Black Sun Light My Way

by Spurrier, Jo

  He forced himself to sit up, his stiffened muscles aching in protest, while Mira settled on a cushion. ‘Delphine left a note on your bed to say where you were. Did you know that?’

  He didn’t. He should probably apologise for leaving them to worry, but he couldn’t muster the energy to speak. He’d missed his chance to lose himself to the cold — Delphine had spread word of the state he was in, and they would all be watching out for him.

  Mira wound her hands into a knot, watching him with a slow blink. She was still fuzzy-headed from Rhia’s sedative brew, he realised, and he envied her for it.

  ‘Isidro …’ Mira said. ‘I think I’m pregnant.’

  It was, he reflected, the last thing in the world he’d expected her to say.

  She looked down at her intertwined fingers. ‘My courses were due a few days ago, so it’s very early. Too early to be sure, Rhia says, and it could just be shock over all that’s happened. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until I knew for sure, but now … I can’t do this on my own, Issey. I need you.’

  Isidro rubbed the back of his aching head. ‘Why? You have your whole clan to help you, and all the Gods know I don’t have anything to offer.’

  Mira gave him a considered gaze, her lips pressed close together. ‘If I am with child, it’s definitely Cam’s. I haven’t had another man since the start of winter.’

  ‘I’m not suggesting —’

  ‘I know. But think about it, Isidro: a child of the Angessovar line, the next ruler of Ricalan born to the Wolf Clan. My kin have prayed for this for years. Every faction in the clan will be trying to control the babe — Fires Below, every clan in Ricalan will make a play for the next heir to the throne. Queen Valeria will lose her mind; she’ll set every soldier in the kingdom to hunt us out and kill the child. She’d set Kell and Rasten after us if she could. I’ve hoped for a child from Cam, but I thought he’d be at my side to help watch over the babe. If he’s gone, who else can I trust to look after this baby out of love, and not ambition? Who else will train him, her, to be strong, and not dependent on another’s counsel? You must see it, Issey … My child and I are your kin, and we need your help. We can’t do this alone.’ She took his good hand in hers and held it tight, her soft, delicate fingers cold and shaking.

  Isidro tried to speak, but he couldn’t find the words. ‘I … Mira, I can’t —’

  She turned to him with a spark of anger in her hazel eyes. ‘Do you think I’m lying to you?’

  ‘No! You wouldn’t, not about something like this. Mira, it’s just … I don’t know how I can do it.’

  ‘It’s going to be hard,’ Mira said. ‘It’s going to be awful and the pain will never go away. But if Cam dies, who’s going to tell this child about his father if not you? Who’s going to teach him how to think and fight and how to lead a kingdom? Who’s going to keep the babe safe? There’s no one I’d trust more than you. I need to know you’ll be there if something happens to me, Issey.’

  He couldn’t speak, could hardly breathe through the forces warring within him. There might be no shared blood between him and Cam, but Cam’s child would be as much Isidro’s kin as his own.

  Mira gripped his hand so tightly his knuckles ached. ‘Issey, you must promise me you won’t do yourself harm. If … if it turns out I’m not pregnant, or if the babe dies, I’ll release you from your vow, but if not, I’ll need someone I trust at my back. Isidro, please swear to me you’ll live.’

  ‘I …’ He gulped hard, and sent out a silent prayer: Twin Suns, give me strength. How could he do it? It seemed an impossible task when he was standing on an overhang that could crumble at any moment. But how could he refuse her? ‘… I promise.’

  Mira began to weep, and then there was nothing he could do but hold her close as they both gave in to their grief.

  Delphine brought him some food after Mira left, a generous chunk of bannock and a bowl of tea. When she came in he was pacing the small chamber, exhausted but unable to be still.

  Delphine gave him a wide-eyed look, and he had to acknowledge that it must seem strange, to have left him catatonic and return to find him full of restless energy.

