Silver Clouds

by Fleur McDonald

  Let’s start with the easy bits, her aunt would have said. You’re attracted to Harrison.

  Tessa would have nodded. But then I was attracted to Brendan, too. Made another stuff-up there. And even if I am attracted to Harrison, what’s the point of it? I’m not sure I’m ready for happy-ever-afters yet.

  Could you see yourself with him in a year’s time?

  She turned over and hit her pillow. Maybe. She remembered his arms around her, the gentleness he had, the way he loved Cally. The way he’d acted at the Muster.

  She sat up. ‘Damn,’ she whispered. ‘I want some of that. I want to feel loved and wanted. Safe. He’d do all of that. Damn.’

  Spider’s voice was ringing in her ears, almost as if she was sitting right beside her. Well then, dear, this takes out most of the variables, doesn’t it? If you want Harrison, you’ll have to stay out here, ’cos you won’t shift him from the Nullarbor.

  Tessa could almost hear Spider cackle the way she always did when something turned out the way she knew it would.

  Who’s to say he wants me? But she was sure there had been signs that he might.

  Tessa knew she was at a crossroads in her life and that was why she had to go. It was what she was good at – leaving, avoiding anything that might put her in touch with her feelings or drag up memories from long ago. She built walls and ran. That’s how she dealt with things and this was to be no different.

  A voice called through the door. ‘Wake up, Tessa, we’re off for a drive,’ called Harrison, knocking so loud she jumped.

  ‘Just a minute.’ She took a breath. Did she? Didn’t she? Would she? Could she? She thought frantically then opened the bedroom door.

  ‘Mornin’.’ He smiled and rested his hand on the door frame above her head. ‘I’d like to show you some of the paddocks I thought we could dedicate to this lamb project.’

  He looked fresh and relaxed and the crinkle lines around his eyes and his rumpled hair made Tessa want to fall into his arms. But no, she couldn’t. She couldn’t take the risk. ‘Actually, Harrison, I’m not feeling very well. Would you be able to take me home when you’ve finished whatever you have to do today?’

  Harrison frowned. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing much, but I need to go home.’ She avoided his stare.

  ‘Right.’ He frowned and his face settled into an unreadable deadpan expression. ‘No problems. Give me half an hour to get the plane ready and we’ll go.’ He turned and left.

  Tessa sagged against the door and shut her eyes. It was done.

  They were both silent as they set out for Danjar Plains. Uncomfortably silent, Tessa thought sadly, as she snuck a glance at Harrison, when he wasn’t looking. Then, about fifteen minutes into the flight, Tessa saw Harrison do a double-take as he looked out of the windscreen.

  ‘Shit,’ she heard him mutter.

  Her stomach lurched. ‘What?’ She tried to keep the panic from her voice.

  ‘The screws from the engine cowling flap have come loose.’ He pointed to the front bonnet of the plane. ‘Don’t panic, it happens sometimes when you’re using rough bush strips. They bump out. I’ll have to land and screw them back in.’

  He turned to her. ‘Seatbelt on?’ he asked, his face solemn.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Okay, we’re going to land. There’s no need to worry. It’ll take me five minutes to get them back where they should be and you’ll be home before you know it.’

  ‘Right.’ Tessa really meant Shit! Her hands began to tremble.

  But the landing was smooth. When they’d come to a standstill, Harrison leapt out of the plane and opened the back door. Tessa watched as he pulled a small toolbox out and went to the front of the plane.

  ‘You can get out if you want,’ he called, before burying his head under the cowl flap.

  Tessa climbed out. ‘I might just stretch my legs.’

  Harrison looked up. ‘Just don’t get lost. I don’t need to be looking for you as well as fixing a bloody plane.’

  Tessa tossed her head, indignant. ‘Unlikely.’

  She set off, but she was shaking. In all of the times she’d flown overseas, she had never once been in an air emergency. She wasn’t even sure if this was really classed as one but, in her fragile state, it felt like it. Still, a walk would calm her nerves.

  She spotted a glow of pink off to the side of the strip. Everlasting wildflowers. Tessa admired them for a moment, breathing deeply to stop her jitters. Then she walked a little further to see if she could find more.

