Idiot.
Not that he hadn’t meant what he’d said. All of it. But clearly he’d jumped the gun, hoping the past few weeks would’ve given her a little more perspective, stupidly taking encouragement from what he’d seen in her eyes, heard in her voice a week ago in the diner. Only, what he’d seen just now—leaking out from the edges of her bravado—was a woman every bit as stressed and rattled as any soldier returning from deployment. Or still in the middle of it, actually.
And dammit, he’d known better than to poke the bear of her stress, even in the guise of being helpful. Of loving her, of wanting to fix whatever was broken, because he loved her. Except judging from the look on her face, that fact that she hadn’t even said goodbye...he’d blown it.
Releasing a harsh, lung-stinging breath, Levi could practically hear Josh’s told you so.
Chapter Thirteen
“Okay,” Connie said, stretching plastic wrap over the leftover enchiladas before sliding them into the fridge. “What’s up?”
Val pushed out a sound that sounded more like a strangled cat than a laugh. “Why do you—”
“Because you barely touched your dinner. So unless you’ve been lying to me all these years about how much you love my enchiladas...” One eyebrow lifted.
Fortunately—or unfortunately, Val wasn’t sure which—the girls were in the family room with their papa, watching some kids’ movie. And Tommy’s grandmother had excused herself to sit outside and watch the sunset, as she did every night. Leaving Val alone with her mother-in-law.
Who knew full well how much Val loved her enchiladas.
But before she could figure out what to say, Connie said, “So what’s going on with you and Levi these days?”
Val stuck the last glass in the dishwasher, loaded it. Turned it on. Stood for a moment, listening to the whoosh of water filling the machine.
Thought about that kitchen.
The half-naked man standing in the middle of it, holding her child, offering her...
So much.
Then Connie touched her arm and, yeah. Waterworks.
Muttering in Spanish, the older woman steered Val into the living room, a pristine testimonial to Southwest kitsch, making Val sit on the peach-and-aqua-patterned couch.
“Well?”
Val blew her nose. Sniffed. “Apparently a major reason Levi bought the house was so I could use the kitchen. For my pies.”
“Gee, that’d make me cry, too.”
She sniffed again. Skunk’s sister jumped up on her lap, purring. “Yeah, well, this isn’t only about his kitchen.”
“Didn’t figure it was,” Connie said, clearly amused. “And does Levi know how you feel?”
“I didn’t say—”
“Querida. Seriously?”
Groaning, Val sank back into the sofa’s cushions, thinking about how, for so long, this had been her safe place when her own home hadn’t been. That it didn’t feel even remotely safe now. Especially when Connie said, “What are you so afraid of, sweetheart?”
The baby cat’s fur was so soft, so soothing, under her fingers as Val stroked her, gathering her courage. Then she looked over at Connie, the patience and love she saw in her mother-in-law’s eyes making hers sting. “Everybody thinks I was so...noble, I guess you’d call it. The proud military wife and all that. But the thing is, I hated it. Hated being left to raise Josie on my own, hated that...that Tommy yanked the one thing I’d wanted my entire life out from under m-me. And most of all, I hated that I felt so...so selfish. Like my m-mother.”
“Oh, honey...” Connie practically jumped out of her chair to sit beside Val, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing, hard. “First off, do not ever let me hear you compare yourself to your mother again, you hear me? God rest her soul, but that woman’s got some serious atoning to do wherever she is now. And second...” She sat back to gently stroke Val’s hair away from her face. “If you really didn’t want Tommy to go, why didn’t you say something?”
“Because that would have been selfish—”
“Then call me selfish, too, because I felt exactly the same way. Sure, I was proud of him. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t mad as hell when he died. At him, at the army, at the bastard who planted that bomb. And I’m not seeing me getting over that anytime soon. But I’m not sure I understand what any of that has to do with you and Levi.”
“Because maybe I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe nobody deserves it, maybe happiness is totally random, this elusive thing that happens to some people and not others. I don’t know. Here I’ve barely gotten my balance back after Tommy—”
“And you’re scared of losing again.”
