Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  “I don’t know. I’ve relied on people before. It didn’t go well. We have something good. I don’t want that with you.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Friendship. To not be afraid anymore.”

  “I can do that.”

  “But why? Why would you do that? Without sex? What else could you want from me? No one else kept me around. No one else was willing to take me in. Just Zach. At least I had something to offer him. What could I give you?”

  “Ally, look at me.”

  “No.”

  “Look at me.” His voice is so warm and insistent, and I look up at him. His eyes are intense and sincere. “Ally, I just want you. As a friend, as more, as whatever you want. I just want you to be the girl that batted my hair away and tried to get me to talk. I just want you to keep things interesting, and to keep caring about me, like you did when you pulled me up the steps and put me to bed when I got roofied.”

  I don’t understand it, so I close my eyes again and just listen. But at least with my eyes closed I’m less vulnerable.

  “I want to be there for you, watching out for you. I want to do lunch with you, study with you. I want you to get to know my family better. I want to see you happy.”

  I wince.

  “I want so many other things, but I won’t push you. But can I get involved with some of this, just a little?”

  “I don’t know what you can do,” I say, holding his hand to my cheek. It’s large and capable, and it feels good to trust someone, finally, after resisting so long. “What can anyone do? My life is a mess.”

  “Just trust me. Do I have your permission?”

  “Okay. But I don’t know what you can do.”

  “Just wait and see. Don’t worry about it for now. Amy’s going to take you home, okay? I’ll send her in when I go out. Is that okay?”

  I blink. I don’t want to him to leave, I sort of want to grab his hand and pull him back. I don’t know where he’s going or what he’s going to do, and I have no way to control him. He stops and comes back, brushes hair out of my face, and places a kiss on my forehead. He holds it there for a moment.

  It’s one of the best things I’ve ever felt. No one has ever kissed me like that. It’s all the love in the world wrapped up in one soft touch, and it melts the ice around my heart.

  Then he leaves and the door shuts behind him. I start to panic, thinking about what he could be doing or not doing, and all of the things I need to worry about, but my head gets foggy and hurty before I can get far. The door opens and Amy comes in.

  “Hey girly, you doing okay?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “Let’s go home.”

  She smiles and jingles her keys. “You got it.”

  Chapter 17

  “What will it take for you to go?” I ask, pulling out my wallet. The dark-haired dude at the door scowls at me and folds his arms. He’s about to kick the door shut with his foot when I stomp forward and put my foot out to stop it. I push my way inside.

  “What the hell?” He says, shoving me.

  “What the hell, yourself,” I say, shoving him back. I’m not an abusive douchebag. I was raised not to hurt others, but I’ll do it if I have to. After all, I box in my free time. This dude hits girls, and that’s in my mind constantly as I confront him. Even as I know Ally cares for him and wouldn’t want me or him in trouble.

  “Step off dude,” he says, backing up.

  “What will it take?” I say, waving my wallet. “Whatever you need, name it.”

  He frowns and stares at the wallet. “I don’t need your money.”

  “Yes, you do. Because you aren’t staying here. You’re going back to Ohio where you belong.”

  “Says who? You?” He puts his hands in his pockets. “Ally said I could stay. I don’t know who the hell you are. Oh wait, you’re the dude she left in the hallway. I think we know who she wants around.”

  I need to appeal to whatever humanity he has left. If Ally’s right, he wasn’t always bad, and he does care about her. I’ll have to bank on that. “You’re hurting her,” I say.

  “What?” His shoulders fall slightly. “She isn’t even staying here.”

  “Exactly,” I say. “You come out of nowhere, disrupt her space. She’s been sleeping in her car.”

  “She said she was sleeping at a friend’s house.”

  “Did you check?”

  “No. That wasn’t my job.”

  “I don’t know, maybe it was, since it’s you being here that pushed her out.”

  “I didn’t know that. I thought she was confused.”

  “So you made her pay you to leave?”

