Gina asked me another question. I didn’t even hear what it was, all I heard was Juliette’s name.
I spun around. “Stop asking about her. She’s gone, Gina, and she’s not coming back.”
Gina’s big eyes grew even bigger in shock.
I heard my mother’s voice sharp with anger behind me. “Don’t yell at your sister like that.”
Shame was a toxic sludge in my veins, filling me so thoroughly I thought I might puke. I hated myself for taking my anger out on my sister, I hated the way things had ended between me and Juliette, and I hated that Juliette had called me out on being a wuss.
Worse than all of that, I hated that she’d been right.
But the shame twisted with hurt and anger and a whole slew of emotions I’d been shoving down for years now.
Gina’s lower lip was wobbling and I swallowed down my anger long enough to make things right. I crouched down so I was at eye level. “I’m sorry, Gina. I didn’t mean to yell.”
She nodded, wrapping her arms around my neck. Her voice was ridiculously sweet in my ear. “I’m sorry she’s not coming back.”
I nodded and squeezed her tighter. “Me too.”
That was putting it mildly. But now I had guilt on top of it all. Guilt that I’d let Gina grow attached to Juliette. I hadn’t thought about how she might get hurt too when Juliette left, which she would inevitably do.
I froze once again, this time with my baby sister cuddled up in my arms. My legs ached from this awkward crouching position but my mind was too busy latching on to that last thought, twisting it around and analyzing it.
When Juliette left…
The thought had popped up, unbidden and unfiltered by logic and reason. It had come from somewhere deep inside me, buried in my subconscious or maybe in that lizard part of my brain—the one that only knew how to respond through flight or fight.
Finally Gina ended our hug by wiggling out of my arms. I stood up straight and let her go, hearing her footsteps as she ran out of the room, leaving my mom and I alone.
The silence was weird for me and my mom but I honestly didn’t care. I was too caught up in my own thoughts. I’d known that Juliette was right about me being a coward. I hadn’t tried to deny it because there’d been nothing to deny.
She’d been right. I just hadn’t realized how right she’d been. I’d been telling myself that I was protecting us both from me leaving, and I was. That was definitely a big part of what was holding me back.
But it wasn’t until I’d blurted out the truth to Gina that I saw the full picture. It was like all this time—for years now—I’d only been seeing half of the bigger picture. I’d been so focused on protecting myself and Gina from the pain that came with leaving, I hadn’t even realized that what really scared the crap out of me was the thought of being left behind.
And Juliette would leave me. Or she might. At some point she’d realize that I wasn’t enough for her, that I didn’t fit into her world. She’d see that she deserved someone who wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. Who didn’t spend his life so focused on the next goodbye that he never learned to say hello.
When my mom finally spoke she was standing directly behind me. The anger had melted from her voice. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shrugged, turning slowly to face her. “I like Juliette.”
Her lips twitched up slightly. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
I frowned at her. She was hardly ever around, how did she know—
“Gina has been talking my ear off about your beautiful, amazing, talented, perfect girlfriend.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at my mom’s imitation of my sister’s breathless excitement. Only a kid could get that excited over her brother’s girlfriend.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I said.
My mom studied me for a long moment. Then she cracked a smile that looked so much like Gina’s it stunned me for a second. “But all the rest of it is true?” she teased. She ticked off Gina’s list of adjectives. “She’s beautiful and amazing and talented?”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Yeah, she’s all those things.” And more. But now was not the time to gush to my mom about Juliette, not when I was trying to sort through a million thoughts all at once.
She arched her brows in surprise at my candid response. I guess she’d expected me to deny that I liked a girl so much. “Sounds like Gina’s right,” she said. “Juliette sounds perfect.”
I nodded. “She is.” Not perfect like everyone else thought. Not the way I used to think. Her life wasn’t perfect. No one’s was. She had her struggles, but she faced them. She had her pride, and maybe sometimes that got in her way, but when push came to shove, she overcame that too.
Because she was brave. Maybe the bravest person I knew. I guess it went without saying that she was a million times braver than me.
You might be a tough guy, but you’re not brave.
I winced as the truth of her words hit me all over again.
My mom’s smile fell. “Are you okay, hon?”
“Yeah.” Then I stopped. “No.”
She stared at me for a long second. I don’t think either of us could remember the last time I’d come to her with a problem. At some point over the last few years I’d become more of a partner in the house. I helped take care of Gina, I listened to my mom’s problems, with men and at work.
I’d stopped being the kid a long time ago, which meant I’d stopped running to mommy every time there was a problem. But right now, I couldn’t lie. Not anymore. Not to her and not to myself.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I stared at her. Where to start? “I like Juliette.”
My mom nodded, clearly waiting for me to continue. Maybe she didn’t realize that was the problem. I liked Juliette. I more than liked her, but I wasn’t sure how much I was ready to admit to my mother.
“So, what’s the problem?” she asked.
Seriously? What was the problem? She of all people should know. I leaned against the counter. “So,” I said slowly. “It’s not like our family is especially lucky in this department.”
