Silver Clouds

by Fleur McDonald

  ‘Fine is the most overused word in all of the English language,’ Peggy retorted. ‘I’m fine usually means I’m not.’

  ‘Peggy,’ Paul said mildly. He turned to Tessa. ‘We know you’re okay,’ he said. ‘But we also know what Spider meant to you. We’re assuming whatever is in the envelope has something to do with her. If so, it may upset you.’ He left the words hanging.

  What Tessa knew he meant was, it might tip you over the edge again. Like with Kendra.

  ‘Maybe we’re wrong. If we are, we’re sorry, but we love you, Tessa. We want you to be fine.’ He used his fingers to make speech marks around the word ‘fine’.

  Tessa looked down. Her reaction had been over the top. ‘Sorry. But what is all this about? I know as much about Elsie as you can find out in a fifteen-minute conversation.’

  Peggy and Paul exchanged glances.

  Peggy shrugged ‘It’s got to be about Spider. Can’t be anything else. Elsie left instructions that you must speak to her before you open it.’

  ‘I can’t imagine why. Would it be Spider’s will? And if it is, why leave the letter to me? It should be with a solicitor.’

  ‘Spider didn’t have much, really – just what’s in her house – and she left her instructions with Paul. Maybe you should give Elsie a call tomorrow.’

  The rest of dinner was eaten in silence. After the plates were collected, Peggy passed on the envelope. Tessa’s name was scrawled on the front in a hand she didn’t recognise. Elsie’s details were clearly written on the back.

  Tessa weighed it in her hand, turning it over and over. ‘I guess I can’t open it until I speak to Elsie. Do you know anything about her?’

  Paul shook his head. ‘We only recognise her name. Spider wrote heaps of letters – it was the only way she communicated, as you know.’

  A shot of guilt went through Tessa and she couldn’t hide it any longer. ‘I never answered her last letter,’ she blurted. ‘I had it for at least two months and I never answered it.’

  There was a pause. ‘There’s not always time to do everything we want to do,’ Peggy said finally.

  ‘I could have made time! I just didn’t want to. I thought she’d see through what I wrote – she always could.’

  ‘Oh, Tessa, what would she see through? You’ve done so well over there. There was nothing for her to disapprove of. She wasn’t supernatural. You’ve got to get over thinking she knew everything. She was just human, and you weren’t doing anything wrong for her to see!’ Peggy leaned forward and put her hand on her daughter’s arm.

  ‘But I was. I was,’ Tessa moaned, tears in her eyes. ‘I don’t have to go back. I wasn’t doing the job up to their standard.’ Yes, better to tell them that than the truth. There were just things parents didn’t need to know. ‘So I resigned.’

  ‘Oh, love! Why didn’t you tell us?’

  Tessa wiped the tears away. ‘I don’t know. Everything was just too hard with Aunty Spider dying and coming back here. You know how difficult it has been for me to come home since Kendra’s accident, but Aunty Spider left me no choice when she died. She probably knew that too.’

  She got out of her chair and paced the room. ‘If I hadn’t come home, then I probably wouldn’t have resigned, but maybe I would have. I’m so confused.’ Once she’d finished, she sank back into her chair, relieved some of her secrets were finally out in the open. The others would always stay hidden.

  ‘Well, sometimes home is the best place to sort those feelings out,’ Paul said. ‘And you know you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.’

  Tessa gave a watery smile. ‘I’ve really stuffed everything up.’

  Peggy looked at her daughter thoughtfully. ‘I read something somewhere – can’t remember exactly how it goes: “Never regret anything you’ve done, because at one stage that was exactly what you wanted.” It’s true. So don’t regret or feel guilty about anything you’ve done so far. It’s about turning your life around from this moment onwards. And we’ll help if you need us.’ Peggy reached across and picked up Paul’s plate and held out her hand for Tessa’s. ‘Come on, help me with these dishes then go and get a good night’s sleep. Everything always seems better when the sun’s up.’

  I doubt things will look better for me, thought Tessa. Her mother was just like all station people: no-nonsense, practical and couldn’t see the point in dwelling on things that can’t be fixed. Still, maybe home was a good place to be at the moment, even if it did mean doing the dishes.

