Be in the Real

by Denise Mathew

  Kaila nodded. If there was anything she was certain about it was that she was not taking any more of Derrick’s pills, not now, not ever. But he didn’t need to know that.

  “I will take a pill after I see Pauline.”

  “Okay.” Derrick nodded his ascent.

  “You can’t.”

  Franco’s voice was threaded with authority, as if he had dominion over not only Derrick but Kaila too. She rounded on him, images of punching Franco in the nose sped through her mind, but she pushed them away. Violence would only make her lose time, something that she didn’t have much of right then.

  “You will not stop me.”

  Even as she spoke the words she knew they were true. She had the power to do whatever she wanted to do. There were no more walls around her that she couldn’t break down; she would not be contained, not after she had finally found her freedom. Though Kaila had not raised her voice, the power in her words was undeniable. Franco cowered as he had before.

  “Take her away from here,” he ordered. His words no longer held the power that they had before.

  Kaila turned away from the little man. She pushed past Derrick who was blocking her path, then turned the doorknob. By the time that Derrick had gotten the message that she was leaving, she had opened the door and exited the room. She strode down the carpeted corridor that ended in a stairway much like the other place she had stayed. This place however appeared to be an office building, not a place where people lived. Brass numbers were mounted on every dark door that they passed. Some doors had plates with names of doctors engraved on them, others didn’t. She could hear Derrick behind her, jogging to keep up.

  “Kaila wait,” he pleaded. She didn’t stop.

  In her mind she was finished waiting. She had once trusted that Derrick cared as much as she did about Pauline, but now Kaila knew that she had been wrong. Derrick didn’t care about Pauline at all. She still wasn’t sure why he had agreed to break her out of Wildwind, only that he had. He had been the exit, and now she would have to create her own door to Pauline.

  The hardwood stairs emptied into a large foyer with a white marble floor veined with grey. A huge sign with names of all the suites and the doctors who worked there sat beside a stainless steel elevator with a mirrored finish. Kaila paused when she caught sight of her reflection.

  Her hair hung loose, in springy curls that hadn’t been tamed by a brush, no longer windswept but instead messy. Her eyes were red-rimmed as if she hadn’t slept in some time. The white t-shirt she wore made her already pale skin appear even more washed out, even her freckles were muted. Before she had a chance to cut her gaze away from her reflection, Derrick caught up to her. He stood beside her, staring into the mirrored surface too. His olive skin and healthy glow only added more weight to what Kaila already knew, she wasn’t thriving outside of Wildwind, but withering away and dying.

  CHAPTER 33

  Derrick stood beside her in silence, when he finally did speak it wasn’t what she had expected him to say.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  He turned to face her.

  She matched his move.

  He stared into Kaila’s blue eyes with his brown ones. Their eyes locked and held together until Derrick dropped his gaze to the marble floor. His despondent behavior was enough for Kaila to pause and listen to what he had to say.

  “Sorry?” she repeated the word, stunned that it had passed through Derrick’s lips. It wasn’t the kind of sentiment that she had come to expect from Derrick. But in truth, nothing that Derrick did had any continuity. There was no way of predicting what he would or would not do at any given time.

  Kaila studied him. His eyes remained fixed on the floor as if it held the secret to the meaning of life. Finally, he tipped his head up until his eyes met hers again. His expression indicated that he was telling the truth, he was sorry for something, but for what she wasn’t sure.

  “I shouldn’t have taken you out of Wildwind…”

  He trailed off then looked past her toward the sliding glass doors, opening and closing with every person that stepped into or out of the building.

  “I need to take you back to Wildwind. You’re not made for this world, this chaos, you need order.”

  Kaila’s heart jumped in her chest at the mention of Wildwind. Despite knowing that she was going back at some point, hearing him say it unhinged her. There was no way she was going back until she had done what she had set out to do.

  “I can’t go back until I save Pauline.”