Val took a moment, absorbing. Accepting the last piece of truth she hadn’t wanted to face. “I don’t think I could stand it. Not again. And Josie...”
“You’re afraid Levi’s going to leave you?”
“No.” Val almost smiled. “No. But...stuff happens, doesn’t it?”
“I see. So you’ve decided to let evil win?”
Val frowned at her mother-in-law. “I think it’s more that I’ve decided to not give it that chance.”
“And if that isn’t the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. Yeah, you’re right. Happiness can be elusive. Seems like it, anyway. Which is why we’ve got to grab it when we find it, and then hang on with everything we’ve got. Doesn’t matter how long the ride lasts, what matters is enjoying the hell out of it while we’re on it. Because guess what? You do deserve to be happy. Just like everybody else on the planet. And would you deprive the girls of their shot at happiness? Of a father?”
“Dammit, Connie—do not guilt me—”
“So I’m guessing you don’t know the whole story.”
“What whole story?”
“That Levi loved you first.”
“Excuse me?”
“Then you really had no idea that Levi had more or less appointed himself your guardian angel when you guys were still in school? That when he heard the other kids talking smack about you, he’d sometimes...intervene. That his mother got called to the principal’s office more than once on your account.”
“On my—”
“So Levi got something of a reputation as a hothead, even though I don’t think he ever actually hurt anybody. Scared the pants off ’em a few times, though. But the thing is...if it hadn’t been for Levi, I’m not sure Tommy would’ve given you a second look.”
Her head was spinning. “And Tommy never...?”
Connie chuckled. “Sixteen-year-old boys aren’t exactly known for their critical thinking skills. And Tommy told us that Levi said he was only sticking up for you because it was the right thing to do.”
“Then why would you think there was anything more to it than that? It wasn’t like Levi didn’t have other girlfriends—”
“If you can call them that. And only after you and Tommy started going together. Not to mention Levi never put his butt on the line like that for anybody else. Think back, querida. Am I right?”
So she thought. And...hell. The woman was right. At this rate Val’s head was going to explode.
Not to mention her heart.
“So Tommy really never knew?”
“That his best friend got out of his way to give him a chance with you? I really don’t think he did.”
“But why?”
“My guess? Because Levi believed being with him would’ve had exactly the opposite effect from what he was trying to defend you from. What with that hothead business and everything.” Connie reached for her hand, holding it in both of hers. “But the result was...it gave us you.” The older woman’s eyes glittered. “The best daughter we could’ve asked for. Is it any wonder why we love Levi almost as much as we loved our own boy?”
Val slumped back against the sofa cushions, the sudden move dislodging the kitten, who gave her back paw a fast lick before streaking out of the room.
“Sweetheart,” Connie said softly, “you’re the one always
on about choices. So don’t you think you should have all the information possible to help you make those choices?”
Yeah, she knew that was gonna come back to chomp her on the butt someday. Her gaze slid to Connie’s.
“So why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”
“Because I was hoping you and Levi would’ve worked this out by now. Since you haven’t...” Connie shrugged. “And so help me, God, do not tell me you feel like you’d be cheating on Tommy.”
Despite her exploding head, Val had to laugh. “No. Well, okay, a little, maybe. But...”
She told her the condensed version of what she’d said to Levi, about how little physical affection she’d gotten as a child. And where that had led, with Tommy. And now, with Levi...
“I mean...am I just repeating history? How do I even know if this is real?”
“Man, you are one messed-up chica—you know that?”
“You’re only now figuring this out?”
Connie chuckled. “Listen to me. What you had with Tommy, that was real. And I think you know it. Yes, despite all the garbage from your childhood. So why wouldn’t this be real with Levi?”
“Because I’m one messed-up chica?”