  He sighs, frustrated. “I just wanted more time. I didn’t mean to hurt her. You gotta understand, we go way back. I mean, you think you know her, but you don’t, not compared to me. Things I could tell you…”

  “Don’t.” I put up a hand. “Maybe you know the Ally then, but I know the Ally now. She’s my best friend and I can’t let you hurt her.”

  “Fine. I’ll get a hotel.”

  “You don’t understand. She passed out at work. Got a concussion. I saved her from drowning. That’s the kind of stress you’re putting on her.”

  Zach moves slowly to the couch, slumps down on it, and puts a hand up to his forehead. He’s quiet for a moment, and then wipes his eyes in what suspiciously looks like a wiping tears movement. “I didn’t want to hurt her. There was a time, all we had was each other. I’ve gotten better, I really have, but I guess I can’t get forgiven for shit like that. I was worried about her out here though.”

  I nod, shocked by what I’m seeing. He’s not what I would have imagined when I thought of someone who hits their wife. I was expecting a monster, but he’s just kind of broken.

  But I still need him out of her life. I can’t give him the chance to hurt her again.

  She’s trusting me now.

  “I’ll go then,” he says, standing and wiping his hands on worn jeans. “I guess she’s got you now, she doesn’t need me.”

  I’m oddly sad for him, but I can’t allow that to change things. He came back into her life and she got a concussion. She moved halfway across the country to be away from him.

  “Should I tell her goodbye?”

  I think about it. Ally’s terrified of being abandoned, but does she really want to say goodbye to this guy? I shouldn’t make that choice for her. But I’ll be there to watch. “I guess so. I’ll take you over.”

  “I got my own ride. I’ll follow you.” He starts out the door, I follow him. Before I go to my car, I take bills from my wallet and shove them into his hand. “Take it.”

  He pushes them back. “I can’t, it feels dirty. Like I’m being paid to walk out on her.”

  “She’ll kill me if she doesn’t know you’re good to make it home.”

  He laughs. “Ain’t that the truth. Aight.” He takes the money and shoves it in his pocket.

  I go to my car. I’ve kept my promise to Ally. I’ve handled things. Between this and paying her hospital bill, things will be almost as if he never came. As soon as he says goodbye. But what if she doesn’t really want to, when she’s given the chance?

  As I drive to Amy’s, my stomach cramps up thinking about her seeing Zach. The rest was easy. Money I have. What’s the point of privilege if I can’t use it to help others once in a while? Ally’s made me realize just how lucky my family and I are, and it’s easy to want to share that.

  It was also relatively easy to convince Zach to leave.

  But what if she hates me for bringing him over? What if she hates the way I’ve taken care of things?

  Well, there’s no point worrying. I did what I thought was best for her. When you really care for someone, you care more about what is best for them than about what they think of you. Now I have to live with the aftermath.

  I’m just praying it goes alright. I don’t want to lose her. I know that even more after holding her in my arms, bleeding and unconscious. I never want to see that a
gain.

  She needs to let me in her life, so I can make sure I never see that again.

  Ally

  “You’ve got a good guy,” Zach says, touching my hand tentatively before pulling away. “I think you’ll be fine.”

  “Thanks,” I say. “But he’s not my guy.”

  Zach raises one bushy eyebrow, so different and untamed compared to Ryan’s. “Maybe you should do something about that. Dude practically threw me out. Bribed me too.”

  I laugh and hit the bedspread. Figures. That’s so Ryan. I’m realizing he can be intense when he wants to be. He’s not the wallflower I met over a year ago. He’s blossomed. But not into a flower. Into a living steel sculpture. It’s a weird image, but it’s how I see him, even if maybe it’s just the concussion talking.

  “So where will you go?” I ask.

  “Home. Back to more therapy. Hopefully my job takes me back. I was planning to set roots here if you didn’t want to come back with me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, toying with the blanket. “I just think it’s better if we’re apart. Too much history.”