  Derrick’s brow furrowed even more than before. Regret flooded his face. His reaction only left Kaila more confused than before. In her mind the problem was simple enough to fix, that was unless…

  “You don’t think we can save her,” Kaila whispered.

  Derrick went silent then cut his eyes back to the floor.

  Fear, like nothing she had felt before, scraped at her throat for release. She felt weak at the concept that Pauline might no longer exist on earth even if she and Derrick intervened.

  “I am Trillian.”

  The words were out before she could rein them in. Like a trigger that was hit when things felt out of control, Trillian was invoked, her name an incantation that would magically fix everything. Only it never did, because Trillian didn’t care about people or much of anything other than her thoughts and words.

  Derrick was unaffected by Kaila’s statement. He shook his head.

  “This has all gotten so out of control,” he said in a low voice.

  “What are you saying? What are you saying? What-are-you-saying?” Kaila said spreading the words out the third time she repeated it. Her voice was piercing; the cadence said definitively that she had lost all semblance of control.

  Derrick flipped his head up. He locked onto Kaila, his stare intense, his body stiff with strain, as if something Kaila had said or done had cracked something inside him wide open.

  “Fuck.”

  He tugged a hand through his hair viciously.

  Derrick’s demeanor was enough for Kaila to push Trillian back to the recesses of her mind. She needed to discover what was going on in his head, what she had said that had activated him.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Kaila asked.

  The question seemed odd even to her.

  Derrick pulled at his hair with enough force that Kaila was sure that it must have hurt. He sucked in a huge mouthful of air then exhaled loudly. His body appeared to collapse in on itself. The man that he had been since he had been outside Wildwind retreated; the man-boy took his place.

  “I have to take you back, now.”

  He brought his gaze back to Kaila. She glowered at him.

  “But we need to save Pauline.”

  Kaila moved closer to Derrick until the spicy scent of his cologne was all she could smell. He seemed to shrink a little more. She watched him, waiting, because he was the only one who knew the truth since they had been following his prophecy.

  Everything, including time seemed to halt, and was balanced on what he would say next. Kaila was so terrified that her insides felt as if they were crawling with worms and insects. Trillian for once had nothing to offer.

  Then suddenly Derrick’s face lit up. He stood a little straighter, not enough to become the man again but somewhere in between.

  “I’ll take you out and show you a bit of my world before I bring you back to Wildwind.”

  His offer sounded good to Kaila, yet the idea that Pauline was only hours away from dying overshadowed everything.

  “But Pauline…” she started to say.

  “I’ll take you to see her too, after we do a little bit of exploring.”

  His face was set in a way that indicated that there was no room for negotiation. Kaila wasn’t certain if she could trust Derrick, but every part of her longed to be out again, to be surrounded in the real. To eat, drink and absorb every bit that she could. Still, she had to be sure.

  “You promise that you’ll take me to see Pauline soo
n?”

  Derrick nodded and it was enough for Kaila.

  “Show me life in the real,” she said as they stepped out the front door.

  When she glanced back at the structure she had just exited, Kaila realized that it was an office building made of so much glass and steel that it seemed impossible that it stood erect. The rain had already stopped, and as they made their way down the sidewalk to destinations unknown, the sun cut through the grey, seeming to lay its warm fingers upon Kaila. Right then and without a doubt, she knew that there was magic in the real and she was ready to discover it all.

  CHAPTER 34

  Derrick tried to hail a cab not long after they had hit the street, yet it seemed that every yellow cab that passed them was either occupied or out of service. They continued walking. Kaila shifted her computer under her arm a few times when her muscles began to tire. As they strode forward she wondered where her green bag was, and if it was still at the house that Derrick had taken her to.

  Derrick seemed too focused on hailing a cab to say much of anything. He didn’t bother telling Kaila where he planned to take her, but knowing that they were in fact going somewhere was enough for her to follow his lead. When a cab finally did pull up beside them, the sun was in full force, drying all the rain that the storm had brought with it. Petunias that were heavy with rainwater, drooped, but everything else was vibrant and more alive than the last time she had been out. The air even smelled different, of moss and earth, and wet concrete.

