Cut Me Free

by J. R. Johansson

  I pick it up but my fingers are numb, and when the lid pops off, the entire box slips free and lands with a thud on the cream-colored rug at my feet. It’s like blood, blood everywhere, pools of red spread across the carpet before me. I stumble back and fall to my knees. Then I see it. A fully blossomed red rose sticking out of the box on the floor. Rose petals.

  I gasp for breath and my head pounds from lack of oxygen. The abrupt release of tension makes me laugh as I scoop the petals into a pile and put them in the box with the now half-naked flower. My heart hurts as I think it must’ve been Cam, but he was with me tonight.

  Who else could it have been? Maybe he had it delivered, but it’s strange that he would use the name Piper. He seems too smart for that, too careful. I glance around and spot the lid on the floor beneath the table. When I bend down to retrieve it, my blood turns cold. There are four words, carved in deep gashes on the black silk inside the lid.

  The world around me slams to a stop. Nothing about this makes sense, but there is only one thing I can think of right now and Sam and I speak her name in unison.

  Sanda.

  Tossing the box in the trash, I fumble to undo my locks and rush down the stairs. Struggling to calm my ragged breathing, I pound on Janice’s door. The seconds drag on with no response—1—2—3—4—. I shove my ear against the wood and hold my breath, listening for a movement, a voice, a footstep. They are supposed to be here. I am supposed to protect her.

  “Sanda!” My voice is a hoarse, desperate plea. “Janice? Are you in there?”

  There is nothing.

  Find her now, Piper.

  I pace the entryway, willing my spiraling mind to settle with the rhythmic motion of my feet. They aren’t here. Janice didn’t mention taking them anywhere. Where could they be? Either they went out or …

  Or whoever left my box has taken her.

  The thought infects my brain like a virus, spreading fear along every nerve. It slinks down my spine and coats my feet in frost as I accept the possibility that it could be true.

  The door in the entrance hall opens behind me and I rush over, hoping to see Sanda. Cam’s furious eyes greet me, but when he sees my face the anger melts away.

  “Did you send me a box?” I grab his arm and jerk him in through the doorway.

  “What?” He shakes his head and turns around, trying to figure out what I’m talking about.

  I squeeze his forearm under my fingers, but the muscles don’t give much. “A box that held a red rose and said my name, my real name. Did you send it?”

  “No, I didn’t.” Cam’s jaw clenches, but I can’t read the emotion in his expression.

  “Do you have Janice’s phone number?” I try to relax my grip on his arm, but my fingers don’t cooperate. “The cell?”

  He pulls out his phone, pushes a few buttons, and places it in my palm. Concern replaces the fire in his eyes as he watches me push the phone hard against my ear.

  It takes me a moment to realize I can hear Janice’s ringtone coming from nearby. Tossing the phone to Cam, I push my ear against Janice’s door, but it isn’t coming from there. I spin around, listening, then the door in the entrance hall opens behind Cam and Janice walks through it, digging around in her purse for the ringing phone.

  “Oh, hello.” She finally retrieves her phone and blinks twice at the screen before raising her eyes to Cam in surprise. “Are you calling me?”

  “Yes,” Cam says, and turns a hard gaze on me. “But I’m not entirely sure why.”

  Sanda and Rachel squeeze through the doorway behind Janice. A grin spreads wide on Sanda’s face when she sees me. The breath I’ve been fighting for finally enters my lungs and I pull her into a tight hug.

  “Oh, no,” Janice says as she wrings her hands together. “I’m sorry, Charlotte. I didn’t think you’d be home so soon. I took the girls to the park.”

  “I—it’s okay. She’s okay. She’s okay.” I brush the back of Sanda’s hair with my fingers and try to get my pulse to slow to a normal rate. Janice’s eyes watch me with sympathy.

  “She’s just worried.” Cam’s voice sounds drained and I’m afraid to see his face so I squeeze Sanda harder. “I’m sure you understand.”

