Gone

by Cronk, LN

“You wander around a lot.”

  “I do?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What else?”

  “You love watching game shows on T.V. and playing along with the contestants.”

  “I do?” I asked her, putting a forkful of potatoes in my mouth.

  “Yeah.”

  “Am I any good?”

  “Oh, no!” she laughed, shaking her head. “You’re awful.”

  “Tell me something else.”

  She thought for a moment.

  “You ask a lot of questions,” she said.

  “Like what?”

  “Like what day it is, or where we’re going.”

  “Over and over again?” I guessed.

  “Sometimes,” she admitted.

  “You must feel like you’re living in an insane asylum,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Not at all,” she smiled, laying her hand on my face and stroking my cheek gently with her thumb.

  I put my fork down on my plate and looked at her eye again.

  “Did I do that?”

  “No!” she said, quickly taking her hand off of my face and putting it to her own.

  “Do you promise?”

  “Yes,” she said. “I promise. I just walked into a door.”

  ~ ~ ~

  THE BIRDFEEDER WAS inches from my nose . . . I had probably been talking to it. I hoped I hadn’t been eating birdseed.

  I turned slowly, surveying the backyard. It was covered with snow. Tanner was sitting on the deck, watching me.

  I walked across the yard. “Hi, Tanner.”

  “Hi, Dave,” he smiled.

  “Babysitting?” I asked, trudging up the steps.

  “We prefer to call it ‘Dave-sitting’.”

  “Fantastic. That sounds much better.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Where’s Laci?”

  “She and Ashlyn went out to lunch.”

  “Well, good,” I said, surprised. “I’m glad she’s getting out and doing stuff.”

  “I made her go,” Tanner explained.

  “Oh,” I said, nodding. “Thanks. Thanks for doing that.”

  “No problem,” he said. “But she’s gonna be sorry she missed you.”

  “Maybe I’ll still be here when she gets back?”

  “Maybe,” he agreed. “It’s hard to tell.”

  “Well, anyway, thanks.”

  “Sure. No problem.”

  I brushed snow off of a chair and sat down.

  “When did it snow?” I asked.

  “Yesterday.”

  “First snowfall?”

  “Second,” he said. “We got a dusting last week.”

  “Is it . . . is it November?” I asked.

  “The twenty-ninth,” he nodded.

  “I missed Thanksgiving?”

  He nodded gently. I sat quietly for a moment, deciding not to find out who I had missed seeing.

  “She really did a number on her eye, didn’t she?” I asked after a minute.

  “Yeah,” he nodded.

  “What exactly happened?” I asked casually. “She said something about slipping on the ice?”

  “Yeah,” he agreed, pointing toward the front of the house. “Fell right against the railing.”

  “Ouch,” I said, shaking my head. “I sure am glad she didn’t get hurt worse than she did.”

  “Yeah,” Tanner said. “Me too.”

  ~ ~ ~

  LACI WAS STANDING right next to me. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and I looked at her in the mirror.

  “You’re doing good,” she nodded encouragingly.

  “Gee, thanks,” I said wryly through my mouth full of toothpaste.

  She looked at me questioningly but didn’t say anything else. I finished brushing and then I rinsed and spit. I looked at her in the mirror again.

  “It’s me,” I told her.

  “I thought maybe it was,” she smiled, stepping closer. I turned to face her and then I tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. I ran my finger gently over the skin under Laci’s eye. Most of the swelling was gone, but her eye was still bloody and I could still see faint remains of the bruise under her skin.

  “I did this,” I told her.

  She shook her head, pulling away from me slightly. “No.”

  “Yes, I did. I did this to you.”

  She swallowed hard and didn’t say anything.

  “I don’t want you to keep things from me,” I said. “I know you don’t want to upset me and I know you’re trying to protect me, but I wanna know the truth, okay?”

  Tears welled up in her eyes and she nodded slightly.

  “What happened?”

  “You . . . you were upset,” she began. “You didn’t know who I was and you thought I was breaking into the house or something and you tried to call 9-1-1.”

  “And?”

  “I tried to take the phone from you and you hit me.”

  I dropped my eyes to the ground for a moment and shook my head. Then I looked back up at her.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “It wasn’t you.” She smiled. “It was Anti-Dave.”

  “I don’t like Anti-Dave,” I told her.

  “He’s usually not so bad.”

  “How often do I get like that?”

  “Not very often,” she assured me. “I think it was one of the medicines you were on. We took you off it and nothing like that’s happened since then.”

  “Okay,” I nodded, stepping closer to her and stroking her hair, “but I meant what I said. I don’t want you keeping things from me. From now on, if I ask you something, I want you to be honest with me . . . okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  ~ ~ ~

  TANNER’S DOG, Winnie, was sitting next to me on the living room floor, letting me rub her ears.

  “Hey, Winnie,” I said, ruffling her fur. “How you doin’ ol’ girl?”

  She licked my hand.

