Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  She must still be out of it from the drama. “I said, thanks for the invite.”

  She blinks a couple times, looks up at my face. “Oh, no problem.” She smiles and opens the door for me. “Did you have a good night?”

  “Sure.”

  “Liar,” she says, following me outside.

  I use the remote to unlock my car. It beeps and flashes. “That’s me,” I say.

  “You have to go so soon?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “I’m getting a headache anyway. Thanks though. It was…fun.”

  “I’m sorry Ryan. You never usually come either. It’s not usually this lame. I mean, at least it’s not one of Chad’s old parties, but still.” She’s fidgeting with the bottom of her shirt.

  “It’s no problem.” I put a hand up to press on my forehead. Feels weird.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You drink at all?”

  “Of course not.”

  She studies me for a second, coming close to my face. “You sure?”

  “Yes,” I say. I wish she’d stop talking. I’m tired, and I kinda want to leave before I get more tired.

  “I don’t think you should drive. You don’t look well.”

  “I’m fine.” I lean back against the car to make the lie more convincing.

  “Stay, let me drive you later.”

  “I lost my shirt,” I mumble. I cross my arms over my chest. The night air is a bit cool.

  “Give me your keys.” She reaches for them. “Maybe you drank the wrong thing on accident.”

  “I didn’t.” I hold on to them, but sit in front of the car. “Go away.”

  “Gosh, it takes an Ally to deal with you, doesn’t it? You’re so darn stubborn.”

  I huff and tuck my keys into my pocket where she can’t get them. I try to get up but my knees buckle. Maybe I’ll just rest for a bit by the car, then drive.

  “Stay here, I’ll be right back,” she says.

  I shrug. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. So dizzy. Maybe I’ll sleep for a bit, and still be gone by the time she goes back. I lean against my car and close my eyes…

  Ally

  I was such a jerk to Ryan. I bite my lip and go back over the moments before he left. The way his beautiful face fell when I said he was worse than my ex. The way he didn’t look at me as he gave me his shirt. The way Amy ogled him on the way out and it didn’t phase him.

  I was angry about what the douche said. Angry about my dress. Angry for feeling afraid. Angry that Ryan has better control than me. Angry that Ryan is so different from everyone I’ve known.

  If it wasn’t cowardice that made him hold me back and yet not hit the guy himself, what was it? I scratch my head. I can’t figure it out. It was a confusing few moments, and demeaning, and I took that out on him. It didn’t help that he talked to the chick from the pool on the way back.

  How did she even get here? Creep. I reach for my drink, but there’s two right next to each other and I’m not sure which is which. I leave them both.

  I mean though, isn’t that how someone shows their feelings? Don’t they hit people for you? Why can he make me a damn sandwich but not punch a dude? It’s not that I can’t punch them myself, but I mean, shouldn’t he want to do it for me?

  I shake my head. Ryan’s a mystery, all right, and it’s not his fault I have warped expectations of men. I mean, I want to be one, but the only way I’d ever be with one is if they could be more man than I am. Otherwise, why do I need them?

  His shirt is warm and wrapping me in nice smelling softness. Mmm…fresh, clean laundry, and a little bit of something that’s very him. Maybe the way his car smells. I pull it up over my nose and sink into it.

  I’m in this embarrassing position when Amy comes through the front door, eyes flashing, storming right over to me.

  “Yeah?” I drop the shirt and sit up.

  She jerks a hand to me, beckoning me over. I walk slowly over, trying not to look odd to the people around us. I lean down so she can talk to me in a low voice.

  “Can you go check on Ryan for me?”

  “Ryan?” My heart beats faster. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. He was acting weird.”

  “Weird?”

  “I don’t know, almost like he was drunk?”

  “Shiznit.” I push past her and run through the door. I search frantically before I realize he’s right in front of me. Leaning on his car, asleep. Half naked. My mouth goes dry.

  It’s not the time to think about how hard those sculpted pecs must feel. It’s not the time to run my hands over that eight pack and see if it feels as good as it looks. I crouch in front of him.

