Unclaimed Regrets

by Stacy M Wray

  I try to clear my head from thoughts of Addie so I can get some sleep. I promised I’d help Luke on the farm tomorrow, and I won’t be much help if I don’t get some rest.

  chapter nine

  ADELYN

  Waking up to the aroma of coffee and bacon is the best way to start a day, realizing this is one of the small luxuries in life that I miss about being home. There’s something very comforting about being back in my old room, knowing my parents are under the same roof. Maybe it’s odd for me to think that at my age but I feel like it’s nourishing my soul. It’s like I’m meant to be here; to recharge my emotional energy.

  My mom has her back to me, facing the sizzling action on the stove, as I enter the kitchen. “Morning, Mom. That smells delicious.” She turns around with a knowing smile on her face.

  “Good morning. Did you sleep well?” She puts the bacon on a plate layered in paper towels to soak up the grease and begins whisking some eggs as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

  “Like a baby. It’s weird being in my old room, but I like it,” I tell her, getting the creamer out of the refrigerator. “Where’s Dad? Already to work?”

  “You know your father, never one to sit around idly. I’m sure his stomach will bring him in shortly. Breakfast is almost ready.”

  It doesn’t take long for her to finish cooking the scrambled eggs, plating me a wonderful breakfast. I smile at her, appreciating being waited on. It’s been a long time.

  She eyes me as she sits down, waiting for me to say something about last night. I know her well. When she can no longer stand it, she asks, “Well…how was the reunion?”

  I swallow my bite before telling her, “It was pretty fun…” I’m not sure I’m really ready to talk about it though.

  “Adelyn Marie Winters, you’re killing me here. Was Trey there? Did you talk to him?” Her eyes are wide with anticipation as she waits for my answer.

  “Oh, he was there alright, and I did talk to him a little, but it wasn’t what I expected,” I tell her, the sound of my dejected voice telling her what she wanted to know.

  “What happened? Was he with someone?” My mom has always loved Trey from the beginning, and I know she was so upset when we didn’t end up together. If I could count all the times we sat at this kitchen table discussing Trey, it would be a miracle. She has always been so easy to talk to, being my soundboard for everything.

  I shake my head. “No, not that I could tell. He’s just very bitter and wasn’t that nice.” I look at her, seeing the surprise in her eyes.

  “That doesn’t sound like Trey at all. You never got a chance to sit down and talk?” she asks.

  “I tried, Mom, but he said he had nothing to say to me. I wish I knew why he was being so hateful. You would think after the history that we had that we should be able to sit down and have a conversation.” The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get.

  She reaches out and pats me on the arm. “I’m sorry, dear. I can’t for the life of me imagine him acting like that. There’s got to be an explanation.”

  “One I may never know,” I say defeated.

  “Well, there’s a VCC tonight. We should all go. Who knows, maybe Trey will show up.” She says this with a little too much excitement.

  I’ve always loved the VCC’s, village common cookouts. It’s our version of having a summer festival for no reason at all. Everyone gathers in the village common, bringing their favorite dish, and the men gather around the huge grill, cooking up hotdogs, hamburgers, Italian sausages and chicken. There’s usually some form of live entertainment from some of the locals. It’s been a tradition around here forever.

  This puts a smile on my face. “A VCC is just what I need. That sounds like fun.”

  *****

  I spend the rest of my day helping my dad out on the farm. I hadn’t realized how much I missed this life. So much has changed from ten years ago, and sometimes I wish I could just go back. Go back to the end of my senior year and do things all over. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works.

  Mom and I make a huge pan of macaroni and cheese to take to the VCC, along with a cherry cobbler. I skipped lunch today remembering how much food is at these cookouts. It should be fun seeing all the locals whom I haven’t seen in so long. Then my nerves settle in, wondering if Trey will be there. Maybe he took off and headed home today, wherever that may be.

  There is already a huge crowd when we show up in the village common. Tables are set up everywhere and kids are running all over the place, having a great time. Just as I suspected, there’s a small band set up but they haven’t started playing yet. There’s even a little booth set up so the young ones can get fun things painted on their faces. There’s already a line formed.

  We place our dishes on one of the long tables set up for the smorgasbord, putting the dessert on a separate table. It’s not long before people recognize me and want to know what’s been happening the last ten years. I’m not willing to discuss a lot of it so I’m very vague in my answers.

  I spot Nancy Miller, my boss when I worked at the library, and I walk over to her to say hello. She lights up when she sees me approaching her.

  “Oh, my goodness, look who it is,” she exclaims, pulling me into an embrace. “How have you been, Adelyn?”

  “Great! How are you, Mrs. Miller?” She was so great to work for and loves the library just as much as me.

  “Oh, I’ve been so busy with the new library and trying to get it ready for the grand opening. Did your mom tell you about it?” she asks excitedly.

  “No, she forgot to mention that. I didn’t realize there was a new library. Where’s it at?”

  “It took over where that chain hardware store went out of business. It’s the perfect location, and we’ve been working diligently on it. It won’t be long now.”

