smug face all evening.

  I’ve been given a beer, though, which is a small consolation. Ian said that I’d already drunk too much for tonight and that I should stick to water, but Riley took pity and passed me a beer under the table. I guess, all things considered, she’s not so bad.

  “So, Nick, how was Cape Town?”

  “A dream, as always. You really should take Riley there, Ian.”

  Nick’s just got back from one of his photo shoots.

  “Oh, sure. I’ll take her everywhere, as soon as I can,” Ian says, and I can already feel the vomit making its way up my throat.

  “Do you really have to be like that?” The words escape from my mouth. I just can’t hold back sometimes.

  All three of them look at me quizzically.

  “In front of me…of us. Of everyone, for fuck’s sake! I used to prefer you, you know? When you were a cynical bastard.”

  “Ryan…” Nick tries to shut me up, but I glare at him.

  “You shouldn’t even be speaking to me!”

  “Please, calm down…” he tries to reason with me.

  “Mind your own fucking business.”

  “Ryan!” Ian bolts up from his chair.

  I do the same, my chair screeching across the floor. “What do you want, Ian? What do you all want from me? You all treat me like a little boy, like I’m stupid, like someone who…”

  “We treat you as you deserve to be treated,” Nick interjects, Ian immediately holding back my arm before I can wring his neck with it. “When you start to act like a man, then maybe…”

  “Don’t tell me that you, of all people, are about to give me a lesson about maturity? I won’t accept anything from you, Nick.”

  “So are all our dinners going to end up like this?” says Ian, visibly upset.

  “You should’ve thought of that before you invited him along.”

  “You’re in our house, Ryan. If you want to continue to be invited, then behave like an adult and have some respect.”

  “Oh, well, if that’s how it is then I’ll just get going. Then I can leave this nice family portrait that I don’t ever want to be a part of.” I walk away from the table and make my way quickly towards the front door, but I stop with my hand on the door handle.

  I turn to them. “Sorry, Riley,” I say, through gritted teeth, and then I make my leave.

  I go up to my car, the keys in my hand, but before I can open the door, someone stops me with a hand on my shoulder.

  I turn, furious.

  “What the fuck do you want from me?” I shout in Nick’s face. “Can’t you just leave me in peace?”

  “No, I can’t. You’re my brother.”

  “Oh, really…? It didn’t seem like I was your brother when you decided to…”

  “For God’s sake Ryan! I made a mistake, okay? I can’t turn back time, I can’t undo it. But I swear that I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that there’s not a day goes by where I don’t want to spit at my own reflection in the mirror.”

  “Your apology isn’t enough. I don’t want anything to do with it.”

  “So tell me what I can do. I want my brother back.”

  I laugh bitterly. “You’ve lost your brother.”

  “I want him back” he says again, determined.

  “What, Ian’s not enough for you?”

  “Ryan…” Nick sighs. “I want us to be a family again. Mum and Dad need us – they don’t need to see us fighting all the time. Ian needs us: he’s about to have a baby and I don’t want her to be born into a family full of hate and revenge.”

  I shake my head, exasperated. “Since when did any of this bother you? You’ve always thought only about yourself, screwed everything up for as long as I’ve known you. You’ve never cared about anything – what’s changed?”

  “I’ve grown up, Ryan. And you should too.”

  “You’re unbelievable.”

  “I imagine that’s not a compliment,” he says, with a half-smile.

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Let’s give it a try, what do you say? Just let me try.”

  “That doesn’t take back what you’ve done. I…I can’t forget.”

  Nick nods. “I understand and it’s okay, a part of you will always resent me.”

  “A part of me hates you and wants you dead.”

  “But just a small part, right?”

  I snort.

  “Well, let’s work on the part that doesn’t want me dead.”

  “That part is tiny.”

  He shrugs. “It’s enough for me.”

  I grip the car door.

  “I don’t understand why you care so much. You don’t need me, you’re fine without me or my support.”

  “Maybe that’s true. But, Ryan, you need me, and I just want to be there for
you. We’re the O’Connors, and we’re always here for you, even when you think you don’t want us around. And don’t ever forget that.”

