Cut Me Free

by J. R. Johansson

  Her expression relaxes a little. She squeezes my hand and her eyes fill with warmth that steals the breath from my chest. Sam used to look at me the same way. It is devotion I didn’t deserve—don’t deserve—but I’m working toward it. Her voice is only a whisper when she speaks again.

  “Thank you for keeping me safe.”

  I nod, unable to come up with any response. Sanda throws her arms around me in a tight hug and I feel better than I have all day.

  We walk the rest of the way down the stairs, and Sanda’s hand is shaking when she knocks. In less than five seconds, Rachel flings the door wide open and grins.

  “Hi! I was thinking about you all day, but Grams said I had to wait until you got settled. You seem settled. Want to see my room?” She gives Sanda no time to answer, grabs her hand and drags her into the apartment. Sanda follows in stunned silence, but then a grin spreads across her face.

  Janice wipes her hands on a towel and walks out of the kitchen. She waves for me to come in and I close the door behind me. Her apartment makes mine look like a barren wasteland. It’s warm, cozy, and clean, with the exception of a few dolls and toys scattered about. It is lived in—like a home.

  As I stand in the doorway, I count the locks on it. There are only four. One of the windows is open to allow in a breeze, like an invitation. This apartment is at street level. It’s so easy to break in. Can I really leave her here when it’s this vulnerable?

  “Well, that didn’t take long.” Janice gestures toward the next room where Rachel is showing Sanda a dollhouse. The blond girl keeps handing Sanda dolls and is talking a million words a minute. I smile as Sanda struggles to hold about fifteen dolls without dropping any before Rachel giggles and takes some back.

  I have my answer. If Rachel is safe here, Sanda can be, too. Besides, having a friend will be so good for her. “They’ll have fun together,” I say.

  “She looks better.” Janice’s gaze is piercing and I turn away. “Than last night, I mean.”

  “New clothes will do that for a girl, I guess.” I hurry on before she can ask questions. “We were planning on inviting Rachel up to our apartment.”

  Janice shakes her head. “They’re fine here, if that’s okay with you. I’m sure we have more toys, anyway.”

  “Well, I was hoping I could take Rachel off your hands for an hour and give you a break, because then I kind of need a favor tonight.” This is even more uncomfortable than I expected. I’m not used to asking for help. And I don’t like needing it.

  She doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to finish.

  “I got a job working at a restaurant and I need to go in for training in an hour.” I look back toward Sanda again and she grins and waves. “I was hoping she could stay here with Rachel while I’m gone. I’d be happy to pay you.”

  Janice watches me for a moment before nodding. “No need to pay or to watch Rachel first. It’s actually nice for me, too. I get more done when someone else can entertain Rachel for a little while. Your cousin is always welcome.”

  I start to let out a breath of relief, but she holds up a hand and the air stops in my throat, choking me.

  “One problem though.” She leans forward and whispers, “I don’t think you ever told me her name.”

  “Oh, right.” I remember to keep breathing. “It’s Sanda.”

  “Great. Sanda will be fine here until you get home.” Janice pats my shoulder and I hold perfectly still. “What time does your shift end?”

  I give her an apologetic wince. “It’ll be a little late, between ten and eleven. Are you sure you don’t want me to pay you for babysitting?”

  She shakes her head. “I’m sure. I’ll send them to bed at nine anyway, so any time after that really doesn’t count. Rachel has an extra bed in her room for when her dad is home on leave. If you bring down some pajamas for Sanda, you can just carry her up when you get home.”

  I’m speechless. I expected Janice would watch Sanda if I paid enough, but not this kind of generosity. There is nothing I can say, but I’ll make this up to her somehow.

  “Thank you.” I can see it in her eyes as she nods. Janice knows how much this means to me. “I’ll be right back with her things.”

  As I turn toward the door, there’s a light tug on my hand. Sanda is standing behind me, biting her lip. She wraps her fingers around mine and I squat down to her level.

  “What is it?”

