Six of One

by Rita Mae Brown

  "Hooch delivery."

  "How come I've missed this?"

  "He usually arrives earlier."

  "Fannie Jump must be dropping over tonight."

  "Celeste drinks very little. Fannie likes her stuff dropped off here. She thinks her husband don't know nothing that way."

  A broad-shouldered, small-waisted man unloaded the truck, singing while he worked. His hair was blond and slicked back like a John Held, Jr., "sheik." As he turned and carried his burden to the back door, Julia Ellen beheld a beautiful square face and large luminous eyes. He tried to open the door but Juts stood there, immobile.

  "Excuse me, miss."

  She didn't move a muscle.

  "Julia, move yourself," Cora called.

  Startled, she looked at her mother. "Me?"

  "No. Robert E. Lee. Move so the man can get through."

  "I'm sorry." Juts took a few steps back and stared.

  The handsome fellow heaved the huge carton on the counter. Then he had a long look at Julia. He didn't say anything, either. The two of them stared at each other like cats ready to pounce. Cora unloaded the booze. After a minute or two she fathomed the situation. A broad smile crossed her weathered face. "Chester Smith, this here's my youngest daughter, Julia Ellen."

  "I'm pleased to meet you, miss."

  "Likewise." Julia still stared.

  "Julia, offer the man a cup of coffee."

  "Mr. Smith, would you like a cup of coffee?"

  "Yes, thank you."

  Julia filled the coffeepot up, measured out the coffee, and forgot to turn the stove on. Cora turned it on while the two young people floundered for conversation.

  "Do you take sugar?"

  "Yes, thank you."

  "Milk?"

  "Yes, thank you."

  "Cupcakes?"

  "Yes, thank you."

  Julia placed the items on the table.

  "Thank you," Chester said one more time.

  Julia sat across from him. More bulky silences followed. Cora whistled so she wouldn't laugh in their faces.

  "Miss Hunsenmeir—" Chester gulped.

  "Please call me Julia or Juts. All my girlfriends call me Juts."

  "Juts?"

  "Yes."

  "Uh—is the coffee ready?"

  "I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, I forgot."

  "Call me Chessy. Call me anything," he blurted out.

  Julia poured his coffee. He didn't drink it.

  "Juts?"

  "Yes?"

  "Would you ... pass me the sugar?"

  She pushed it closer to him although it was easily in reach.

  "Juts?"

  "Yes?"

  "Would you like to ride with me while I finish my rounds?"

  "You bet!"

  With that they both ran out and hopped into the truck like two little kids. Cora felt a pang in her chest of both delight and sadness. She knew she was getting old.

  Celeste, Ramelle and little Spotty piled in the back door.

  "Cora, did Juts just go off in the truck with our delivery boy?" Ramelle asked.

  "Yes."

  "What was that all about?" Celeste noticed the two full and steaming cups of coffee.

  Cora replied, "Love at first sight."

  August 7, 1925

  What a stinking-hot day. Even now, an hour before sunset, the earth shimmered and the corn looked ready to pop right on the stalk. Bumblebee Hill, being on high ground, was a bit cooler, but not much. Today was Chessy's twentieth birthday. Juts had promised him a cake, so he drove his beloved Ford up to Cora's house. Chessy and Juts spent as much time together as they could. He came from Hanover, where he worked as a butcher. His folks, being Dunkards, didn't know about his liquor deliveries, but they did know about Julia and they frowned on his keeping company with a worldly girl, as they called her. Chessy, not one to be held back by the refinements of religious prejudice, ignored Mom and Pop. As far as he was concerned, they lived in another century and he was a man of his time. To Juts' credit, she never acted any different with Chessy than she did with anyone else. Not for her the languid sighs of Louise when she was courting. She ran, jumped, danced and once even donned boxing gloves in a mock battle with Chessy. Louise deplored such behavior and remarked with pained dignity that Juts was no lady. Juts did everything but drive, and how she hounded Chessy to teach her! She even put on overalls and crawled under Bertha, his car, with him. Chessy and Juts were pals. This mystified Wheezie, who devoutly believed men and women were incapable of understanding one another. Sexual difference was part of God's plan and God's plan was dualistic: black and white, right and wrong, man and woman. It was very simple, too, which was why Louise embraced this revealed order with such fervor. She didn't understand Pearlie, nor did she try. Her energy fan in the direction of housebreaking him. Carlotta Van Dusen had darkly hinted during those days at Immaculata Academy that men were created in God's image but that Satan also was a man. Woman, the purifying force, must be ever vigilant lest her man enter down the paths of unrighteousness. Louise was vigilant. Pearlie worked so hard, the poor man barely had time to wipe his ass, much less be led into temptation. He dragged home from the factory only to find a mass of chores waiting for him. His reward for such labor was physical relations with Louise, carefully rationed. Pearlie, a quiet soul, accepted all this, for it relieved him of the responsibility of thinking ahead. Louise did that. This evening he sat on the porch railing, reveling in escape from duty. Louise played the piano, which was on the porch for the summer. She started off with a hymn, but Fannie Jump, tiddly, requested "I'm Just Wild About Harry," as that was the name of her latest conquest. Fairy fanned herself on the big swing at the other end of the porch. She and Fannie had ridden up with Ramelle, little Spotts and Celeste. The old Vassar gang had come to cherish these moments at Cora's place.

