Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  My family has been coming here since I was little and they know us well. I can tell by the waiter’s smile as he comes to the table that he knows he’s getting a ludicrous tip.

  “So are you gonna order for me and everything? I’ve seen them do that in movies.”

  I nod. “If that’s okay with you. Do you want a drink?”

  “I don’t got an I.D.”

  “Non-alcoholic.” I smile.

  “Oh. Sure. Whatever you get.”

  I order us two virgin Pina Coladas, and enjoy the smile that spreads over her face when the frothy white drinks are delivered. “Enjoy.”

  “Now this, I can tell this will be effing delicious.” She yanks the paper off the tip of the straw and sucks loudly on the drink, then sits back with a loud, satisfied sigh that makes me feel warm inside.

  I sip my drink and Ally watches me while vacuuming hers up as fast as she can. She stares intently, like she’s trying to race me, but I simply put my drink aside to study the menu. She finishes the drink and sits back with a groan and a hand to her head.

  “Head freeze.”

  “No kidding.” I smirk, but wave to the waiter for another while she’s busy pounding on her head with her hand.

  “Just really freakin’ good. Do you have those a lot?”

  “I guess not. They’re pretty sweet.”

  “I wonder if I can buy another one, for myself.” She opens the menu, presumably to check prices. I grab it away.

  “I’m ordering remember?” I say, as the waiter sets another drink in front of her. Her eyes widen, but she pulls off the paper and drinks again, this time slower.

  After a moment she pushes the drink to the side. “That’s good. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” I’ve already ordered and handed the menus back to the waiter. She rests her head on her arms and looks up at me inquisitively.

  “So with all of this, why didn’t the girls just fall all over you?”

  “Maybe they didn’t know about any of this.”

  “You should have told them. Anyone would be lucky to have dated you.” She says it in a quiet voice, and I don’t know what to make of her tone.

  “I don’t want them to like me for that.” I don’t want her to like me for that either. Yeah, I like to take care of a girl, and I’ll use money along with anything else to put a smile on her face, but I don’t want them to want me just because I can. I want them to just want me.

  Then again, Ally doesn’t really want me at all. Except as a friend. I’m sure that even as she’s eating lobster with me she’ll be assuring herself it doesn’t mean anything, that she’s just helping me get other girls. So I can be normal and get nookie and such. I sigh and mess with my straw.

  “Something wrong?” She touches my hand with hers, then flushes and pulls back, looking away. “You sighed. I thought we talked about that not being badass.”

  “I thought we gave up on me being badass.”

  “Oh right, because you don’t actually like badass chicks.”

  “I like one,” I say, looking up into her gray eyes.

  “Oh.” She pulls her hand all the way back and sits up. She leans against the back of her chair and slumps down and stares out the window. When our food comes, she picks up her fork, but then puts it down again and pushes the plate away.

  “Listen, Ryan. I know what you’re into. I know what you want, but I told you before and I’ll stand by it, you’re barking up the wrong tree. ‘Cause I know what I want too, and I don’t want that again.”

  “Want what?”

  “Marriage. Commitment.” She waves her hand. “All of it. I just want to be young and free. And I like nookie.” She glares up at me like she’s expecting me to challenge her on it. I don’t.

  “Anyway, I’m liking hanging out with you. I like your place and your folks, and the food, and hell, I just kind of like you. A bit. But I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not going there.”

  “There?”

  “You know.” She waves her hand again, bigger this time. “All of that.”

  “Just what do you think I want?”

  She frowns and pulls her plate closer. Eyes it and then sniffs it. “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s the same as what I want.”

  “I think you’re right,” I say after a long pause. I don’t want to admit it, because it’s like saying it out loud will make it more true. “But I’m still having fun with you right now. Isn’t that okay?”

  “Is that enough for you?” she asks, poking her lobster with her fork. The tail is fluffed up on the shell, and the warmed butter next to it will soon solidify if we don’t hurry.

