Blood of the Pure (Gaea)
Page 33
The alarm sounded too late in my mind.
Had he been awake, his terrible presence would had never allow me to digress like that! The small, sharp pain that I had so successfully ignored up till now became stronger and frighteningly real. And once more I realized I was escaping reality, as if that would solve anything.
The truth was, although I didn’t want to admit it, and it made me really angry and frustrated to do so, I’d felt true relief seeing him return unharmed. I knew that, even though I had every reason in the world to do so, I hadn’t really wished for his death. Sure, he terrified me beyond reason, but other than that, all the other reasons for his presence in my life, like the Contract I had been forced to accept, tended to progressively dilute themselves, slowly integrating into my everyday life. Lately, I had to try hard to constantly remind myself of my own situation and, had it not been for Steph’s involvement in all that mess, which had made his true nature perfectly clear, I’d probably even forgot to constantly keep that knowledge present in my mind.
I couldn’t deny he intrigued me, since I could never seem to understand his logic or predict his next move, and I felt as curious about him as he felt about my world. Maybe it was that that now made me look differently at him … or that made me wonder about what he might be feeling, if he was able to feel at all, when I caught him appreciating something that no one else stopped to appreciate.
I didn’t want to change! Yet, I didn’t know how to avoid it. Probably that sleeping face that mysteriously had been able to stir up my heart was proof enough I had no salvation.
I went back to my room deep in thoughts that, although logical, were a confusing mixture of memories, conjectures and antagonistic feelings.
I reminded myself of my everyday life, of my gray, dull routine, before he’d shown up in my room, turning everything upside down. That my other self had gone through life without leaving a single mark and without allowing anything else to come close enough to leave a mark on me. The only one able to make me feel awake, to bring a hint of color into my otherwise gray life, had been Michael, and so I had loved him. It was inevitable.
And suddenly, between the anguish, the pain, and the tears that I was never able to cry, my world was brimming with the most shocking colors, and foreign feelings vibrated all through my body, thoughts consuming me until I felt completely lost, until I couldn’t understand anything anymore.
I’d been nothing but a shadow, yearning for and silently adoring a faraway light. Now the shadow was being dragged by a furious hurricane and, between the desperate attempts not to lose my precious light from sight, and all the others to keep escaping the darkness that threatened to swallow me whole, all I could do was keep fighting, trying not to drown inside of myself.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hmm. What shall we have for lunch?” I asked.
After spending the whole night turning and tussling without getting any real sleep until it was almost dawn, I’d ended up waking up well past noon. However, and to my relief, Gabriel had stayed home and now sat in the living room, waiting for lunch.
“Let’s see, what’s left in the freezer. I really have to take a trip to the supermarket today,” I muttered and Lea dragged a chair to my side, climbing on it to peer inside the freezing compartment.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to one of the few bags left and I grabbed it to look inside.
“Looks like steaks. I guess we can have these with some mushrooms. How about it?”
“And can we have fries? And that egg that looks like a sun?” His silver eyes shined like stars as I closed the door.
“Really, sometimes you’re just like a Human child!” I pointed out, taking a clean plate from the cupboard.
“I am?” Lea asked, sounding intrigued, and I nodded.
“Yes, you are. Always happy with the smallest things.”
“Because they’re all things I’ve never seen before. They don’t exist in my world, you know?” he added, now sorrowful, and I looked back at him.
“But you have all these amazing powers. Surely you can get a pizza or two if you want.” I disputed and Lea sat on his chair, his small legs dangling back and forth.
“Well, when I said my world, I wasn’t really talking about the whole world. Only about of the world I know. Of course things like that exist, I suppose. It’s like you say. There are some very powerful Deiwos and I’m sure they can get anything they want. But in my world, there’s only darkness.”
“Are you talking about before you met him?” I asked, but Lea shook his head.
“No, before Master found me I hadn’t even that. Only fear, and more fear. But then Master gave me this body, and I decided to stay with him. Maybe if I had left, I’d end up seeing and trying many other things. But, since I didn’t, I started living in Master’s world.”
I recalled the feeling I had last night as I watched him sleep. “Darkness,” I muttered and he nodded sadly.
“Yes. And great empty halls with no windows, with no furniture, always silent. The only place filled with something is the library. Master has a big collection of books. He used to spend his days reading, sitting at this one table, under the light of a candle.”
“But why? I mean, he has so much power,” I wondered out loud and couldn’t help alert myself I was again trying to pry into things that were none of my concern. After all, how could details like that mean anything to me? To better understand him? What for? If in the end all that united us was a simple exchange — my body for Michael’s love.
“Things aren’t that simple,” Lea was saying. “There are many rules and the hierarchy must always be respected. And even amongst the strongest, there’s always fear. That’s something I learned. I always thought that only the weak are afraid. But even the strongest are, too, sometimes, and when they are afraid, their fear is even more intense.” That grown-up tone always reminded me that that child was no child at all. “Fear of dying isn’t that bad at all. Fear of losing everything you have is much worse. And Master has always been feared by everyone, ever since he was a child.”