  Derrick opened the door to the cab and motioned for her to enter. Wary, Kaila paused. When the cabbie barked at her that he didn’t have all day, she hustled inside, sliding across the cracked white leather backseat, to the opposite side of the cab. Derrick joined her seconds later. He spoke to the cabbie and Kaila drifted away, taking in all that surrounded her. Being in the cab was a first for her as most of everything else was. She noted that it smelled of pine cleaner like the kind that they sometimes used to clean the floors in the White Room, sharp and distinctive. But there was also something sweet like a chocolate bar, beneath that scent.

  The cabbie was tanned and rotund, he wore a light blue short-sleeved cotton shirt that had yellowed sweat stains under the armpits. Though the cab was cool, or relatively so, the cabbie sopped at his forehead repeatedly with a white cloth handkerchief that he shoved in the breast pocket of his shirt between wipes. A green tree-shaped air freshener, faded from the sun, dangled from the rearview mirror. The small piece of cardboard swayed side to side and back and forth with every turn they made, and each bump in the road they hit.

  He flicked the radio to a news channel that bored Kaila. She preferred music, any kind really, as long as it sounded happy and people didn’t scream the words until it sounded like their throats might hurt. Norm had liked that kind of music, what he called Screamo. The remembrance of Norm pushed Kaila back into the past. She pictured Norm fiddling with his iPod before allowing her to listen through his ear buds. When she had told him that she hated the music, he had only laughed.

  For some reason, this time when she remembered Norm it didn’t feel the same. Her heart didn’t jump around wildly like a bird trapped in her chest. And even when she conjured the memory of being in the Storage room with him, it felt like a movie, paling in comparison to being in the real. She wondered if her muted feelings had something to do with being around Derrick.

  Kaila had never planned to find anything of value in Derrick. He had just been a man-boy who had pestered her and intruded on her space, yet something had developed, something much more than she ever had with Norm.

  Kaila watched Derrick for a few moments as he gazed out the window. Much like she had been, he too was watching everything go by. And she saw that like a chameleon he had changed again, now he was just a boy, soft and immature, and she liked this part of him too. For some reason she liked every part of Derrick.

  Kaila leaned forward and brought her lips to Derrick’s cheek. His skin was slightly stubbly against her lips, his cologne mixed with the heat that wafted off his body. He startled at the contact, turning his face to hers so swiftly that their lips brushed across each others. Kaila felt rooted in place. Derrick’s mouth had been on hers before, when she had fainted, but this was different because it left not only her lips tingling but also her whole being. He gave her a half-smile that made her cheeks go hot. She wanted to stay in that moment forever. Right then everything was possible, she could live in the real, with Derrick, she could be there and…

  “What was that for?” he asked, shifting a little away, breaking the spell.

  He might have moved to another continent because that was how it felt to Kaila. The elation she had experienced at the feel of his lips against hers was only matched by the anguish of knowing that none of it was possible. Derrick belonged in the real world, she belonged at Wildwind, though she didn’t want to see it, she did. She had been locked away long enough to understand the rules, even though she felt incapable of abiding most of them.

  She pressed her fingers to her lips as if she might feel Derrick’s mouth still there. But there was no hint of anything, not a lingering feeling, nothing at all. Wordlessly she turned away from him, watching the world speed by as they drove. Everything that was around her was flying away from her.

  So Kaila decided to ride with the wind, soar as high as she could go, and when she came down and went back to where she belonged, she would somehow be able to bottle up her would-be life, all that might have been. And all of it would have been real, every single detail and nuance would be one hundred percent authentic. It had all begun with a kiss from a man-boy who would never be her lover, or friend, or much more than a beautiful memory.