  “Yes.” It’s not really, but I want her to eat her lobster. Plus, I don’t know what to say when enough isn’t enough, but it’s all you can get.

  When saying you want more will get you nothing. In that way, I guess anything is more enough than nothing.

  She takes a bite of the lobster and sighs in contentment. I lean back in my chair and enjoy watching her.

  It’s enough. It has to be.

  ***

  “Lobster is amazing,” I say, hoping to put the smile back on his face. He hasn’t seemed happy since our little conversation. “It’s like eating a cloud.”

  “Yeah?” He opens the door for me to his car, and I’m happy enough about the food that I let him.

  “Yeah. It’s like a steak, but like a cloud. A cloud steak. I thought steak was the best food, but I think cloud steak is better.”

  He smiles, genuinely this time, and goes to get in on his side. He starts up the car and it purrs. The leather seats are smooth as silk beneath me and his car still has new car smell even though it’s probably ten years old.

  I run my hand over the dash, marveling at how different it is from the LeBaron. Doesn’t have as much character as Big Blue though. I win at character.

  He pulls up to the parking lot where Big Blue is parked and waits in silence. I don’t open the door yet. Even though he isn’t speaking, it seems like there’s something he needs to say. I wouldn’t call myself a patient person, but for some reason I give him more time than others.

  “Why not?” He stares forward, gripping the wheel with those long, hot hands and fingers.

  “Why not what?” I ask, though I think I already know where this is going. I want to avoid it, and maybe if I force him to spell it out, he’ll back off.

  “Why not us?” His deep voice sounds troubled. I’m beginning to wonder if befriending him was a mistake. I mean, sure I’ve been attracted to the dude since I first met him last year.

  And I enjoyed flirting with him, teasing him, and thinking about him. But shiz got real when he kissed me this season and I should have realized we probably couldn’t be just friends.

  “Your hair.”

  “My hair?”

  “Yeah. I don’t do long hair, it’s girly.”

  He sighs. “Is that all? If I cut it, would you want me?”

  I sigh and slump against the door. “Probably not. You aren’t my type.”

  “Not badass?”

  “It’s not that. It’s just, you’re too nice for me.”

  He proves my point by studying me with gorgeous, concerned green eyes. Eyes that can look that soft have no place in my life or my bedroom. Everything in my life has been hard. I’d probably crush something soft.

  “Too nice? Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “Not always,” I say. “Sometimes nice is just misleading. I’d prefer someone who is just bad from the start. No disappointments.”

  He rubs his forehead with both hands. “What if they aren’t bad at all?”

  “Then they are probably too good for me.”

  “I doubt it,” he mutters. “I think you’re wrong.”

  “Well guess what, you don’t get to say I’m wrong. It’s my feelings and my feelings are just as valid as yours. Especially about myself. More valid, even.”

  I open his car door but he stops me with a hand on my shoulder.
I shrug him off and get out of the car. He also gets out, and I can hear his footsteps following me over to Big Blue.

  I lean on my door and fold my arms. He’s followed me long enough. We’ll settle this here.

  “I don’t get it. You’re happy with me.” He folds his arms and glares down at me. His hair is back in a ponytail and his face looks sharper. His nose is long and masculine above full lips, but his eyes are really the stars of his face. Almond shaped with long brown lashes. They’re narrowed at me now, making his eyes a deeper green, almost a forest green.

  I’ve been told my eyes are like mirrors, if so, his right now are like a forest.

  Unending and protected and natural and slightly scary.

  “You’re happy with me,” he says again, studying my face.

  “I know. That makes you all wrong for me. I don’t do happy.” I try to turn to my door and he cages me off.

  “What’s wrong with happy? Isn’t that the point of life?”

  “I missed that memo.”

  “But aren’t you happy here? At work? That’s why you do it?”

