Portraits

by Cynthia Freeman

  Her life centered around her children, but she was careful not to believe she possessed them. True to her promise that long ago day in the park, she maintained the attitude that they were gifts, to be cherished and enjoyed. She did not expect perfection from them and was grateful that they had developed as two well-adjusted and delightful teen-agers. She was a mother who tried to understand the needs of her children and the importance of allowing them to express themselves. She trusted them, and, not surprisingly, they adored her.

  She had made it a point not to confuse her childhood with Michele’s, but there was, nonetheless, a tremendous gratification that Michele was the kind of normal adolescent who dated and talked on the phone for hours about all the things girls talked about. Gary was a popular boy. Doris was terribly proud and happy for her children.

  And then, just as Doris was beginning to feel her life was moving forward, the bombs of Nagasaki and Hiroshima not only ended a war, but also Henry’s success. The patients he had acquired gradually began going back to their former doctors. His practice had somehow never developed on its own, and his earnings began to diminish. Once again Doris had the old fears, could see her lifestyle being taken away…what to do? She would supplement Henry’s income, she would try out her Godgiven talent, such as it was…She would get off her duff and pick up her pen and start to write…

  She hardly met with any national acclaim, but if she was anything, she was prolific and hard-working. Her financial needs spurred her on to keep submitting her work in spite of numerous rejections, and gradually she began to sell to some small magazines. The turning point came when she received a letter from a national women’s magazine saying that a serial she had submitted had been accepted. Her joy was far greater than the revenue, but it did help to pay the taxes on the house. She felt wonderful.

  Henry had suggested that they sell the house, but this time Doris refused. She knew what would happen. The money they’d get from the sale of the house would gradually disappear and soon she’d find herself moving from one place to another. At any cost, she was going to stay in the house in Seacliff. She continued with her chores during the day, wrote in every free moment and far into the night. If she couldn’t have anything else, she was going to live with dignity in her life.

  There were other ways Doris changed during this period. In order to salvage her self-esteem, she dieted until she found herself with a slender, attractive figure. Her exceptionally green eyes had become more expressive with time, and she’d had her hair straightened. In fact, a complete metamorphosis had taken place. She began to believe in the beauty Henry had always seen in her, and she had acquired a natural elegance and ease. Her hair had turned prematurely gray with light streaks of silver, and instead of making her look older it only added to her beauty. Now she had the ability to wear an inexpensive dress with such flair that her friends were under the impression that she dressed rather extravagantly. But if she was more aware of herself now, it was not a matter of conceit or vanity. Fat Doris had simply begun to take charge of her life instead of eating it away…

  The years after the war were an uphill battle for the Levins, but with Doris’ contribution to their income they managed to get by without changing the way they lived in any substantial way.

  It was 1952 now, and Michele had grown into a beautiful young woman who everyone said was even prettier than Elizabeth Taylor. In truth, the resemblance was very strong. At eighteen, she was seriously dating a young attorney whose law firm had been established long ago by his grandfather, and now they were planning to get married. Joshua Wolf was everything Doris could want in a son-in-law.

  It was all wonderful, except that Doris found herself caught up in the deceptive facade she had created by a lifestyle they could barely afford. Michele wanted a large wedding, and if anybody knew the importance of that it was Doris. Had she been a woman who thought with her head instead of her heart she would have been honest with Michele, would have told her, “Darling daddy and I would love to give you a big wedding but the truth is, we really can’t afford it. You can be married in temple and have a lovely open house reception here at home…” But thinking back to the disappointment of her own wedding, Doris couldn’t bring herself to do that.

  The day they shopped for Michele’s wedding gown at I. Magnin, Michele fell in love with one that was far more expensive than Doris could afford. But when she looked at her daughter’s violet eyes and saw the bright excitement in them, she knew she would take it on time and pay it off. The trousseau was expensive, especially since Michele needed two wardrobes—one for a Mediterranean cruise and one for San Francisco when she returned to take her place as a young matron.