“And what does that say about that young man, that in spite of that he hasn’t given up on you? Not this time, anyway. Okay, so he had issues when he was younger. Issues that in large part stemmed from how he felt about you. Issues that made him the good man he is now. Do you really want to throw that away just because you’re scared of what might happen? Is that what you want for your daughters, to be afraid to trust their hearts— Dios mio, what was that?”
What that was, was a very loud sneeze from a very small person.
Who, Val was guessing, had just gotten an earful.
Crap.
* * *
“Josie?” Mama called. “Get your little behind out here!”
Abuelita, who’d been hiding out in the hallway with Josie, held out her hand for Josie to take before slowly leading her into the living room. At the beginning, Josie’d only meant to come see what Mama and Gramma were doing, since Grampa had fallen asleep with the baby on his chest, and it was kind of a dumb movie, anyway. But something about their voices had made her stop, even though she knew she wasn’t supposed to listen without them knowing she was there. Not that she understood everything they were saying, but she got most of it. All she knew, was that it sucked, almost never seeing Levi anymore, and that Mama was back to being sad all the time. And you know what? Josie was really, really tired of all the gloom and doom, like Mama would say. Seriously—
Mama’s mouth dropped open. “Lita! You, too?”
“You should listen to Consuela,” Abuelita said to Mama, like she didn’t see how surprised she was. Or care, maybe. “Because I know you are not a fool.” Still holding on real tight to Josie’s hand, Abuelita bent over to lay her other hand on Mama’s cheek. “What you are, little one, is brave. So brave.” Abuelita smiled. “Like a warrior.”
“That’s right,” Josie said, even though her knees were shaking a little. Mama didn’t get mad a whole lot, but when she did...watch out. “You are.” But instead of fussing at her, Mama’s eyes got all wet.
“Oh, baby...” She pulled Josie into her lap, wrapping her up tight in her arms from behind as Abuelita kinda fell on the sofa to put her arm around Mama’s shoulders. Across from them, Gramma looked like she was holding her breath.
“Blessings and fear,” Josie heard Abuelita say, “are like light and darkness. They cannot live in the same place.” Josie liked the sound of that, even if she didn’t completely understand it. “So, preciosa,” her great-grandmother said, “which will you choose?”
Mama got very still, holding Josie close. And it was like Josie could feel something change, in the room. In Mama. Especially when she blew out a breath that tickled Josie’s curls.
“So, Lita,” Mama said, very softly. “If I didn’t want to stay in the house...?”
Abuelita laughed. “It was only there to use as long as you needed it. If you don’t anymore...”
“But I never did finish up the kitchen—”
“That’s what contractors are for,” Gramma said, winking at Josie. Then she smiled at Mama. “Go, honey. Grab your future. Now. Before you chicken out.”
“As if you’d let me.”
“You got that right,” Abuelita said, and all the grown-ups laughed.
Then everybody got real quiet for a long time, until Mama said, “Okay,” on a great big breath, then gently slid Josie off her lap. Only then she turned her around and looked deep into her eyes, so it was like they were the only two people in the room. “Do you really like Levi, baby?”
“Are you kidding?” Josie said, wondering where on earth that question had come from. “I love him. He makes me feel...safe.”
“Oh, yeah?” Mama said, her eyes getting all watery again.
“Yeah. And good.” She giggled. “He’s so funny.”
Mama smiled. “Yes, he is. But he’s not Daddy, you know.”
Josie frowned. “Of course he isn’t. He’s Levi. Isn’t that good enough?”
Blinking like a million times as she brushed curls off Josie’s shoulder, Mama nodded. “Absolutely.” Then she turned to Gramma. “The kids...?”
“Like you have to ask. Go, for God’s sake.” But after Mama picked up her purse and stuff, Josie thought of something.
“Mama?”
She turned back around. “Yeah, baby?”
“You know Daddy wants us to be happy, right?”
“Oh, jeez...” Mama grabbed Josie in a hug so hard it almost hurt, then held her face in her soft hands. “You have any idea how much I love you?”
Josie grinned. “Maybe,” she said, and Mama laughed.
