Six of One

by Rita Mae Brown

  "I'm your older sister. I feel somewhat responsible for you."

  "Huh?" Julia wasn't sure her ears were working.

  "Obviously, Chessy is not prepared to handle finance or make his way in the world. I feel it is my duty to help you with these matters."

  "What? Are you around the bend or something?"

  "Don't insult me when I'm trying to help."

  "When help ain't asked for it ain't help."

  "Julia, don't be proud. You and Chessy live up there with Mother and the house doesn't even have indoor plumbing. Only last year you put down a new floor in the pantry, shingles on the roof and changed over Mother's wood-burning stove in the kitchen. I don't call that living. You might as well be camping out."

  "You were raised in that house. Now it's not good enough for you?"

  "One is to move up in life, not stay the same."

  "Piss on your teeth."

  "You have no ambition. This is America. What's wrong with you?"

  "Nothing's wrong with me. Rockefeller can live his life and I'll live mine."

  "Don't be a child, Julia. I've learned a lot with our painting business. Now that the girls are old enough to take care of themselves I have my job back at the Bon-Ton, but I can still do the books. This way I can send them to Immaculata Academy, where they develop useful contacts and learn social graces."

  "They'll learn to pray at an ice-water tea. Some social graces." Julia never could endure Louise's snob moments.

  "You're jealous because Celeste sent me and not you."

  "Up your ass."

  "I wish you'd restrain yourself."

  "Look, Louise, me and Chessy get by. We go out with the gang, we laugh, we're happy. I don't need a lot."

  "Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it."

  "Keep it up and I'll tear your thumbs off." Julia scowled.

  "You're thirty-three years old. Do you want to pump water for a bath in a wooden tub when you're fifty?"

  "I might not live that long. And if I'm pumping water it'll be good exercise."

  Louise took another tack. "Mary's playing Delirious on the piano now. You know, the composer."

  "Rooty-toot-toot."

  "The religious life doesn't interest Mary but I think Maizie will hear the call." Louise puffed up.

  "Sister Maizie. Ah, it has a ring to it."

  "Infidel."

  "Asswipe. For all you know, the priest could pee in the holy water. You'd still put it on your forehead and drop to your knees."

  "Julia!"

  "Shit, Louise, what do you expect? You insult me and Chessy. Tell me to my face I'm dumb about money and gonna wind up in the poorhouse. I live my life, you live yours."

  "What would you have me do—say you're dumb about money behind your back?"

  "You do that, too."

  "I do not. I most certainly do not."

  "Come on, you sling mud at me every time you see Orrie."

  "Did Orrie tell you that?"

  "I'm not revealing my sources."

  "Big mouth!"

  "See!"

  "Wait until I get my hands on her."

  "Noe will flatten you out, girl."

  "Now take Noe Mojo, for example. He's smart. He's a good businessman. He runs that meat warehouse, as well as his small restaurant right next to Fannie's. The two of them worked it out, you know. This way Fannie's patrons go to the next house for good food and come back in the club when they're done. That Noe is a smart man. He and Orrie are going to Japan this September for a solid month. That's what planning ahead can do for you."

  "I don't want a solid month in Japan. I'm happy on the front porch listening to the crickets."

  "Now you sound like Mother."

  "I'm my mother's daughter."

  "I didn't say that. You're discontented, Louise. As far back as I can remember you've always been discontented. You want to be high and mighty and rub shoulders at the Ritz. I don't care about that."

  "You should."

  "I don't want to be better than anybody else. I just want to be myself; that's plenty good enough."

  "I can see you're recalcified. There's no talking to you."

  "What's recalcified? I like to know my insults."

  "It means you're stubborn, won't listen to reason."

  "Is that so?"

  "That's so." Louise pressed her lips together. "And furthermore, Bon-Ton is sending me to New York City on a buying trip. You can sit here and listen to the crickets. I'm going to Fifth Avenue."

  "You know what you are, Louise?"

  "Successful."

  "No. You're a worm's turd."

  Walking home, Julia fumed over Louise's lecture. She didn't give a damn about status or money, but she was tiring of an outdoor toilet and pumping water in all weather. Climbing up Bumblebee Hill, an idea hit her. Chessy, Noe and Lionel had bought a game called Monopoly. Last weekend the whole gang played it. Julia loved games of any sort. If two blackbirds were sitting on a telephone wire, Julia naturally had to bet on which bird would fly away first. Monopoly was a matter of skill as well as luck, an irresistible combination to Juts. As soon as she was inside the house, she ran to the telephone and called up Celeste Chalfonte.

  "Hello."

  "Celeste, hello. It's Juts."

  "Do you want your mother?"

  "No, I want you."

  "How flattering."

  "Celeste, have you played Monopoly?"

  "Spotty gave it a whirl before she left."

  "Do you like it?"

  "It's not as much fun as poker."

  "Suppose you played it with real money?"

  "Julia, what a splendid idea."

  "I propose that you host a Monopoly party this Saturday afternoon. All comers must bring cash."

  "Let's see. Fannie will come, even though she can't really afford it. She'd never miss a chance like that. Ramelle will go along with it. Who else?"