She winced but she looked more amused than hurt.
I didn’t want to hurt her but I also needed to sort through this and no one outside of this house could understand where I’d come from and what I feared as well as my mother. “You’re afraid you’re going to make my mistakes,” she said.
I nodded.
She started to laugh. Now that I had not expected. I stiffened a bit, worried that she was losing it or something.
“Oh, honey, I can tell you right now that’s not going to happen.”
I arched my brows in surprise. “How do you know that?”
She came over to me and took my hands. “You know that when I met your dad, I was young. I didn’t know what love was. And honestly it took me a lot of trial and error to figure it out.”
Her smile was full of laughter. “I’m the first to admit that I fell too quickly. I wanted to be in love so badly that I convinced myself I’d found the real deal even when I hadn’t.” She cupped my face in her hands. “Like it or not, my mistakes have made you wary. The last thing you’re going to do is will yourself into love.”
I let out a short laugh of disbelief. The fact that anyone could want to lose all control like this, that someone would willingly enter into this state of confusion and chaos and—
Oh hell, this was love and I was in it, whether I wanted to be or not.
I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t know it before. But I hadn’t wanted to know it. I’d been denying it to myself, telling myself I was just overreacting, reading more into lust than was there. I’d even managed to convince myself that I was more like my mom than I’d ever wanted to admit.
But now it was so obvious. This wasn’t some trick of the mind. What I felt around Juliette wasn’t some delusional daydream or a tepid reaction to a girl who intrigued me.
It was love. Pure, undiluted, unfiltered lov
e. I wanted to be with her in every way fathomable. I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on during her bad days and the first person she ran to with good news. I wanted to be the one who helped her with her homework and, hell, I even wanted to be the guy cheering her on from the sidelines when she won her games.
Yeah, that’s right. I wanted to go to freakin’ Briarwood High sporting events for this girl. That made it seem real in a way every other realization had not. I’d never been to any sporting events outside of Gina’s. It probably went without saying that I wasn’t exactly a joiner. Never had been and I’d thought never would be.
But that was before I fell in love.
I groaned and dropped my head into my hands, trying not to notice the fact that my mother was openly laughing at me as she grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my eyes, forcing me to look at her.
“Connor, what are you so afraid of?”
What wasn’t I afraid of? That was the better question. I shrugged as I took a deep breath. “I don’t know, that I’ll hurt her? That we’ll leave and I’ll have to say goodbye? That she’ll realize she can do better and break up with me? That she’ll leave me? That I’ll hurt her without even meaning to, or that—”
“I get it.” My mom’s smile was gentle as she squeezed my hands. “Trust me, I get it. Most teenagers don’t worry about this stuff. They haven’t seen the way love can hurt the way you have, and for that I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” I said, ready to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault I was messed up. And it wasn’t. She was human and she made mistakes just like everyone else. I didn’t blame her just like I didn’t blame my dad for leaving because he couldn’t handle it. Us. He couldn’t handle us.
Whatever, I didn’t blame him. I just didn’t want to be him. And I didn’t have to talk to a therapist to see that his leaving had affected me more than I’d let myself admit. Because when push came to shove, the terror that had held me back from reaching out to Juliette and holding her tight had been the fear that she would leave me. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. But one day.
That fear wouldn’t just go away. And the fear that I might hurt her or do something to mess things up? That wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon either.
But that didn’t mean I had to let it control me. I didn’t have to be the cowardly wuss. I didn’t have to run before I even got in the game.
My dad was a coward for leaving, but I didn’t have to be. I was still young. I still had chances ahead of me and I didn’t have to make his mistakes. I didn’t have to fall in love too easily like my mom, either. I didn’t have to run like they both had.
I could change the pattern. I could show Gina what it was like to be cautious but bold. To try your best to protect the people you love but do it without living in fear.
Hell, I could be brave. For Juliette, I could be brave. She deserved nothing less.
“So what do I do?” It was an unfair question since my mom didn’t know the whole story, but she still managed to come up with some great advice.
She planted her hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes. “You get your head out of your ass and you go get your girl.”
I stared at her in shock for a moment. My mom was so not the type to say stuff like ‘get your head out of your ass.’ It took a moment to compute. But once the words registered, I moved into action.
She was right. Now was not the time for angsting and moaning. It was a time for action. If I waited any longer I stood a chance of freezing in the face of fear again and I couldn’t let that happen.
Time was ticking. I’d already rejected Juliette too many times; there was every reason to believe she wouldn’t give me another chance. I’d hurt her. I knew that. I had to live with that.
But that was no excuse not to try.
No one is perfect, Connor, and no one expects you to be. But that doesn’t mean you get to stop trying.
Her voice echoed in my skull. She was right. If I gave up on us now I’d be giving up before we even began. I’d be forfeiting the game before the whistle was blown.
No. We deserved more than that. Juliette deserved so much more. And I planned to be the kind of guy she deserved…if only she would give me a second chance to start over.