  He scratches his head, and looks away. If I know Zach, he’s tearing up. “Damn Ally, I’m just so sorry. I wish I could take it back.”

  I touch his head, and he looks back at me, dark eyes glossy. Eyes I’ve looked into so many times. “You’ll be alright, Zachey.”

  He nods and pulls back. “Yeah. No shit. It just sucks.”

  It does. We met when we were too young to figure things out, but that didn’t make the feelings any less real. Feelings he obviously had and hasn’t lost. I know for sure, looking into his eyes now, that he loved me. Still loves me. As much as he is capable of it.

  “Love you, Zach.” I can tell by his face that he knows I mean it as a friend. But he deserves to know that I don’t hate him. That I forgive him.

  “You too, Ally girl.” He stands.

  “Take care.”

  “You too,” he says. “I’ll text you my address. Let me know if lover boy ever gets out of hand, and I’ll come beat him down for you.”

  I grimace. “Zach…”

  “Kidding, you got someone to do your beat downs now.”

  “Zach?”

  “Yeah?” He turns to face me once more.

  “I do my own beat downs.”

  He grins and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

  “Can you send Ryan in on your way out?”

  His eyes shutter. “Sure.”

  “Take care. I mean it. Text when you get home.”

  He shrugs. “Bye Ally girl.”

  “Bye.”

  The door shuts, and my heart gives a painful last throb at his leaving. It’s over. It’s really over. Thanks to Ryan.

  The door opens and Ryan appears around the edge. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Can you make sure he leaves okay? Doesn’t bother Amy?”

  “Sure.” He disappears for a moment. It’s odd how easy it is to get him to help me. I should have allowed him to do so sooner. It doesn’t make me less badass, I think. In fact, I think it makes me kind of badass that I’m strong enough to let someone like Ryan do stuff for me, rather than drowning on my own. Literally. Ha ha.

  “He’s gone. You okay?”

  “You can come in,” I say. He comes through the door and shuts it behind him.

  “Amy’s on the phone. She told us to take our time, whatever that means.” His brow crinkles adorably, and I can barely believe this is the same man who basically saved my life this morning and fixed my life this afternoon.

  “Thanks for what you did. I know about the hospital bill too.”

  His eyes widen slightly. “You did say I could handle what I wanted to handle.”

  I grin and stretch, putting my hands behind my head. “Yeah, I guess I forgot you’re mister moneybags and it’s no big deal. You gonna buy me whatever I want now?” It’s a joke, but he steps forward, eyes locked with mine.

  “Yeah.”

  “What?” My chest feels weird, like my stomach disappeared. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ll buy you whatever you want,” he says, walking forward to the edge of my bed, above my feet.

  “Uh…I wasn’t being serious.”

  “I was.”

  I pat the bed, signaling that he can come sit beside me. He does. He’s so tall. I can’t forget how good his hand felt to my cheek. How he coaxed me out of the box that I’ve been stuck in for so long, a box where I’m on my own, and untouchable, but also lonely and troubled. I’m out of that box, and I don’t know how to be with him.

  “Was it hard to see him go?”

  I nod. “Thanks for letting me say goodbye alone.”

  “Not my choice,” he said. “I didn’t like it, but I was outside.”

  “Controlling,” I say.

  He shudders and shakes his head. “Definitely not. Caring. There’s a difference.”

  “Oh, how are you different?”

  He leans over me, his face casting a shadow over mine. “I only stepped in because you let me. In the end, you’re still in control.”

  “I don’t always want to be,” I say, blushing. “In fact, I don’t think it’s so bad at all when you are.”

  His eyes slide to mine, softening for the first time since he entered the room. I’m sure he was jealous of Zach, and that it was driving him crazy out there. He probably didn’t even know if I’d really be able to send Zach away. I’m kind of shocked that I did.

  Ryan’s eyes ask me a question, his eyebrow slightly lifted. I nod. He puts a hand on each side of my head and leans down slowly for a kiss.

