by Toni Aleo
“Well, duh.”
She giggles. “Same, Kirb. Same.”
“You got me.”
“Oh yeah?’
“Oh yeah. Actually, Dart asked if we were official.”
“Like, Facebook Official?”
“I don’t have Facebook.”
“Good, it’s a toxic fuck fest.”
I grin. “I thought that was Tinder?”
“No. Tinder is a cesspool of sad singles. Believe me, I know. I just deleted my account.”
My grin grows. “Did you now? When was that?”
She pauses. “Maybe on the ride out?”
“Maybe, huh?”
“Maybe,” she says, and I chuckle as Celeste squirms out of my arms and lies across my lap, kicking her legs on the couch as she continues to suck on her hand.
“That’s an interesting development.”
“It is. I’ve had that account for a very long time.”
“Things must be going better than I thought.”
“I think they are. I mean, it’s early, and maybe I’m being premature with the whole thing—”
“You’re not,” I interrupt. Insist, rather. “I think we’ve got something good going on here.”
“Same,” she agrees softly. “But can we not put a label on it yet?”
I pause. “Can I ask why?”
“I need to work through some things before I slap Taken across my ass.”
I squint, not liking that at all. “Meaning?”
“I’ve got some things I need to get over.”
“Jaylin, I need more here. My mind is racing, telling me you’re still wanting to fuck around instead of fucking around with just me.”
“That’s not it at all,” she almost yells, emotion ringing in her voice. “I just… Ugh, okay. Like I said, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. There are things that go into one that I need to figure out how to do. Being faithful is not one of them. I can be faithful.”
I feel like I need more information, but I can hear the emotion in her voice. “We can do these things together. Let me help you?”
She hesitates. “See, that’s one of them. I’ve never had a guy be there for me or want to help me. I don’t know how to give away control like that.”
I eye the clock above the TV. “I mean, that’s one of the things I like about you. Your independence.”
“I appreciate that, but I worry it may get in the way.”
“Okay. But you do realize that I’m not here to play around. That I want more. I want all of you, not some of you, and I understand that is scary and confusing, but if you aren’t down for that—”
“Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sick of everyone attacking me like this. It’s not that—”
“Attacking you?” I interject, getting protective. “Who the hell is attacking you?”
She pauses once more. “No one. I just feel like I got a bad rap, and it’s not like that. I’m asking for some patience. I don’t know what I am doing here, and I don’t want to hurt you. But I also don’t want to throw myself out there, and somehow I get hurt.”
“One, I will not hurt you. And two, I know someone is attacking you about this, and since you’re with Nico and Aviva, they are the prime suspects.” She doesn’t answer me. “What did they say?”
She doesn’t hesitate this time. “Basically the same thing. That if I’m not in this, I need to walk away. That your intentions are blatantly clear and mine aren’t.”
“They’re not?” Am I missing something?
“Apparently not since I keep getting accused of just wanting to fuck you. I mean, this is like day four of this relationship, and I feel as if everyone has already counted me out. I don’t think it’s fair.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say, pulling the phone from my ear and holding it out. I push the FaceTime button and wait for her to answer. She doesn’t do it right away, and I almost think she won’t, but then she does. When she comes on the screen, she isn’t crying, but I can see the tears in her eyes.
“Don’t make fun of my bonnet.”
I’m confused. “Your what?”
She points to the shower-cap-looking thing on her head. “My bonnet. Figured one day you’ll see it anyway. It’s to keep my hair good while I sleep.”
“Oh, I didn’t even notice. I was mainly looking into those stunning eyes.” Her lips tip up, and I smile back at her. “I don’t doubt you, Jaylin. Not at all. I know I may have come across like I do, but you caught me off guard with your comment about not wanting to label this. I apologize.”
“Don’t apologize. I don’t want you to pretend my comment is okay. It’s not, but I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to go into this saying I’m your girlfriend and you’re my boyfriend, when I don’t even know how to be a girlfriend.”
“So, you’ve never been a girlfriend? I find that hard to believe.”
Her eyes hold mine as she blows out a breath. “Okay, fine. I was for over two years, but that was so long ago, and I don’t like who I was when I was with him.”
I watch her struggle with her words as she bites her lip, not looking at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Okay—”
“But I want you to believe that I want this, that I want to try. I just need to remember how to be someone you’d want to call your girlfriend.”
“You don’t have to remember, Jay. You are,” I insist. Finally, she meets my gaze, and I smile. “The woman you are right now, this second, is the woman I want.”
She wants to smile, I can see it in her eyes, but she doesn’t. Instead, she looks away, glancing down at her hand.
“I wouldn’t have asked for us to be official if I didn’t want it, Jay. Listen, I know it’s fast. I get it. But it isn’t like we don’t know each other or that we aren’t attracted to each other or, hell, that we don’t know if we like each other. I know I like you, and I can see this turning into something beautiful and important, and God, please stop me. I’m just running my mouth.”
She looks up, a smile covering her lips. “Maybe I like what you’re saying, and I don’t want you to stop.”
