Be in the Real

by Denise Mathew

  Kaila didn’t hesitate to move ahead. As soon as she was buckled in, Derrick backed out of the garage and they were on their way.

  CHAPTER 41

  The red numbers on the dashboard clock said it was 10:45 o’clock. Oddly, Kaila realized that since she had been away from Wildwind, her prior disdain at time-keeping devices had shifted into acceptance; conventional timekeeping devices were convenient.

  The street they had driven down in the day had transformed into something very different at night. Now, artificial light seemed to be at a premium. Under the cloak of darkness houses had scant reminders of their existence in the form of porch or driveway lighting.

  Kaila appreciated the whip of the wind against her face and how the air had cooled enough that it felt fresher, cleaner than in the height of the sizzling day. The trees that hid much of the sky at Pauline’s house persisted for the length of the street. Only when they had veered out of the residential area onto a practically deserted highway, did Kaila get a better view of the heavens above them.

  The moon was full, polished and bright, like a perfectly formed snowball of light. And if she had known anything about astronomy, she might have picked out all the constellations of the stars that were in perfect view against the black silk of the night sky. In that moment, with the wind threading its fingers through her hair, tossing it in her face and out the open window, Kaila felt only bliss, as if she had been put in that exact moment so she would know, really know what it felt like to be truly alive.

  “I have to tell you a few things, things I’ve kept from you…stuff you should know.”

  Derrick’s voice cut into Kaila’s consciousness, tugging her back to a reality that paled at the dream that she had just been entertaining.

  “What stuff?”

  Derrick’s face was in shadow, his silhouette gave nothing away.

  “Things about me and…”

  He shrugged. “Things I did that I’m not very proud of, but stuff you need to know all the same. I owe it to you.”

  “Are you talking about your prophecy about Pauline?”

  Kaila asked the question that had been rolling around in her mind for longer than she wanted to admit.

  “That…and other things too.”

  He sucked in a long inhale then released it in a rush. “But not now, I’ll tell you when we get back to Pauline’s place.”

  Derrick turned his face toward Kaila. She saw little of his expression in the dark, until an oncoming cars headlights lit up the interior. For a flash she saw a mix of remorse and pain in his eyes.

  He brought his focus back to the road ahead then flicked on the radio. The atmosphere in the space had suddenly and inexplicably become heavier, as if the air had gained weight.

  “I know about Trillian…that she’s you I mean,” he said several minutes later. His voice faltered with the admission.

  Kaila nodded, though she knew he couldn’t see.

  “Trillian, and I guess you, are the reason I went to Wildwind.”

  Kaila had already known that Derrick had been aware of Trillian, but the second piece of information that he had just imparted left her baffled.

  “You went to Wildwind because you tried to kill yourself, because you were crazy, that’s why everyone goes to Wildwind…crazy for a while, or crazy for a little, but always crazy, those are the rules.”

  Even as she spoke, Kaila tried to make sense of his words that for some reason had made a part of her ache without the knowing why. Trillian tried to push forward, take over, her pressure was stronger than Kaila had felt in a very long time. It took all Kaila’s will to shove her back down, but Trillian had left something behind in her wake, the feeling that she didn’t want Kaila to hear Derrick’s words, or Derrick’s secrets.

  Kaila cupped her head in her hands, rocking back and forth. She worked to keep Trillian back, yet once again like a wild stallion racing against the tide, she surged forward. Kaila opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, none of the questions that had formed in her mind were allowed passage through her lips; Trillian was having her way.

  Derrick seemed too caught up in what he was saying to realize that Kaila was fighting an internal battle.

  “I did it on purpose, I faked a suicide attempt. I never planned to kill myself but my fake attempt was a little overkill, a miscalculation on my part. I had worked out the probabilities. The worst-case scenarios, judging by the trajectory and the distance I fell were supposed to be minor. Of course I fucked up my leg worse than I had planned but…”

  He cleared his throat.