  She noticed a two-wheel track heading into the scrub. It looked like there were fresh wheel tracks going in. Remembering the glint she had seen the previous day and Ryan’s stories of stolen stock, she followed it.

  Not far in, she found a square metal frame covered in shade cloth. Outside there was a table, chair and a billy.

  Someone’s camp. ‘Hello?’ she called. ‘Anyone around?’

  Silence. Then she heard Harrison shouting in the distance.

  ‘Tessa! Tessa, where are you?’

  ‘Coming,’ she yelled and followed the track back out onto the strip.

  ‘We’re right to go,’ Harrison said.

  ‘Someone has got a camp in the bush there.’ She pointed. ‘Are people allowed to camp on your land without you knowing?’

  ‘We prefer if they ask,’ he answered shortly. ‘Just so long as they leave everything the way they found it, gates included. This isn’t my land, though. It’s Ray McKenzie’s.’

  Tessa squirmed at the mention of the name. ‘This one looks a bit more permanent,’ she said.

  ‘Better have a look.’

  Tessa led the way.

  Harrison froze when he saw the camp. ‘Holy hell.’ He started to have a look around. ‘This looks like some of Joe’s stuff,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know he had a camp out here.’

  He lifted up the flap of shadecloth and let go a low whistle. ‘Have a look at this.’ He held the flap up higher. Tessa stuck her head inside. Steel shelves held trays of small seedlings. It took a moment for Tessa to register what they were.

  ‘Oh Lordy, that’s marijuana,’ she said, shocked. ‘This can’t be Joe’s camp.’ As she looked closer, she realised there were larger plants further in and a thin reticulation hose ran from tray to tray. A timer sat on a folding table. To her scant knowledge, it looked like a sophisticated set-up.

  ‘Bet it is. I always knew he smoked a bit because of his aches and pains. Never worried me because he did it out of work hours.’ He stepped into the hide. Tessa followed.

  ‘Pretty complex set-up by the look,’ Harrison said, glancing around.

  ‘What makes you think it’s Joe’s? Maybe it’s Ray’s. Or Brendan’s.’

  Harrison picked up a bag that had been lying on the floor and peered inside. He pulled out an envelope. ‘“Mr Joe Jenkins,”’ he read. ‘It’s his place all right.’ He looked at the address in the corner. ‘Looks like a hospital bill.’

  ‘Was he sick?’

  ‘Not that I know of.’

  ‘What do we do?’

  Harrison was too busy looking through the rest of the gear to answer.

  Well, she’d certainly got more than she’d bargained for on this trip, Tessa thought as she went back outside and looked around.

  Harrison came out. ‘I think we should just get rid of it. No one is going to believe Joe was growing anything. The cops won’t know, so we could just pull out the plants and dump all this gear. No one would be any the wiser.’

  ‘Good idea.’ Tessa was pleased to have something to do, because even though they were both trying to act normally, their easy friendship had dissolved with Tessa’s request to go home.

  ‘I’ll come back in the ute and collect it all.’

  ‘Right.’

  They threw themselves into pulling out the plants, Harrison seeming to use more force than was necessary as he upended the steel trays and dragged them outside. Then they dismantled the steel frame.

&
nbsp; All the while, Tessa was aware of Harrison and she was sure he was aware of her, even with the heavy handedness. She caught him looking at her when she glanced over towards him. What was going on inside that gorgeous head of his, she wondered. Whatever it was, she couldn’t let him close to her. She couldn’t risk changing her mind.

  They stopped for a breather, and Tessa opened some of Joe’s mail. It was all bills. Large ones. For a hospice in Perth.

  ‘Far out! Looks like Joe was paying for someone’s care – look here.’ She handed Harrison the bills. As she did so her fingers accidently brushed his and she pulled back in a hurry. Harrison didn’t seem to notice – he took the envelopes and read through them.

  ‘If that’s the case, someone is going to miss him,’ said Harrison, frowning. ‘I guess we’d better find out who it is. I always thought he didn’t have any family. When he died, I put a notice in the paper, but haven’t yet heard from anyone. Still, I guess it’s early days.’

  ‘It’s so sad,’ Tessa said quietly. ‘Fancy dying with no family. With no one loving you.’ She looked at Harrison, her eyes misty. ‘I couldn’t think of anything worse.’

