How I Planned Your Wedding

by Susan Wiggs

  There’s still a small part of me that can’t believe I’m comparing my wedding to a tailgate party.

  Anyway, a week before our wedding, Dave and I went and picked up an obscene amount of beer and wine (okay, and a teensy bit of Jägermeister) for our friends. We contacted a couple of key people who could act as ringleaders after our ceremony and got them to store the booze in the bathtubs of their hotel rooms. (I wonder what the turn-down service people thought about that… Oh, who am I kidding? They probably thought it was awesome.) On our wedding day, while Dave and I were having our portraits taken and the less party-happy guests were having a serene cocktail hour at the reception venue, a troupe of our old classmates shotgunned, chugged and flip-cupped their way to a state of rowdiness that would have made the Animal House guys proud.

  Now, look: I’m not saying I was thrilled about filling bathtubs with alcohol to save money on our catering bill. But given my alternatives, I’m happy we went the route we did. And I can’t pretend I didn’t enjoy the lap dance my friend gave me to “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears toward the end of the night.

  The takeaway here, though, is that you should be aware of some of the, ahem, challenges your guests might bring with them—and find a way to deal with them that will enable you to relax and enjoy yourself at the reception. And don’t be shy about recruiting a couple of your more influential peeps to be the first lemmings to leap over the cliff you’ve designated for them.

  LESSON THREE: Stick to at least a few of the traditions. Many wedding activities, like throwing the bouquet, sound cheesy. And they are. But on your wedding day, you probably won’t think so—and you might just regret opting out of at least one moment of no-holds-barred wedding-themed fun. Here are some ideas:

  Shove cake in each other’s faces. The photos will be priceless.

  Go ahead—toss the bouquet. But make sure you enlist your bridesmaids ahead of time to act all excited in case the response from other ladies at your wedding is tepid. And to avoid making single people feel, well, singled out, you could do what I did and say that the bouquet toss is for ALL the ladies, single or not, and whoever catches it gets good luck.

  The garter toss? Hilarious. Especially if your groom takes it off with his teeth. We almost didn’t go through with it, but when I watch the video of it and see my friend Jabez wearing my garter around his forehead like a lacy Rambo, I’m so happy we did.

  Father-daughter dance. Or mother-son or mother-daughter or father-son…you get the picture. Share a dance with one of your elders. Someone who showed you the ropes. My dad and I both detest dancing, so I didn’t have a father-daughter dance…and wouldn’t you know it, it’s one of the things I’m a little sad about when I remember our wedding. He asked me to dance for the last twenty seconds of “Stairway to Heaven,” and we have a photo of it (Yvonne, our photographer, was, like, forty-seven places at once the whole time)…and I wish we’d had a more meaningful moment together.

  Dance the Hora. First, getting tossed around on a chair is like a ride at Six Flags. Second, watching gentiles attempt to figure out what they should be doing is comedic gold.

  Toasts. I spoke, I cried, my cousin spoke, I cried, my grandfather spoke and I REALLY cried (along with everyone else in the room)…then Dave’s mom spoke, I laughed, Dave’s big brother spoke, I chuckled, Dave’s little brother spoke, and I was practically on the floor with giggles. And then, the pièce de résistance: Dave toasted me. Me! It brought the whole room to tears (again). Here’s the transcript of his speech:

  Hi everyone,

  I have a few things I want to say. First, I want to thank everyone who helped put this weekend together. I want to pay particular tribute to the ladies at Good Taste. You are our saviors!

  Next, I want to say a special thanks to our wonderful friends, Molly and Jesse, who welcomed us into their home this summer and guided us through this process. We honestly could not ask for better friends.

  And I have to say thank you one more time to our parents. You have supported us, both now and over the many years as you raised us, to become the people we are today. We cannot thank you enough and we will love you now and forever.

  Before I let you all eat, drink and be merry, I want to propose a toast to my wonderful bride: [he started tearing up here, so you can imagine the chorus of sniffling that broke out to serenade the rest of his toast]

  She’s brilliant, she’s beautiful and I love EVERY little thing about her.