  “That’s not the point though. What I’m trying to say is that I came to find Trillian, I came to find you.”

  Though this revelation came as a shock to Kaila, she could feel that Trillian had already known this, had in fact known it for some time.”

  “You have quite a following outside, your blog Musings from the Universe is crazy popular, but what was even more intriguing about it was that no one could find anything else about this Trillian person, nothing but a name and a blog. It wasn’t until I had a computer hack track down your IP address that I realized that it was coming from a mental institution.”

  “Don’t call it that, it’s called Wildwind. I am not a diagnosis, I am not a diagnosis…”

  She rocked harder now, her stomach turned in circles as everything around her took on a macabre feel, like she was somehow dying but hadn’t realized it yet.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you’re not a diagnosis, you’re Kaila…and Trillian.”

  His voice remained calm, soothing almost. It was the passivity in his cadence that threatened to crack her in half, and let Trillian take over because it was all too much to process.

  Kaila shook her head in a vicious move that made the bones of her neck crack.

  “I should wait. I’ll wait to tell you the rest when we’re back at Pauline’s place, it will be better then.”

  In the time it had taken for him to draw in another breath his voice had lost its calm.

  “Tell me now.”

  Kaila pushed the words out, using what little will she had left that Trillian hadn’t clamped down on.

  “I shouldn’t.”

  “Now.”

  The word was a howl and a scream mingled as one. Derrick heeded her demand and began to speak, emotion coloring his tone.

  “It started with my obsession, I needed to meet you. I wanted to know more about you, and why you thought the way you did. I guess I wanted to know if you knew about what it all means, why we’re here, why things turn to shit then smooth out. I had so many whys and…I had you so fucking up there, on this pedestal that I…”

  He broke off then gulped a few breaths in before he could speak again.

  “I didn’t have the cash to go to Wildwind on my own so I went to Franco, he’s actually a Bio professor of mine, but he also runs this New Age kind of group that tries to figure out the meaning of life, the infinity sign is kind of our logo. Anyway the group is supposed to figure out things and the meaning of life, but I now see that none of it matters, not when you use someone like a puppet and…fuck…”

  He went quiet.

  Kaila swayed harder, as if the steady rhythm of her body could numb the feeling that she had been stabbed through the heart with a red hot poker, because Derrick had lied so much, so very much. He had convinced her he was her friend, but he had only wanted to use her, use Trillian. The infinity symbol meant nothing, none of it did.

  The radio played a song that seemed to have been chosen by the gods for that very moment, Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel right…

  “I’m so sorry, for everything, I should never have taken you out of Wildwind. It was wrong. I pulled you away from everything that was familiar to you, everything that was yours and tossed you into an alien environment,” he said after a few more beats of silence.

  “What about the prophecy, what about Pauline?”

  “What’s happening?” Pauli
ne’s head popped forward between them. Even in the dark Kaila could see that Pauline’s hair was a matted mess.

  “Arriving at destination.” The robotic voice snapped all attention forward onto the GPS.

  “Turn right here,” she said, oblivious to what she had interrupted. Derrick responded without question, turning left onto an unlit paved road. In the pitch that seemed as thick as black tar, the Ferraris headlights were the only means to viewing the road ahead. Though it was still part of the highway it seemed desolate compared to the road that they had just exited.

  They drove for about a mile more before something other than black appeared in the gloom, a soft light.

  The shift in direction and Pauline’s resurgence had been enough to pull Kaila away from the edge that she had been teetering over minutes before. Trillian must have sensed the shift too because she had faded back.

  “It’s there, right there.”

  Pauline’s nap had left her marginally more lucid than before. Her slurred speech had straightened a little. Derrick pulled onto the shoulder next to the sign that said REST AREA. A single light illuminated the area that looked out over a nearby city off in the distance. Pinpoints of light marked the life of the inhabitants. Pauline hit the back of Derrick’s seat a few times with her fist before he responded. He jumped out then flipped the seat forward so she could extricate her lithe frame from the car. Her first step was shaky, the second even worse when she put weight on her injured foot. By the expression on her face, she was getting the feeling back.