  Harrison stared at her, the inner turmoil showing on his face, and Tessa took a step forward. Then retreated.

  ‘You would never have to,’ Harrison said. ‘Tessa, I . . .’ He stopped. ‘I really want you to stay,’ he finally managed. He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I enjoy your company and want to get to know you better. Do you think you could consider being with a bloke who’s an old git?’ He looked at her solemnly, then touched her cheek very gently.

  Neither of them moved.

  ‘What?’ she whispered finally. ‘I’ve been telling myself you wouldn’t be interested. Where the hell has that come from?’

  ‘Tessa, can’t you see? You make me laugh, you intrigue me. I like spending time with you. Yeah, you were a materialistic, self-absorbed little cow when you first came back, but you’ve changed. The real you has come out since you’ve been home. When you were so good to Cally I realised how lonely I was. How much I looked forward to seeing you.’

  Tessa clamped her hand over her mouth, tears brimming. ‘No,’ she said, holding up the other hand to ward him away. ‘No, Harrison. It won’t work. I’m no good for you.’

  ‘But why? Tell me why you think that? There’s got to be a reason. And shouldn’t I be able to decide that?’

  Tessa thought of how safe she had felt with him. The feelings she had for him refused to go away, and she craved his arms around her. But there was no way she was going to start something unless there was a chance it might last. He needed to know about the photos.

  She opened her mouth. There in a small camp, in the middle of nowhere, among the blue and grey bush of the Nullarbor, she told Harrison why she went overseas and what had happened while she was there.

  ‘I’ve never found out who posted the photos,’ she said finally, staring at the ground. ‘But I was given the choice to resign or be sacked. I resigned. See? You don’t want to be with me.’ She smiled through her tears. ‘And you’re too old for me.’

  Harrison leaned forward and touched his lips to hers. ‘Yes, I do.’

  Kiss.

  ‘And no, I’m not.’

  Kiss.

  ‘Come on, let’s go home. We’ve got some talking to do.’

  The flight seemed to take no time at all, but all the while Tessa was chewing the inside of her cheek. Harrison couldn’t have meant what he said. After all, he hadn’t touched her since that second kiss. Nor tried to hold her hand. She tried not to get her hopes up.

  Somehow they ended up back at his place with a cup of tea, sitting around the kitchen table. That was when he finally reached out and took her hand.

  Tessa closed her eyes.

  ‘I’ve been trying to work out,’ Harrison said softly, ‘if you will stay. You made it pretty clear last night, you wouldn’t. Can I change your mind, ’cos I don’t want to start something if you’re gonna leave?’

  ‘I’d like to. But how can it work? What if Cally hates me? Or she doesn’t want me? She’s craving for someone to talk to her about her mum. That was what bonded us to begin with. If she comes home and the situation has changed, her feelings might, too.’

  ‘Do you always look for every negative?’ Harrison chided. ‘Do you reckon you could just give it a go?’

  ‘I’m terrified,’ Tessa confessed.

  ‘I am too.’

  ‘Is love enough? Do I love you? I know I like you, and there are times you just pop into my head when I least expect it.’

  ‘Tessa, think back over what we’ve been talking about for one moment. I’m trying to keep you here. I’m giving you a job to do. You don’t have to come and live here. Stay at Danjar Plains, see how it pans out. We don’t have to get married tomorrow. There are ways to get to know each other, even if we are a couple of hundred k’s apart.’

  Tessa hadn’t thought about that. She’d been worried Harrison would want her to move in, to act as Cally’s mum. Things she definitely wasn’t ready for.

  Far out. There was nothing to lose and everything to gain. She’d told him the whole story and he still wanted her. Yes! she thought, starting to smile. Yes, yes, yes!

  ‘Harrison.’ She reached up to touch his face. ‘Yes. Yes to everything.’

  ‘But?’ he asked with raised eyebrows and a half-smile.

  ‘But,’ she said, trying not to squirm, ‘I can’t start this relationship with secrets. For it to work, you need to see those photos.’

  Harrison’s smile faded and he sat there for a moment. ‘I don’t see the need.’