  You all know me as a smiley, laughy guy. Well, I owe SO much of that happiness to my wonderful Wiggs. She has a sense of silliness and fun that makes me smile from a hundred yards away.

  There are so many amazing things about her, but I want to single out one: her compassion. She’s always there for her friends and family and she is so quick to help those in need. When we were first together, it took me a while to adjust as she emptied her wallet to people on the street. It’s hard to build a budget around that. And I’m still shocked when we go grocery shopping and there’s almost nothing left for us by the time we get home because she’s given so much food away to people we pass on the street. But she’s taught me how to see the humanity in every single person I meet, from my taxi driver to the man holding out his hat on the corner by our building. There are so many ways she has influenced me, and I’m a better man today because she is in my life.

  And, finally, I have to say there’s no better feeling in life than waking up next to the woman of your dreams every morning. I’m so lucky I found her. And I can’t wait for a lifetime of laughter together. So cheers to my beautiful wife!

  Amazing, right? Well, I think it is, anyway.

  Ultimately, the reason my reception was such a hit for me was because I could look back on all the planning I’d done, on the life I’d built with Dave, on the life-changing moments I’d experienced along the way…and I was proud. Part of it was manners—I hadn’t poisoned the wedding water by being a brat. But most of it was managing to remind myself (or have my mother remind me) of the bigger picture, especially when things got tough.

  At the very end of the night, as I was belting along to Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” with my eyes closed, a group of about fifty people formed a long tunnel with their arms. I was so entranced by my sing-along that I didn’t even notice I was the only person dancing until Dave tapped me on my shoulder and told me to turn around. He grabbed my hand, ducked his head and together we ran through a tunnel full of the faces of our loved ones, cheering us on and pouring their best wishes out to us as we stepped into our life together as husband and wife.

  I may or may not have cried that it was over in the elevator on the way up to the honeymoon suite.

  But then I got, you know, distracted.

  And now my mother’s ears are bleeding from this very slight reference to my sex life, so I’ll leave it at that.

  * * *

  CHEAT SHEET

  ATTEMPTING TO CHOREOGRAPH AN INTERPRETIVE

  DANCE TO “I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU” INSTEAD OF

  FINISHING THIS CHAPTER? HERE’S YOUR CHEAT SHEET:

  Get your groom to toast you during the reception. It’s so sweet to see your guy up there, telling a roomful of people exactly what he loves about you.

  Plan out your etiquette in advance: pre-write thank-you cards and checks to your vendors, and make sure ahead of time that everyone who helped you will feel appreciated.

  If you can stand it, do at least one little wedding tradition. Sure, tossing the bouquet or having a cake fight is cheesy and clichéd, but on your wedding day it might just be freakin’ fun.

  * * *

  15

  OFF THE

  BEATEN PATH

  Wedding stuff that Emily Post never saw coming: divorced/tricky family situations, same-sex marriages, elopements, mixed-religious ceremonies, etc.

  ELIZABETH

  Every family has its own idiosyncrasies. In the end, you have to remain true to what you really want for yourself, deep down.

  Th
ere are warring families who make the Medicis seem like the Tanners on Full House. Some couples deal with different religious backgrounds, divorced parents or same-sex unions. Everyone’s going to have an opinion on what you do, but you’re the one who will have a lifetime of memories from the occasion, so trust yourself.

  Today, matrimony includes a multitude of styles, beliefs and loves. When I talk about “your” fiancé I’ve been referring to “him.” I’ll let my friend Julie take it from here, since she’s a little, ahem, more qualified than me to talk about marrying a foxy lady.

  WIGGS: Did your mother play a part in your wedding?

  JULIE: My mom passed away before any of my sisters or I could get married. During our ceremony, we took a moment to acknowledge all those who weren’t able to be there.

  WIGGS: What have you learned about the meaning of a wedding, both for you and your wife, and for your loved ones?