  “You will come back?” She’s squeezing my hand so hard it almost hurts, and she stares at the carpet between us like it might split into a mighty chasm and separate us at any moment. “You promise?”

  “I promise.” I wrap her in my arms and give her a quick hug like I used to give Sam, then pull away and lean my forehead against hers. “I’m not leaving you.”

  9

  Mary stands at the host station with a happy grin when I walk in, and I wonder why Cam ever believed I’d be good at this job.

  “Are you waiting for someone or would you like a table for one?”

  “Neither. I’m here for training.”

  Her grin widens and she laughs. “Oh, you’re the new me!”

  Her unending exuberance leaves me wanting to escape—either that or find her brightness and volume options and turn them down a few notches. “Uh, I suppose so. Where can I find Lily?”

  She points toward the back of the restaurant. “Take the left hall past the men’s room.”

  The narrow hallway has a large IF YOU DON’T WORK HERE, YOU’RE PROBABLY LOST—EMPLOYEES ONLY sign across the top. I check around to make sure no one is watching me before I walk under it. It’s hard to think of myself as qualified to be called an “employee.”

  Lily is scribbling furiously on a stack of papers at a desk in a room on the right. I’m amazed at how fast her hand flies through the motions. I must go slow and push hard just to get the words to be readable. Of course, I haven’t been writing that long.

  “Hello, Charlotte.” Her expression is guarded when she stands up.

  “Hi.” I have a sudden urge to apologize for the way I’d been thrust upon her, but my gut tells me that apologies won’t get me anywhere with Lily. “So, where do I start?”

  She gathers the stack of papers from the desk and walks toward a large black safe on one side of the room. “Tell me what you’ve done before.”

  I shrink in on myself a little. I’d assumed Cam would tell her I had no experience. “Nothing, really.”

  She doesn’t look surprised, and I realize he did tell her. She’s toying with me, and doing it well.

  When I instinctively reach in my pocket I’m shocked to find it empty. I’d forgotten my bolt? I never forget it. But I’d been so focused on making sure Sanda had everything she needed. Can I make it through an entire night without it? My hands sweat and I force my feet to stay in place long enough to let me think. No running, not yet.

  “If you don’t want me here, you can just tell me.” My voice comes out smaller than I expect so I pull my shoulders back and stand straighter.

  I’d been worried about leaving Sanda anyway. Maybe Lily will send me away. I could go home to Sanda and still wouldn’t get on Cam’s bad side. It’s the best-case scenario, really.

  “I didn’t say that.” Lily pauses, her fingers hovering over the keypad on the safe. She looks up at me. I study my hands as she enters the code, but when I hear the door creak open I can’t resist taking a peek. The safe contains some metal drawers with cash in them, but not much. A stack of paper sits on the top shelf and on the bottom I see the black metal butt of a gun. My heart skips a beat and I’m hot and cold at the same time. I really don’t like guns. I know exactly how it feels when all you can see is the barrel pointed at you and everything else falls away.

  Of course, even the Father’s gun couldn’t stop me after they killed Sam.

  Shaking off the sudden rush of fear, I watch as Lily closes the safe.

  “Let’s get started.”

  I follow Lily down the hallway. She stops near the
storage room and peers inside. “Gino, can you show the new girl around? Give her a tour and everything?”

  No one responds, but Lily nods and speaks over her shoulder as she walks to the office. “He’ll be right out. Just wait here.”

  I stand in the hallway alone, feeling inadequate and trying to remember every TV show I ever watched that had a restaurant. It isn’t helpful. Mostly they were comedies with the staff’s bad service being the punch line. I doubt Lily would want me learning from them.

  The door before me swings open and a guy a couple of years older than me steps out and wipes his hands on his apron. He’s not much taller than me, but his shoulders are wide. His dark eyes land on me but he doesn’t say a word.

  “Are you Gino?” I grab a notepad and pencil out of my back pocket and pray he doesn’t want to shake my hand.

  He nods and his eyes go from my feet all the way up to my head. It makes me intensely uncomfortable and I wish I could have the tour from Mary or even Lily.