  “I don’t know what world you live in, but I do it for money. I do it to pay rent. I do it so I have a roof over my head. Because I’ve been without one before. Not that you would know anything about that, born with a silver spoon in your mouth.”

  He’s silent, and his eyes close, then open with sadness that I know is caused by my words.

  “I’m sorry, that was rude,” I murmur.

  “It’s not that. It’s just, you didn’t have a home?”

  “No, I didn’t. My mistake though. Don’t depend on anyone else, and you can’t be let down. Now I pay for my own house. I’ll never be out in the cold ever again.”

  He frowns, trying to process it. “I don’t—”

  I wave my hand. “I don’t want a pity party. I know how to take care of myself now, and I’m not going to just sink into things with someone like you and wait for you to kick me into the dark again.”

  “Ally, I wouldn’t—”

  “It’s like that story about that Icarus kid. That makes a lot of sense to me now. Don’t go too close to the sun. Don’t be too happy. You’ll just get burned.”

  He remains silent, and I know there’s a lot going on behind his pensive expression but I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure I want to.

  “It’s the sun that burns. It’s the happiness that hurts. It’s better to just stay in the dark. Get used to it there. It’s safer there. Go too far into the sun and you’ll just be blind when you go back to the darkness.”

  “Why do you have to go back to the darkness?” he asks softly.

  “Because I always do, that’s why! Because I’ve never had anything good that didn’t end up twice as bad in the end. So I’m satisfied with this. Satisfied doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m satisfied with my job, and I’m satisfied with our friendship, and I don’t want or need more.” I’m breathing heavily now, and I’m sure my face is red. Not a good look for me.

  “I see,” he says. But he doesn’t let me go, and he seems like he’s still searching for a loophole.

  “Besides,” I say, “I’m not attracted to you. I don’t want to be happy with you. Even if I decide to be happy again, it won’t be with you. It can’t be with you.”

  “Why?”

  “I just don’t see you that way,” I mutter.

  He might be the most dangerous sunlight of all. Blinding and painful and just too much to hope for. There must be a real monster hiding under all of that to compensate for how wonderful he is on the surface.

  No one is ever what they seem.

  “Ally, I’d never hurt you…” he says, trailing off to silence.

  “I know,” I say, pushing him away so I can open my door. “That’s what makes you not my type.”

  He backs off, slams his hands in his pockets, and watches me pull out.

  I don’t want to lose his friendship, but it was probably inevitable anyway. Better to cut things off before we both get hurt more than we already are.

  Chapter 8

  I send a quick glance at Ryan as we both open our lockers and pull out our stuff for the day. He’s looking straight ahead, methodically putting away perfectly folded clothes with his huge, elegant hands. He takes a deep breath and lets it out.

  I turn back to my locker and continue rummaging till I find my sup polo wrinkled at the bottom of my locker. I need to hit the laundromat soon. I pull it on over my tank. It doesn’t smell, at least. I guess I’ll do the lifeguard shift today, not the customer service one.

  I hear him pull away and he goes to the fridge, sets something down, based on the crinkly plastic noises coming from his direction. Probably something fancy, like the fish I jousted to the floor. I want to tease him about it, want to say something and make him laugh.

  Maybe I was a bit hasty the other day. Maybe he really won’t want to be friends anymore. Too bad, I could use a friend here.

  He leaves the room, pulling his whistle over his head, tying his hair back. Every move of his is smooth, gorgeous. He’s just a tall drink of water.

  And he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Well, we’re coworkers, so he’ll have to.

  I head to the main sup office, shove the door open a little too hard with my foot and it bounces off the wall with a loud knock.

  “Oops,” I say, grabbing for it.

  “Ally…” Rain says from her desk.

  “I know I know. Gentle.” I sidle to her desk and sit on the side of it. She glares up at me, and then breaks into a smile.

  “I heard you kissed Ryan.”

  “Yeah. Got a problem with that? We ain’t gonna make nothing of it.”

  “That’s too bad. Ryan’s a nice guy.”