That painful vibration echoed in my chest, almost as if someone had given a tug on the invisible threads that bound my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces. I couldn’t tell how long those frightening threads had been there, or how they’d come to wrap themselves so tightly around my heart. All I knew was that they had the power to completely destroy me in a single moment, like it had almost happened in that dark alley the day before.
I took some potatoes from the basket near the sink and started peeling them.
Always feared, ever since childhood, I thought. Then he’d really been alone his entire life. When someone is feared like that, even when sharing the same space with someone else, it’s as if there’s no one there, just as it happened with me. Or maybe it was even worse. Having someone beside him who could hardly look him in the eye, who shivered with his every small movement, who tried to run away at the slightest sign of change. I could easily imagine the loneliness and the sadness of having to live with someone like that. And that’s why he loved Lea, I concluded. Lea was the only one who hadn’t run away, who’d remained beside him even when he’d tried to get rid of him. Because when we don’t have anyone, there’s no other way than starting to believe we don’t need anyone. Lea had penetrated his defenses, and had won through persistence. He’d seen his world of darkness and remained by his side. In the end he had become his light.
I scolded myself immediately and unloaded my frustration on the innocent potatoes, cutting them into fries. That was exactly what I couldn’t allow to happen! Me, measuring his thoughts and feelings as if they were my own, as if they belonged to any other Human Being. He was not Human! He probably couldn’t even feel any of that!
And so I dropped the subject and concentrated on what would soon be our lunch.
When the food was almost ready, I placed the clean dishes on the table and Lea did the rest, setting the table. By the time he was done, a d
elicious smell filled the air, and he raised his head taking a deep breath, complimenting me on how wonderful everything smelled.
“Stop that!” I scolded him, trying to slap a thieving hand, but he managed to be much faster that I could ever be, stealing a fry and blowing on it before sticking it in his mouth.
“Very good.”
“Yeah, right! No more stealing!” I ordered and he seemed disappointed that his compliment hadn’t done much in placating my anger. “And go get him. He’s in the living room, right?” I asked, although I’d much rather simply forget his presence. But Lea didn’t move an inch, looking at me with a serious expression. “So? He’s there, right?” I persisted, and he nodded, still stunned.
“Yeah, but ... you want me to get him?” he asked, sounding surprised, and I understood the reason for his hesitation.
“Well, he’ll end up showing up anyways. And he’s been staying outside all this time to let me work in peace, right? I’m not blind, you know? I know he is always trying, one way or the other, to make things easier for me,” I unwillingly admitted. “And I... since I can’t really escape any of this, I might as well try and do the same. Fighting against the ropes that bind me can only bring me more pain.” I took a deep breath, smiling at his serious expression. “So, if you don’t mind, go and call him. It’s the only way I have to repay the fact that he didn’t make me endure his presence up till now.”
Lea left, without a word, and I placed the still boiling pan of steaks with mushrooms on the table. I had just set down the fries when they came back.
His presence made my hands and knees tremble, and my heartbeat picked up, but I was still able to control myself enough to act with some measure of sincerity. I managed to look at him, for brief moments, and the slight smile that touched his perfect lips bothered me. He seemed to be in an unusually good mood.
Gabriel took his place on the other end of the table, as far as possible from mine, and Lea jumped to his chair, clearly happy with what awaited him. I served his plate, as he eagerly followed my every move, and almost expected him to clap when I finally placed it in front of him. He ate, complimenting me on everything and on the same thing more than once, every time he filled his mouth. His excited voice filled the air that in his absence would surely have been awkwardly silent.
I noticed, by the few peeks I dared throw Gabriel’s way, that he also ate with pleasure, seeming especially intrigued with the different textures of his fried egg. I smiled watching him pierce the yolk with his fork and almost laughed when he uselessly tried to stop it from spilling all over his plate.
In those things he was almost like Lea, I thought, with the difference that Lea always said exactly what he thought, while he was more silent and observant.
“Mari? Can we come with you this afternoon?” Lea asked with a broad smile, cleaning his plate with two fries, and I just couldn’t answer. His ‘we’ didn’t go unnoticed, quite the opposite. His question had undoubtedly included Gabriel. And although I didn’t wish to refuse Lea’s company, I wished I could avoid having to deal with the physical pain that having Gabriel around implied. However, and as much as it displeased me, I knew I couldn’t leave him behind. I’d already left him alone the whole morning. I didn’t want to risk repeating the feat in the afternoon.
“Sure we can.” Gabriel’s deep, soft tone gave me the usual shivers. “After all, Mari promised that she’d spend the weekend with us,” he added, staring at me, challenging me to say otherwise.
“This way you can help me,” I said, smiling at Lea, ignoring Gabriel’s provocation. “It’ll be much faster.” Lea jumped from his chair, clapping enthusiastically, partially erasing the bitter taste that filled my mouth. I couldn’t escape those binds, but being so pointedly reminded of their existence was never pleasant.
