by K. C. Mills
“Kizzie, why you tripping? You know I got her spoiled ass. She just acting up, but I’m about to take her home and handle that.”
My head snapped so quick, looking up at this fool. Sex damn sure wasn't going to fix the fact that he felt it necessary to entertain his past a few feet away from me. Hell she might not even be his actual past. That was still unknown. She damn sure seemed real comfortable.
“Bye, Kiz, we’ll talk tomorrow so we can figure what our next move is. Night, Jock.” I threw my arms around him and then he kissed the side of my face. “Let him explain, Nonie. It's not what you think.”
I felt my eyes roll back into my head before I started storming towards the parking lot.
“Nonie, where the fuck you going? You stomping off but you don't know where the fuck I parked.”
Shit, I forgot just that quick that they sent a car service for Kizzie and I, so that we could leave with them when it was over. That pissed me off even more because I had to wait on him.
I stopped but didn't turn around because I could hear Siah and Jock finishing up a conversation while I waited. A few moments later, I felt Siah move past me.
I inhaled, releasing a frustrated breath before I started behind him. He reached his truck first and stood on the passenger side with the door open, so I moved past him, not even looking his way. He caught my arm and forced me against the side of his truck, pinning my body against it with his.
“What the fuck is your problem, Nonie?” Siah’s eyes bore into mine and I could tell that he was irritated.
“Who is she?”
Siah’s eyes roamed my face for a minute before a smirk crossed his. “Why do it matter? Who am I with right now?” He used his leg to spread mine apart and then his hand moved up my thigh but I caught it before he couldn't reach his destination.
“Really? Is that your answer to everything?” I snapped.
This fool laughed and then kissed me before stepping away. “Get in the truck, Pretty.”
He pointed to the open door before walking around to the driver’s side and getting in. I got in and slammed the door.
“Why the fuck you slamming my door, Zenovia? You need to calm the fuck down. Don't act like you didn't know I had a past. Hell, it's barely even been a month, so really that shit is still current as a muthafucker for a lot of people I used to fuck with, but I’m in this shit. I’m trying. I ain't perfect, but what I can promise you is that since I made that decision I haven't been with anybody but you. That shit right there.” He pointed to the building, “is my past.”
“So why did she act like it wasn't? I mean, she watched us all night, and you felt like it was cool to be all in her face with me there. Why didn't you talk to her around me if it’s your past? What if I did that?”
His arrogant ass laughed again, and then started the truck. “You wouldn't.”
He pulled out of the parking lot and I stared out the window, trying to figure out what I wanted to believe. I knew who Siah was, and I knew what I was getting into by dealing with him. I just didn't know if he had the ability to really be with me, so was I getting upset about something that I brought on myself. This was only the beginning, and I knew that things like this would potentially happen all the time.
“We do business with her uncle. That’s how I met her. I’m not fucking her anymore if that’s what you’re thinking, but I have to deal with her. She’s a part of the business, Pretty. It wouldn't be beneficial for me to create a problem that doesn't need to exist. Her uncle is a very important part of what I do, and I don't need any issues with him or her family. She understands that, so I need you to understand that also.”
I turned to face him and I could see the sincerity in his eyes. It was like he was pleading with me to trust him. I wanted to, but part of me was still torn. “How long?”
“How long for what?”
“How long has it been since you’ve been with her?”
I watched his face and could see that he didn't want to tell me, but if she was his past, I needed to know just how much of a past she was.
“A while ago.” He kept his eyes on me, waiting for a reaction long as he could before he had to focus on the road again.
“Hmm, okay,” was all I said.
This shit wasn't his past. It was current as hell. I could tell from that vague ass answer he gave me.
*****
Siah made a point of staying away from me for the rest of the night. When we got to my house, he stripped out of his clothes, changed into basketball shorts and went straight to the living room to make some calls. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and climbed in bed, armed with the remote and my feelings about this situation with Claudia. If she was connected to business that he was doing then she wasn't going away, and if they used to have something going, then that meant that he would likely be with her again. Especially if it meant affecting business.