  The financial burden was heavy, as Henry told Doris, adding that in his present situation the extravagances just weren’t justified. He was a man of moderate means, Doris was making up for her own lost youth and living it through Michele…Doris refused to accept that last explanation and in fact felt that Henry was pretty insensitive to make such a remark. Besides, he had no idea how important it was for a girl to be able to look back on her wedding day. “Somehow, Henry, we’ll be able to do it. Let’s give this to Michele, we’ll do without other things—”

  “Why should we do without? Does she need anything so lavish?”

  When Doris thought on it, she had to admit he was more honest than she was. Their so-called affluence was a sham, and she knew it. She secretly resented that Henry hadn’t done more to make it a reality, but she tried to rise above the anger—as she had for so many years. She was determined that Michele would have this most important day, no matter what the cost.

  She bought a blue chiffon dress for the wedding in a small specialty shop for thirty-nine ninety-nine, and with her own hands she beaded the entire skirt. Henry’s white tie and tails were rented, as were Gary’s.

  When the bills began to arrive for the ten bridesmaids’ dresses, Henry hit the ceiling. “Why does she need ten bridesmaids? This is turning into an MGM extravaganza.”

  “Henry, these are Michele’s dearest friends, girls she’s gone all through school with. And those dresses are the least expensive I could get, believe me.”

  “Twenty dollars times ten is two hundred dollars, Doris. Frankly, I think this whole thing is ridiculous.”

  “Please, Henry, we’ve been through this. Remember, we’re not going to have to furnish a home for them…she’s marrying a very wealthy young man and somehow we’ll weather these expenses.”

  Over Henry’s protest, Doris sold her engagement ring for five thousand dollars. Michele was going to have the wedding of her dreams…

  During the three months of their engagement, the couple were fêted extensively, with any number of Jewish mothers in the community looking on from the sidelines and envying Doris Levin for having her daughter Michele pluck the most eligible plum—indeed, Michele and Joshua became known as the most beautiful couple in San Francisco.

  Josh Wolf and his family loved Michele, with good reason. She was warm and sweet, and the fact that she was not the least bit impressed with her beauty endeared her to almost everyone who knew her. Doris had explained through the years that being beautiful was like having a talent. It was merely a fact of life one was privileged to enjoy, and not too much credit should be taken since it wasn’t something one earned. What counted most was what went on behind the facade. Doris should know…

  They were married at Temple Emanuel. The chuppah was magnificently adorned with a crown of roses, lilies of the valley, carnations and white satin streamers. The gold candelabra glowed, and two giant, flower-filled urns adorned the altar.

  Doris was escorted down the aisle by Gary, then she sat next to Henry’s mother in the first row alongside his family. When the wedding march began, she turned to see Michele in her magnificent gown and veil, holding onto Henry’s arm. Whatever the cost, the sight of this was well worth it…

  When they were pronounced man and wife, Josh lifted Michele’s veil and kissed her for so long that there
were stifled laughs…which he was unaware of. Then the smiling bride and groom walked hand in hand back up the aisle and waited in the stone foyer to greet the two hundred and fifty guests. Pictures were taken of the bride and groom, smiling adoringly at each other, then of the ensemble of ten bridesmaids and ushers with the bride and groom standing in front of them. And finally pictures of the families. But Josh only had eyes for his Michele. Amid a flurry of excitement, she was being escorted now out of the temple to a rented limousine and found herself being kissed in the back seat as the chauffeur drove them to the Fairmont Hotel.

  The superb wedding dinner was in the Gold Ballroom. Just before dessert was served, the waiters came out with the traditional parade of colored ices carved in the forms of hearts, flowers, a bride and a groom. Doris sat at the main table, along with Irene and Monroe Wolf, Irene’s sister, Monroe’s brothers, Henry’s family, the rabbi and his wife.