  3

  Ryan

  We all make ourselves comfortable in the changing rooms after training, for the pre-match meeting. The coach was hard on me today: he didn’t cut me any slack and the other guys all seemed particularly aggressive. Maybe I’ll end up being the team mascot, or the one who gets kicked for fun, to release a bit of tension.

  I sit down towards the back, as usual, waiting for the others to stop pissing around and take their seats.

  I have an ice pack on one shoulder, which took a bigger beating than it should have during Scott’s last tackle, and I can feel the muscles in my leg screaming with pain from the force. But even though physically I feel like shit, I actually feel strangely good.

  Sport. That’s what I need.

  Jamie sits himself down next to me.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, noting the look of surprise on my face.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here for the meeting...?” he says, raising an eyebrow.

  “I mean, what are you doing here in the back row next to a loser like me? Why aren’t you up front with Ian like all the other star students?”

  Jamie’s the team captain, a good friend of Ian’s – not to mention that he’s also Riley’s brother. Basically, let’s just say that my brother has it very easy – unlike yours truly.

  Jamie laughs loudly. “Thought I’d sit here today, next to you.”

  Confused by what he’s said, I decide not to ask any more questions, and to concentrate instead on the coach, who’s just begun to speak.

  He shows us the tactic board, tells us about our opponents, makes his final recommendations, reminds us that we’re actually just hopeless bastards, and finally grabs his clipboard ready to announce the line-up.

  “And lastly…Ryan O’Connor,” he says, making my jaw nearly drop to the floor.

  “Well done, mate,” Jamie says into my ear, while the room explodes into a rumble of noise and whistles.

  “But, what…”

  “Looks like it’s your time.”

  I glance at him, narrowing my eyes.

  “What’s wrong? You knew this would happen sooner or later.”

  Actually, I thought the coach would never use me. I’ve been on the team for four months, always on the bench: I was accepted onto the squad for that very role, so I never expected more.

  When they offered me a place in the team, after I’d unceremoniously walked away from my previous squad, I thought the coach was just winding me up. He’d known me since I was little, so I thought the offer had come from some sort of paternal guilt.

  Let’s be honest: I’m twenty-eight, not young enough anymore to attract any attention to myself. I’m not strong like my brother, I don’t play in the scrum. I’m quick, precise, and alert, but I’m not the best player in the rotation, and I’ve accepted that. Maybe it was different a few years ago. I was still a boy, I was ambitious, determined, passionate… Now there’s barely anything left of that boy who dreamed of the blue jersey, who believed in his own drive.

  Maybe the coach doesn’t want to take any risks, and has decided to chuck me out on the field because I’m disposable, easily replaceable.

  “You’re up to it, right?”

  Jamie always worries about everybody. He’s not just a captain, but a friend, a companion and a guide.

  “Of course, what kind of question is that?”

  “Good!” he smiles, satisfied. “Both the O’Connor brothers out on the field together for the first time, side by side. It’ll be fun!”

  It’s true. Despite the fact that all three of us have played since we were kids, none of us have ever played in the same team – at least not at this level. We were close, once. Then someone decided to ruin everything.

  The coach comes towards me, along with my brother, the second the meeting ends.

  “Boy.” I stand up right away. “No pissing around. Don’t make me regret this.”

  “I won’t,” I respond, determined, when I’m actually shitting myself.

  “You’ve been under observation over the past month and we’ve decided to give you a go. Don’t let me down, or I swear you’ll be watching the next few matches from the changing room toilet.”

  I nod, immediately crushed by the pressure.

  The coach walks off, yelling at the others, as Ian stays standing in front of me with a stupid smile all over his face.

  “Your time has come,” he says solemnly.

  “Let’s not make a big deal out of it,” I say, playing it down.

  “He’s nervous,” Jamie winds me up.

  “Terrified,” Ian says, rubbing it in.

  “He’s about to shit his pants,” Jamie continues.

  “Will you both just leave it? It’s not a big deal.”

  Ian comes closer.

  “I know how long you’ve been waiting for this, so don’t bullshit me.”

  I shake my head, trying to hide my nerves, and head quickly for the changing rooms to take a shower and get out of here – but first, I stop off in the bathroom. I actually am about to shit myself.

