The Stars Landing Deviant

by Jessica Gadziala

  stupid hope.

  I walked over to the door, a little more depressed than I was a moment before and pulled it open. And there was Emily. And James. And Devon. All of them looking too eager for it to be anything good.

  "We are taking you to get drunk and laid," James declared. "Put something sexy on and meet us downstairs."

  "What?" I asked, looking at Devon who shrugged. "Are you even old enough to drink?"

  "I'm twenty-three thank you very much," he said, pushing his glasses up on his face.

  "Look this is very nice..."

  "Save it," Emily said, shaking her head. "You're going. Your resistance is futile." She pushed into the room. "If you don't have anything to wear, you can borrow from me."

  "You're joking right?" I asked, looking at her long and lean, almost boyish figure. "Anything of yours would be obscene on me."

  "That's the point," James laughed and Emily smiled and slammed the door on them.

  "Come on, Cordy," she said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "You might be able to fool James and this town... but I can see right through the 'I'm not heartbroken, I'm just working hard' mask." She fiddled with the coins on my nightstand, stacking them neatly. "When James left, I was teeter-tottering between 'fuck it' and OCD. It was actually Dane who pulled me out of it. So I am going to do the same for you."

  "And getting me drunk and laid is how you plan on doing that?"

  "Well, drunk, yeah. You need to loosen up a bit. And spending another night crying isn't going to do you any good. So let's go pick out something slutty, put on way too much eye makeup... and have a good time. Sound good?"

  It did actually. Maybe it was what I needed. Not so much the alcohol or the meeting new men, but the friendship. That was what they were really offering me. And if I were being honest with myself, it was what I needed more than anything.

  "Sounds good," I agreed.

  She dragged me down to her room, reaching into the back of her dresser past all the skinny jeans and casual tops she wore from day to day and dragging out dresses that, on her, would be skimpy, on me... they might offend decency laws.

  "With those eyes and that hair," she said, pulling dresses upon dresses out. Apparently Emily used to have a lot of need for club dresses once upon a time. "I think... I have... yep. Here," she said, holding out an electric blue stretchy number that had a churning sensation start in my stomach. "Oh, don't give me that look. You know you have a good figure. It doesn't hurt to flaunt it occasionally."

  What the hell. If I was going to do it, I might as well do it right. I quickly slid out of my clothes and pulled on the dress which was tight enough that taking deep breaths seemed impossible. The bodice was cut so low that my breasts threatened to spill out of the top if I so much as leaned forward. My only saving grace was that the hemline, that on Emily would have exposed a huge amount of thigh, on me was almost demure. It wasn't often I was thankful for being short, but this was one of those times.

  Emily pulled on a black dress, so short I swear it was going to be a dangerous game of trying not to flash anyone when she crossed her legs, then fussed over my makeup, then hers, before declaring we were ready to go.

  We ended up two towns over, James generously offering to be the designated driver which was good because Devon took off with some pretty brunette half an hour after we arrived and apparently Emily and I were very similar drunks: silly and flirty and in desperate need of a chaperon. James fetched lost items, intercepted when men got too hands-y, and made the bartender cut us off before we made real fools of ourselves.

  "You have pretty eyes," I said, hanging on him as he led us to the car.

  "Thanks," he said, unlocking the door. "I grew them myself."

  I laughed so hard that I was on the ground with Emily, both of us holding our middles as James smiled down at us in an amused older brother kind of way. "Alright, in the car," he said, reaching down and hauling me up and pushing me into the backseat.

  "Your car is pretentious," I grumbled, lying down against the cool leather seat.

  "He's sooooo rich," Emily supplied, turning in the passenger seat to face me. "I mean... look at this ring," she said, thrusting her left hand toward me. And sure enough, there was a huge rock on her ring finger. I don't know how I missed it earlier.

  "I didn't know he proposed," I said, sitting up and slapping the back of his head hard enough to make it jerk forward.