  JULIE: We had two weddings—one for our family and friends and one for us.

  When we were planning our ceremony, we knew that it wouldn’t “count” in any kind of legal way. So for us, it was about our community committing to us as a lifelong couple. Our vows were not only vows to each other, but vows that we’d be active in further bettering our community.

  This wedding felt real—as far as we knew. We still celebrate this day as our anniversary. As the weeks and months went by, we really began to realize that there was now something physical mandating our relationship to be permanent. This made me much more accountable for our relationship. We finally realized the weight of the marriage.

  WIGGS: What was unique about your wedding?

  JULIE: As one of our “big three must-haves,” we knew there needed to be a heavy dose of live music. We held the ceremony in a music hall that had the elements of both a rock club and a chapel. We were married on stage.

  Jen came down the aisle holding a candle with her parents by her side, I followed carrying a candle of my own and my father on my arm. It was dramatic and heartwrenching and SO us.

  The most important thing to us was to have a wedding that could not have been anyone else’s.

  WIGGS: Tell me your best wedding drama story. I KNOW you’ve got at least one. Please. You have to. Otherwise I’ll feel like a failure and my entire book will be totally lame.

  JULIE: Probably the most dramatic element of my wedding was trying to find a wedding dress. I must have tried on thirty gorgeous, white, fluffy, perfect wedding gowns. Every time, I would say, “Wow. This is beautiful, and I look great…and I feel ridiculous.” From the very beginning, I had my ideal wedding dress drawn on a scrap of paper. Black and white lace corset top with a piecey, kinda rock ’n’ roll skirt. Believe it or not, this dress does not exist. Just when I was ready to give up, I found it. Black lace halter top with a low back (to show off my tattoos) and an asymmetrical satin pickup skirt with a big black sash around the waist. It was classy and rock ’n’ roll all at the same time. I knew it would work well with the faux-hawk hairdo I had planned. Before I even zipped it up, I knew.

  WIGGS: What are the three pieces of advice you’d give a bride?

  JULIE:

  Choose the three things that are your priorities for your wedding. No one can have the perfect EVERYTHING. For us it was great music, great food and an environmentalist message.

  Delegate. If something isn’t going as planned, mention it to one of your helpers and then let her take care of it.

  Don’t let your marriage just be a self-congratulatory event. Figure out what your love was put on the earth to do. Know that your marriage needs to have a purpose (and not just to stave off loneliness).

  WIGGS: What resources did you find most valuable in planning your wedding? Were there any unique challenges that you and your wife faced as a same-sex couple?

  JULIE: My favorite guides were the books that had some kind of punk element to them. Anti-Bride Guide: Tying the Knot Outside of the Box was a particularly good find.

  We didn’t have any relatives who made a statement with their absence, or who sent nasty responses to our invitations. I bought the engagement rings outside of Dallas, and made a point of saying I was about to propose to my girlfriend—and they barely batted an eye.

  We even had one of the girls at David’s Bridal blush bright red when we told her we wanted to look at bridesmaid’s dresses for our wedding. At first we thought she couldn’t handle the idea—turns out she was about to propose to her girlfriend that night.

  Maybe your nontraditional situation isn’t being a same-sex couple.

  Maybe you and your betrothed belong to different religions. Aubrey had a rabbi and a priest stand at the altar as she got married, leading her and her fiancé through various religious traditions. I was a bridesmaid and I nearly fainted (literally, and had to get another bridesmaid to prop me up) from the emotion evoked by drawing from two different spiritual cultures.

  Maybe you have divorced and remarried parents, so your family has doubled in size. Susie’s stepfather became “Dad” while her biological father remained “Daddy.” Dad led her halfway down the aisle, where Daddy waited to escort her the rest of the way.

  Maybe you don’t want to have a traditional big, white wedding at all. Lindsey invited everyone to an “engagement” cocktail party. In the middle of the evening, she sneaked away and switched out of her navy blue dress and into a knee-length ivory gown and birdcage veil. Minutes later—to the delight of her guests—she appeared in the room on the arm of her father, walked to the middle of the crowd and was married to her fiancé.