  When I pull back, Sanda’s eyes are full of fear and I shake my head with a small smile.

  “It’s fine, but I need to get your number so I can call you if this ever happens again.” I dig my phone out of my pocket and put in the number Janice gives me. She says she’s sorry three more times and finally goes inside.

  Cam watches me, waiting, but I’m not sure for what.

  “Thank you for your help.” I take Sanda’s hand and move toward the stairs.

  “That’s it?” His voice drips with disbelief. I stop, but don’t turn around. “Sanda, go see if your apartment door is locked.”

  Her eyes shift from me to him, but she waits for me to give her the okay.

  “It’s open.” I close my eyes tight for a moment and then release her hand. “Go ahead. I’ll be up in a minute.”

  She nods with wide eyes and walks up the stairs to the door. I wait until it closes before I turn back to Cam. His face is a storm of emotion and I can’t face the frustration I see there. My gaze drops to the floor and I wait.

  He paces back and forth for at least a minute before he lets out a low growl, walks to me, and touches my face with the palm of his hand. My heart leaps in my chest and I’m not sure whether it’s from panic or relief. I close my eyes but don’t move.

  His breath is warm on my face. The strain in his voice pains me. “Why do you always have to run?”

  “Why do you still want to be around me when you know it’s a bad idea?”

  Pulling back, he drops his hand and watches me close. “Is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  I groan and move a step away, unable to think straight while so distracted by the warmth of him. Nothing is better off than it was when I left the deli. Nothing has been resolved. He’ll still hate me when he finds out what I’ve done. “It won’t work.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “You don’t have to, but I do.” I turn and take the first two steps before he speaks again.

  “We aren’t done. You still owe me three answers.”

  “Fine, but not tonight.” I turn back to face him and I can’t hold it all in anymore. My voice cracks with emotion. “Please, Cam. It’s too much. No more tonight.”

  I see his will to argue crumple at my words. “Get some rest.” He sighs and I watch his slumped shoulders until he’s out the door and gone.

  * * *

  Once I’m sure it’s late enough, it only takes me twenty minutes to pack everything we own.

  “I don’t understand.” Sanda follows me around, rubbing her eyes as I pick up our lives and toss them in the suitcase. The first-aid kit, the money, the electric blanket, our clothes—everything I think we might need. I shake my head, giving no further explanation as I double-check that my bolt is in my pocket. She doesn’t need to understand. She only needs to be safe.

  I lock all the locks and I don’t realize how hard I’m breathing until the shine on one of the bolts fogs up. Tugging Sanda’s hand, I rush down the stairs and out onto the street. I don’t know where we’re going. I’m not even sure it matters, but we have to get away. Before someone new traps us, hurts us.

  The city looms over us, menacing and giving us chase. Every dark corner thwarts our escape. Buildings seem to tilt in farther with each step, threatening to collapse and bury us here—to become a city-size tomb, our forever prison.

  I turn left around a corner and notice a raspy hum mingling with the clicks of my suitcase wheels. Only when I stop to see what it is do I realize the humming is me, and the rasps are the sound of Sanda’s slippers on the sidewalk. Tears fall down her cheeks and shaking sobs roll through her body, but she doesn’t speak. My heart shatters with each drop.

  Others have been responsible for hurting her in the past
, but this pain is all mine to bear and I don’t know how to stop it without sacrificing her safety.

  Is this the life I’m building for her? One where she walks down a dark street in the middle of the night with only slippers on? Crying right next to me and I don’t notice? I’m too busy escaping to tell her to put on real shoes or not to be afraid. I’d let her believe we could have a future, that she could have friends and go to school. And then I’d let one black box rip it all away.

  You’re stronger than this, Piper. Be stronger for her.

  Kneeling down, I wrap my arms around her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  Sanda curls up against me and my shirt is immediately wet with her tears. “W-we have to go?”