  “That’s fantastic! I can’t wait to see it.” A part of me is sad that the old library won’t be there anymore. It’s so much a part of this town, but I also realize that space was always an issue and something was finally being done about it.

  Changing the subject, she continues. “Your mom tells me you’re a book cover designer and has shown me some of your work throughout the library. I’m so proud of you, Adelyn. You’ve done well for yourself.”

  “Well, thank you, Mrs. Miller. I love what I do. Art and design have always been a part of me.”

  She has a look on her face like she’s had the most brilliant idea. “Say, Adelyn, how long are you in town for?”

  Wondering what she’s hinting at, I tell her, “I’m not really sure. I was just taking it day by day.”

  “I was wondering if you could do a little something for the library. Maybe design our banner for the grand opening and some fliers to hang around the local businesses? If you can’t, I understand. I know it’s a lot to ask,” she says.

  I think about this for a minute. I’ve brought my laptop and all of my accounts with me so I can work from anywhere. The thought of having a hand in the new facility excites me. “I’d be honored to.”

  She’s overjoyed at my acceptance. “Oh, I’m so glad I ran into you. Let’s set up a meeting to go over all of this on Monday. Can you come by my office at nine?”

  “Sure, nine is great. Thanks for the opportunity to pitch in,” I tell her.

  “No, thank you, dear. Now I’d better go find my other half before he starts eating things he’s not suppose to have.” I remember my mom telling me her husband suffered a heart attack earlier in the year, and he’s on a much-restricted diet, so I nod to her in understanding.

  “It was great seeing you,” I say. She tells me the same and makes her way through the crowd.

  My mom approaches me. “I saw you talking to Nancy. Did she tell you about the new library?”

  “Yes, she did. I can’t believe you failed to mention that to me,” I say to her.

  “I’m sorry. It slipped my mind. The whole town is excited about it, everyone volunteering their time to help with it.”

&nb
sp; “Well, I’ve just been asked to design a banner and some fliers, so it looks like I’ll be hanging around a bit longer than I anticipated.” I see her light up at my comment.

  “Oh, that’s so wonderful, Addie. Your dad will be thrilled to hear that.” She’s practically bouncing with joy.

  The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I spent many years working in the library and I want to do my part to help. Just as I’ve finished this thought, I spot a familiar figure through the crowd, and my heart plummets. It’s not just Trey I see though…he’s with Amanda Jewel and there is a little boy with them, holding Trey’s hand. I can hardly breathe, taking in the sight. Is he seeing her? Is that their child?

  My mom notices my reaction and follows my eyes to the source of my noticeable pain. She knows all too well the grief Amanda has caused Trey and me. She looks just as shocked as I do. “Well, he really has changed if he’s been spending time with her.”

  My excitement for being here has just vanished. I don’t understand how he could be with her after how much he disliked her in high school. But the real clincher is the little boy. Could Trey be his dad?

  “Dear, do you want me to take you back to the house?” she asks, her voice laced with so much concern. “You’re as pale as can be.”

  “Yes, please. I thought I was stronger than this, Mom, but I can’t see them together, and I certainly don’t want him to see me reacting like this. Do you mind?” I’m so angry with myself for letting them get to me.

  “Not at all. Let me find your father and let him know. I’ll just say you aren’t feeling well.”

  I give her a weak smile. “Thanks, Mom.” She hurries to find Dad and then she makes the short drive home. I fight the tears all the way there.

  When we get there she asks, “Do you want me to stay with you?”

  Shaking my head, I say, “No, I really would rather be alone right now. Go back and enjoy the cookout, okay? Dad will be waiting for you.”

  She nods in understanding. I get out and barely make it through the door before the floodgate of tears cascade down my face. There’s a reason this affects me so much, one that my mom has no idea about. It’s something that I’ve never told another living soul. Only Trey and I know, unless he’s shared it with someone.

  It was almost the end of our senior year. We had been together for over two years, and we were so in love. Things were starting to get a little tense though with all the talk about me being accepted to Purchase College. Trey had no plans to attend college; it just wasn’t for him. He wanted to continue with his construction job, planning on making a career out of it. I supported him wholeheartedly, knowing that was his passion.

  We both knew how hard this was going to be, we weren’t kidding ourselves. Long distant relationships were challenging at best, but we kept telling ourselves it was only a four-hour drive and we would see each other as much as we could. I think we were both feeling optimistic but there was always that little seed of doubt planted.

  Then one day, I noticed my pants weren’t fitting and my breasts were getting bigger. I was shocked Trey hadn’t already pointed that out. I wasn’t stupid, panicking when the thought crossed my mind. When was my last cycle? I quickly flipped through my calendar. Shit! This can’t be – I’m on the pill.

  Before I freaked out any more, and maybe for no good reason, I got in my car and made the trip to the next town over to the nearest drugstore to obtain a pregnancy test. The whole trip there and back was a total fog, and somehow I operated on autopilot.

  Thankful that my mom and dad weren’t home at the time, I ran upstairs to my bathroom to perform the test. It was the longest five minutes of my life. All my hopes and dreams of going to Purchase flashed before my eyes. I broke out in a cold sweat, pacing back and forth on the bathroom tile. Please don’t let it be positive!