  You know the one thing all these couples have in common? They all say their wedding was the happiest day of their lives, and they all ended up married to their soul mates.

  * * *

  CHEAT SHEET

  YOU MEANT TO READ THE CHAPTER, BUT THEN YOUR

  GRANDMA CALLED AND YOU REALIZED YOU STILL

  NEEDED TO TELL HER THAT YOUR WEDDING WAS

  GOING TO BE WICCAN? HERE’S YOUR CHEAT SHEET:

  A wedding is a wedding is a wedding. No matter what nontraditional elements you have, you’re still going to end up married at the end of it all—and that’s a beautiful thing.

  Don’t let yourself get pressured into having a certain type of wedding. Map out a day that reflects the values and truths you and your fiancé hold dear.

  Tell the nay-sayers to put a champagne cork in it. Politely.

  * * *

  16

  THE HONEYMOON

  And they lived happily ever after…

  ELIZABETH

  By the time Dave and I started thinking about our honeymoon, every red cent of our wedding budget was spoken for. And then some.

  Early on, we’d decided not to monkey with a huge, monthlong vacation halfway across the globe. We didn’t have a crystal ball, but we both knew we would be exhausted after our wedding, so we wanted to find a place to hole up and do a whole lotta nothing. Even if we’d had money left over, we wouldn’t have wanted to go somewhere that would call for all-day treks to the most important tourist landmarks. And since we were broke, well…the old two-person pup tent in my parents’ garage was starting to look like our only option.

  “At least we won’t have any wedding stuff to worry about,” Dave said gingerly.

  “Yeah…” I said, my skin already tingling with phantom itches in anticipation of the clouds of mosquitoes that tend to find me whenever I’m in the wilderness.

  I thought back wistfully to my mom’s suggestion, days into our engagement, that we honeymoon at the Château Frontenac in Quebec. Oh, well. We could have a lavish vacation some other time, when we hadn’t just spent twenty grand in one day.

  My mom’s maternal instincts must have kicked her in the gut over this, because the day Dave and I decided to go camping for our honeymoon, she called me and asked what we were planning to do in the two weeks before we had to return to Chicago and start classes at our respective grad schools.

  “Oh!” I said brightly, taking a fake-it-til
l-you-make-it approach to being excited about spending my first days of wedded bliss in a sleeping bag on the ground. “Well, I think we’re going to go camping! You know, get away from it all, lose ourselves in the middle of nowhere…”

  My mom’s silence on the other line was as thick as full-fat mayonnaise.

  “Yeah, and then someday we’ll do a big celebratory trip, like, when we have the energy and…stuff…?” My voice trailed off.

  “Well. That doesn’t sound very romantic.”

  In my fragile, I’m-trying-to-be-okay-with-not-having-a-nice-honeymoon-even-though-my-armpit-hair-is-already-startingto-get-furrier-in-retaliation-for-me-not-being-able-to-shave state, I got defensive. In a cantankerous tone, I lashed out at my mom.

  “It’s not exactly easy to have a romantic honeymoon when we don’t have any money to spend on it,” I snapped.

  I waited for my mom’s cranky reply, but instead, she said simply, “I’ll call you back. I have an idea.”

  SUSAN

  HOW THE HONEYMOON REALLY EVOLVED

  In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Elizabeth comes from a long line of manipulative yet goodhearted women. It seems to run in the family like a clockwise cowlick. My mother’s mother was famous for convincing everyone that the only recipe she could successfully produce involved canned fruit in heavy syrup, large-curd cottage cheese and a dollop of Cool Whip, thus escaping the need to cook for years. She had more important things to do, like teaching us to play pinochle, crocheting toilet-paper covers or painting elephants on greenware mugs.

  And my mother. Don’t get me started. In our family, “Clara Lou” is often used as a verb. As in, “I just got Clara-Loued into leading a game of charades at the family reunion.”