We've Always Got New York

by Jill Knapp

  “Something small,” she said. “At a restaurant in Cobble Hill. I’m sending out the invitations this week. It’s on January 29th.”

  “Right before school starts back up,” I said. “One last hurrah.”

  “I know,” she nodded. “I wanted to make sure I got to have one before school got in the way.”

  “I don’t blame you,” I grimaced. “Hey, did you hear from the professor? Are you definitely in the work-study program with me?”

  “I just heard from him this morning,” she said. “And it looks like you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together next semester.”

  “Thank God!” I threw myself backwards on the couch. “I don’t think I could last the entire semester with that man without at least one friendly face there.” I sat back up in the couch and looked at Olivia. “Everything is going so well for you, Olivia. You’re kind of my role model.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” she laughed.

  “Okay, fair enough.”

  “Alright, my dear,” she stood up, still glowing. “Go take a shower and confess your sins. Call me later and let me know what happens, okay?”

  “I will,” I muttered. “Tell Alex I said congrats.”

  “Thank you,” she said as she walked out the door.

  I sat on the couch for a few more minutes, collecting my thoughts. Here was Olivia. So mature, getting married for crying out loud, and here was I. A complete and total mess. My guilt ate at me more and more as each moment passed. I decided my shower would have to wait a little longer. I reached for my cell phone and called Hayden. He picked up on the first ring.

  “Hey, baby!” he said in a downright jocular tone. “How are you feeling? Still sick?”

  “I’m not feeling that great,” I stammered. “But it’s not because I’m sick.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked, worry in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

  I paused for a moment. I took a deep breath and commanded myself to be honest with him. He deserved the truth.

  “Hayden,” I began. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  “Okay,” he said in a near-whisper. “What is it?”

  I paused for a moment, pushing back the tears and feelings of shame. Hayden deserved to hear this. There was no turning back now.

  “I had sex with someone.”

  There was a long pause on the other end of the line, followed by the sound of Hayden inhaling sharply.

  “Who was it?” he asked, anger in his voice.

  I swallowed hard. I was suddenly petrified, I had never heard Hayden’s voice sound this way before. I thought about lying, telling him it was someone he didn’t know. Telling him it was a one-time thing, and that it didn’t matter to me. But then I realized, I had to stop lying. To everyone.

  “I am so sorry,” I began what would be a long string of apologies. “It was Michael.”

  Chapter 32

  Olivia

  “You’re engaged!” my dad practically shouted into the phone. “That’s so wonderful!”

  I had been pacing back and forth around my apartment, worried about how my parents would react to the news. My first call was to my dad. I figured he would be supportive; he was good like that. But I knew the next call would have to be to my mother. She wasn’t exactly what I would call a supportive figure in my life.

  After my parents divorced, I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live with. I chose my father because we had always gotten along so much better than my mom and me. I don’t think my mom ever really forgave me for that. I don’t think she really understood why I made that decision.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I said. “I’m scared to call Mom.”

  “Oh right,” he said, his voice suddenly dropping an octave. “That woman can be kind of frightening. Why do you think we got divorced so many years ago?”

  I laughed. “Good point. Well I am sending out invitations to my engagement dinner on January 29th. It’s going to be here in Brooklyn. Think you can make it in from Rhode Island?”

  “Honey,” he started. “Wild horses couldn’t keep me away. Besides, I think it’s about time I met the young man who’s going to become my son-in-law.”

  I floated around the apartment and pushed back the curtains in my bedroom to get a better look out the window. It was snowing again. I felt a flush of warmth as I immediately remembered the snow on New Year’s Eve.

  “Sorry I haven’t been home in a while, Dad,” I said, watching the snow fall. “I really miss you.”

  “I understand. School comes first. But I will see you soon!”

  I hung up with my dad and spun around my bedroom. He was undoubtedly calling everyone he knew, telling them I was engaged. This just made it all the more official. After I called my mother and endured her belittling, the whole world would know.

  I thought about not calling her. Maybe it would be better for everyone if she just heard from one of my aunts. Or read my engagement announcement in a local paper. I reached for my cell and shot Alex a quick text.

  About to call my mom, ugh. Wish me luck!

  A moment later my phone buzzed with a return message.

  Good luck, babe!

  I jumped up and down with nerves and then looked at my engagement ring to calm me down. I smiled when I thought about becoming Alex’s wife. I loved him so much, I wasn’t going to let her ruin this for me.

  I sat at my small bistro table, with a cup of tea and slowly dialed her number. As the phone rang, I said a silent prayer that it would go to voicemail.

  She picked up on the third ring.

  “Hello?” she asked, as if she didn’t have caller ID.

  “Hi, Mom, it’s Olivia. I have some important news to tell you.”

  I heard her smoking in the background. “Oh yeah? What is it?”

  I reached for my own cigarettes and lit one up. I really needed it while talking to my mother.

  “Well,” I said through a shaky voice. “I’m getting married.”

  Silence.

  “Mom?” I took a drag of my cigarette. “Are you there?”