  Later that night as Tessa heard her father leave the house to turn off the generator, she went to the window and stared into the darkness. The eerie sound of the dingo’s howl was still in her head and she wondered whether, if she swung her torch around outside again, she would see those evil eyes.

  Chapter 11

  Tessa picked up the phone and dialled Elsie’s number. Her curiosity was piqued and she had wanted to call last night, but thought it may have been too late. Older people went to bed early, didn’t they?

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Um, hello . . .’

  ‘Ah, Tessa. You’ve finally called. I was beginning to wonder if you would.’

  ‘How did you know it was me?’

  A chuckle sounded down the phone line. ‘Not too many young women ring me these days, dear,’ Elsie answered. ‘You got the letter, then. Have you opened it?’

  ‘No. I’m dying to, though. I’m not sure why she’s left it with you instead of just posting it to me.’

  ‘No, well, at the time I wasn’t, either. But then, you didn’t answer her last few letters and she was worried. Violet trusted me, completely and utterly. She knew I’d make you see reason.’

  See reason? Tessa decided to ignore that for a moment or two, since it didn’t make any sense.

  ‘How did you meet Spider?’

  ‘We were kids together. The country was just opening up out there. It was the thirties and Dad had decided to try and find work in the west. We were taking the train across the Nullarbor and we stopped at a siding – I can’t remember where it was. Might have been Jalinda or somewhere similar. We all got off to stretch our legs. You can imagine how difficult it was for kids to be cooped up in a small carriage. My brothers just about went mad. Poor old Mum, she’d exhausted her repertoire of games and stories by the end of the first day!

  ‘Dad got talking to Len Mathison. Now he would have been your great-uncle . . . Violet’s oldest brother—’

  ‘I haven’t heard of him,’ Tessa interrupted.

  ‘He was sort of the black sheep of the family. Bit of a con man – oh, that makes him sound like he did things illegally. He didn’t – he was a lovable rogue, could talk the birds out of the trees. Charming. Pushed the boundaries. And somehow he managed to convince a family man with three children and a wife to get off that train and go help him open up a stretch of land that was south of what’s now the Eyre Highway.’

  ‘Danjar Plains,’ Tessa murmured.

  ‘That’s right. Even though Violet was much older than I, being the only two girls out there we seemed to just move together. Between Violet and my mother we always had lessons, reading and writing, but there were days when Violet didn’t want to teach so she helped us sneak away instead. Such a wicked sense of humour! We rode horses, learned to cook over fires and muster sheep.’

  ‘How do I not know about Len?’ Tessa wondered aloud.

  ‘Well, it was many years ago. Families seem to know of their immediate relatives but not so much about the brothers and sisters of their grandparents or great-grandparents. Not unless they’re particularly interested in researching their family history.’ Elsie paused. ‘Len was a hard worker when he was here. As were her other brothers. Violet’s Uncle Sam and Aunty Margaret brought them out here, you know? They ended up loving it and stayed.’

  ‘Did she have many? Brothers, I mean. And where were her parents?’

  ‘Well, on the brother front, there was Len, Edward and George. She had an older sister, Grace. The
n there was gorgeous Tom. They were already out here by the time I met Violet, so I don’t know anything about her parents except what she told me, which was that her mother was pregnant again and not well enough to look after all the children. Things were tight in the city so she sent them to live on a farm with Margaret and Sam. Sam saw potential here and the rest is history. Anyway, Tessa, that’s all by-the-by now. I’m sure you’ll find out more about the family over the next little while.’

  Elsie then took a breath. ‘In that letter are some instructions. It’s not a will – she always said what was in that house went to whoever wanted it. So ask your family if they would like any of the furniture or books – I think there might be some early works by Henry Lawson and Banjo Paterson in the bookshelves somewhere. They might be worth quite a tidy amount, by gawd.’

  ‘How on earth would have she gotten those?’

  ‘Just because we lived in the wild west didn’t mean we didn’t have access to nice things. There were the Afghan cameleers, the Tea and Sugar Train – and we didn’t know they were going to be first editions back then, did we? You’ve got to remember, we’re quite old!’