At some point I dozed off because I woke up to find Siah sitting next to me just staring at me. I almost knocked his crazy ass out because he scared the shit out of me. My room was dark, and all I could see was a figure on my bed with eyes on me.
“Why are you sitting here in the dark looking at me like that?” I asked, pulling the covers closer to my body. I felt Siah’s hand on the side of my face before it moved down my neck where he let it rest. Just his touch alone did something to me, and I hated it because no matter how bad I wanted to hold a grudge, I couldn't.
“Do you know how hard this shit is for me?” Siah’s voice was deep and heavy. I could tell he was tired. I mean, here it was three clock in the morning and he was still awake. It was like he never slept.
“What’s hard, Siah?”
“This shit, you and me.”
“Then why did you agree to it, if you knew you couldn't do it?” I could feel a lump forming in my throat because I just knew this was the, ‘I made a mistake’ conversation. I felt like I was always sitting around waiting for it to happen, and here it was. I didn't know if I could take it, but I might not have a choice.
“Stop assuming shit, Pretty. Did I say I couldn't do it? I’m just telling you it's hard for me and not in the way you think.”
“I don't understand what you mean,” I admitted. Once again, he had me confused.
Siah exhaled and then leaned back on the bed, covering his face with his arms before he began to speak. “There ain't much I'm afraid of in this world.” He stopped and laughed a little. “Shit, there ain't really a damn thing that I’m afraid of in this world but you, Zenovia, and that right there is some dangerous shit.”
“Why would you be afraid of me? That doesn't make sense, Yosiah.”
“It makes perfect sense. I didn't think I could ever be with one person. Fuck, I never wanted to, but then your pretty ass showed up at my house with Royce. I knew right then that you were gonna have me doing shit that I never even considered. You think I’m afraid of commitment, and maybe I am to a certain degree, but honestly if you want me to be real, I’m afraid of you.”
“I’m not going to hurt you, Siah, so why would you be afraid of me?” I crawled from under the covers and climbed across his body until I was straddling his lap. After I was situated, I lifted his arms to that I could see his face. The room was still dark, but I knew he was there and I could see his eyes on me as his hands moved to my waist.
“It's not really about that. I need you, like I really fucking need you. There ain't no going back to the way my life was before I laid eyes on you, before I tasted your lips or the first time I woke up with your body wrapped around mine. That shit right there is life, Nonie. It's like air. I need that shit and I’ve never needed anything or anyone in my life, and that scares the hell outta me.
“I ain't a weak nigga by no means, but you break me down in ways that I don't even understand, so that’s why this shit is hard. I try to fight that shit, but I have no defense against what you do to me, the way you make me feel. The fuck am I supposed to do with that? It's not because I struggle with wanting
to fuck other females, so don't even let that shit fill your head. It's hard because I need you and I’m constantly on the edge thinking that I’ll fuck something up and you’ll walk. On some real shit, you’re not gon’ be with anybody else. I’ll kill every muthafucker who thinks they have a chance.
“That shit is frustrating as hell and it affects everything I do. If my head ain't right, I can't handle business, and I have a lot of people counting on me. But even more than that, you’re counting on me, and it would fuck me up something serious if I ever let you down. That’s love for me, maybe it's not the kind you're used to, but it’s my reality, how I see shit. The only kind of love I know, and trust me, it don't make it any less significant or meaningful.”
I was speechless. Really didn't see that coming, but Siah had my heart swelling.
“See, that’s just it. I need you too, which is why I’m still here, which is why I settled all this time. You don't think I thought about leaving, about letting go because it was too hard to know that I had to share you? Well I did, but I’m still here, because…”
I stopped right there and I didn't know why. He knew I loved him, but it was like saying the words gave him total control over me. I had been holding onto those words because it was the only piece of me that I had ownership over. Everything else about me belonged to him, whether I chose to admit it freely or not. But keeping those three simple words gave me hope that I could walk away if I really needed to.