  She deserves everything I promised her, a real life and a real home. We both do, and I’m so tired of running. Running toward safety that seems to elude me no matter how far I go. Is it even attainable or will I die still sprinting toward something that doesn’t exist? Sitting on the sidewalk beside the suitcase, I pull Sanda onto my lap and let my racing heart slow. For the first time since I escaped, I let myself settle into place. Maybe I’ve never felt at home, but Philly is as close as I’ve gotten. If I want to build a life here with Sanda, I’d better start defending it.

  I’ll do what I should’ve done before Sam died. This time I will fight before it’s too late, before I lose Sanda, too. I’ll stay and do everything I can to protect her. I won’t let anyone else hurt her. I won’t let them destroy our new life, and I refuse to break the promise I made her.

  I shake my head and rub my hand across her back. “No. We’re staying.”

  * * *

  “Welcome to Angelo’s. Table for four?” The words flow out with ease and I don’t seem to scare people as much as I used to. After seating them and giving them menus, I walk back to the host station. It’s a good thing this job has gotten easier because I’m only going through the motions. My mind refuses to be present. I can only think about the box with the message, the man in the park with his cigarette, Sanda and my decision to stay.

  “Hello, beautiful.” The smell of smoke and alcohol assaults my senses and I take an involuntary step back. A guy a little older than me is standing in the opening to the host station. My instincts kick in when I realize he’s blocking my escape and leaning toward me like he can’t quite get his balance.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” I try to reach around him to grab a menu, but he falls against my arm and I jerk it back. “A table for one or are you meeting someone?”

  “Even if I was meeting someone, I’d drop them for you, darlin’.” His words slur together and his eyes don’t quite focus on my face. I don’t have the time or patience for this loser, but the last thing I need is to give Lily another reason to hate me.

  “I’m working.” I hold my breath and reach around him for the menu again, and this time he drops his other arm around my neck. The weight of it pulls my face toward his chest. My skin crawls and every move Cam has taught me flies into my head at once. It takes me a moment to figure out which part of him I want to injure first.

  “Well, isn’t this cozy?” My head jerks up at the acidity in Lily’s voice and I shove my elbow against the guy’s rib cage. He pulls back with a painful gasp. Gino appears from out of nowhere, grabs his elbow, and escorts him out the door into the street.

  “Lily? Did you need something?” I breathe as the air clears and Gino heads back toward the kitchen. I want to thank him, but he doesn’t even look my way.

  “Cam is so worried about you that he called and asked me to check if you are all right.” Her eyes dart from me to the door the guy just left through. “I’ll be sure to let him know you’re just too busy with other things to answer your phone.”

  “Lily—” I stop, unwilling to defend myself to her against something so absurd. She has to know I was trying to get the guy off me; she just thinks I’m bad for Cam and will look for any evidence she can find to prove she’s right. I turn back to the menus and start organizing them, willing her to go away.

  “I knew this would happen,” she mutters under her breath, and laughs. The sound is biting as she walks around the host station and turns to face me. “My first impression was wrong, by the way. Suzanna would’ve fit you perfectly.” She saunters to the office without a glance back, her spine straight and head high—triumphant.

  I grab my phone out of the cubby below the podium. Five missed calls from Cam since this morning. An elderly couple walks in. I drop my phone back into the cubby and turn to face them, plastering my best non-scary smile on.

  “Table for two?”

  18

  Cam’s and Lily’s voices carry through the office door so well I can hear them from halfway down the hall. Of course, the fact that they’re both yelling probably helps. I’d spent the last hour of my shift working up the nerve to quit and now I freeze up, unsure of whether I want to be waiting out here after their argument. Even though my instincts are leaning toward the flight side of things, I stand my ground. While I appreciate Cam getting this job for me, working with someone who hates me just isn’t worth it, and after tonight’s episode I don’t expect it to get any better. I need to quit; I’ll wait here until I get the chance.

  And then I’ll never come back.

  “It doesn’t matter what she did.” Cam’s voice is lower now than when I first stepped into the hall. He’s trying to calm down. I’m not sure when he got here. He must’ve come in through the back entrance sometime during my shift. “The point is it’s none of your business.”