  “Where’s Laci?” I asked her. “Do you know where Laci is? Is your daddy babysitting? Where’s your daddy?”

  I rubbed her ear and she pressed her head against my hand appreciatively. I gave her a final pat and stood up.

  It was dark outside. A game show was blaring on TV. I picked up the remote and turned it off.

  “Where ya at, Tanner?”

  “Down here,” his voice came from the basement.

  “Hi,” I called.

  “Hi,” he called back. “I’ll be right up.”

  “Take your time.”

  I heard the lid of the washing machine close and then the sound of his heavy feet, trudging up the stairs.

  “Where’s Laci?” I asked.

  “Choir practice.”

  I nodded.

  “Any chance I could get you to eat an apple?” he asked.

  I looked at him questioningly.

  “It would really make Laci happy if she gets home and finds out you ate an apple.”

  “Sure,” I said. “I’ll eat an apple.”

  “Great.” He turned toward the kitchen.

  “No!” I said, sharply. “I can get it myself.”

  He turned back and looked at me.

  “I’m not an invalid.”

  “I know,” he said.

  “Not yet, anyway,” I muttered, walking past him.

  I walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple. I thought about cutting it up, but the whole process of finding a knife and figuring out how to use it seemed a little too much. I rubbed it off on my shirt and walked back into the living room.

  Tanner was on the couch. He had taken over rubbing Winnie’s head. I sat in my chair.

  “I’m mad at you,” I said, glaring at him.

  “Why?” he asked. “Because I wanted to get you an apple?”

  “No!” I snapped. “Because you lied to me.”

  “About what?”

  “About Laci. About her eye.”

  “Oh,” he said.

&nb
sp; “I don’t appreciate being lied to.”

  He looked at me.

  “I mean it, Tanner. When I’m . . . when I’m here, I don’t want to spend all my time wondering if everybody’s lying to me.”

  “Laci didn’t want me to tell you.”

  “Well I don’t care what Laci wanted,” I said. “I want you to tell me the truth, so if I ask you something, I want you to tell me – okay?”

  I expected him to nod, but he didn’t.

  “Okay?” I asked again.

  “No,” he said. “Actually, it’s not okay.

  I looked at him, surprised.

  “What you’re asking me to do,” he said, “is to choose between the two of you. If you want one thing and Laci wants something else, then you’re asking me to take your side.”

  “Look, I– ”

  “Is that really how you want it?” he interrupted. “Laci’s gonna have a lot of hard decisions to make in the years ahead. Do you really want me giving her a hard time every time she has to decide something?”

  I was quiet for a minute.

  “No,” I finally said. “Laci knows what I want, but if she needs to do something else . . . then I guess she should be able to do it.”

  “That’s what I figured,” Tanner said, nodding in a satisfied manner. “Now eat your apple. I wanna be able to show Laci an empty core when she gets home.”

  ~ ~ ~

  THE T.V. WAS on . . . another game show.

  No wonder my mind was turning to drivel.

  I looked around, wondering where Laci was.

  I needed to go to the bathroom. I stood for a moment and got my bearings. I was okay by myself . . . I certainly hadn’t forgotten how to go to the bathroom.

  Just down that hall, first door on the right.

  A few minutes later Laci found me in the bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Putting on big-people clothes.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea . . .”

  “Laci, it’s me – David! I don’t need a diaper.”

  “David, I–”

  “Look, Laci,” I said, raising my voice a little more than I meant to. “I understand that Anti-Dave might need a diaper, but right now I’m ME and I don’t need a diaper.”

  “Okay,” she said, raising her voice right back. “But how long are YOU going to be here?”

  “I . . . I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “No, you don’t,” she agreed. “And when Anti-Dave shows up again and he’s not wearing a diaper then I’m the one who’s gonna have a big mess to clean up.”

  We both stood there for a moment, staring at each other.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally said.

  “No,” she said. “I’m sorry. You should be able to wear what you want. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

  I took a deep breath.

  “I’ll wear ’em.”

  “No, no . . .”

  “Yes, I WANT to wear diapers. As a matter of fact, I can think of nothing more that I want to do right now than to wear diapers.”

  “They . . . they’re actually called ‘adult undergarments’.”

  “Well now, that makes it all better, doesn’t it?”

  She smiled at me.

  “Can you get me a different brand?” I asked.

  “Sure,” she said, puzzled. “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted, “but something very sexy. Anti-Dave and I still wanna look good for you.”

  ~ ~ ~

  TANNER AND LACI and I were all sitting together at the dining room table. We were having what appeared to be lunch.

  “Hi,” I said.

  They both looked at me.

  “Hi, Tanner,” I clarified. “Hi, Laci.”

  “Hi,” they both smiled.

  “How you doing?” Tanner asked me.

  “Fine,” I said.

  “Good,” Tanner said. “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  “Where are you going?” I asked as he picked up his plate which was still full of food.