  "Hey, no hitting the driver," he said, glancing at me in the rearview. "And I didn't think it was appropriate to rub that in your face right now."

  "She's not a baby, James," Emily spat, squinting her eyes at him. "She can handle our happiness. Even if she's devastated because the man she loves knocked up some chick from..."

  "Em," James broke in, his voice a warning.

  "I'm not devastated," I objected, pulling off my seatbelt so I could lie across the whole backseat, my feet propped against the window. "I'm good. I'm great. I'm... buzzing," I said, feeling my skin vibrate from a mix of booze and the motion of the car.

  "Remind me to never take you guys out to drink without reinforcements again," he said.

  "Yeah," I said, rousing. "Dev just abandoned us. He wasn't supposed to be the one getting laid. I was!"

  "Easy tiger," James said, pulling down Main Street. "Alright," he said, getting out of the car and walking around to help a suddenly very sleepy Emily out of her seat. "I am going to go bring her inside. You don't get into any trouble."

  "I'm just gonna take a walk around the..." I waved a hand at the property around the inn.

  "Okay," he said, looking around, "but don't go too far. I am going to come out and look for you in like fifteen."

  I waved a hand, slipping out of my shoes on the sidewalk and making my way around the inn, the night grass cool on my sore feet. I wasn't typically a 'take a walk' kind of person. I guess when you lived in a city, the idea of just walking usually meant being shoved this and that way by the hoards of people on the street and dodging the crazy people spouting off about government spying or the end of the world. There was nothing fun or relaxing about it.

  But this was nice. I was utterly alone. The sky was dark, the moon a bright crescent oflight that made me at once feel connected to the universe and so lonely it was painful. There was an owl somewhere out in the distance and crickets chirping in the woods.

  "You coming in yet?" A voice yelled, and I turned to see James standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

  "No, it's nice out here."

  "Alright, but no more sleeping in the woods. If I have to send out a search party for you, I'm gonna be pissed."

  I smiled, shaking my head. "Goodnight James."

  "Goodnight Cordy."

  The silly stage of drunk was fading, pulling in its wake the depression that I knew would come. If you drink when you're sad, the comedown is always a thousand times worse than the feelings you were trying to drown in the first place.

  I never paid much attention to my loneliness before, though I am sure it was always there in the background. There was always work get done and traveling to do. There were the occasional dates. Books that needed to be read. I had gotten comfortable in my alone-ness. Maybe it was okay with me because I never really had a clue about what I was missing out on before. Even when I dated, was in relationships, there was always a separation. And maybe it was me. Maybe it was my guards and my fear. Which was likely why they all ended.

  But things were different now. Because I knew what it was like to be completely lost in another person. To know their soul better than I knew my own. I knew that connection. And now I knew what it was like to lose it. To feel the swarming nothingness that was loneliness.

  I moved away from the inn, walking down Main Street, taking a sort of comfort in its abandonment. I looked in the bookstore, seeing Liam still inside, sitting on top of the counter in the cafe reading a book. I rushed past, not wanting to be caught half drunk in a slutty dress on

 
; the street in the middle of the night.

  "Cordy?"

  Oh, great. Wonderful. That was just freaking perfect.

  I kept walking like I hadn't heard him, but I was at the end of the stores and all I could do was turn and walk past him or cross the street and walk past the bar and his apartment which was probably where he was heading.

  "Cordy," he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to a stop.

  "What?" I asked turning, trying to ignore the slight swirling in my head the motion caused.

  "Are you drunk?"

  "Not anymore," I said, taking as deep a breath as the unforgiving fabric would allow. He looked too good. I needed to get the hell away from him. Nothing good could come from this.

  "I was at the bar all night. I didn't..."

  "I went out of town," I said, lifting my chin slightly.

  "With who?" he asked, his golden eyes too bright in the moonlight.

  "I don't see how that's relevant," I said, knowing I should just tell him. He would figure it out eventually. It was juvenile of me to want him to think I was with another man. To be jealous.

  "Where are your shoes?"