  "Ruby, Rose and Rachel Rife." Julia's voice was firm.

  "They're three years older than God."

  "Celeste, they can't be much over sixty-five."

  "I'm not having a Rife in my house socially. No."

  "They share a brain between them. Think of all that loot."

  "Clever, these Hunsenmeirs."

  "They'll be so overjoyed at the invitation they'll play. Money means nothing to them anyway."

  "Let me think about it. I'll call you back."

  Twenty minutes later, after checking with Fannie Jump and Ramelle, Celeste called Julia back.

  "Julia, Celeste again."

  "How about it?" Julia's palm itched.

  "Yes."

  "I have another proposition for you."

  "What?"

  "You advance me the cash. If I lose I work it off, no matter how long it takes. I'll work it off every weekend. If I win I give you back your investment and I keep the rest."

  "Julia Ellen, what are you up to?"

  "I'm not telling."

  Celeste paused a moment. 'Tm game."

  By Saturday afternoon Runnymede buzzed with the news. Celeste set up the board in her formal garden under a tent Noe, who had a passion for Monopoly, catered the affair. Fannie Jump supplied oceans of booze, hoping to lull her opponents into mistakes. Orrie and Noe, Ev and Lionel, Chessy, Cora and Fannie's bouncer boyfriend, Hans, were on hand before the game even started. La Squandra sisters arrived, separately, each in a different-colored Rolls-Royce. Ruby's rubies glowed on her wrinkled breasts like pigeon blood. The acid green of Rose's emeralds could burn out your eyes. Rachel's pearls were big as pears. They pulsated. It had taken them sixty-some years to get invited to Celeste Chalfonte's, but they'd finally made it. The curious began to wander into the garden, until it resembled center court at Wimbledon.

  Julia picked the little pewter iron for her mark. Celeste grabbed the high hat, Ramelle the Scotty dog and the rest disappeared in a minute. Fannie bitched because she wanted the high hat They rolled the dice to get their order. Julia was f
ourth. She knew with this many players the property would go fast.

  The kitty money was fronted by each player, as well as the standard amount to start. This way every player put up the same amount. The first go-round of the board, Celeste got Pennsylvania Avenue. Julia winced. She wanted those greens if she could get them. Fannie landed on the Reading Railroad and bought it up in a twinkle. Juts knew if Fannie got her hands on the railroads or bargained for them, she'd be hard to dislodge. Ruby bought Oriental Avenue, no threat. Rose snatched the Electric Company. Rachel landed on Community Chest and received ten dollars for winning second prize in a beauty contest. Rachel thought this was better than buying property. Ramelle grabbed Indiana Avenue. This worried Julia. By luck, Julia landed on Park Place. She shelled out the money for it while the others watched with a wary eye.

  Fannie motioned for Hans to pass out the booze.

  Julia wisely stuck to Coca-Cola. The second round saw more properties get scattered. Fannie, however, secured the B & O Railroad. Fannie was already dangerous this early in the game. La Squandras spent themselves on Baltic and Mediterranean avenues. Rachel refused to buy any property. "My late lamented brother, Brutus, always said put your money in stocks." Her pearls heaved up and down with her breathing.

  Celeste plucked Illinois Avenue. Ramelle got Pacific and Fannie quickly disposed of North Carolina. Julia managed to scrape up Tennessee before landing in jail on a Chance card. She hated those damn Chance cards. On these beginning runs around the board, with so many players, a missed turn could spell disaster later. Noe was sweating as he watched the board. No sooner did Julia free herself from jail, not an easy procedure, than she landed on the goddamned Chance square again. This is it, she thought I'll be working for Celeste Chalfonte for the rest of my life. She turned over the orange card while the players and crowd stopped murmuring.

  "'Advance Token to Board Walk!' Look, that's what the card says."

  Julia raced to Boardwalk and purchased the dark-blue card. Now she would figure out her resources and begin putting houses on her property. But she didn't want to leave herself short. She had to pay rent every time she landed on someone else's property, although she was the first on the board to have a hegemony on lots. But Fannie garnered the Short Line Railroad in addition to her scattered property holdings. Fannie was getting extremely dangerous. Julia put up one house each. The trouble with Park Place and Boardwalk is that they are the most expensive places on the board but people don't land on them that frequently. Once they do, for those not in sound financial condition it can mean bankruptcy.

  Rachel, keeping her departed brother's counsel, was out on her ass by the fifth pass at the board. She unwisely lent her two sisters money and they refused to pay it back when she needed it. With Rachel out of the game, Ruby and Rose's collective IQ resembled a good golf score. They'd hang on for another half hour or so, but they couldn't possibly keep up with Fannie, Ramelle, Celeste and Julia.

  Louise, horrified at the gossip about her sister's gambling with the elite of the town, snuck around the back of Celeste's property, only to discover a crowd. She also discovered Pearlie, content amid the rubbernecks. She edged up, hoping to be overlooked, which was not likely since she was dressed to stop traffic. Gold Diggers movies had gone to Louise's head. Her outfits were either out of date or outrageous. Louise never could find the middle road.