  “This is the storage room.” He points to the room behind him and his soft voice surprises me. “For food supplies. We have another one for cleaning and office stuff. Follow me.”

  He gives me the full tour and explains the sections of the dining room.

  “What is your name?”

  “Huh?” I’m barely listening as I stare hard at the dining room tables and try to memorize where each section begins and ends. My notepad is back in my pocket. I’ve learned from experience that my brain works much faster than my fingers. “Oh, it’s Charlotte. I’m Charlotte.”

  When I turn and raise my eyes, he’s studying me again. “I am quiet, so people don’t think I’m smart, but I pay attention. I don’t know why Cam wanted you working here, but don’t upset Lily. She’s not as tough as she seems.”

  I wonder for the first time if he knows more about me than he should.

  “I don’t intend to.”

  I spend the second part of my shift watching Mary and Lily at the host station. I already know I need to spend more time practicing my writing. Whenever we’re busy, they want me to write down people’s last names on a list. Just the thought makes my hands sweat. How am I supposed to guess how to spell people’s last names? I didn’t even have a last name myself until I became Charlotte.

  I rub the back of my neck, feeling the tension build up there with every passing minute. I’ve been away too long. My mind keeps drifting back to Sanda. The last time Sam had been out of my sight—but no, this is different. My hand presses gently against the still-healing gash on my side. No one else wants to hurt her. She’s safe.

  Sanda is safe.

  “Are you listening, Charlotte?” Lily’s voice breaks through my trance.

  Mary whistles under her breath and walks toward the bathroom. “Potty break.”

  “I’m sorry, Lily. I got distracted for a minute.” I try to focus.

  “By what?” She levels her gaze at me and is obviously expecting an answer. My eyes fall on the frame on the wall behind her and I decide it’s a better option than the truth.

  “That picture.” I point to the wall behind her. “Is that your sister?”

  Lily’s body freezes mid-turn, and I can actually see a physical struggle to breathe beneath the abrupt tension in her shoulders. When she finally speaks it is low and furious. “Was—she was my sister.”

  The sudden pain in her face makes me wish I’d thought of anything else to say. “Lily, I’m so—”

  “Look.” Her pain is quickly hidden behind a glare that burns my skin like the city’s asphalt on a hot day. “I know you’re only here because Cam wants you to be, and I’m not going to do you the favor of firing you. Do your job and stay away from me.”

  Mary walks up as Lily storms back toward her office. All she says is “Wow” before another couple comes in and she turns her happy smile back on to greet them.

  When Mary comes back after escorting them to their table, she raises one eyebrow at me like a challenge. “So you and Lily aren’t going to be besties. Big whoop. Angelo’s still needs a new me, and since you haven’t left yet, I’m assuming you still need this job for one reason or another. You try this time.”

  “Okay.” Forcing my hands not to shake, I step up to the booth and try to smile at the next couple that walks through the door. From their reluctant approach, I’m guessing my attempt isn’t coming off the way I hope. I drop it and give up on friendly. I try for nonthreatening instead. “Welcome to Angelo’s. Table for two?”

  They nod and I lead them to a nearby booth.

  When I come back, Mary isn’t even trying not to laugh. A flush rises to my cheeks.

  “Maybe we should find a place for you in the kitchen. Don’t want you scaring off the customers.” She grins.

  “At least I’m trying,” I mutter under my breath.

  She pats my arm. “Go take a break and we’ll try again when you come back.”

  “Okay.”

  As I head toward the break room, I sense it. The feeling that someone is watching me. I turn, expecting to find Lily’s eyes on me once again, but I can see her back through the door to the kitchen. Still, the hairs on my arms stand on end and my fingers are cold with fear.

  My senses have never steered me wrong before. I don’t intend to ignore them now.