  Chapter 33

  Amalia

  The restaurant Olivia chose to have her engagement party at could be described as urban-chic. There were walls of exposed reddish-brown brick, yet the table was set with expensive china. The doors were made of a heavy, thick wood, which gave the restaurant a warm and rustic feeling. But as I glanced at the wine list, I noticed a bottle of Cabernet I had recently brought at Trader Joe’s marked up for nearly triple the price. If this restaurant wasn’t the quintessence of up-and-coming Brooklyn, then nothing was.

  “Hi Mister Davis!” I said, as Olivia’s father approached me. I pulled him in for a hug. “Congratulations!”

  “Thank you, Amalia.” He said through a wide grin. “You look lovely this evening.”

  “Thank you,” I smiled, although I felt awful. After I called Hayden and told him the entire truth, he asked me the exact same question Olivia did. What did I want to do? Who did I want to be with? Him or Michael?

  I sauntered around the restaurant lost in my thoughts until I saw a familiar face that stopped me dead in my tracks. What was Cassandra doing here? She was standing by herself with what appeared to be a Martini in her hand. She looked utterly bored. I slowly made my way over to her.

  “Hey” I said, trying to hide the shock in my voice. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  She pursed her lips together. “Olivia invited me. It felt rude to not attend.”

  “Right,” I muttered. Obviously her only reason for showing face was out of some ridiculous idealized social etiquette, and not to congratulate her friend. “So how’ve you been?”

  “Great,” she gave me a phony smile and started looking around the room. “You?”

  I shook my head and narrowed my eyes a bit. “You know, Cassandra, not so great.”

  Shifting her weight between her high heels, she raised an eyebrow at me. She was wearing a little black dress, a bright-pink
statement necklace, small stud earrings, and her blonde hair hung pin- straight down to her shoulders. Cassandra didn’t address my comment. She merely kept the fake smile plastered on her face and sipped her gin Martini.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. The refinement tug-of-war was getting to be too much for me. “Seriously, Cassie. What the hell is going on with you?”

  She looked taken aback, obviously not expecting me to be so direct with her. “What are you talking about?”

  I caught Olivia out of the corner of my eye. She was dragging Alex around, showing him off to everyone like a prize she had won at a county fair. He didn’t seem to mind, though.

  “I’m talking about your general attitude towards me and pretty much everything around you lately,” I blurted out.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she remained composed and ran her hands over her already-smooth hair.

  “Oh really?” I asked, not so composed. “How was Christmas Eve this year? Did you and your family have a nice time?”

  “It was fine,” she said, avoiding eye contact.

  I shook my head. I probably looked a little crazy, but I honestly didn’t care. “Fine? That’s all I get? I came to your parent’s house every year for Christmas since we were kids and this year you don’t so much as extend me an invitation, and now all you have to say to me is that it was fine?”

  “You could have called me too,” she snapped.

  This comment sent me well over the edge.

  “I have been calling you, Cass,” venom secreting out of my voice. “I have been calling, texting, sending up fucking smoke signals, doing anything and everything that I can do get you to hang out with me. But every time I call you, you don’t pick up. If I try to leave you a voice message, your mailbox is always full. Every time I text you, you don’t answer. So excuse me if I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to just show up at your parents’ house on Christmas Eve with a fucking Candy-Gram like it was business as usual after not hearing from you for nearly two months.”

  Cassandra’s eyes began to dart around the room. She kept shaking her head and taking small sips of her drink to give her something to do with her hands.

  “I’ve called you,” she scoffed.

  “Oh really?” I laughed. “I guess my battery just must have been dead every time you tried to ring me over the past six months. Because last time I checked, I hadn’t received a phone call from you since before I left for Brazil.”

  I knew I was being loud, but I didn’t care. I caught Olivia’s eye, worried she would give me a dirty look, but instead she gave me a nod. That’s when I realized she invited Cassandra here deliberately, so we could have it out. I nodded back to her and shrugged. Thanks, Olivia.

  “This is a party, Amalia,” Cassie declared as if she was schooling me on my social graces. “It isn’t the place to have this conversation.” Cassandra put down her drink and reached for her coat. “If you want to talk about this another time when you’re more calm, give me a call.”

  I crossed in front of her. “Why? So you can dodge me some more? No, Cassandra, this is it. No more calling. No more texting. No more avoiding. You either talk to me about this right now, or not at all. I am not going to spend the next few months pathetically trying to drag details of your life out of you when you so obviously couldn’t care any less about mine. You either apologize for not inviting me over for Christmas, or for barely being my friend for the past few months right now, or I am not speaking to you anymore.” I took a step back from her and looked her up and down. “I am so tired of our conversations revolving around your damn schedule.”

  She shook her head and opened her mouth to say something, but apparently changed her mind. The next thing I knew she was storming out of the restaurant. The door slammed behind her, and everyone turned to look.

  “So what happened?” Olivia asked, rushing to my side.

  “This is your special day,” I said, anger rising in my chest. “Please, don’t even worry about it.”