Then she was gone, and Josie let out a great big breath. Because this time, she was sure everything was going to be okay.
She could feel it in her heart.
* * *
A surprise thunderstorm had released its fury barely five minutes before Levi opened his door to a soaking-wet Val, her hair, clothes, everything, clinging like seaweed to her skin.
“I hope to hell you’re alone,” she said before he could find his voice, “because otherwise this could be awkward.”
“Uh...” Slowly, his lips curved, even as his heart started beating like crazy. “Yeah.”
“Good,” she said, walking into his arms, rain pummeling the porch roof as he kissed her, over and over, half-afraid to stop. Like if he did he’d discover this was only a dream. Still, she had to be freezing in that clammy shirt.
So, in between mumbled explanations about the kids being with the Lopezes and her having stopped at the house to let the dog out and change, so she didn’t have any place else she needed to be, he tugged her into the bedroom where he’d gotten a fire going in the kiva fireplace, tucked into the far corner. An air mattress, an old dresser... It wasn’t much. But right now, the two of them and a fire and a mattress—it was enough.
Actually, what it was, was heaven.
Wasn’t until he grabbed the shirt’s hem that he realized what she was wearing. Damn thing hung to the middle of her thighs. “You’re right—this is way too big.”
“I’m thinking I might have to grow into it,” she said, smiling, before she shivered, making her nipples poke at the damp fabric. With that, he tugged the soggy thing up and over her head, tossing it to one side, catching just enough of a glimpse of small, perfect breasts to get him hard before he wrapped her up in a towel he’d tossed on the mattress earlier. Then he kissed her again, one of those long, deep, kinda messy ones that went on forever, and she moaned and wrapped her hands around his neck to stand on tiptoe, and he remembered what she’d said, about liking sex, and he thought, Well, all right.
But...
“You sure?”
“Didn’t come over to look at paint swatches. And, yes, I’m protected,” she said, and like that they were both naked and on the bed, pretty mu
ch feasting on each other, the heat from the fire licking her dry as he licked her wet all over again.
“Oh, yes,” she breathed, eyes closed, clutching the sheets. Toes probably curled, too, but he was too busy to check. Then he took things up a notch, and she laughed, and arched, and cried out—begged, actually—her hands now all tangled in his hair as he teased her some more, smiling to himself at her cute little noises, the change in her breathing as she got closer—
Then thunder cracked, loud enough to rattle the windows, and she shrieked, startled. Laughing, Levi shifted positions.
“Damn,” she said, “now we have to start over.”
“Not a problem,” he said, placing a kiss on that delectable spot where neck meets shoulder. She shivered. And sighed. Especially when he started south again. Belly button. Hip bone. Lower. “Trust me,” he said between kisses, “it’ll be all the better for waiting.”
“But you—”
“You complaining?”
“No, but—”
He hiked himself back up to palm her breast, flicking one thumb over that adorable little nipple. Her breathing hitched. He chuckled. “What can I say? I’m a giver. Now hush and let me give.”
“Jeez, fine,” she said, her eyes drifting closed, and the next few minutes were filled with a symphony of rain and thunder, the hiss and crackle of the fire, her moans and gasps and soft, sweet laughter...and then her cries as she sailed over the edge. But before the cries had even died out she’d flipped him on his back and taken him inside her, her messed-up, half-dry hair curtaining her shoulders, her breasts, glowing gold in the firelight.
Her lips, all puffy and red, curved slightly as she splayed warm, soft hands on his chest. “Hey. I’m a giver, too,” she said, which was when Levi realized the glow was actually coming from someplace inside her. His eyes burning, he touched her hair, moving it off her shoulder to expose one breast. The nipple perked up, inviting. He tugged her closer, accepting.
“You kicked fear’s ass?” he whispered around it.
“Working on it,” she said, and he laid back down to hook her gaze in his, soft in the firelight. He threaded his fingers through her hair, afraid to say the words. Tears collected in the corners of her eyes.
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