  The music began as the bride and groom cut the first slice of the six-tiered wedding cake. Speeches were made, telegrams read, and the dancing began. When Michele and Josh danced alone a hush fell over the room. Few had seen a more beautiful couple nor one that seemed to have such a bright future.

  After their solo performance, the bride and bridegroom were joined on the dance floor by their family and friends, and the next few hours passed in a flurry of dancing with ever-changing partners.

  Suddenly it was midnight, and Doris and Michele went upstairs to the room they’d reserved for the bride to change in. Michele threw her arms around Doris. “Oh, mama, this is the happiest night of my life. Thank you…”

  Doris well recalled the conversation she’d had with Sara on her wedding night at the William Taylor Hotel. How she would have liked to have been able to say the same thing to her mama, but seeing Michele’s happiness now made up for all those memories.

  When Michele emerged dressed in her pink raw silk going-away suit, everyone standing at the foot of the staircase gasped. Soon she was on Josh’s arm as he came down in his gray flannel suit, and amid waves and showers of rice they drove off in Josh’s Jaguar…

  Michele lay awake long into the night in the bridal suite of the Saint Francis Hotel, feeling the exaltation of giving herself to her husband. This was the second time they’d been together like this, and when she thought about it she was grateful to Josh for having convinced her that they should make love before their marriage. The first time for a woman was not always the most pleasurable experience, and he’d wanted to have that behind them so that their wedding night would be as wonderful for her as for him. Making love to Josh this night had brought out the deepest passion she’d ever known, or imagined…yes, she had been right to let him convince her.

  That same night Doris had great difficulty trying to sleep. In spite of her happiness, there were thoughts that would not go away. Life, it seemed, was never meant to be enjoyed without some pain…not one member of her family had attended the wedding. Rachel sent regrets, along with a check for five hundred dollars; they were taking Larry to Europe for the summer as a belated twenty-first birthday gift, and so forth.

  How vividly she recalled the morning when she had sat at her desk addressing invitations, and wondering whether the years might have mellowed her parents. Was she strong enough to forgive and forget? Suddenly their differences seemed so unimportant compared to the joy Sara and Jacob might have in seeing their first grandchild married—and maybe it was the catalyst that would reunite them. So she wrote a personal note to them and placed it inside the invitation. The days passed with no word from them, then the answer came with the return of the unopened letter. Doris felt the rejection keenly, but she was also beginning to feel pity for them for depriving themselves because of their foolish pride.

  At least Lillian had the courage to call Doris and wish Michele all the happiness in the world, but under the circumstances she couldn’t possibly attend, inevitably papa would find out and she just couldn’t risk that now…At first the conversation was stilted, but it seemed Lillian had a great need to confide in someone…It had built up for a long time. Although the dress shop was doing well, Dan had to expand in order to compete with the big stores, and for that he needed added capital. It was papa, of course, who was co-signing their bank notes. But papa was papa—it simply wasn’t in his nature to do things without extracting his pound, more or less, of flesh. He was after Dan constantly about making certain the notes were paid on time…“The strangest thing is, Doris, we’ve never missed a payment. My God, you’d think he was giving us the money. And as for mama, in a way these years of her illness have been the best. She’s catered to, indulged, and we’ve all become her lackeys, at her beck and call day and night. She spends her time in and out of the hospital. I know you won’t believe it, but…well, she’s enjoying being sick. The doctor told me in confidence that she brought it on herself, that her illness is self-imposed.”

  “How can an operation be self-imposed?”