  “Winnie needs to go out,” he said, heading to the kitchen.

  “Tanner’s here a lot,” I observed after he’d gone onto the deck.

  “Yes,” she nodded.

  “Isn’t he missing work?”

  “Tanner . . . he retired,” she said, hesitantly.

  “He RETIRED?” I cried. “He’s too young to retire!”

  “He had thirty years in.”

  “But he was a teacher. He can’t possibly have enough money to retire already. Is he going to do something else?”

  “Yes.”

  “What?”

  She looked at me and then took my hand.

  “Come here,” she said. “I want to show you something.”

  She led me to the guest bedroom. The closet door was open and it was full of clothes. A ball cap hung on the bed post. Giant sneakers rested on the floor.

  “Tanner’s living here,” I finally said, slowly.

  She nodded, squeezing my hand.

  “And he’s helping you,” I said.

  “Yes,” she answered, pulling me into the hall. “Now come here.”

  She led me to our bedroom.

  “This is ours,” she said.

  “I know.”

  “We sleep here . . . together,” she explained. “I’m always here with you.”

  “I know,” I said. “I didn’t think anything else.”

  She looked relieved.

  “I’m glad you have help,” I assured her. “I’m glad it’s Tanner.”

  She smiled and wrapped her arms around me.

  “I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

  ~ ~ ~

  TANNER WAS SITTING next to me – his chair pulled close to mine. His hand was resting gently on top of my arm and he was reading aloud from Greg’s Bible, which was propped up between us. He was reading from Genesis – the story of how Joseph’s brothers had sold him into slavery and how eventually Pharaoh had put him in charge of the whole land of Egypt. Tanner was at the part where Joseph’s brothers had come to Joseph for food during a famine – not realizing that he was their very own brother whom they had sold into slavery years before. Joseph had just set them up – hiding a silver cup in Benjamin’s sack and insisting that Benjamin now become his slave. Judah was pleading with Joseph to allow Benjamin to return to their father Jacob with his other brothers – offering to stay as a slave in place of the boy.

  “So now, if the boy is not with us when I go back to your servant my father and if my father, whose life is closely bound up with the boy’s life, sees that the boy isn’t there, he will die. Your servants will bring the gray head of our father down to the grave in sorrow. Your servant guaranteed the boy’s safety to my father. I said, ‘If I do not bring him back to you, I will bear the blame before you my father, all my life!’”

  Normally – when I suddenly found myself alone with Tanner – I would ask him how Laci was doing and – whenever I found myself alone with Laci – I would ask her how he was doing.

  Tanner would always tell me that Laci was fine and she would always tell me that nothing had changed with Tanner.

  (I also asked about Amber a lot and both of them always assured me that she was fine. I wasn’t sure if I believed them, however, because they also said the same thing about my dad even though one day – when I’d been looking through the Bible where we kept birth announcements and stuff like that to see if Lily’s baby had been born – I had found his obituary.)

  But this time I didn’t ask Tanner about Laci or my dad or Amber. Instead, I closed my eyes and I listened to him reading the Bible to me in his deep, resounding voice with the unfamiliar feel of his hand resting gently on my arm.

  “No then, please let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave in place of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. How can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me? No! Do not let me see the misery that would come upon
my father.”

  Tanner stopped reading, I opened my eyes.

  “Why’d you stop?” I asked.

  “I thought you were asleep,” he said gently.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head.

  He didn’t say anything.

  “Keep reading,” I said. “This is my favorite part.”

  “Really? Why?” he asked with a little smile on his face as if he were humoring me.

  “Because God is sovereign,” I told him.

  He looked at me questioningly, and I had the feeling that Anti-Dave didn’t use words like “sovereign”.

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back again.

  “Keep reading.”

  It was silent for a moment and I knew that Tanner was trying to figure out just exactly whose arm his hand was on and exactly who he was reading the Bible to. After a moment he took his hand off of my arm, but then he started reading again . . . finishing the story about how God works everything out for good.

  ~ ~ ~

  I WAS SITTING in a pew at church – everybody else around me was standing. In my hand I held a length of cotton . . . the kind they pack into the top of pill bottles.

  Tanner was standing next to me, holding a hymnal, and I looked up to find Laci singing in the choir.

  I stood and put the cotton on the seat behind me.

  Tanner looked at me.

  “Hi, Tanner,” I said quietly, trying to look on in his hymnbook with him.

  “Hi, Dave,” he said, moving it toward me. He pointed to where we were, but I had a hard time following along, so I finally gave up and just watched Laci singing.

  After a moment she looked toward me and Tanner. She seemed surprised to see me standing there. I waved my hand at her and smiled.

  She looked at me questioningly and raised her hand to sign to me.

  Dave?

  I nodded at her and smiled again.

  She set her hymnal down behind her and hurried from the front of the church down to me.

  “Hi,” she whispered, hugging me.

  “You didn’t have to come down here,” I said, whispering and hugging her back.