My mom’s voice was filled with laughter as she called out after me. “Don’t be home too late.” And then just as I was heading out the door, “Don’t do anything I would do!”
Too late for that. My mom had a habit of falling hard and falling fast. I didn’t plan to fall often, but the hard and fast part?
Her warning was too little too late.
Chapter Thirteen
Juliette
There were few places I’d prefer to be less than here. At Briarwood High at nighttime and surrounded by a bunch of happy jocks.
I mean, I typically was a happy jock. The happiest of the happy. But that was before I’d gone and fallen head over heels for a grumpy, scaredy-cat loner with tattoos.
Of all the people to fall for, I had to go and fall for the one who wanted nothing to do with dating or relationships.
Way to go, Juliette.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the rest of my life was looking bleak. I wasn’t typically melodramatic but looking around at all the smiling faces of my teammates and the guys’ basketball team and some of their friends, who were here to help us out with the festival preparations—it put my own misery in sharp contrast.
I had to snap out of it. I had to focus on me—on finding a new tutor, on keeping my grades up now that I’d pulled myself away from the edge of complete and total failure. I had to focus on myself and my team.
My team, which even now was trying to cheer me up as we set up decorations in the school’s gymnasium to get ready for tomorrow’s dance.
“Hey, Jules,” Matthew called out.
Ugh. I so didn’t want to talk to anyone, least of all someone who wasn’t truly a friend. I’d have to pretend to be happy about being here, which just felt way too hard.
I forced a smile as he and some of his friends headed in my direction. It was only then that I realized I’d never once seen Matthew without his friends. Not ever. Did the guy have to do everything in a herd?
Did I, for that matter? I looked around at my team. That was different. We had a common goal, a united mission. But I’d like to think I could cross a room without them backing me up like we were some sort of uniformed gang.
As if they could read my thoughts, a few of my friends from the team came to my side as Matthew and his friends approached. I’m sure they were doing it out of support. They all knew how fragile I was tonight. But in the end I’m pretty sure we looked like two completely non-intimidating gangs facing off. I had a sudden image of us all bursting into dance like the sharks and the jets in West Side Story and the image made me laugh…sort of. At least, it helped my smile feel somewhat more genuine.
Honestly it was kind of hard to laugh when your heart was shattered.
“Hi Matthew,” I said when he and his friends drew near.
We made awkward chit chat for a while as all of our friends hovered around us. Finally, Matthew got to the point. “So,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Are you going to this thing tomorrow night?”
I stared at him blankly. This thing, presumably, was the dance which I was currently helping to set up. Of course I was going. I had to be there. “Yup.”
“Cool, cool.” He nodded a couple times and then he gave me a smile that made me feel ill. It was suggestive and intimate. Sexy, probably, from the point of view of anyone else. “Do you want to go with me?”
Ugh. I so did not want to deal with this right now. It was a struggle to keep a smile in place and even harder not to speak the truth. No. Just no. I had no desire to go on a date with anyone.
Well, anyone other than Connor. But since he’d taken himself out of the running, I was fairly certain I would be single for the rest of my life. Until college, at the very least. And that was j
ust fine by me.
But to just say no would be rude so I made my smile apologetic. “Sorry, but I’m not really dating right now.”
The sudden and complete silence around us was deafening. Clearly no one had expected me to say no.
Certainly not Matthew. That intimate smile turned cold. “That’s not what I heard.”
I blinked in shock at his sudden coldness. “Excuse me?”
I seriously thought I’d heard him wrong but now he gave his friends a smug look that made me want to puke. When he turned back to me his smile was twisted. Not at all nice, and definitely not intimate.
“I never asked you out before because we all knew you didn’t date.” He shrugged. “Word was you were a prude or whatever.”
Had I just been bitch-slapped? Because that’s what it felt like. Either I’d just been smacked across the face or someone had dumped cold water over my head. “I’m a prude because I don’t date.”
I found myself restating what he’d said because it was just so ludicrous. I didn’t care if people thought I was a prude but the fact that they’d been talking about me, that I’d had some sort of reputation without even knowing it, the whole thing threw me off guard. We’d all been hanging out for so many years, I’d thought he and his friends hadn’t asked me out because we were friends, not because “word was I was a prude…or whatever.”
Matthew looked like a stranger at the moment. I mean, I’d never felt particularly close to him. He was just someone I’d spent a good amount of time around. We shared proximity more than history. Still, I guess I’d assumed because he was always so nice to me that he was a nice guy.
You might be tough but you’re not brave. My own words came back to me and made me wince. Maybe I’d been right, but I’d been out of line. Still, now I had a new distinction to add to the list.
Matthew might be nice but he wasn’t kind.
I shook my head slightly. I just needed this conversation to end. I was tired of being whispered about. Being the subject of gossip sucked. I didn’t do drama, which was one of the many reasons I’d never gotten involved with guys—not until the Connor fiasco, of course.
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