  “It was because of her extreme dieting. Most of her stomach has been removed by now. Let me assure you, Doris, whatever I get from them I earn the hard way…they make me feel guilty because they buy the girls so much, so how can I say no to anything? You remember when Rachel wanted to go to college? Well, they’re sending Cindy and Candy to Stanford in shiny bright new cars. They insist on indulging them, and you know why…It makes yours truly just a little more beholden, tightens the noose, so to speak. But the one I feel really sorry for is my husband. Like Jerry, he really got himself a bargain. I feel terrible, there isn’t enough money in the world for things he has to put up with.”…And yet, she realized, it was she who let him do it…

  When they hung up, Doris had similar thoughts. If Lillian found it all so distasteful, she could have refused. She wasn’t forced to own the most lavish dress salon on the Peninsula. No, Doris didn’t feel sorry for her baby sister…not anymore…And as for papa, money still seemed to be his god—and mama had apparently found her fulfillment in her illness. Lord, what a family…

  And what of her own family? She had taken on enormous financial obligations and was afraid she wouldn’t be able to meet them. What happened if she couldn’t write, if she lost what skill she had, if she ran dry? But she refused to think on that. God, for some reason, loves you, Doris. When the chips were down, He was always there. You’re a Capricorn, a mountain climber, for God’s sake. Don’t be frightened, Doris, you’ve gotten through worse storms…And with that thought, she finally fell asleep…

  The next morning she woke up with a distinctly renewed spirit. The anxieties of the night before seemed to have been washed away. She got out of bed, showered and dressed. Just before leaving she looked at herself in the mirror. “Doris Levin, I think I like you this morning. I’ve decided you’re a lady who’s been tested and I think you’re going to be equal to the challenge. So there. And besides, I think you look rather smashing today. Hell, with your silver mane and the tan, you look at least two and a half minutes younger.”

  As she got into the car alongside Henry he didn’t seem nearly as happy as she. It was easy to guess why…he had probably been going over the bills mentally last night too.

  At noon they boarded the ship and went to visit Mr. and Mrs. Josh Wolf in stateroom thirty-four on the promenade deck.

  The scene in the stateroom was a continuation of the previous night. Almost everyone in the family was at the cocktail party. The first one Doris saw was Irene Wolf, who made her way through the crowd and embraced her. “Doris, I didn’t have time to call this morning but the wedding was absolutely marvelous. I don’t know about you, but Monroe and I talked about it until the early hours of the morning. In fact, I was so excited I don’t think I slept at all.”

  Doris smiled. She looked at Joshua’s mother, thinking, Kiddo, you had company, but your reasons for not sleeping were a little different from mine. However, she said, “I just hope we have more occasions like that to stay awake for.” Then she heard Michele call out to her.

  “I’m so h
appy to see you, mama. You look gorgeous.”

  “Well, I’m no competition for you, darling.”

  “Oh, mama, thank you again for last night. Where’s daddy?”

  Doris looked around. “I know I brought him aboard. You go look while I say hello to my handsome new son.”

  When Michele came face to face with her father she had tears in her eyes, “Daddy, thank you so much…for everything. You’re the most wonderful father a girl could ever have. And you’re still my favorite man, even though now I have two special fellows in my life.”

  “Darling, just be happy. That’s all your mother and I want.”

  The boat whistle blew and there was a last call for visitors going ashore.

  Once again, Michele hugged her mother. “God, it’s a terrible thing for a bride to say, but I’m really going to miss you, mama.”

  “I’m sure that won’t last long, darling. By the time you get out into the middle of the ocean it will all wear off. It better…”

  Everyone stood on the wharf and looked up at the newlyweds standing at the rail. Handkerchiefs were waving, confetti was flying, balloons were floating—and once again, Doris knew that it had all been worth it.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR

  THE NEXT YEAR BROUGHT both enormous joy, and sadness, to the Levins. Henry’s mother passed away in her sleep, as gently as she had lived. In the very beginning, Henry grieved terribly. There had never been a day through all the years that he hadn’t called her. But much as he missed her, as the months wore on the sorrow lightened and he felt that his memories of her were a gift to be cherished.

  One of the things that most helped him recover his spirits was that Michele was expecting. It seemed to Doris that the events of life rather balanced out. There were beginnings and endings. Michele said that if she had a little girl she would name her Rebecca, after Henry’s mother…