  CHAPTER 35

  Time passed by in a flurry, where everything that she touched and felt was real, and so much more than she had ever predicted. When she petted the white Shetland pony at the zoo, its coat was coarser than she had expected, and when she had gazed into its glassy eyes, it was as if she had stared into eternity. And when she had eaten cotton candy, sticky and pink, after she had watched a man swirl a paper cone a dozen times in a spinning silver vat, she let the floss melt on her tongue, and return to sugar granules that dissolved into nothing.

  The water in the fountains that sprayed up, had caught her in the stream, and had made her giggle at the feel of the cold on her legs and face. She marveled at how shocking the iciness was and how it was exactly what she needed in the heat that was bearing down upon she and Derrick. It didn’t bother her when she was soaked, or that her shoes squished and sloshed when she walked.

  Kaila sniffed the scent of the grass, wondrous about how it managed to grow in places where it seemed physically impossible. She pushed her nose into every flower she saw, noting that some had a scent while others none at all. And she squeezed those memories inside her mind with the others.

  She squealed with a mix of fear and delight when they went to the highest point on the Ferris wheel. The rush of air that came when they descended was fresh and so very real. A roller coaster ride had her feeling both excited and terrified at once, and she had gripped the handles of the seat while they had dipped and spun. When she had come off the ride she had felt so dizzy that she staggered when she walked. Derrick had been there and had allowed her to lean on his frame until she felt steady again. Derrick did not go unnoticed as Kaila made deposits of time into her mind, as she constructed a movie that she would some day play again. Kaila saw how relaxed and into the moment he was, and it made her heart grow with something that felt warm and toasty.

  Trillian tried many times to step forward, to take control, but Kaila stood her ground, pushing back as hard as Trillian shoved to be out. Kaila didn’t care what came after, only what was now. She refused to allow Trillian even a solitary second of what she was experiencing, it was Kaila’s real, not Trillian’s. And when the day was spent and all that she had experienced was tucked inside her mind, encapsulated, ready to be retrieved at her desire, she felt bliss like she had never k
nown before.

  Tucked back into the same bed where she had first found herself with the fairy, she closed her eyes and slept, finding peace and tranquility in merely being alive.

  CHAPTER 36

  “See me, know me, hear me. I am here and I will show you the way.”

  Trillian’s words woke Kaila. Daylight was just beginning to seep in around the curtain that she had only pulled half shut the night before. The rays came to rest on the scuffed hardwood floor, puddling into a perfect circle of light. When another circle joined the first, she remembered it all and that it was the day, or at least she thought it was the day.

  According to Derrick’s prophecy Pauline was destined to die today, unless she and Derrick saved her. In the space that had been the day before, Kaila had lost herself again and had forgotten about Pauline. With all that went on in the real world, it felt impossible to keep all her thoughts in line. She only needed to gaze at something she had never seen before, a flower that was unknown, or to run her hand across the soft coat of a black Labrador puppy to be taken away on a sea of exhilaration. And when she found herself in that space and time, she forgot that there was a past or a future; there was nothing but being right in that exact moment.

  There had been a pool too, filled with splashing children and adults alike, all attempting to cool down on a scorching hot day. Derrick had tugged off his shirt, and had tossed it aside before joining the throngs. Kaila had her shirt half way off, revealing her bra beneath when Derrick had exited the pool and gently urged her to leave the shirt in place. She had eventually agreed. Then they were lost in the crowds, splashing the water at each other until Kaila couldn’t catch her breath and had to pause, only to begin again with renewed fervor. It was in this tight space that Kaila felt a few spiders tap across her arms and back and sometimes her legs, but they never stayed long enough to ruin her fun.

  Kaila leapt from the bed, anxiety running a serrated knife across her spine. Her green bag was resting on the chair. Even without searching through the contents she knew that there were no clean offerings inside. The clothes that she was wearing were a day old and she could smell the unclean on her, clinging to the fabric of her tee and sweatpants. Despite having no fresh clothes to change into, she couldn’t forgo her morning ritual. A shower and grooming were not only essential, but also gave her comfort in the semblance of her old routines.