  I keep walking but do a quick sweep of the restaurant. There are three sections of tables, and I get the distinct impression someone in one of the far side booths has his eyes on me. It’s darker in that half of the room. Once I’m safely tucked into the nearest hallway, I peek around the corner, but it’s no use. No matter how I squint, I still can’t make out the features of a guy in the back corner. It’s hard to tell with his hat so low and the collar of his coat up so high, but it’s like he’s staring right at me … right through me. I can’t remember Mary seating anyone at that table.

  “Hey,” Cam whispers from behind me, his lips so close, they almost touch my ear. I spin and hit him in the stomach with my fist. He grunts and doubles over.

  “I’m sorry.” I grimace and head farther down the corridor to the break room. “Why did you sneak up on me like that?”

  “I didn’t.” He’s still trying to get his breath back. “I called ‘Charlotte’ three times, but you didn’t respond. I didn’t want to shout your real name across the restaurant.”

  “Oh, I didn’t hear you.” I have to step closer to Cam to let Gino pass with a tray of food. I notice a slight shake of his head before he walks out into the dining room and I turn my attention to Cam.

  “What’s going on?” His eyes watch close, taking in my every movement. It’s unsettling.

  “I’m considering a change of careers already.” My shoulders slump forward. “I told you I wouldn’t be any good at this.”

  “Not that.” Cam reaches up to put one hand on my upper arm, but when my eyes widen he drops it again. “What happened just now? You seem spooked.”

  “Nothing.” I shrug. “I felt like someone was watching me.”

  His eyebrows drop lower. “Where?”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing.” The goose bumps on my arm tell me, and probably Cam, that it isn’t nothing. I rub my hand across my skin, planning to check it out myself when I’m done talking to Cam. My other hand keeps diving into my pocket and searching around for the bolt, even though I know it won’t be there. I silently curse myself again for forgetting it.

  “We both know you’re running from something. You hired me to help you.” His face is just above my ear and with two quick steps he switches our positions so I’m the one against the wall. “Tell me where he is.”

  I stare in his eyes, trying to show him I don’t need his help, but he doesn’t flinch.

  “Where?”

  “Fine. Far corner booth, left side.”

  He gives me a dark smile before stepping out into the dining room and leaving me alone in the hall. After a few deep breaths, I try to convince myself that this one time my senses were wrong. They were off somehow. Nothing a
nd no one was watching me.

  Cam returns, leads me down the hall past the break room and into an empty office currently being used for storage. I can’t tell anything from his expression.

  “Well?”

  “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” He shuts the door behind him.

  I’m starting to panic. Maybe my instinct was right. Had someone found the Parents’ bodies and connected them to me? Did they find me? That seems like a stretch. Or worse, was it possible they weren’t really dead?

  It couldn’t be. Images of blood-soaked clothing and carpets fill my vision as I drop onto the couch. Everything was over after they made me bury Sam. It was too late for any of us.

  Flashes of emotion, the pure wild fury, the way my vision slanted to one side, they all pound against my brain like captives against a locked door. Everything is vivid, the colors skewed until all I see is red. The Mother comes to get my chains after I throw the last shovelful of dirt over my brother’s body. When she clicks open the locks, she puts the knife to my back and tells me to go inside. I’ve seen her scars. I know what I am to her. She used to be the Father’s victim. He used to hurt her like he does me. That’s why she agreed to stay with him. They made a deal. I’m her substitute, her shield. Sam was an accident. They hadn’t wanted her to get pregnant. I’d heard them talking about it. I guess two shields were better than one. And now she’s grown to like the power of causing pain to others the same way the Father does.

  The Mother nudges me, causing the dull blade of her knife to cut into the skin of my back. It hurts, but I can’t feel the pain like I could before. She wants me back in my dark attic where Sam won’t be waiting for me. He won’t ever be with me again.

  “The Boy is gone. Go upstairs.”

  When I turn to face her instead, her stance is relaxed. She knows I won’t fight, I never have before. I was too afraid. Of what? That they’ll kill me? That would be a relief now. I deserve it after what I let them do to Sam.

  “His name is Sam.” My words are ice and fire, frigid and furious.

  She stumbles and then takes another step forward. “What did you say?”