Relief floods my features as I smile back at her. “I don’t want to rush you into anything. I think I’m eager because I want this so badly. I wanted you a year ago, and that need for you has not dulled even a bit. I would sit up at night, thinking of you with Lilly lying beside me, and I didn’t want her at all. I wanted you.”
“That’s kind of messed up,” she says with a grin. “For her, not me.”
I chuckle. “She may have cheated and that’s why we ended things. But if I’m honest, I was so caught up on you that I almost don’t blame her for cheating on me. I wasn’t a good boyfriend, and really, I was only in it for Celeste at that point.”
“I know,” she says softly. “And I respect that, but you can’t force something that shouldn’t be.”
“Exactly. Which is why I’m taking the making this official off the table—”
“No. Don’t,” she demands, her eyes burning into mine. Even through FaceTime, I can feel her eyes all over me, caressing me from top to bottom. “I don’t want it off the table. I just need you to know. I’m not sure I’ll be a good girlfriend.”
“What’s the difference between Girlfriend Jay and the Jay looking at me right now?”
Her demeanor changes, almost as if she’s shy, but surely that can’t be. There is nothing shy about Jaylin. I’m unsure what she is about to say, but that excites me. I love finding things out about her. I know this is crazy, but I’m falling hard for the girl. I am. And at this moment, when it’s raw and new, I am okay with it because I feel in my soul she was made for me.
When you know, you know.
I just need her to know.
She scratches her head, right at the base of her bonnet, and says, “I don’t know, Kirby. I wasn’t good at it in that guy’s opinion, so I decided to be good at what I am good at, being driven in my ca
reer. But then seeing Aviva and how happy she is, I want that. I want to be happy in love.”
Something moves in my chest, and my lip quirks. “If I know one thing, Counselor, it’s that when you want something, you make it happen. I think you need to trust yourself—and me—and do what you do best. Succeed.”
Her shoulders fall at the same time her lips curve. “You are dreamy.”
I chuckle. “Just for you, sweetheart.”
She nods. “I need to admit something.”
“Okay?”
To my surprise, I’m not scared. I don’t even jump to conclusions; I just get lost in her eyes.
“When I left the other day, it wasn’t just because you were tired. It was because I don’t sleep at men’s houses.”
I blink. “Oh. Ever?”
“Never.”
“Why?”
She swallows hard. “Um, I used to. With this guy, and um, you know what?”
“What?”
“I feel like this is a conversation we need to have face-to-face, but please trust and believe, I want to try to sleep at your place.”
I don’t know why, but I feel like I see fear on her face. “You’d be completely safe here, you know that, right?”
She doesn’t react to that. She doesn’t even acknowledge it. “We’re driving back tomorrow. Can I come over when we get back?”
“Absolutely.”
“When do you leave?”
“Thursday.”
She nods. “You’re not mad?”
“Not at all,” I promise. “I know we’re good.”
“You do?” she asks without meeting my gaze.
“Jaylin,” I demand, my voice low and rough. “Look at me.”
She does as I ask, and I smile. “We’re good, sweetheart. Don’t worry. Nothing you can say or do can make me feel any differently about you.”
She scoffs. “That’s untrue.”
“It’s not. I want you—all of you.”
There is so much hope in her eyes, but also, there’s that fear again. “I want you.”
“Good. See? We’re on the same page.”
“We are,” she says softly and then smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I can’t wait. I miss that mouth of yours.”
Her grin grows. “Same, Kirb. So, so, so same.”
She blows me a kiss and my heart kicks up in speed, but then it turns to a puddle of goo when she asks to say goodnight to Celeste. Unfortunately, CC is in a mood, but that doesn’t derail Jaylin. She gushes over her and then says goodnight before I throw my phone on the couch, cuddling CC closer to calm her. That may have been one hell of a deep conversation, but I feel good about it.
I feel good about us. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think there might be a chance this could go up in flames. We both have our own demons we’ve gotta get past. The good thing is we could have each other to help fight them.
I only need her to realize that.
Chapter Eighteen
Jaylin
* * *
I have absolutely no clue what the hell I am doing, but damn it if I’m not just jumping right in. I have to. It’s the only way I know how to do things. When my cancer hit, I was dead set on beating it, and I did everything to make that happen. I kept my grades up for the college I wanted and then the law school I chose. I fought to get into a law firm that would respect me.
I fight for me. I fight for what I want. It’s who I am. I’m driven, and yeah, it may get me in some pickles every once in a while since I jump in without much thought, but it also gets me ahead.
I spent the whole ride back from Nashville thinking and gathering my words. I haven’t spoken of that relationship for years. Reason being, I wanted to stuff it so far down inside me that I’ll never have to think of it again. I honestly never thought I would need to, but then Kirby came skating into my life. He knows what to ask to get to know me better, and that is what makes him different. No man has ever wanted to know me inside out. Then again, I’ve never been as open as I am with him.
It’s his eyes; they get me every time. I just feel safe. I feel good, and I can’t help but yearn for more of those feelings. Fuck, if that isn’t terrifying. I’m so used to hiding myself, only showing what’s on the surface. But here I am. I want to give him what he wants, because I want it all from him.