  * * *

  I get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist. Ian appears in front of me, already dressed, with his phone pressed to his ear.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll go and pick up Riley, then we’ll get there earlier. See you tonight.”

  He puts his phone in his pocket, then turns his attention to me.

  “Ah yeah, that’s right. Mum’s expecting us for dinner this evening.”

  “Why?”

  “To celebrate! What a stupid question.”

  “You’ve already told her?” I ask, nervous.

  “Of course, what did you expect? It’s important, Ryan.”

  I shake my head. “Not really.”

  “For us it is, and we want to show you how much we support you.”

  “Don’t tell me…”

  “He’s part of the family. We’re not going to leave him out of it.”

  Shit.

  4

  Ryan

  I park the car in the crowded driveway – everyone has already arrived. I get out and go up to the door.

  “Hey!” A voice from the darkness almost gives me a heart attack.

  “What are you doing here, lurking in the bushes?”

  “I was waiting for you.”

  “Couldn’t you have waited for me inside with everyone else, like a normal person? Or did you do it on purpose, just to make me jump out of my skin?”

  “Do you always have to be so tense?”

  “Do you always have to just show up everywhere?”

  “I want to be here.”

  I snort and sit on the step. Nick does the same, sitting next to me. It must have been years since we’ve sat this close, just the two of us.

  “I heard the news,” he says, interrupting the silence.

  “News travels fast,” I comment flatly.

  “I’m…proud. Really proud of you.”

  A knot forms tightly in my throat.

  “You deserve it, honestly. I just wanted you to know that.”

  I nod gratefully, even though I can’t bring myself to accept this attempt at bonding.

  “I also wanted to ask you if you’d mind me coming to watch the game.”

  “Are you asking my permission? Don’t you always just do whatever the fuck you want?”

  “I’d like to be there, but I don’t want to make a scene. It’s an important moment for you and I want to be there, but only if it won’t upset you.”

  I get up. “You can do whatever you want, Nick. I can’t stop you from coming to the stadium.”

  He gets up too. “I know, but I want…I want your approval.”

  I shrug, trying to look like I don’t care, when really, his respectful, cautious attempts to bring us closer again have struck the right chords in me.

/>   Damn it.

  “Let’s go inside,” I say abruptly, opening the front door. He follows me in.

  “There you are!” Mum runs right up to me. “My baby…Oh my God, I’m so proud of you,” she says, hugging me hard. “I absolutely want to be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  I peel myself away from her and smile warmly.

  “I’ve just finished calling everyone – you’ll have the whole neighbourhood cheering you on!”

  “I’m playing too, you know,” Ian interjects.

  “Don’t be jealous,” Riley says, hugging him from behind. “This is Ryan’s moment, and we’re all here to support him.”

  “Does that mean you’ll be wearing his jersey?” Ian asks, turning towards her.

  “I don’t think anyone’s jersey’ll fit her anymore, not even an XXL,” I comment, challenging her to one of our usual squabbling matches.

  “Arsehole…” Ian pounces on me, but Riley blocks him with an arm.

  “Your jersey is the only one I’ll ever wear,” she tells him sweetly, and he calms down straight away.

  Poor sod.

  “As for you, Ryan…” he turns back to me, his attitude changed. “You can go and…”

  “Hey, hey, everyone just calm down.” Nick tries to play the peacekeeper.

  It’s not like Riley and I ever argue seriously, but by now it’s become our way of communicating, and I know she doesn’t mind it.

  “Come on, dinner’s ready,” Mum calls us from the dining room. “Can someone go and get Dad? He’s upstairs.”

  “I’ll go,” I offer, climbing the stairs.

  I knock on his door. “Dad? Dinner’s ready.”

  I step inside, scanning the room. Dad is looking out of the window. “Hey…” I go over to him. “We’re waiting for you downstairs.”

  He looks at me and smiles.

  “I’ll be right there.”

  “What are you looking at?” I ask, casting my eyes outside.

  He points to one of the houses across the road, and the rest of my good mood disappears.

  “Have they had a baby?” he asks, nodding towards the toys in the garden.