  ‘How does Mira fare?’ she asked as she set the tray down

  His stride faltered, and Isidro paused to consider her and the question both. Mira had sworn him to secrecy. The Angessovars had spies in the Wolf Clan, and if Valeria learnt of the pregnancy she would do anything she could to end it. He still couldn’t contemplate living without Cam and knowing for the rest of his life that his brother had died for his sake, in a hopeless attempt to bring back the woman he loved. But Mira had a fair point, too — she and the babe would need someone they could trust, with no ambitions beyond keeping them both safe and well. That possibility gave him a way forward, the possibility of a future even as the last of his kin was snatched away. One tiny light flickering amid a storm of grief and loss … He wasn’t sure it would be enough. He needed help.

  ‘Delphi, will you keep a secret?’

  She bit her lip. ‘I … Would you trust me? After what I tried to do to all of you?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I? You put it right, with no harm done. Swear to me, Delphine, you can’t mention this to anyone.’

  ‘Very well then. By the Good Goddess and on my mother’s grave, I won’t speak of it without your leave. What’s wrong, Isidro, what did Mira say to put you in such a state?’

  ‘She’s pregnant with Cam’s child.’

  Delphine drew a sharp breath. ‘But … surely this is good news? If he lives, just think of the joy he’ll have on finding out. And if it comes to the worst, a part of him will live on.’

  Isidro shook his head and began to pace again.

  ‘Isidro, you of all people should know better than to give up when hope still remains.’

  ‘I can’t do it, Delphi. Do you remember what I was like when you took me in?’

  She put her hands on her hips. ‘How could I forget, especially now, seeing you in this state?’

  ‘I gave up. I wanted to die, just to get it over with. Now I’m in that same place, and I don’t know if I can find my way out again.’

  She stepped into his path and pressed her hands to his chest to stop his restless pacing. They were small, delicate hands, her fingertips stained with ink. ‘Would you please hold still? I can’t talk to you when you’re galloping around like some great gazelle. I’ll do anything I can to help you, Isidro, I promise. But you need to tell Sierra what’s happened. You need to give her a chance to help.’

  ‘I can’t reach her! I’ve tried. She’s still blocking me out.’

  ‘You have to keep trying. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t do everything you can.’

  He had to trust her. He couldn’t trust his own mind right now, while despair was the loudest voice in his head. Delphine had found a way once to make him go on when he wanted to give up — he had to have faith that she could do it again.

  She was so close that he could feel the warmth radiating from her skin, and sense the power coursing through her. Her eyes were bright and full of fire, more than he’d seen in her since she roused him from his furs to explore the cavern. She relished a challenge — having something to work and strive for.

  He was jealous of that spark, the light burning within her. If he could capture a little of that energy, perhaps the task ahead of him wouldn’t seem so insurmountable. He craved what she had, the force and the heat.

  Isidro cupped a hand around the back of her head, burying his fingers in her stiff, dense curls. Delphine’s eyes widened, her lips parting at his touch.

  He wasn’t sure what he was doing … No, that was wrong, he knew exactly what he was doing, he just wasn’t sure if he should. Her warmth, her power, and the scent of her dark skin were a refuge from the pain and grief, a touch of light that warded off the chill of death.

  Delphine took his face in her hands and pulled him down to meet her lips.

  He bore her over to the bed, shaking with desperatio
n and need. His hand was so clumsy on her shirt-ties that she grabbed the hem of the garment and pulled it over her head, and then did the same with his. When her hands roved over his back with demanding caresses, it seemed she didn’t even notice the scars that rippled across his skin. She covered his face with kisses, and he could bear it no longer. He buried himself within her and let her warmth consume him.

  For some time afterwards, they lay entwined on the rumpled furs while sweat dried on their bare skin. Isidro closed his eyes and dozed, his mind quiet for the time being. Was this the same force that had driven Sierra into his arms all those months ago? An overwhelming need to escape the anxiety and dread of a future that held only pain? It was strange to think he’d come to understand her better now that she was gone.

  Delphine stirred beside him, pointing her toes as she stretched out her long brown-skinned legs. ‘We never did have that tea,’ she said. ‘I’ll bring it over.’