  I stopped and examined the white strip that blared at me from the countertop. The small window had a pink plus sign appearing and I immediately rushed to the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach.

  After rinsing my mouth, I sagged to the floor, bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t do this right now. How could I tell my parents? They would be devastated. How would Trey react? How did this fucking happen? I had been on the pill for over a year.

  When no more tears came, I gathered the test and disposed of all its contents in the outside trash. I had to talk to Trey. I was scared out of my wits right now and I needed him desperately.

  I called him on his cell phone, praying he would hear it. He was probably doing afternoon milking right now, but there’s no way it could wait.

  He picked up on the third ring. “Hey, baby, what’s up?”

  The sound of his voice had me in tears, not knowing what this information would mean for him.

  “Addie?” I heard the panic in his voice. “Addie, why are you crying? What’s wrong, baby?”

  I composed myself as best I could and said, “Trey, I need to see you.”

  “What’s going on, Addie? Are you alright?” I knew I was scaring him, and I hated it, but I had to see him right away.

  “Please, Trey, can you come get me? I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important. Will your dad let you get away?”

  “I’ll work something out. Just sit tight, Addie, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He hung up and I started to cry again.

  He pulled into my driveway twenty minutes later. I ran out the door and climbed into his truck and the look on his face said it all. He was going out of his mind. He knew I wasn’t dramatic as a rule so for me to be acting like this there had to be a good reason.

  He pulled me into his arms. “Addie, you’re scaring the shit out of me. What’s going on?” Being in his arms was so comforting and the tears came once again. I tried to wipe them before he noticed.

  “Please, just drive us to our spot and I promise I’ll tell you everything.” He pulled me back to look at me, his thumbs catching my tears.

  “Okay,” he answered tersely.

  He drove way faster than he should have, sometimes scaring me. But I understood he needed to find out what put me in such a state. He pulled in our spot abruptly and turned the engine off. He turned in his seat to look at me, waiting for me to say something.

  Not one to sugarcoat things, I looked down into my lap, not being able to hold his gaze. “I’m pregnant, Trey,” I said to him so quietly that I was surprised he didn’t ask me to repeat myself.

  I gathered the courage to look at his face. There was shock but no disappointment to be seen. “How? You’re on the pill. Did you forget to take it?” It wasn’t accusatory, just a question.

  I shook my head in answer. “I took it like clockwork. I don’t understand.”

  He scooted over towards me and encased me in his arms. “Give me some time to let this sink in, okay? We’re going to get through this together…we’ll figure it out. No matter what, just know how much I love you.” I sank into him, his words comforting me like an old familiar blanket.

  When enough time had passed for him to digest my news, he gently pulled me back to look into my eyes. “I have to know, first and foremost, if you are considering not keeping our baby.” His words sent a chill down my spine. I hadn’t for one second considered that.

  “No, Trey, the thought never crossed my mind.” His comment kind of pissed me off. How could he think I would want that?

  He held his hands up in defense. “I had to ask, Addie. We’ve never had a discussion that involves that and I have no idea how you feel about it, but now I do. Just for the record, I would never want that either.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry. You’re right, how would you know how I felt about it if we never discussed it?”

  “Can I ask you something?” he said cautiously.

  “Anything,” I told him.

  “What was the first thought that went through your head when you found out?”

  Wow. I wasn’t sure. I thought for a moment, and I wasn’t sure he was going to like
my answer. “That I wouldn’t be able to attend Purchase in the fall.”

  He nodded and sat there quietly. I waited for him to say something but when he didn’t, I asked him the same question.

  He locked his eyes to mine and said, “I saw us together as a family – our future.” I immediately felt selfish. Shouldn’t that have been the first thing I thought of? Maybe. Maybe not.

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Finally, after having thought some more, I said, “But you’re not the one whose life has to be altered. Maybe in the long run, but not in the here and now.”

  He gave much thought to what I said and just answered with, “I know.”

  After that afternoon, Trey and I did all we were supposed to do by setting up a doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy. We decided I would go alone because in a town this small, people would talk and there was no way we were ready to share the news until we could figure things out on our own.

  It was confirmed like we thought. I found out from the doctor that the prescription I had taken for strep throat earlier had caused my birth control to be ineffective. She said that the information should have been attached to my medicine. I would never ignore information like that again for as long as I live. The whole thing made me feel so stupid and careless.

  We had many talks about how to handle this. Trey would work full-time in construction this summer, saving as much as he possibly could. We both knew I wouldn’t be going to Purchase and we both danced around the issue. Even though I tried to hide how devastated I was about not being able to attend, Trey knew.

  Every time my parents brought it up, I inwardly cringed and would navigate the conversation in a different direction.

  We had many discussions of when to tell our parents. He thought we should get it over with but I wanted to wait. I felt our relationship taking a bit of a toll; I was a little resentful that I wouldn’t be going to Purchase, and he seemed completely content knowing I would be staying in Northfield, having our child. I still didn’t know if I was going to put off going to community college for a year until after the baby was born. I hadn’t decided. I would make that decision once we told our parents, knowing I would get much needed advice.