  ‘No, but I don’t want anything to come back and haunt me.’

  He took a deep breath. ‘Okay, if that’s what you want, that’s what you get. Let’s have a look.’

  Chapter 31

  While Harrison looked through the photos Tessa paced the kitchen floor, her arms folded tightly over her chest. She couldn’t bear to see them or his face while he looked at what she’d done, what she’d been. If he doesn’t want you afterwards, you can’t be upset, she kept telling herself.

  When she heard his footsteps on the floorboards in the passageway, she froze. She badly wanted to be sick. Somehow, though, she summoned the courage to stand tall and face him, even if her face was lined with unease and fear.

  He gave her a lopsided smile as he came in then held open his arms.

  Tessa closed her eyes and swallowed, took the final two steps towards him and let herself be swept up in his comfort.

  ‘You were a bit of a party girl, weren’t you?’ he said against her hair.

  ‘Something I’m not particularly proud of.’

  ‘Come on, I’ll make you a cup of tea.’

  ‘Another one?’ Tessa giggled as relief bubbled up. ‘You’re as bad as Spider!’

  Harrison laughed as he gathered up the used mugs and took them to the sink to rinse. Then he busied himself in the kitchen.

  He returned with the refilled mugs and placed them on the table in front of her. ‘So you don’t know who posted them?’

  Tessa shook her head as she blew on the steaming liquid.

  He sat down beside her. ‘Do you think someone has a vendetta against you? Were they trying to discredit you?’

  ‘Who knows?’ Tessa shrugged. ‘It probably doesn’t matter now. But if they were trying to make me look bad, then they did a bloody good job of it. I reckon the moment they pressed “publish”, everyone in the office knew.’ She took a sip and licked her lips. ‘Do you understand why you had to see them, Harrison? Once that sort of thing is on the internet, it stays there forever. If you’d seen them in six months’ time, you wouldn’t be happy. Or what if Cally saw them?’

  ‘Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from. Anyway, let’s forget about that. Finish your tea then we’ve got work to do!’

  Tessa turned to him and he put both arms around her and kissed her. She closed her eyes and thought of nothing but this strong m
an, his arms encircling her, and how good he made her feel. She smiled against his lips.

  ‘What?’ He pulled away and looked down at her. ‘Am I doing something wrong?’

  ‘Nope, I’m just very happy.’

  He hugged her tight. ‘So am I.’

  They flew back to Danjar Plains that afternoon. From the air, Tessa spotted the small scar on the landscape where Joe’s camp had been. If she hadn’t known it was there, she doubted she would have picked it out. She leaned over to Harrison. ‘We need to find out who is in that hospice,’ she called above the noise of the engine. ‘I’d hate to think some poor person had been kicked out because the bill hadn’t been paid.’

  ‘Yeah, we do. Did you bring the bills with you?’

  ‘Yes. I can make some phone calls when we land, if you think it’s okay to.’

  ‘At the very least, we need to let the accounts department know what’s happened. They can make the decisions from there.’

  The plane began to descend.

  ‘Look, there’s Mum waiting for us.’ Tessa pointed to the tiny ute below.

  Harrison ran his fingers over her cheek. ‘It’ll be fine. Don’t panic!’

  ‘I’m not!’

  ‘As Cally would say: “Yeah right.”’

  Tessa laughed and kissed him.

  They landed and taxied to the end of the runway. Harrison leaned over and opened her door. ‘Out you get!’ He gave her a quick tap on the bum as she scrambled out.

  ‘Hi, Mum.’ Tessa waved.

  ‘Hello, you two. Harrison, I’ve made the bed up in the quarters. I assumed it would be too late for you to fly back tonight.’

  ‘Thanks, Peggy, I’ll take you up on the offer.’

  Harrison passed Tessa’s bag and folder to her. She could barely contain her smile as she glanced sideways at him, wanting to say something. He avoided her gaze.

  ‘Actually, Mum. Harrison will probably come and stay with me at Aunty Violet’s,’ she said, a spark in her eye challenging her mother to say something.

  Peggy paused for a moment then continued walking towards the ute. ‘Sure, petal.’

  Tessa took Harrison’s hand. This time Harrison did look at her. A broad smile lit up his face.