  I looked dumbly down at my feet. Jesus Christ. What was with me and losing my shoes around this town? I had never in my life just... ended up barefoot before. But there I was, barefoot, for the third time since arriving in Stars Landing. "I left them somewhere," I shrugged, looking back up.

  "Where?"

  "It doesn't matter," I said, running a hand through my hair. This was going nowhere. I needed to get away. I needed to get some space, some air. I felt like I was suffocating. Like he was sucking in all the oxygen.

  "Well it matters if you were as shitfaced as you were at the bar that one time and had no idea what you were doing. God, anyone could have..."

  "And it's none of your concern anymore," I shot back, my voice way too loud. I took a breath, counting to three before I spoke again. "Goodbye, Dane," I said, turning and moving down the side of the building.

  But I barely got around the corner before he was grabbing me, turning me and pushing me against the building. "It's my concern," he said, his voice angry. "Everything about you concerns me. I care about you," he said, grabbing the sides of my face hard. "I fucking love you."

  "Well that's unfortunate because..."

  But I never got to finish my sentence because his mouth came down on mine, hard and hungry and full of the longing that was all too familiar to me. So I kissed him back, my arms going around his neck and pulling him tightly against me. His tongue slipped into my mouth, his hands sliding from the sides of my face, down my sides and around my back, holding me tight and pulling me off my feet.

  I had him. Right in that moment I had him. But I still wanted him so badly it hurt. He lowered me onto my feet, his mouth moving to my neck, making my head hit the wall behind me, looking up at the sky. His hand slid over my chest, grabbing my breasts through my dress, making my nipples push out hard against the fabric. He squeezed the points slightly before his hands moved downward, over my hips, down the side of my thighs. He grabbed the hem of my dress, then went to his knees, kissing the bare skin as he slowly pushed my skirt upward around my waist.

  He kissed the swatch of fabric covering my need, reaching up to pull it down, looking up at me, his eyes full of something that made my breath catch in my throat. I stepped out of my panties and he slowly tilted his head downward. His hand slid down my leg, grabbing my knee and pulling it up and over his shoulder. Then his tongue was against me, soft, barely a whisper of a touch that made a whimper escape my lips, my hands going down onto his head, slipping into his soft hair.

  He pulled away, looking up at me with hungry eyes. "You taste so good, baby," he said, ducking his head and stroking his tongue over my clit once. I moved against him, wanting more. Needing more. A week without him, a week with dreams so vivid I woke up crying out for him, had my body taut, every inch of me a rigid stretch of desire. "Come on, let me taste you come," he said against me, his breath warm on my sensitive skin. His finger slipped inside as his lips went around my clit and sucked gently, making me cry out as my orgasm pulsated through me.

  He moved back up to me, kissing me gently as I recovered, his finger still inside me, stroking, exploring, driving me back upward again. I reached between us, grabbing clumsily at his button and zipper and I heard him chuckle before his teeth bit into my lower lip. I reached inside his jeans, grabbing his straining hardness and stroking it quickly, with as much urgency as I felt.

  I needed him inside me. I needed him. Like I needed air.

  My leg went up around his back, my hand to his hip to pull him closer. I held his cock, leading him toward my slick entrance. His finger slid out of me and he brought it up to his mouth, slipping it inside to taste me again.

  My head fell back against the wall as I felt the head of his cock press inside my body, familiar, and my body tightened around him, holding him close. He made a low, growling sound as he pushed slowly forward, burying deep. His head fell to my shoulder. "God, I fucking missed you," he said, rocking his hips gently into mine.

  I turned my face to rest against his as my hands went around his neck. We had done it a lot of ways: fast and hard and passionate. But never truly gently. Not like this. It felt like it was full of some kind of deeper meaning. And if I let myself think about it, I would know that the meaning was that this was the last time. This was the last time I would have him inside me. This was the last time I would feel this connected to him.