  “Just tell me. Did the two of you work it out?”

  “What do you think?” I cocked my head to the side.

  “She’s a bitch.”

  I nodded.

  I was so done with worrying about whether or not Cassandra was going to show up places or be up for having a normal conversation with her. If she wanted us to be friends again, she’d have to put the effort in this time. As far as I was concerned, I was done.

  “I couldn’t help but notice that Hayden’s not with you today,” Olivia said in a sympathetic voice.

  “We’re taking some time,” I answered softly. It was hard. Hayden and I hadn’t even seen each other since before he left for his trip. After our phone call he said we should both take some time to think about what we want. Hearing the pain in Hayden’s voice had made me feel like a horrible person. But I deserved to feel badly. I had hurt him. “We’re going to talk more about us tomorrow. I need to come to some sort of decision soon.”

  “I’m here if you need me,” she touched my shoulder.

  Olivia went back to join Alex, her father, and a woman with short brown hair who I assumed was her mother. I found my place card and decided to sit down at the table. When I got there, sure enough, Michael was already planted in the seat next to mine.

  I sat down and tried to avoid eye contact. He had texted me once since our encounter, but I never wrote him back. I honestly had no idea what to say. I couldn’t even think straight when it came to him and Hayden.

  What was it with me and parties? Each one seemed to be worse than the last.

  “Hey,” he said, offering me a weak smile.

  “Hi,” was all I could muster up.

  I looked over at him. He was wearing a light-gray button-down shirt with a coordinating darker gray V-neck sweater pulled over it. I looked down at my own outfit. A short red cocktail dress, black cardigan, with black ballet flats. There was no use in me even trying to pull off heels with the amount of ice on the ground outside.

  “So,” he stirred his drink. “School starts back up on Monday.”

  I was still reeling from my conversation with Cassandra. I slowly turned my head to face him and give him the brunt of my anger. I know we hadn’t spoken, and that mainly it was my fault, but to talk to me about school as if what happened between us meant nothing? I couldn’t keep quiet.

  “That’s all you have to say to me? We hook up, I may have possibly ruined any shot I had with having a real relationship with Hayden, and you and I haven’t even spoken since and all you have to say to me is some comment about school?”

  Michael said nothing. He just looked down at his drink.

  “Of course,” I mumbled, crossing my legs and shifting away from him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I bet.”

  “Okay, you know what? I’m not sorry,” he leaned in towards me.

  “What?” I said, my eye wide with anxiety.

  “I’m not sorry we slept together,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to do that since you got back.”

  I shook my head. “You were dating Angela.”

  “Barely,” he scoffed. “The whole time I was thinking about you.”

  “Give me a break, Michael,” I said in a defeated tone.

  “What do you want from me?” he asked quietly.

  More guests were beginning to arrive, stacking presents for Olivia and Alex on a table in the middle of the room. Olivia’s life seemed so normal. I knew right then and there I wanted to have a life like that.

  “I think the more pertinent question here is what do you want from me?” I uttered.

  He pulled my chair closer to his. “Amalia, would you please just look at me?”

  “Fine,” I said, in a childish tone. “I’m looking at you. Are you happy now?”

  “Could you just drop the defensive attitude for two seconds?”

  “I asked you a question,” I said in a calmer voice to appease him. “What do you want from me?”
/>   “I want the same thing I wanted back in May,” he said in an unwavering tone. “I want what I talked to you about before you left for Brazil. I want to date you.”

  “Right,” I mumbled. “You want to date me, but you don’t want to be in a relationship with me.”

  “Not right away,” he said, softening for just a moment. “But how is that any different from you and Hayden? I’m sorry, maybe it’s none of my business but the two of you have been together since September and you’re still not an official couple.”

  He had me there. Touché, Michael.

  “That, right there, makes me think that you don’t want to rush into anything either,” he continued.

  I didn’t say anything. I just sat there for a moment, studying Michael’s face.

  “So the way I see it here, you have a choice to make,” he said declaratively, putting his hands in the steeple position like he was giving an inaugural address.

  I threw my hands in the air. “What are you talking about?”

  He leaned in closer and repeated himself. “You have a choice, Amalia. You can either choose to keep dating Hayden, which I am thinking you probably will. Or you can step out of your comfort zone, take a chance, and date me.”

  “Date you?” I said. “With no possibility of it turning into a real relationship.”

  “That’s not what I said,” he uttered. “I said I wanted to take it slow.”

  “I have to think about this,” I looked down at the table.

  “I would be surprised if you didn’t,” he said, plucking his napkin off his lap and lightly tossing it on the table. “But please, Amalia, I don’t want to wait around forever.” He stood up and smoothed out a wrinkle on his sweater. “I’m going to give you until the end of February to decide.”

  I just looked at him. Was he really saying this to me?

  Before I could answer, he gave me a subtle nod and walked away. Stunned, I reached for the pitcher of water on the table and poured myself a generous amount. I rubbed my head and for a moment, it felt like the room was spinning.

  I was almost positive I was having an anxiety attack.