  “Ryan?”

  No answer.

  “Ryan?” I pull on one of his eyelids and he opens the other groggily to glare at me.

  “What?”

  “You feeling okay?” I push his hair out of his face. His ponytail is coming loose. He takes a deep breath, drawing my attention back to his amazing pecs, and lets it out with a sigh. I should put his shirt back on, but he’s huge, and I’m not even sure I could do it without his cooperation.

  He shrugs. His shoulders are gorgeous too. They’re large and dip towards his biceps. He’s too out of it to see me ogling him. I lift one of his hands, and drop it.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say.

  I run back up to the house. I bolt through the door and grab Amy.

  “What? Is he okay?”

  “No. He’s barely conscious. I think he was roofied.”

  “Roofied?” Amy’s face pales. It’s pretty common in Cali, but she doesn’t generally invite that type of person to her parties. “By who?”

  I shrug. “I bet it was meant for me. I mean, our cups were close. I bet Ryan left our drinks alone at some point. He probably didn’t know any better.”

  She looks devastated, and bites her lip. “What should I do?”

  “I don’t know. I’m going to take Ryan home. I’d call your moms. Ask them. Tell them you think someone had drugs at your party. I bet it was those douchebags Ryan threw out.”

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” A soft voice asks from behind me. I turn around to see the chick Ryan rescued. “Is everything okay?”

  She seems like a nice girl. There’s no reason not to like her. She’s sweet, in fact, maybe she’s Ryan’s type, with her soft hair and her cute face and her nice clothes. But I just don’t like it. I just don’t want to hand him over yet.

  “Everything’s fine,” I say.

  “Who were you talking about?”

  “What?” Amy asks.

  “Who got roofied?”

  Amy blanches. “Emily, don’t worry about it. Actually, can you talk to the other girls? I have to call my moms.”

  “I’ll take care of Ryan,” I say.

  “Ryan?” she says, blue eyes wide, genuinely concerned. “Is Ryan hurt?”

  “What’s it to you?” I ask, glaring down at her. She folds her hands together and withers under my gaze.

  “I just, I guess I owe him, after what happened.”

  “Hmph.”

  “She’s just like that,” Amy says.

  I can hear it in the distance as I walk outside again. I kick the door shut behind me. I don’t want everyone looking at him. Not when he’s vulnerable like this.

  Ryan is now lying next to the car, back against the concrete of the sidewalk. How am I going to move him? Maybe I shouldn’t have turned down Emily’s help. Naw, who am I kidding? That chick might be the perfect girl next door who is perfect for Ryan, but I bet she can’t lift a two by four.

  I crouch in front of him. “Ryan?” I say softly.

  He pulls his eyes open with great effort, and tries to push up onto one elbow. He squints up at me and deep green winks out at me under his long eyelashes. “Ally?”

  “Yeah, that’s me, big guy.” I put an arm around him and start to pull him up. “Can you sit up?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. But he p
ushes with one arm and I manage to pull him to sitting against the car.

  “We gotta get you in the car. I gotta get you home.”

  “Sleep,” he mutters.

  “Oh no, not yet,” I say, stopping him from laying back down. “Come on, upsy daisy.” I focus down into my quads and stand with him, dead-lifting whatever he can’t hold as he weakly stands with me. Good thing I use the school gym.

  “Thanks Ally.” He puts a heavy arm over my shoulders. I can feel his muscles. The muscles that he used to drag the douche out. The muscles that made me feel threatened, the muscles that made me take everything out on him, like I always do, when he doesn’t stay like a good boy in whatever box I try to put him in.

  I realize I don’t have his keys. I set him on the ground, seated at least.

  I brush hair out of his face again. It’s soft, reminding me of things I don’t want to face. That he’s not the kind of man I know.

  He’s a man, but not like any I’ve met. He’s not trying to unman me, and he isn’t trying to change me so that he can rule me. And the way he protects me doesn’t make any sense. But today I was hungry and he brought me lunch. And tonight I was feeling naked and he gave me his shirt.