  "Louise, hi!" Ev Most ran over and pulled her into the throng.

  Julia glanced up, said hello, then got back to her concentration. Ruby was on the verge and she held the Pennsylvania Railroad. Julia didn't want Fannie to make a deal with her, but Fannie was slippery. She got the railroad.

  Rose divested herself of the utilities. Celeste bargained for them. Celeste, shrewd and clever in games, was building up middle-income properties. She was one lot away from controlling the red block and she finagled the light blues out of the defeated Rifes. Ramelle, never very competitive, knew she'd go down in less than an hour. Before her last gasp she'd have to buy out her debts by giving away her properties. She had Pacific, a green, and Julia wanted to get that lot away from her before Fannie took it in trade. If Fannie controlled the greens, the yellows and even piddling Baltic and Mediterranean, with those railroad lines, she could choke Julia out. The battle now raged in earnest.

  Each pass on the board, each tripping on a Chance card or a yellow Community Chest card, brought forth oohs and aahs from the crowd. Fannie landed in jail. That gave Julia a chance to deal a little with Ramelle. Ramelle gave her Pacific. Fannie nearly blew a fuse.

  Another hour of play found the three remaining women deadlocked. Celeste's luck landed her on Boardwalk and Julia had a hotel on it. That was a technical knockout. Celeste could hang on for another half hour, but she would never regain her former strength. Now it was Fannie versus Julia.

  Back and forth and back and forth the two fought. Those railroads did considerable damage to Julia. There was one on every side of the board. After a while it adds up. Neither Fannie nor Julia would trade properties they held to give the other an edge. Fannie collected two reds from Celeste, on her way out. However, Julia hustled for the remaining one. This split the block. But Fannie put hotels on the light blues and the yellows. The greens were split. Julia held the dark blues and the utilities. She put houses on the orange block and she had collected in payment of debts States Avenue, Virginia Avenue and St. Charles Place.

  Six o'clock and the two grimly battered one another. The crowd stayed with them. Fannie forgot to drink. Celeste gulped two glasses of champagne to soothe her loss. She was terrifically tense, because if Julia lost, Celeste would lose twice. Ramelle, also, was glued to the board.

  Chessy got so nervous he took a walk around Runnymede Square, accompanied by Pearlie, trying to calm him. Noe repeatedly wiped his brow with his immaculate white handkerchief.

  Fannie Jump landed twice in a row on Park Place. Turning the corner from her last shock, she ran into St. Charles Place with four houses on it. That severely rocked her. The end was in sight. By seven-thirty, Julia Ellen had cleaned everyone out.

  Fannie, a good sport, shook Julia's hand. Celeste almost fainted from relief. La Squandras wandered around making polite conversation, oblivious to the bundle they had dropped and ignorant of what that meant to everyone.

  Noe sprinted to Runnymede Square, where Chessy and Pearlie were pacing. "Chessy, Chessy, she did it! She did it!"

  "No." Chessy went white.

  "Yes!" Noe slapped him on the back.

  "I can't believe it." Chessy tore back to the garden, closely pursued by a jubilant Noe and Pearlie.

  "I won!" Julia jumped into his arms.

  Louise, stunned, collected herself and stood in line to congratulate her sister. The garden was bedlam. An impromptu party hit high gear. People were wild now that the tension was over.

  "Congratulations, Julia." Louise shook her hand.

  "Here's the indoor plumbing and a first-class bathroom and shower." Julia held the money out for her sister to look at.

  "How nice." Louise was both glad and pained.

  "Louise." Julia smirked.

  "What?"

  "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

  September 1, 1939

  For Spottiswood Chalfonte Bowman things came too easily, and that's a curse in itself. Her first film drew attention to her beauty; her acting suffered by comparison, but no one was comparing. In time she'd learn her trade. Curtis was pleased for her, though he would have been far happier if she'd chosen to become a doctor. Ramelle took it all in stride and hoped Spotty would keep a good head on her shoulders. Celeste fumed about how embarrassing it was to have an actor in the family. After all, in Restoration times such women sold oranges to the audience before graduating to the stage and dukes' bedrooms. She omitted how many times she'd chased after such sullied violets in her youth. Ramelle suspected Celeste's explosions on this fallen profession were an elaborate feint to get everyone's mind off Europe.

  Louise joined in exp
loding. She screeched because Mary, not yet fourteen, fluttered around Extra Billy Bitters. He was eighteen years old. Since Billy's birth had not been planned—four brothers and two sisters had preceded him—his name became Extra Billy. Violent, handsome, mildly stupid, he struck fear in the hearts of mothers all over Runnymede. Sober virtues rarely attract protected young ladies. Mary was lost to the nunnery; Louise felt it in her bones. Maizie, however, progressed as planned. Obedient, quiet and passive, Maizie showed great potential for an inspirational order. Even as Louise moaned over Mary, she carefully put down the groundwork to get Maizie, in good time, into a rich girls' convent as opposed to an ordinary one. If you're going to serve Christ, better to serve him with people of quality than with poor girls in simple habits. But Louise, too, sensed a sinister twist in the air.