After we ate Lea help me with the dishes, anxious to finish them up so we could leave. I went upstairs to get my wallet and when I came back they were both waiting for me by the front door.
The cold wind outside made me pull up the collar of my coat and the gray, cloudy sky warned me that it might be a good idea to take an umbrella.
Lea waited to hold my hand, his sunglasses with little fish back on his face, and I couldn’t help shivering at the sight of his naked legs below his knee-length blue shorts. Lea, however, was so excited about our afternoon walk that he seemed unable to feel cold. Besides, I’d already noticed neither of them felt cold the same way I did.
Gabriel stood on the other side of the road, allowing me to take the lead, which I did without sparing him a single look, and then he fell in behind us, his silent footsteps making me wonder if he was actually there.
We went down Lewisham Street and then turned north. The supermarket was relatively close and we were there in less than fifteen minutes.
Lea stopped, like he’d stopped before the sight of the Westminster Cathedral, eyes wide open, his moth gawking, and he gasped in disbelief.
“This huge house ... it’s filled with things to eat?” he asked and I nodded, unable to stop myself from smiling as I looked down at him. “Oh, Tes ... co.” He read the huge red letters out loud. “Is it the name of the owner of this amazing place?”
“Hmm, I don’t think so. It’s only the name of the place. Places like this don’t belong to only one person,” I supposed and Lea nodded, still very much impressed.
“I see. I wonder, is it too expensive to buy one of these houses? I’d really like to have one.”
I laughed and pulled him towards the door. “For now, just be happy to buy some of the things inside the house,” I suggested as the doors opened automatically.
“Ah! Magic!” His sudden accusation startled me and he turned back urgently, pointing his small accusatory finger at the glass doors. “Master! Magic!” he insisted, his child-like voice sounding too high pitched, and I pulled him across the door, blushing when two women turned to look inquisitively at us.
“No, it’s not! Stop saying nonsense!” I scolded him and dared to look over my shoulder, fearing that my other demon might think alike, dreading what he might do against the innocent doors. But to my relief Gabriel looked unimpressed, and I stayed focused on keeping Lea’s hand firmly gripped in mine.
“Not magic?” he insisted, sounding disappointed, and I took a deep breath.
“Most Humans do not possess that kind of power,” Gabriel explained, “and those who do don’t use it in public, for fear of being persecuted and condemned if they did.” He practically whispered the words, but even with the distance between us, I could hear him perfectly clear, probably even better than if he’d been standing right beside me.
“Really?” Lea asked, looking up at me as if he felt sorry for me, and sighed when I didn’t deny it. “What a shame.”
I placed a coin in the mechanism to release a shopping cart and Lea’s attention was immediately turned towards this new toy, asking me to push it, running with the cart down the corridor.
“Slow down!” I shouted after him. “And be careful not to hit anyone!” I doubted he heard me.
Watching Lea run and laugh, while people went about their lives, almost made the incident from the day before seem like an imaginary nightmare. For my mind, eager to retain any measure of normality, the fear and tension of those moments had already begun to dilute. There, in my small, protected world, no strange dark creature would come out of the shadows to disturb the peace. At least that was what I wanted to believe.
Trying to divert Lea’s attention from his cart racing, I asked him to search for some things on my shopping list, and he happily skipped down the aisle.
“You know, you really didn’t have to come here. All you had to do was tell me what you needed.” Again, that voice. I took a box of cereal from the shelf and put it in my cart. I considered getting angry at his suggestion, but his tone hadn’t been smug or conceited. And I understood my actions puzzled him. After all, why go to those lengths when everything could be easily solved with a single thought or a wish?
“I see, although I can’t really say I understand.”
Lea came back running, showing me what he’d brought me, and I thanked him, giving him a new task. He smiled happily and ran away once again, allowing me to turn my attention towards the various packets of cookies in front of me.
“The chocolate ones.” I heard his velvet voice and couldn’t help raising my head to look at him in surprise. He stood like a lean dark shadow, almost on the other end of the aisle, and slowly raised his pale hand to point the shelf right in front of me, his expression serious and decided.
“You want ... these ones?” I tried to make sure, not knowing what to think, and reached for a packet of chocolate cream cookies right above my head. His hand dropped with that same slowness and he simply nodded.
I placed the packet in the cart and reached for another, trying as hard as I could not to laugh. Just like Lea, who’d insisted I buy him a huge red lollipop as soon as he’d entered the supermarket, I mused.
I pushed the cart, turning my back on him so he wouldn’t notice my persistent smile, and stopped by the bread.
I was choosing a bag of buns, knowing Lea would love them, when I thought I heard his voice calling me urgently. My head shot up as I looked around, searching for him, and then, without a thought, my feet were running down the main corridor.
I found him two aisles down from where I’d left my cart, perched on one of the highest shelves, which he’d obviously climbed and from where he seemed unable to come down. I ran to him noticing he kept his eyes closed, tears of fear streaming down his cheeks; his sunglasses fallen to the ground.