  Tessa was unable to control the laugh that slipped from her.

  ‘Now listen, child. I can’t sugar-coat this. What Violet has asked you to do won’t suit you. But it has to be you. There is no one else. Open the envelope while I’m on the phone.’

  ‘‘I’m not sure I can face it,’ said Tessa.

  ‘Just open it,’ Elsie said gently.

  Tessa tore at the envelope and her stomach did a little tumble turn as she saw her great-aunt’s familiar handwriting.

  ‘“My Dear Tessa,”’ she read out loud. ‘“I do hope you come back from England for my funeral. Your continuing silence is worrying me and I wonder if it’s time for you to start on something fresh. And I have just the thing for you. My house will need cleaning out and guess what, my darling? You’re it.”’

  Tessa was silent as she re-read the sentence over and over. Clean out her house? As the words sunk in, she began to shake her head.

  ‘No!’ The word erupted from her. ‘No way. She can’t keep me here. No, that should be Dad’s job or Mum’s. Not mine!’ Tears formed. Her hands began to shake. A movie of images spun in front of her eyes; Spider’s house, her bedroom, the kitchen. The Story Telling Chair.

  ‘Read on,’ Elsie urged.

  Tessa wiped her eyes, still shaking. How could Spider ask her to do that?

  ‘Um . . . “Cleaning out. Please take what you wish and ask the others what they would like. But the things I want you to take care of are the letters and history of our family. I’m entrusting this to you. Yes! Our family has a few skeletons and secrets.

  ‘“You can squawk all you like, my dear, and curse just as much. Don’t worry; I know you’re doing it! But I have a reason for doing this. As I said, your silence is bothering me. When you don’t write to me, I know something isn’t right. You need to come home, which, if you remember, I suggested you do before you left for England. You need to face your fears, get back to your roots, and heal properly – something you’ve never done.

  ‘“And you don’t know it yet, but your whole family needs you. Ryan isn’t happy – maybe that’s something you can help him with. Peggy is tired – she needs another pair of hands. And Marni needs a friend.

  ‘“I know you aren’t the answer to all these problems and I don’t want you to try and fix everyone’s issues, because you need fixing, too, but you being on Danjar Plains, even just for a short while, will make a difference. To everyone.

  ‘“I love you, my darling girl. You were the daughter I never had – corny I know, but it’s the only way I know how to express my love enough. Now make me proud and do as I ask. Love, Spider.”’

  Tessa’s tears fell onto Spider’s last letter.

  Tessa was staring intently at the computer screen when Ryan’s LandCruiser pulled up at the homestead in a cloud of dust. She quickly shoved the letter, which she’d been carrying with her constantly, into her pocket and exited Facebook.

  Her mind was all over the place. One moment she was thinking about Spider and her request. The next, she was trying to track where those bloody photos had come from, but she always ended up in the same place – a Troll account, just as Jaz had said, and which had since been deleted.

  Leaning back in her chair she contemplated the options. It didn’t take long. Really, the only one was to forget about it. So what if the photos had appeared on the ‘Drunk at a Nightclub’ photos page. And did it really matter if friends had left comments about them on her Facebook wall? After all, she didn’t have to face any of these people. She wasn’t in London. She was here, on Danjar Plains, with the world’s worst job hanging over her head.

  Spider’s letter had left her in shock. She had never once thought about cleaning out a dead relative’s house. How would she feel when she pulled out Spider’s favourite pair of pants and shirt? And then there was this hinting at family skeletons. Well, obviously there was nothing too much there! Tessa thought the Mathisons might well be the most boring family in the history of the universe.

  ‘Want to come for a drive?’ Ryan was at the office door. He looked worn out.

  ‘Didn’t you sleep? You look terrible.’

  ‘I went for a drive last night. Didn’t get home until after midnight. Bit too hot last night to get any decent rest after that. The bloody mozzies gave us hell, too. Noisy, annoying little buggers.’

  Tessa’s face lit up with a smile. ‘I hate it when they just buzz round and around your head and wake you up. I’d forgotten that!’