  Ev Most helped Juts with the cake while Cora sat in her rocker and clapped in time to the music so Spotts would learn to dance. Celeste and Ramelle each held the child's hand and showed her the steps. Orrie Tadia, late as usual, plodded up the hill.

  Cora saw her in the distance and exclaimed, "She got a red blouse, a green skirt and orange earrings. Lordie, that ain't no country girl—that's a miracle."

  Celeste cracked, "No one will ever mistake Orrie for a TB victim."

  "You are wicked," Fairy added, sorry she hadn't thought of it.

  Chessy returned from admiring Celeste's latest Hispano-Suiza. "Miss Chalfonte, that's something."

  "Why, thank you, Chessy. Juts tells me you love cars."

  "Who doesn't?"

  "Louise, don't answer that," Pearlie gibed his musical wife.

  "Chessy—aw, Chessy!" Juts hollered from inside the house.

  "What?"

  "Close your eyes. Mom, make sure he closes his eyes."

  "All right, Juts." Cora got up and put her hands over Chessy's eyes.

  Julia walked out, carrying a large cake with twenty candles on it, lit.

  "Ohhh," Spotts was thrilled.

  "O.K., big guy, you can look," Juts told him.

  Cora dropped her hands and Chessy's face shone when he saw his birthday cake. He couldn't think of anything to say.

  "Cat got your tongue?" Juts said.

  "Gee—it's beautiful. Thanks," he managed to stammer.

  "Mom, this is getting heavy. Where should I set it down?"

  "Here, put it on the top step. We don't need to be fancy." Cora helped her put the cake down.

  "You have to make a wish and blow out the candles," Juts informed her friend.

  "I wish—"

  "Don't tell! It won't come true. You have to keep it a secret," she warned him.

  Chessy's parents had never given him a birthday party. They had considered such things silly, mildly sinful, and it might spoil the boy's character. He didn't know about candles and wishes.

  "Blow them out? Everybody stand back then." He waved them all aside, took a huge breath and blew them all out but one.

  "Will take a year
for your wish to come true," Cora said.

  "I'll go get the plates." Ev hurried to the kitchen. From there she called out, "Juts, you don't have enough forks to go around."

  "We'll eat with our fingers," Juts called back.

  "I want a fork," Louise demanded.

  "O.K., O.K.," Juts answered.

  Fannie struggled to get the cap off her flask.

  Chessy noticed her efforts. "Mrs. Creighton, don't bother with that."

  "What? This is the elixir of the gods, young man."

  "Huh?"

  "Never mind."

  "Save it." Chessy started down the steps. "I brought some stuff for the birthday party."

  "You dear boy! Let me help you." Fannie was halfway to his car before he hit the last step. Together they carried back two gallons of good Canadian liquor.

  Spotts had her hands on the cake. She couldn't resist. Her black curls shook with anticipation. As she bent over and put her head low, concentrating on the cake, she couldn't see anyone. She figured they couldn't see her.

  "Spotts, what are you doing?"

  Surprised, the child straightened up. "Nothing."

  "Icing all over your fingers. Very incriminating.'' Celeste's eyebrow shot up.

  Ev handed Chessy a knife. He cut the first piece and gave it to Spotts. As he cut the rest of the cake the people sang "Happy Birthday." Louise, at the piano, spiced the song with a few florid vocal additions.

  The sun coasted toward the horizon. A deep golden light cast long shadows. Finishing her cake, Louise struck up "In the Good Old Summertime," everyone's favorite, especially on a day like this one. Then she remembered the "Charleston" and "Tea for Two." Pearlie perched on the banister. Celeste decided to sit there, too. Fannie, not to be outdone, sat by the piano. Since it was at the end of the porch, she could lean up against the post while sitting on the railing. She didn't trust herself without support. Ramelle sat next to the cake with Spotts in her lap. Cora rocked away, glad to be alive. She loved summer. Ev, Juts and Chessy horsed around in the front yard while Orrie sang along with Louise.

  "Let's play catch," Juts challenged them.

  "Too hot," Ev replied.

  "Anyway, I ate too much cake." Chessy rubbed Ms stomach..

  "Anyone want to play hide and go seek?" Julia addressed the porch folks. Their response ruled out that one.

  "I know." Juts was full of beans today.

  "Spare me." Ev sat down on the grass.

  "Chessy, teach me to drive."

  "Well..."

  "Pulease, pretty please?" Julia punched his arm.

  "Only if you do exactly as I say." Chessy wiped the sweat off his forehead.

  "Julia listen to anyone? Ha!" Ev squinted.