Siah chuckled before his hands moved up my back and he pulled my body close to his. Our faces where inches apart and I could feel his slow controlled breathing through my body as he released each breath.
“Because what? Because you love me?” His deep voice vibrated through his chest into mine and I felt my heart rate increase and my stomach get tight, but I kept my thoughts to myself.
“Zenovia, do you love me?” Siah demanded and then waited.
“I do, but—”
“But what? Ain't not buts to that shit, either you do or you don't?”
This time I nodded and his goofy ass laughed. “It's dark as fuck in here and yo ass wanna act like a mute and nod and shit.”
I mushed him in the head and he laughed again. “It's not that damn dark. You saw me nod, didn't you?”
“What the fuck ever. Put your hands on me again and you gon’ see something and it won't be a damn nod.”
I sucked my teeth because I knew he hated it. “You always gotta ruin the moment, don't you?”
“Shut the fuck up. Ain't nobody ruin shit, man.” He lifted his head and kissed the tip of my nose and then pecked my lips. “For real though, I meant what I said, Zenovia. I need you, and that shit fucks with my mental. I’m not perfect, ’cause I’m just a man, but I’m trying. That don't mean I won't fuck up, but you can't leave me. I need to know you gon’ ride this out with me, Pretty. I need that or I can't fucking think straight, and that’s dangerous because every time I walk out that door I need to be on my shit. I can't do that if I’m worried about you leaving me over some dumb shit.”
“I’m not going anywhere, but that doesn't mean that you get a free pass. You can't abuse that, Yosiah.”
“Chill, I know that, but you gotta trust me okay. That's all I ask.”
“Fine.”
He chucked again. “Your stubborn ass. Now let's talk about tonight, and then we not gon’ bring that shit up again, aight?”
I shrugged and tried to get up, but he held me in place. “Man, calm that shit down and just listen. I’m about to be real with you, so don't get in your fucking feelings, aight?”
“I’m listening,” I said with an attitude.
“Aight, so check it. I used to fuck with her. It wasn't anything serious to me, but I knew she was feeling me. She still is, but it was never anything more than just sex to me. The only reason why I wasn't sweating it was because I didn't want to fuck up the relationship that I had with her uncle, but I’ll make sure it's clear to her that whatever it was is over. You just gotta trust me to handle it.”
“So what about your business?” I asked, if it was a problem before, why wouldn't it be a problem now?
“I’ll handle it. Just know that I’ll have to be around her. Not a lot, but I will see her. I’ll keep it professional, but I don't need you bugging the fuck out if we all cross paths again. Can you promise me that?”
“Can you promise me that you won't fuck her again?”
“Didn't I just do that?” I could tell he was annoyed but I didn't care. I needed him to actually promise me.
“No, you didn't”
“I promise. Your shit is the only one I’ll be in. So no, I’m not gon’ fuck her anymore.”
“Okay, then I promise not to trip if you’re around her.”
“Good, now we not gon’ talk about this shit again. Come on, let's go to bed. I got a long day tomorrow and you got me up late as hell.”
“Umm, don't blame me because you can't sleep. Don't forget, you woke me up.”
“Man, shut your ass up and lay down. You always got some slick shit to say.” Siah laughed, pulled the covers back and climbed into bed.
I cradled my body next to his and got comfortable with my head on his chest and my legs spread across him. Once his arms moved around my body, I was at peace. I don't know about him, but I was on my way out.
Laken
“I need to see Haas O’day.” I stood in front of the security desk waiting. Shit was really starting to get thick around me, and I needed a voice of reason. I was hoping that Haas would be that voice of reason. My pops had been bugging the fuck out since I mentioned going to see Haas and the conversation I had with my mother, so I really didn't know what to think anymore.