  “You’ll see.” Lily’s tone is stuck halfway between a plea and an order. “Someday soon, you’ll see I’m right about her.”

  “Don’t wish that on me, Lily.” The door opens and I backpedal quickly around the corner just before I hear her speak again, this time from the hallway I’d just left.

  “I tried to warn you,” Lily says, as she stomps down the hall to the empty dining room.

  “Lily,” I say before she can make it out the front doors.

  She pivots toward me, a sneer already stamped across her face.

  “I quit.” My voice is quiet but firm.

  Lily rolls her eyes, walks out the door, and turns to lock it behind her. I can see her lips moving through the glass window and can probably guess what she’s saying as she spins and stalks off into the darkness.

  The front of the restaurant is quiet. We’ve already cleaned our sections and done our prep work for the night. I can hear the kitchen staff finishing up and the occasional clang of a pot or a pan being put away. Other than that, it’s silent.

  “What will you do with the girl?” Gino speaks from inside the closest booth and I spin to face him. I didn’t realize he was here.

  “What?”

  “If you quit, will you give the girl away?” He stands up and walks closer until I’m backed against the wall.

  My hands are damp and cold as I realize who he’s talking about. My voice is quiet when I answer. “How do you know about her?”

  “I told you. I pay attention.” His eyes stare me down, and I can’t read any emotion behind them. He’s about to say more when Cam walks down the hall. Gino clamps his mouth shut and walks across the dining room to the kitchen.

  I’m confused and shaken, but Cam doesn’t even look at me or Gino. His eyes are still on the door, his mind still with Lily.

  “I quit.” I figure I might as well tell him, too.

  “I can’t blame you. I don’t understand what’s going on with her.” He doesn’t move, but his voice sounds sad and bewildered. “It’s more than her normal protectiveness—something else. It’s only been six months since Anna died. Guess she’s not exactly coping well.”

  “She’s not the only one around here acting weird.” I mean Gino, but I realize he might think I’m referring to him.

  He turns to me, exasperated. “Have you heard of the pot and the kettle?”

  I have no clue what he’s talking about, so I wait. When
I don’t respond, Cam pulls a chair out at the nearest table and waits for me to take it. Angling the chair so I can see the door to the kitchen, I sit, and Cam takes the one across from me. I don’t think there has ever been this much tension between us. I ache with it.

  “I’m ready for my last three answers,” he says, and then waits expectantly for me to tell him all my darkest secrets.

  “What if I’m not?” I mutter.

  “You are. And I need to know why you ran.” He reaches across, takes my hand in his, and squeezes gently. It’s so warm, so much bigger than mine. It soothes the tension with waves of calm. Besides Sam and Sanda, I’ve only ever held Nana’s hand. They were all small and cold. I study Cam’s and run my thumb across the back of it, amazed at the difference. With my brother, I was protecting him, but with Cam, it’s more like he’s protecting me.

  Don’t be afraid. Just say it.

  Drawing in a deep breath, I count to ten in my head as I let it out. As much as I have survived in my life, surely I can make it through this. Maybe I’m wrong … maybe he’ll understand. Nana always told me I was the strong one. It’s time to find that strength inside me and prove it. Curling my free hand into a tight, controllable fist, I brush my knuckles against the lump of the bolt in my pocket. I focus every piece of my energy on not letting my mind think about the things my mouth is about to say. Whatever Cam’s reaction, it will be better to know it now. I need to face it before I become even more attached, before the pain from his rejection will be unbearable.

  I watch, stalling, as the last few noises come from the kitchen. Then the staff turn out the lights as they leave through the back door. The lights in the dining room and the office are the only ones left on and it makes the room feel smaller and more intimate. Cam doesn’t rush me or even speak. He just waits until I’m ready.

  “Okay. No more counting questions,” I say. “I’ll just tell you what matters.”

  He hesitates. “As long as that includes why you ran away yesterday and why you think this won’t work.”

  “It does.”