  I don’t know what to do with that.

  “What do I do with you?” I say, caressing his cheek lightly.

  His eyes slowly flutter open. He almost looks like he understands what I’m saying.

  I lean forward slowly, till our noses are touching. He’s so harmless right now. I could kiss him. I could run my hands all over him, feel his muscles, feel everything I’ve been wanting to feel but couldn’t because he frightens me. Because he wants more than I can give, even if he doesn’t say so.

  I ache over touching him, but decide not to. I stop with my lips close to his. Kissing him would be super wrong, even if I’m sure he’d be happy I was doing it if he was conscious.

  His hand comes up around the back of my head and pushes me clumsily forward, right onto his mouth.

  “Mmpph.” I flail and try to pull back, not wanting to be a molester, but his arm rests against my neck, holding me there against his mouth.

  It’s warm, and his mouth is still against mine. I can memorize the lines of his lips. I stop fighting, and he holds me there just a moment longer, then lets go. I fall back on my butt away from him, flustered and hot and bothered.

  He puts a hand up on top of his head and takes a deep breath, eyes still closed. “Mmm. Tasty.”

  I narrow my eyes at him and crawl forward. “You awake then buddy?”

  He squints at me again, then smiles goofily. “Nope.”

  I wonder if he’ll even remember kissing me. What was I doing before I got distracted? Oh yeah, keys. I need to get him out of here before everyone else comes out.

  “Ryan, where are your keys?”

  “No. I’m fine,” he mumbles, shaking his head.

  I watch his mouth for a moment, captivated by the fullness of his lips. It’s so much easier to see how beautiful he is when he’s harmless.

  “Your keys.”

  His head gives me a small shake, then lolls onto his shoulder. He’s out again.

  I guess I’m going to have to look for them then. I mean, they can’t be that many places. He must have had them with him when he came out. They have to be in his pockets. One of them.

  I look him over. They can’t be in his back pocket, or it’d be hard for him to be sitting on them. So they must be…

  I feel my face go bright red as I reach towards his right pocket. Hopefully no one comes out in the next minute or so, cause this is going to look so wrong.

  Don’t look now, I’m just reaching into my friend’s pants while he’s unconscious. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

  I take a deep breath and slide my hand into his pocket. I can feel the tips of the keys. I pray I don’t feel anything else. I try to pull them, but they don’t come easily. I move my hand deeper in, but only manage to push them further down. I grit my teeth and try to get below them. I finally have the ring, and I can pull them out. Phew, I’m going to get through this without anything awkward.

  “Not before marriage,” Ryan mumbles, moving slightly.

  My face goes deep, flaming red. I yank the keys out. “Not before marriage what? Asshole.” I point the keys at him, pointy end first, in case he gets ideas.

  He just stares blearily up at me, and then shrugs. “I dunno. Sorry?”

  I fold my arms, trying not to smile. He’s just so easy right now. “Okay big guy. One more push. I need you to stand up for me.”

  He groans and pushes up as I wrap his arm around my shoulder again.

  “That’s it, you’ve got it.”

  He nods at me. He’s clearly exhausted. I hate whoever did this to him. They’ll pay.

  I help him to the passenger side, and open the door for him. I ease him in, then take the keys and go around the other side and get in. I’ve never driven such a nice car before. I put the key in the starter and turn. It purrs. It freakin’ purrs.

  I guess driving this car sort of makes up for all the trouble. I’m just hoping that me getting him home safely helps him forgive me for being such a jerk to him earlier.

  This is why I don’t hang out with nice guys. I don’t get them, and I just end up hurting them. I remember where he lives, because I’m good at remembering things like that. If it’s a picture, I can remember it.

  Plus, I tend to memorize the route to anywhere I go, so that if I need to bolt, I know my way back.

  I should have gotten the drinks for us. I should have watched them. I pull up at the bottom of his drive and look up. What am I going to tell the parentals? I know he’s twenty, but it still doesn’t look good to bring him home roofied.