I hate that I almost want to go with the lie. The same lie I told Aviva when everything went down. She was still so broken from losing her mom, my cancer, and then her mastectomy that I refused to put my trauma on her. I had leaned on her so hard when I was sick, I couldn’t imagine giving her anything else to worry about with me. Also, her dad had just left for the hundredth time. She couldn’t handle it. I was well aware of her state of mind, so I kept it deep inside.
I suffered in silence. Something I had gotten really good at during the relationship and even now in life. I either ignore the pain, or I suffer without anyone knowing. I drown myself in my work, and I know it’s not healthy, but it’s what I do. I don’t think Kirby will accept that, though. Honestly, I know he won’t. He’s so in tune with my feelings—something else that terrifies me. I get that we had an instant connection a year and a half ago, but how in the world is it still so strong? Time is a bitch, but it’s not like that with us. I think that’s why I can’t shake wanting to tell him the truth. I need to tell him. Because the truth is, he makes me feel like I’m more than just a lawyer, more than just a pretty face and a hardworking boss babe.
He makes me feel like I am someone deserving of love.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. That each situation is a seed, or water, to help you grow. A stepping-stone to a solid future. Doesn’t matter how shitty or how bad it seems at the time; it honestly will help you grow. I have to believe that or the hell I went through in that relationship was for nothing. I truly don’t think I would have been as driven and as ready to kick-start law school and then my career if I hadn’t been through the absolute hell of that relationship. I think I would have chased the next high from being in love, and I’m okay with how that played out.
I just don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it.
But like I told Kirby, if I am going to do this, if I’m going to be his girlfriend, I want him to know who he is getting. I seem awesome on the outside; I’m gorgeous, great hair, thick ass, and a style that belongs in a magazine. But inside me, there is a wall thicker than the Great Wall of China around all the shit I’ve been through, and I don’t know how to start telling him even half of it. I want this, though. I want him. So, I gotta suck it up and put on my big-girl panties.
He can take them off afterward.
If he still wants me.
I shake my head as I walk into the office. I hadn’t planned on coming in, but I need to grab a few files I can work on this weekend. The office isn’t bustling with people or loud with the phone ringing off the hook. I could actually work a bit if I wanted, but I’d rather see Kirby and Celeste. I need to rush home, take a shower, and then head over. Which is why I have a little pep in my step. While it was a beautiful three days getting Callie settled, watching her show off, and even getting some shopping in, I missed my home. I…I missed Kirby and Celeste.
Of course, there are some people here, the regular workhorses like me, but I ignore them, heading into my office to grab my files. I walk behind my desk, sitting down so I can reach under my desk to unplug my computer. When I sit up, putting the cord on top of my laptop, I find Willa in my doorway. She has her knuckles almost to my door to knock, and I smile a greeting.
“Hey, burning the weekend oil?” I tease, and she grins, coming in.
“Yeah, I was surprised you weren’t here.”
“I figured I’d work from home,” I lie, though not really since I do plan on working, just around Celeste and Kirby. She doesn’t need to know that, however. I’m not sure how she will feel about Kirby and me dating, so I’d rather just keep it under lock and key. “I am a
little behind.”
“Yeah, but did you have a good time in Nashville?”
I nod as I put some files on top of my laptop. “I did. We got my best friend’s sister all settled.”
“That’s awesome. Glad to hear it,” she says, and I suddenly catch a vibe that she isn’t here to talk about my trip.
I glance up at her through my lashes. “Everything okay?”
She nods, sitting down in the chair in front of my desk and crossing her legs. She’s wearing a little jumpsuit outfit, looking like she belongs in a hip-hop video. “Sure, I’m having some issues with the Litman case, though.”
I perk my brow, not meeting her gaze. “What’s going on?”
She clears her throat. “The baby momma didn’t show up for court, and according to her lawyer, she doesn’t plan on showing up at all. Even after offering to pay her way back from Europe, she is adamant about not coming back. I haven’t told Mr. Litman yet, and I’m stressing over it because basically, we’re going to set court dates for the hell of it, money wasted and everything.”
Fuck, that sucks. Kirby is going to be pissed. “Have you tried asking if she’ll just give up custody?”
“Yeah, I even sent the papers over, but she said she will sign when she gets a chance.”
I shake my head. “Well, isn’t she a piece of work.”
“That’s the nice way of putting it. I know we can win, but I have a feeling this might be drawn-out.”
I look over at her after putting my files and laptop in my work bag. “Are you preserving all the communication between you and her lawyer?”
Willa nods, and I can tell by the look on her face she is over this case. Some cases just take the joy out of you. Especially custody battles with a deadbeat parent. “I am.”
“Bring them and show them to the judge at the next court date. Present everything he has and motion for custody right there.”
“I am worried since she’s the mom, they’ll push for her to be present.”
“But if she won’t show up, what can be done?”
“I’ll try, but usually with mothers, it’s different.”
I shrug. “Yeah, because you don’t have mothers like this chick, who just abandon their child. With drug abuse, they want the parent to get help. But when it’s straight-up abandonment or neglect, a judge can’t turn their back on that. Especially with such a great father who just wants to protect his daughter.”