  “That fucking hurts,” she said, wincing.

  Derrick swung his arm around her waist, lifting her with ease. Kaila watched them for a couple of seconds before getting out of the car too. Her head was a jumble after Derrick’s confession, but it was too much to sort through right then. When she caught sight of the world that was spread unobstructed before her, all other thoughts fell away. In that space of time there was no past and no future, only that very moment. Right then, high above everything else, the world took on a magical flavor, where if she laid down on her back she might be able to see the Milky Way in all its grandeur. Derrick deposited Pauline on the other side of the metal guardrail, where knee-high grass swayed in the soft breeze. Pauline stumbled forward, once again forgetting that her foot hurt. Derrick glanced back at Kaila. There was apprehension in his dark eyes.

  “Are you okay?”

  Kaila ignored the question, she couldn’t speak to him because if she did he would drag her back, back to the world of lies; she couldn’t go there right then. She needed to see the moon, feel the grass on her skin, disappear into the dark of the night where only the lights of the heavens existed.

  She was over the guardrail and next to Pauline. Then they were walking side by side, like they were in Wildwind again, where Kaila never needed to speak for Pauline to understand; a quiet that spoke. Kaila drew in a long breath. Clean air filled every single alveoli of her lungs. The farther away from the streetlight they went, the darker it became, and the more the sky came to life.

  A few steps later, where light was just a memory, Pauline suddenly vanished. Kaila hastened her pace and might have walked right by Pauline if her friend hadn’t snatched the fabric of Kaila’s sweatpants. Kaila halted, then dropped down into the grass beside Pauline. With nothing to obscure the view, the moon shone to its full potential, casting its glow onto Pauline’s face, lighting all but the scar on her cheek. For a moment Kaila caught a glimpse of who Pauline had been, and who she would never be again, unmarred and perfect even if she couldn’t see it herself.

  “Isn’t it amazing?” Pauline asked as Kaila took up residence next to her.

  Kaila nodded, too awestruck by the magnificence of what she was seeing to speak. So they didn’t speak, only watched, and in those quiet spaces of time Kaila soared into the sky, touched the stars, landed on the moon, played hopscotch in the heavens and felt absolute and utter peace.

  CHAPTER 42

  Pauline’s dancing in the grass dragged Kaila back to the present. It surprised Kaila how Pauline moved as though she hadn’t sliced her foot open like a ripe melon. Derrick wasn’t in view, lost somewhere in the grass enjoying it all. Kaila heard the peeping sounds of a cell phone then Pauline bounded away, her phone still glowing in her right hand. Eventually the light dimmed when the phone went back into standby mode.

  “Come on Kaila, let’s dance.”

  Pauline stumbled a few times in the tangles of weeds before she finally reached Kaila. She twirled a few times like a drunken ballerina then collapsed into the grass, only to pop back up and race away toward the guardrail. Kaila followed her, saddened that it was time to leave, but also weary from the day. She didn’t know where she would sleep only that she hoped she could do it soon. Before Pauline climbed over the rail she spun to face Kaila. Her face was in full view under the streetlight. Tears glimmered in her eyes, yet a smile curved half her mouth into a crooked bow.

  “I love you Kaila, you know that. There’s not one fucking person in the world who accepts me exactly as I am, no bullshit, no changes required, one hundred percent true. Who would have thought that I’d find that kind of thing in a loony bin?”

  “Loony bin? What’s a loony bin?”

  To her recollection Wildwind had been called many things, but this was something brand new.

  Kaila cocked her head to the side. Pauline flicked her hand at Kaila, dismissing her query about the loony bin then lunged forward, leaning over the guardrail long enough to take Kaila in a rapid embrace. The hug was over before it even began, but still managed to leave Kaila feeling good for the contact because no spiders had come. She threw a leg over the guardrail and followed Pauline.