  Do parentals still care at twenty? Damned if I know. Do I need to take him for a drug test? I don’t see how, and I don’t know what’s in his system, whether he could get in trouble if he couldn’t prove he didn’t take it on his own.

  Ryan snores lightly beside me. I won’t take the chance by calling the police. Hopefully Amy and her mom handle that part of it.

  I gotta get him in either way. I drive up as close to the front door as I can. I get out and knock on the door.

  No answer. They have to be asleep. Then I remember. They’re deaf. I drop my face in my palm and laugh. That’s in my favor. As long as I don’t hit the doorbell, I should be able to get him in without anyone noticing that their perfect, smart, straight-edged son is acting like he’s had about a billion drinks.

  I brace myself, ‘cause this is gonna be a workout, and pull him out of the car. I take him up the steps, use his key in the front door, and get us in. I’m guessing his bedroom is upstairs. The staircase is huge. Not sure how I’m going to do this.

  But I do it like I do most of the tough shiz in my life. I grit my teeth, bear down, and see if I can be stronger today than I was yesterday if I just try hard enough.

  I do it like I left my marriage, I do it like I moved out here to get away from it all. From Zach.

  Ryan and I reach the top of the stairs. I have to use my instinct for this one. I’m guessing he’s to the right since the one to the left looks bigger.

  I drag him to the door, trying not to thump too loudly, since that’ll wake people. I shift his weight so I can open it, and use my one last wind to get him to his bed. His bed is huge. Not a twin. I try to get the covers out from under him but I can’t so I give up and just stare at him, on his back, one arm over his head. Hair spread around him like some kind of halo.

  My breath catches. Looking at him just does something to me.

  I don’t have any way to drive back to Amy’s. I think I left my phone in Big Blue. I guess I’ll stay here till he wakes up, and then sneak out. I don’t think anyone’ll mind.

  I can’t sleep, so I stare at the wall for a while. I don’t sleep anywhere that’s not home. I can’t. Nightmares. Loss of control. I run a hand through my hair. Something goes bump down the hall and I jump and go r
igid. I stay tensed till a hand tousles my hair.

  Ryan.

  “Come up here,” he mumbles groggily, trying to pull me up by my shoulder.

  He’s super ineffective but he’s not giving up, his arm flapping while his body stays still, so I stand for him. He grabs my hand and yanks me down next to him.

  I gasp and lie still. He puts an arm around me and pulls me in, like I’m a stuffed animal. I go still. It’s so warm. So soft. I can hear his heart beating in his chest against my cheek. I rest my hand on his stomach, which is firm but relaxed. Male stomachs feel awesome.

  I wait for him to go back to sleep. Maybe he’ll let me go.

  Maybe I don’t want to go.

  He falls back asleep and his arm goes loose but stays around me. I sigh before I can stop myself.

  I grunt once just to make up for it. I take his arm and hold it around me like a blanket. I could get used to this. It’s warm, and quiet, and the room is awash in shades of blue.

  But this, this is the problem. This peace is the problem. It makes a person stupid. Makes them settle in and feel safe, and then when it’s robbed away, it hurts too bad to ever want it again. I touch his hair again, so soft, and then brush my finger over his forehead, then down to lightly run across his lips.

  Damnit, I feel like a super perv.

  I lay my head down against his chest. I’ll deal with all of this in the morning. I’m just too tired right now.

  But I’m happy too. Happy to just be here, with my best friend.

  I smile and close my eyes.

  Chapter 10

  I wake up late, with sunlight shining painfully in my eyes, which feel tired and sticky. I blink a few times. My arm bumps something as I move.

  Ally, beside me.

  In my bed.

  I jump back, trying to be quiet. I put my fingers up to my temples and try to remember. I look down at my chest. Shirtless. I glare down at Ally in her dress, my shirt over the top. Nothing happened, right? I lean forward with a sigh.

  I remember now. I took my shirt off and gave it to her before I left. And then what? My hair is everywhere, and I pull it back, realizing not for the first time how obnoxious it is to manage. I wonder what it’s like to have short hair, like Ally’s?