  "Ev!"

  "Aw, Juts, I'm fooling."

  "Come on, Chessy," Julia tugged at his undershirt He had taken his shirt off in the heat.

  "All right."

  "I get to sit in the back seat." Ev raced for the car. "Hey, everybody. Chessy's gonna teach me to drive," Juts announced.

  "Remember, Julia Ellen, pedestrians come in two classes—the quick and the dead." Celeste was swinging her feet over the railing.

  "With Juts at the wheel, they'll all be dead," Louise sang to the tune of "And the Band Played On."

  "Mother, watch me."

  "How can I help but watch you, unless you're driving to Baltimore?"

  Julia was so excited she turned handsprings over to Chessy's Ford. Ev positioned herself in the back seat. Chessy cajoled Bertha into starting, put her in neutral and then pointed out the clutch, the gas pedal and the brake to Julia.

  "I know all that," she gaily replied. Yes, driving a car. Independence, dash, speed. Julia saw herself heroically guiding an ambulance in World War I. She imagined flying down a country road scattering chickens or majestically rolling along Runnymede Square for all to see. First woman auto racer! She could just see it. Her picture in the paper. Goggles, scarf, grease, holding up a trophy bigger than herself. Transported by her ever-expanding sense of competence, she barely heard Chessy.

  "Behind the wheel. Ill sit over here."

  "Goody." Juts landed so hard in the seat the car rocked.

  "Depress the clutch," Chessy said.

  Julia pushed all the way down.

  "Now put 'er in first."

  "Up?"

  "Right."

  "Up and right?"

  "No, honey, I meant yes."

  "Oh."

  "Julia, will you listen?" Ev realized she was a sitting duck.

  "Now slowly let your foot off the clutch, slowly, and slowly give her a little gas with your right."

  Bang! Juts clamped down the gas pedal and off they went.

  "Take your foot off the gas." Chessy tried to remain calm.

  Possessed, Julia heard no one. She forgot everything she'd ever learned, and terrified by the pace at which she was moving, she concentrated solely on steering.

  "There she goes." Fannie slapped her thigh as the car roared in front of the house.

  Julia headed around the house, with Chessy yelling, "Take your foot off the gas!" to no effect. She swerved to miss a hedge and pointed toward the garden. Varoom! she obliterated the squash. The red barn was her next target.

  "I'm too young to die," Ev screamed, in genuine anguish.

  Chessy, face ashen, gripped the right door. "Pick your right foot up. Turn left, Juts, for God's sake, turn left!"

  She missed the barn by inches and tore back toward the front of the house. The gang on the porch heard the sound of doom approaching. Louise stuck to her spot, thinking the piano a good cover.

  "Mother, she'll hit us," Louise yelled as the sound of the motor became louder.

  "Just sit there and ignore your sister. You know she'll do anything for a laugh." Cora calmly rocked.

  As the car leapt into view, Celeste jumped off the railing. "I don't think she's fooling. Every woman for herself."

  Julia swung wide around the house and then turned toward it like a homing pigeon.

  Celeste grabbed Ramelle and Spotts, who was applauding.

  Pearlie gulped. "Hell's bells."

  Fannie, seeing the car bearing down on her, crawled up the porch post like a monkey and grasped the roof, swinging her body over and up in a surprising display of agility.

  "Brake, Julia, brake!" Chessy threw his hands over his head. Her foot, leaden, never left the accelerator.

  Ev pleaded, "Dear God, no. Ill stop smoking, I swear I will."

  Julia's eyes engulfed her face. Smash! Chessy's dear Ford plowed into the corner of the porch and stopped. Fannie lost her hold as the post snapped, and hung by her fingernails over the edge of the roof. Louise, jarred, watched in disbelief as the piano rolled gracefully down the newly slanted porch to bump into Chessy's radiator.

  "Save me!" Fannie bellowed, then lost her grip and plopped on the car's roof beneath her.

  Chessy staggered from the car. Ev wiggled out of a window, chanting, "Thank you, dear God, thank you."

  Julia remained at the wheel. Once stable on his feet, Chessy quickly opened her door. "Honey, honey, are you all right?"

  Julia mutely nodded.

  Fannie was assisted down from the Ford's roof by Celeste, who was laughing in spite of herself. Cora, once certain everyone was out of danger, sat on the bottom step of her injured porch and held her sides, she was laughing so hard.

  Julia refused to get out of the car. This way they couldn't get a good look at her. Tears rolled down from her eyes.

  Leaning over, Chessy put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, honey."

  She wouldn't budge. He lowered himself on his hunkers and gently encouraged her. "Come on, Julia, honey. Everyone is safe and sound."

  "I busted your car—and on your birthday." Now she was truly sobbing.

  Chessy looked at his prized possession and at a distraught Juts and sighed. He knew right then and there he loved Julia Ellen more than his car. "We can fix it together. You can help me."

&nbs
p; "How can you let me touch it? How can you even speak to me?" Her chest heaved.