  I pressed against his hips as he slid forward, wanting him as deep as possible, wanting every inch of him. "You feel so good, Cordy," he said near my ear, making my belly flutter in a rush of butterflies.

  I squeezed him tighter, words beyond me as he pushed me up, up, up with an excruciatingly slow, unhurried pace. Like he recognized as mush as I did that this was it for us. My orgasm felt coiled somewhere deep inside, threatening to spring free at any moment. I pulled slightly backward so I could look at him, he lifted his head, watching my eyes as he rocked forward one last time and I fell.

  Down, down, down. Deeper into myself, being completely consumed by my orgasm, my body pulsating, pulling at him hard. I cried out his name and his eyes closed for a second, then opened as he pressed forward a few more times before his hands grabbed me and his breath caught. "Cordy," he growled softly as he came deep inside me.

  I collapsed against him and he pressed me against the wall, our arms around each other, just lost in the aftermath. I took deep breaths, taking in his scent, trying to commit it to memory so I could never forget it. The woods and dryer sheets.

  There were so many words that needed to be said, the silence was pregnant with them, but mine felt heavy on my tongue. And his didn't come either.

  I squeezed him tightly, planting a light kiss on his lips. "I love you," I admitted, my eyes closed tight. "I always will."

  "Cordy, I ..."

  "Dane?" A voice called, sweet and feminine. My eyes sprang open to find his full of dread and I knew without question who it was.

  I heard the footsteps on the sidewalk, coming closer. I slammed hard against the wall as I sprang from him. My leg hit the ground hard as he slid out of me. "Shit," I cursed, hearing the footsteps just on the other side of the building. I stooped, grabbing my panties, and ran behind the building.

  I didn't stop running until I was at the back of the sheriff's office, across the street from the inn. I collapsed against the wall, holding my middle. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," I groaned, rocking back and forth as I held myself.

  There was a lot of things I could let myself be: needy, pathetic, wanton. But I couldn't. I absolutely could not be the other woman. There was nothing worse you could do to another woman than taking her man when you knew without a doubt he was not available. It was weak and immoral. No matter the situation. It didn't make it alright because he loved me, not her. It didn't make it okay because she swooped into town and stole him awa
y from me. He was hers now. And I had to respect that.

  A gasp caught in my throat as the tears threatened again.

  "Cordelia!" Dev's voice called.

  "I warned you about the damn search party!" James chimed in.

  I put a hand over my mouth to keep my hiding spot secret, but even as I did, a shadow fell on me from the side and there was Devon. "Oh, honey," he said, shaking his head. He retreated a step, making himself visible from the street and called to James. "I found her," he said. "Go back to Em. I'll bring her home."

  "Is she alright?"

  He glanced back at me, a vague, pathetic mess of the girl I usually was. "Yep. Never better. See you in the morning." He came up next to me, reaching out and dragging my skirt down to a more decent length. "Are those your panties?" he asked, nodding toward my hand. At my look of absolute horror, he chuckled, standing up and turning his back to me. "Why don't you slip back into those? I promise I wont look."

  I slipped into the swatch of fabric, inwardly berating myself with new and inventive words. Jesus Christ. How do you explain getting caught out at night with your panties in your hand?

  "So you ran into Dane," Dev said, his tone passive. He turned back at my choked sound, both a laugh and cry at the same time. "You know when we said we were going to get you laid," he said, smirking, "we meant by someone new."

  "God, I'm so stupid," I groaned, burying my face in my hands.

  "What is that Jane Austen quote?" he asked, sitting down next to me, "something about how we all turn into fools when we're in love or something like that." He bumped my shoulder with his. "Look... backsliding is inevitable in this kind of situation."

  "It doesn't excuse it."

  "No," he agreed, slapping a hand down on my leg with a sound that carried in the quiet night, "but you cant beat yourself up about it forever either."

  "Wanna bet?" I asked, shaking my head. I would roll this around in my head day and night for the rest of my life. Because that's how my brain worked. I always focused on my screw ups. "So how was the brunette?"