  “I’m not a nice girl.”

  “Matter of opinion,” she says, moving some papers out of the way and pushing her chair out. She leans back, facing me. She’s Knight’s chick, badass in her own way. Not in looks, just in guts.

  “You say I’m nice, even though I kissed your boyfriend?”

  “That wasn’t a kiss.”

  I crumple my eyebrows. What does that mean? I don’t care. “Anyway, I’mma take the guard shift. My polo looks like shiz.”

  She gives me a disapproving glance. “I’ll lend you one.”

  “No one will care if I’m on the-“

  “Ryan’s already on the guard shift.”

  “Damn, always on the guard shift.”

  “You know, that kind of works in your favor. I mean, look at him. Does it really look like he wants to be a sup? To me, and I’m guessing to Knight, he looks like he just wants to guard.”

  Ryan’s out with Amy, pointing out across the water at something I can’t see. Probably something to watch for. He’s good at reading that stuff. He can spot a bad swimmer before they become a drowning swimmer. We need to do another training on what to watch for.

  I watch the muscles of his arms play in the afternoon light streaming through the glass wall to the east. They bunch and relax as he gestures. His skin looks so smooth. I move down, following his chest, huge pecs visible in his shirt. Large, defined and square, toned abs, narrow hips. Firm quads, nice, long calves. He’s like a sculpture. A damn sculpture.

  I swallow and wipe my forehead.

  “Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?” Knight’s voice makes me jump, but he just squeezes my shoulder and moves past me to Rain. They kiss, and I turn away. Gross.

  “It’s a bit hot,” Rain says. “Mostly because Ally’s checking Ryan out like she wants to order him off the man menu.”

  “Am not,” I say, pushing myself off the desk to stomp away.

  “Wait up, Ally,” Knight says, grabbing my arm.

  “What?” I swing around to face him. “I gotta go on shift.”

  “It’s slow as hell out there. Ryan can handle it.”

  “Fine. What?” I straddle a chair from another desk. The one Ryan and I and the lesser sups share.

  Knight fold
s his arms. He intimidates the hell out of most of the other guards, but not me. He’s like a male version of me. Except he’s tan with dark hair, and I’m blond with pale skin. But we’re both hard, inside and outside. Both used to attention. Both hard to get along with.

  He’s a gorgeous dude. I can still remember slamming my lips down onto his, the way I had been wanting to do to Ryan ever since I met him.

  But Ryan intimidated me more than Knight, with his quiet, sexy green eyes and serious face.

  Knight frowns. “You aren’t just playing with Ryan, are you?”

  “No. I’m not planning anything with him. Why? Why does everyone think he’s so nice?”

  “Because he is. Don’t you think so?”

  “No. Okay, yeah. But I’m not stupid. I know I don’t deserve a guy like that.”

  “Ally, come on…” Knight bites his lip. “It’s not like that.”

  “You come on. It’s totally like that. We all get it.” I walk to the window and see Ryan looking over at us. Shocks shoot straight down to my toes. I’m not used to the way he makes me feel. Somehow being farther from him makes it even more overwhelming. If I’m not pushing back against his pressure, what is there to push against?

  “Just, in the past, he’s attracted some weird chicks.”

  “Weird like me?”

  “No. Like, weird weird. I don’t know. We swam together in high school. I don’t know if it’s cause he’s quiet, but the girls that just get off on teasing shy guys loved to mess with him. Maybe they really did like him, I don’t know. But I just…”

  “Wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again,” I say. I look at Rain. She looks away. So he’s told her this too. They’re a freakin’ team.

  “I’m not messing with him. I’m trying to do what’s best for me. That’s my job. Not taking care of him,” I say. “Besides, I already told him he’s not my type. I think he finally got it.” I shrug, an odd achiness settling in my shoulders. “So you two can stop worrying.”

  “Sorry, it’s just, with you two being senior guards…” Rain says, trailing off.