Royce had hit me up to let me know that he had a meeting with Siah and Jock, and it seemed like the perfect time to make shit happen. Even with all that something in me kept tugging at my conscious and I needed to know if I was making the wrong move. Now, here I was at my grandfather’s spot, unannounced hoping that he would at least have a conversation with me.
“Is Mr. O'day expecting you?” The young goofy ass guard asked, looking at me first and then down at a clip board that was in front of him.
“Nah, but can you call him or something? I’m sure he’ll see me if he knows I’m down here,” I lied. I didn't even know if this nigga knew who I was, but I had to try.
He peered at me once more, before lifting the receiver, holding it to his face. “Your name, please?” He asked like he had a fucking attitude. I really wanted to snatch his ass across the counter, but he was the only way I was getting my ass up stairs.
“Laken Harris.”
After a short sigh this muthafucker decided to do his got damn job and made a call. “Mr. O'day, you have a Laken Harris to see you. Shall I… yes sir, I’ll send him up right now.” He turned to me and then nodded to the elevator before handing me a plastic key card. “Take that elevator and use this.”
“What floor?” I asked after accepting the card.
He titled his head to the side like my question annoyed him. “Ninth floor unit 908. Mr. O'day is waiting,” he said with a smirk like that shit meant something to me.
I had more important business to attend to, so I let that shit ride and made my way to the elevator. For some reason, I was nervous as fuck and couldn't really put my finger on why. I didn't know if it was the possibility of finding out that my father had lied to me all my life, or if it was the fact that I wanted it to be true because that would mean I actually had family. Either way, my damn pulse was racing as I stepped off the elevator and made my way to Haas’s door.
I inhaled and lifted my hand to press the buzzer, but before I made contact the door was pulled open and I was face to face with who I assumed was my grandfather. The fucked up thing was that I could see myself in him, and from the look on his face, he was having the same reaction.
“Laken,” he announced, but didn't wait for a response. Instead, he stepped aside so that I could enter his apartment and a
fter the door was shut, he pulled me into a hug, catching me off guard. He sensed it, backed away and just stared at me for a minute.
“I’m glad you’re here. I wondered if or when you would ever show up, but I’m glad you did.”
“You say that like you know me?” I said as my eyes moved around his place. It was nice as hell which I expected but his next sentence brought my attention back to him.
“You’re my grandson. Of course I know who you are Laken. In fact, I know everything about you. I always have, well at least I thought I did.” He chuckled like he was keeping a secret, but I decided not to question him about it.
I laughed sarcastically. “You know everything about me, huh? Then why the fuck don't I know shit about you?”
It was his turn to laugh before he motioned to the sofa that sat in the corner of the room. He didn't wait for me, he just walked off and got comfortable. I followed and sat on the love seat that was angled next to it.
“Nolan kept you away from me. I never stayed away from you. I also understood that at some point you would become your own man and have questions that only I could answer. I assume that’s why you’re here, and I also assume that your father doesn't know that you’re here.” Haas looked me right in the eyes. This nigga was calm and cool as fuck. I almost admired his demeanor, but a part of me still viewed him as the enemy.
“You don't give a fuck about my father, so don't speak on him.” I didn't care how I felt about my pops, I wasn't about to let this muthafucker sit here and disrespect him.
“Your father?” He spoke in a way that came out as a question before he paused and then continued. “You don't know shit, so don’t bring your young ignorant ass in my house with your chest stuck out. You came to me, and obviously because Nolan has created doubt about who he is, about who you are, so you can—”
I cut him off quick as hell. This nigga didn't know who the fuck he was talking to. I was on my feet with my gun in my hand, but the second I pulled the hammer, I heard his too. We stared each other down before I finally retreated.
“Man, fuck this shit. I knew this was a mistake. Your old ass can't tell me shit, and since you claim you know me and everything about me then you know that I’m about to take back what’s rightfully ours. Tell your grandson to watch his fucking back.” I tried to walk away but heard Hass behind me.