  Kaila was too tired to press Pauline on the matter of what exactly a loony bin was. Whatever adrenalin had pushed her through the last few hours had been depleted and now all she could concentrate on was lying down and sleeping.

  Instead of climbing back into the car, Pauline moved toward the deserted road, gazing out into the darkness as if she was waiting for someone to arrive.

  “What are you doing?” Derrick voiced the question that had just taken up residence in Kaila’s mind.

  Pauline didn’t answer. She continued staring into the gloom. Kaila opened the car door then slid into the passenger seat. Kaila leaned back against the seat of the car, the leather squeaked with the act. She closed her eyes, sleep took her seconds later.

  The sound of arguing voices jarred her awake. It took her a minute to remember where she was. When she did, Kaila recognized that the voices were Pauline and Derrick’s. Still half asleep, she stumbled out of the car. As soon as she was standing, she locked onto Pauline and Derrick. The light illuminated the pair who were arguing vehemently. Their sudden row seemed odd to Kaila, given they had been more than a little amorous for most of the day. Kaila took a few steps closer to them, bits and pieces of the conversation drifted toward her on the wind.

  “We need to go. I have to take Kaila back…”

  “You can’t take her back, not now anyway, don’t get your panties into a bunch, he’ll be here soon and then we can do a few more lines and everything will get smooth again…”

  “I’ve had enough coke to last a lifetime. I need to crash…”

  Derrick made another grab for Pauline’s arm, but she lurched away before he caught hold of her. She winced when her injured foot hit the gravel then stopped abruptly.

  “Fuck this shit. Let your drug dealer drive you home. Kaila and I are going.”

  Pauline spun to face him. She had moved to the center of the road and was far enough away from the light that she was enveloped by darkness. Fixed on Pauline, Kaila didn’t notice that Derrick had come back to the car until she heard the door slam. She spun to face him, leaning into the open door. Derrick jammed the key into the ignition.

  “Get in, we’re leaving. She’s being fucking unreasonable.”

  Kaila shook her head. Her eyes read the red lights of the clock, 11:55 o’clock.
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  “We can’t leave her, she’s my friend.”

  Kaila turned back to face the road. Then everything happened in slow motion. The lights of the speeding car caught Pauline in the glow, but she was too intent on the small screen of her phone to register the car, or the fact that she was moments away from being hit. Kaila’s legs pushed her forward, instinct taking over long before her brain had a chance to catch up. She wasn’t sure how she was going to do it only that she somehow needed to get Pauline out of the way.

  “Pauline.”

  Kaila’s voice charged the air with fear that squeezed her heart into putty.

  Pauline’s face tilted up and away from her phone. She studied Kaila for a moment, but her numbed senses were no match for a speeding car. By the time she had realized what was happening it was too late. Kaila hit Pauline as hard as she could and it was in that moment that she knew why she had been gifted her strength. In a flash of time that seemed to stretch into oblivion, Kaila knew that every piece of her life had been placed and orchestrated, leading her to this very moment. The grand finale, where she would save Pauline. She knew that Derrick had been right all along. It had all been predestined, despite what he had believed.

  He was a prophet.

  Pauline flew away from her into the blackness, a hand extended toward Kaila, her fingers attempting to grasp anything she could. And Kaila saw it there, the star-shaped scar on Pauline’s face, shining bright in the cars beams, and she knew what it meant, finally she knew. It was at that exact moment that the car hit her full force and Kaila knew nothing more.

  CHAPTER 43

  “Kaila, Kaila, wake up…I’m so sorry, I did this. I…”

  Kaila’s eyes fluttered open to an unnatural brightness that made her squint.

  “Help’s coming, just stay still.” Derrick’s voice was cut with tension.

  His face bobbed into view, basked in light as if he were an angel. And she sighed at how truly beautiful he was; she knew that she loved him then and would love him forever.