  She pulled on a shirt before fetching the tray, the undyed wool creamy and soft against her dark skin. The kettle had cooled, and she warmed it with a touch before pouring steaming water into the bowls. When she handed him one he ducked his head in a nod of thanks. ‘Delphine, I —’

  She caught his gaze and held it. ‘Hush. You needn’t say a thing. I’m not some green girl who doesn’t know how these things work. I know, now, that your ties here cannot be broken, and I know your heart still belongs to that poor girl. I’ll stay here and help you for as long as I can, and if this is part of the help you need, well, that suits me just fine.’

  ‘I don’t want to use you, Delphine.’

  ‘Then don’t. But we both know this is a temporary matter. You must have known I’ve wanted you for months — why else would you have looked at me that way? And why shouldn’t I have a little of what I want, as long as it suits us both?’ She reached over to brush a strand of too-long hair back from his forehead, and Isidro closed his eyes at the cool touch of her hand.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said.

  They kept it secret to begin with, for no other reason than it being no one’s business but theirs. Rhia had been the first to realise what was going on, but she, too, kept the matter to herself.

  Delphine became his care-taker. As the days crawled past, she distracted him with books, piling up problems and theories around him to build a mental wall against the anxiety and grief that came in crushing waves. She put food in front of him when he was well absorbed, knowing he couldn’t bear to eat otherwise, and she brought him sleeping-draughts when the nightmares would not let him rest. And when all other efforts failed, she took him to her bed, and helped him escape the agony of apprehension by losing himself in her dark, soft skin and her sweet-smelling hair. It was a brief respite, but he was grateful for it all the same. Without her, he could not have endured the fear and the dread that rose up to swallow him if he so much as thought his brother’s name.

  And now, three days later, Mira stalked across the little chamber, hands on her hips and her cheeks flushed pink. One of her serving-women, coming to bring Isidro a message, had interrupted him and Delphine in their furs and run at once to tell of what she’d seen.

  ‘I don’t know why you’re angry, Mira,’ Isidro said, slumped on a bench.

  ‘I’m not angry!’ she snapped. ‘I’m … disappointed. Oh, by the Fires Below, I don’t know what I feel. Why her, of all people?’

  Isidro rubbed a hand across his face. ‘I’m trying to do as you asked. Please don’t quibble over how I do it.’

  Mira stopped her pacing to glare at him. ‘She could destroy us.’

  ‘She’s been free since Sierra left, and she’s done nothing to endanger us.’

  ‘And how do you know she’s not biding her time? She’s a cunning one.’

  ‘What would you have us do? Send her back? She’s been here unfettered for too long. They’ll call her a traitor, and the friends she has left don’t have the power to protect her. I won’t have her sent back to face a charge of treason.’

  ‘She nearly ruined us,’ Mira said. ‘Why do you trust her?’

  ‘She saved my life,’ Isidro said. ‘More than once. By the Black Sun, Mira, she’s keeping me sane. Why do you want her gone?’

  ‘Because she has no ties here! No anchors, nothing to fight for or defend. If something else goes wrong, she can just up and leave us, and I’ve had quite enough of that sort of thing.’ Mira sighed, her shoulders drooping, and with a shake of her head she changed the subject. ‘Have you been able to reach Sierra at all?’

  ‘No,’ Isidro said. ‘I still can’t get through. She’s walling me out.’

  ‘You have to keep trying!’

  ‘I am,’ he said. ‘I will.’

  ‘It’s our only hope, Issey.’

  ‘I know, Mira. I know.’

  As raised voices echoed down the hallway, Rhia closed the door, reducing the noise to a murmur. ‘Do you intend to stay?’ she asked, taking the seat across from Delphine.

  ‘Here in Ricalan? I don’t see how I could, and I know I’m not welcome. I’ll have to go back, probably sooner than later.’

  ‘How do you think Isidro will fare without you?’

  Delphine bit her lip. That was the real problem, wasn’t it? She couldn’t spend her life responsible for another person’s stability and sanity. ‘I wouldn’t go while you’re in the midst of this crisis, that would be cruel. He’s fighting to hold himself together. I believe he’ll pull through, so long as he has a reason to.’