  ‘I wish I could. There was more than one in the room last night and fly spray doesn’t seem to kill them anymore. I reckon Marni’s sprayed them so much they’ve become resistant!’

  ‘Why were you out driving last night?’ Tessa asked, curious.

  ‘Someone’s dropping fences and pinching stock. I was out driving the boundary to see if I could find anything. Spider and I used to do it together some nights. Anyway, I’m heading out to Deep Bore. Thought we could swing past Aunty Spider’s place if you want to. You haven’t been there since you arrived home.’

  ‘I’ll come for a drive, but I don’t know that I want to go into her house. It would feel like trespassing or something.’ Tessa held out her hands like she was warding off something.

  ‘Yeah, I know, but there’s no one there. We should at least check on it.’

  As they drove out to the bore, Tessa saw many places full of memories. The spot where they used to have family picnics in the rocky outcrop; and the place where she had fallen off the ute and broken her wrist during the last muster she’d ever been involved in.

  ‘You know my wrist still aches, from when I broke it on that muster,’ Tessa said, gently rubbing her arm.

  ‘That was all your fault,’ Ryan said with a grin. ‘If you hadn’t been yelling into the wind, I wouldn’t have stuck my head out the window to hear you and not seen the trough.’

  ‘I still can’t believe you hit it!’ Tessa laughed. ‘Remember how cross Dad was?’

  ‘I remember how sore my bloody pride was.’

  ‘So was my wrist.’

  ‘And we didn’t get the sheep in for shearing, so we were both in the shit! Fun times.’

  Tessa thought for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ she answered, nodding. ‘Yeah they were.’

  ‘And the pool comp we used to have!’

  Tessa grinned. ‘Yes! That was the one thing I could beat you at.’

  ‘Bit of a shame Mum and Dad sold the table. I could’ve tried to redeem myself.’

  ‘In your dreams!’

  They wound their way through the bush and it wasn’t long before Tessa thought of another childhood memory.

  ‘Do you remember the way we used to race? You on the motorbike and me in the ute? Up the airstrip? It was so much fun!’

  ‘I always won,’ Ryan said matter-of-factly.

  ‘Could have had something to do with t
he fact that you could take off from a standing start and get to sixty clicks in no time at all. I had to change up through all the gears!’ She whacked Ryan’s arm and giggled.

  ‘It’s nice to hear you laugh, little sis,’ he said.

  ‘I like laughing.’

  ‘Good to know. So, you gonna spill on the whole story about why you resigned?’

  The question took Tessa by surprise, although it probably shouldn’t have. ‘Only if you tell me why you’re really so tired and looking not particularly happy with life,’ she shot back as quickly as she could.

  Ryan glanced across at her.

  ‘Watch where you’re going.’ Tessa pointed as the LandCruiser hit a pothole and bounced a couple of times. ‘Don’t think Dad would forgive us if we stuffed something at our age!’

  Ryan didn’t answer, but a wry smile played on his lips.

  They drove in silence until they reached the bore. Ryan stopped the ute and they both jumped out. A windmill towered above, the blades creaking as it turned. Water gushed into the cement tank, the sound resonating across the flat ground. There wasn’t any stock Tessa could see, but a magpie was sitting on the edge of the tank and further out in the sun two galahs were pulling up grass for the roots. White limestone rocks littered the ground. The stock tracks wound in between the clumps of bushes and low trees, all the way to the water.

  ‘Gotta check the oil in the head,’ Ryan said. ‘Can’t wait until we replace all these bloody mills with solar pumps.’ He began to climb the tower. ‘Can you look in the tank? Needs to be at least three-quarters full. Better if it’s only about a foot from the top.’

  Tessa gingerly picked her way through the ankle-high bushes. Her Converse sneakers were now much worse for wear – she’d have to get some proper boots if she was going to stay. Not that she’d made up her mind.

  She watched as Ryan shimmied up the ladder of the mill.

  Flashback: Kendra climbing up the house windmill.

  She squeezed her eyes shut.

  Flashback: Jaz at the top of the ladder.

  Tessa rubbed her eyes, trying to rub away the images.