  His lips meet mine and I’m used to the feel of them. Like our lips were made to fit together. And I can feel that magical warmth starting inside me. His kisses are truly unreal, and for the first time I’m realizing it’s maybe not just what he’s doing, but how I feel about him.

  “Ryan?” I say, interrupting him as he moves his lips to my temple.

  He sits back. “Yes?”

  “You said you wanted more,” I say. “In the hospital. I’m ready to hear it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I need to hear it.”

  “I want to make you happy,” he says, cupping my face like he did in the hospital. I study his handsome features and follow the sharp line of his nose down to the lips I know so well, down to his straight jaw. Does this beautiful man really want me? Can I really accept it?

  “I want to bring you out into the light.” He kisses my cheek. “I want to spoil you rotten,” he says, kissing my ear.

  I gasp and he grins.

  “I want to keep getting closer. I want to buy you whatever you want.” He kisses my forehead. “I don’t ever want to let you go.”

  “Yeah, but I ain’t ready to talk marriage yet.”

  “I’m a patient man.”

  “I might not ever be ready.”

  “Okay.” He kisses me on the lips, holds it for minutes, just breathing against me. Pressure inside me is rising. He pulls back.

  I grin and pull his head down so that his lips are just above mine. The heat between our lips is driving me crazy. My body’s on fire and all he’s done is kiss me.

  “Then again, if you keep making it feel this good, maybe one day it won’t sound so bad.”

  “Then I’ll make it feel so good,” he says, gathering me close in his arms. He leans his head over my shoulder, and his breath sends shocks down my spine. “So good you can’t believe it.”

  I hold him close as he proves it, over and over, loving me in that gentle and passionate way.

  And sure, it’s still a little bit scary. It’s new, uncharted territory. But I’ll be going there with him, and that makes everything worth it.

  For once, I’m going to be in the sun.

  Epilogue

  “You better have a good reason for pulling me off shift early,” I say, shutting the door a bit too hard behind me as we leave the park through the back door.

  �
��I’ve got a surprise,” he says.

  I pull my hat backwards and stomp after him, wallet chain swinging. He hasn’t tried to change me. I haven’t had to be less butch for him. And he does make it feel good.

  So good I can’t believe it.

  A blush creeps up on my face and I pull my hat forward again to hide it so Ryan doesn’t see it. Don’t want him to have the satisfaction.

  I guess I’m not the easiest girlfriend, but he knew that from the start. That’s what makes it great. I was a different person when I met Ryan than I was when I met Zach, which means the fit I have with Ryan is because of the person I am now, not the person I was. I can trust that.

  “Close your eyes,” Ryan says, facing me and walking backwards into the parking lot.

  “Then how am I supposed to walk, Sherlock?”

  “Hm.” He moves behind me and covers my eyes. “I’ll lead you.”

  “Jeez,” I say. “Drama queen.” I stumble forward, and it’s awkward because of his hands over my eyes. I recognize the direction we’re going. “Crap, did you get me a car?” I reach up to pull his hands away, but he doesn’t budge. “You better not have bought me a car.”

  But why else would he be taking me out into the parking lot?

  “Shh…” He says. “It’s a surprise.”

  “I’m serious Ryan, I’m going to kill you if you replaced Big Blue. She’s part of me.”

  “I know.”

  I’m not reassured. There’s a sinking feeling when I think about what could be waiting for me. What if he’s trying to change me? What if the last few months have been too good to be true? Even though I’ve grown to trust him, with my history it’s hard not to get paranoid sometimes.

  He’s not Zach, I remind myself. It calms me enough to walk forward with him. He stops and I stop as well. He lowers his hands. “Okay, you can look.”

  I do. Big Blue sits in front of me, shining and metallic in the sun. I breathe a huge sigh of relief that he didn’t mess with her. “Phew, I thought you’d done something.”

  “Well,” he says. “I did, sort of.” He walks around to the passenger side and opens the door. Then he shuts it, hard. I run forward, in shock, to stop him. He’ll break the door.