  Rhia steepled her fingers over the steaming bowl of tea. ‘It’s too early to tell if Mira is truly with child. The distress of all that’s happened could have delayed her courses. We agreed he should be told to give him hope, but if she isn’t pregnant, we can’t lie to him about it.’

  ‘Heavens, no,’ Delphine said. ‘Are you saying we need a back-up plan?’

  ‘I think it would be wise.’

  Delphine sat back to think it over. ‘I think bringing mage-craft back is Ricalan’s best chance of surviving intact, instead of merely being a province of one nation after another. Perhaps that would give him a goal to focus on.’

  ‘It’s worth a try,’ Rhia said, but then she leant forward to catch Delphine’s eye. ‘But what are your plans, Delphine?’

  Delphine laid her fingertips on the packet of herbs Rhia had prepared for her. ‘I’ve been thinking about that. You’re as close-knit as any family, all watching over each other down here. Well, that’s what I want. I’m tired of being alone. Even if I’m exiled to some distant province, I’d like to have a child, or maybe find some orphans in need of a home.’ She smiled to herself. ‘Perhaps Harwin will marry me and make us both respectable. He’d have less trouble as a married man with a piece on the side than he does at the moment.’ She tapped the herbs again. ‘That said, it would be a disaster to conceive now — I’d hate to think what the courts would do if I returned with a belly full of barbarian child — and the last thing Isidro needs is another defenceless soul to worry about.’

  ‘You must take them every day if you are not to fall pregnant.’

  ‘I understand,’ Delphine said. ‘Thank you, Rhia, I appreciate it.’

  Chapter 11

  As the water on the stove came to the boil, Rasten hauled himself up to tip the blood-streaked needles into the pot. When the muscles in his back spasmed with the movement, he clamped his jaw shut against a grunt of pain, but still he felt his master’s gaze pressing hard upon him.

  The strained and twanging muscles were Sierra’s doing, together with the other, deeper pains that were only just beginning to ease. The day before, when Rasten had brought her to the work-room, Kell had ordered him into the stocks in her place and given Sierra a taste of how it felt to be the one standing over the helpless prisoner, to wield the pain and punishment instead of being the bearer of it.

  He didn’t blame her for it. He couldn’t. He remembered all too well what it had felt like the first time he had a pale and trembling prisoner at his feet, and how
desperately he’d grown to crave those rare moments of reprieve. Though it was a cursed lot longer than three weeks before I was granted that privilege.

  As an excuse to keep from looking his master’s way, Rasten opened the stove door and threw more charcoal onto the fire. ‘We’re nearly out of fuel, sir.’

  Kell turned his attention back to the milk-white stones, working on enchantments while still fully charged with power taken from Sierra. It would likely be some time before she saw a repeat of yesterday’s respite. Barely half an hour had passed since Rasten had taken her down from the rack and carried her back to the cell they shared. She hadn’t even flinched as he’d washed the wounds left by the needles. She was too exhausted and too numb after the long hours in the work-room; not just today, but every day in the weeks since they’d reached the fort.

  ‘You’ll have to fetch some more once we’re done for the evening,’ Kell said. ‘If you hadn’t killed the wretched servant, you wouldn’t have to take on his chores as well as your own.’

  Rasten smiled to himself, remembering the sudden heat of the old man’s blood spraying over his hands. In his absence, Kell had taken a new servant to tend his quarters, and once Rasten had seen Sierra chained and secured on that first night, the stooped old man with no tongue and one yellowed eye had led Rasten to his master’s quarters and pursed his cracked, scabbed lips in imitation of a kiss as he ushered the apprentice inside. Rasten had made up his mind then and there to kill him. He’d cradled that thought close to his heart in the hours that followed, as Kell reminded him yet again just what it meant to serve. Down here, you learned to take comfort where you could find it. It was a lesson Sierra was beginning to grasp, Rasten thought.

  He was about to sit down again when there came a ringing clatter from the bell-pull outside. Kell tossed his stone aside and snatched up his cane. ‘Well, finally. I was beginning to think we’d be waiting all night.’

  ‘Sir?’ Rasten said, suddenly apprehensive. He had learnt long ago to be wary of any surprise his master arranged.