Unclaimed Regrets

by Stacy M Wray

I don’t react to this and just say, “Oh yeah?” I pull my sandwich from my lunchbox. Lacey is one of my ‘friends with benefits’ but I haven’t contacted her in some time. I haven’t contacted anyone in some time. Ever since I got that damn invitation for the reunion, I’ve had Addie on my brain so much that I don’t think I could be with anyone even if I wanted to, which I don’t. After being around her this past week, I definitely can’t be with anyone. “I haven’t really been in the mood for Lacey lately, or anyone else for that matter.”

  He looks at me for a second and asks, “Are you seeing someone?” There is so much shock in his voice that it’s almost comical.

  “No,” I tell him, signaling that this is the end of the discussion.

  He nods in understanding and we start going over what’s to come in the following days.

  *****

  My days have flown by with as much work as there is to get done on the house in Shelburne. The library dedication in Northfield is tomorrow, and I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. I can only allow one day away from this job, though, so I know I’ll have my work cut out for me. I’ve spent these last two weeks going over and over what needs to be said to Addie and wondering how on earth I’m going to get her to talk with me.

  I pick up some take-out for my dinner on my way home from work. I built me a small cabin many years ago since I didn’t want much upkeep and I’m the only one living there. It’s very understated but I really like it. I work so much that I’m hardly there. I know this isn’t the quality of life I want to be leading though. I’ve always had the dream of building my own home on Lake Champlain, isolated from everyone, hoping to share it with a family some day. I’ve had the land for about five years now but have never done anything with it. I went by it the other day and just sat on it, imagining a life there filled with love, laughter and children. Okay, and Addie…always Addie.

  When I get home, I grab a beer out of the fridge and decide to eat on my small back patio. I’m surrounded by nothing but nature and it’s so peaceful. I lean back in my chair, looking up to the night sky, wondering what Addie is doing. Maybe she’s already in Northfield, having dinner with her parents. I wonder if she’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about her. A guy can only hope.

  Feeling beat, I decide to turn in early, hoping I’m not so anxious about tomorrow that I can’t sleep.

  *****

  The parking lot of the new library is already full so I circle around trying to find a parking space. There is quite a good-sized crowd gathered in front and pride fills me when I see the huge banner that drapes the front of it that Addie designed. It’s outstanding.

  I blend in with the crowd, the whole time scanning the area for Addie. I finally spot her up front with Nancy. She’s wearing a peach sundress and her hair is pulled up in a clip. She’s stunning.

  A glint bounces off of her neck, drawing my attention to it. When she moves a little, the glint stops and I see the source – it’s the snowflake necklace I gave her on our first Christmas together. My heart soars, knowing I’m not going to receive a better sign of hope.

  Nancy steps up to the podium and taps the microphone, beginning her speech. “Thank you all for coming today to show your support for our wonderful new library. I’m Nancy Miller and as many of you know, I have been running the library for the last eighteen years. As much as it pains me, and a lot of you, to be leaving our old library behind, it was a welcomed need for a better layout and room for the much-needed media rooms to keep in step with our changing times. But don’t worry, folks, there are still plenty of actual books inside.” This earns her chuckles from the crowd. “I’d like to thank Adelyn Winters for our beautiful banner that hangs above us. She use to work at the library when she was in high school, so she and I go way back.” She gestures towards Addie and the crowd begins clapping their approval. I can tell Addie is uncomfortable with the accolades…she always has been.

  When the applause dies down, Nancy continues, “This project wouldn’t have been brought to fruition without the volunteer work of so many talented individuals. Dawson Montgomery headed up the construction crew and their work was outstanding. Dawson, could you and your crew step up here please and be recognized.” Everyone claps as they make their way onto the makeshift stage. “Also, I’d like to personally thank Trey Masterson, one of our own who left his own worksite in Shelburne and donated an entire week of his time, working tirelessly to help us meet our deadline. Trey? Are you here?”

  She scans the crowd looking for me. I lift my hand in the air and say, “Right here, Nancy,” but my eyes aren’t on Nancy, they’re on Addie and a look of shock passes over her face as she hears my voice.

  Nancy spots me and says, “There you are. Could you please come up here?” The crowd breaks out in another round of applause as I head up towards the stage, standing directly beside Addie. I sense some uneasiness and realize I may have jumped to conclusions regarding the wearing of the necklace. My confidence dwindles as my nerves escalate. This is going to be harder than I thought.

  Nancy finishes her speech and then invites everyone inside to take a look around and for the reception that’s set up in the main lobby.

  The crowd begins to disperse, slowly making their way inside. I turn to Addie. “Hi.”

  She looks uncomfortable and says, “I really didn’t expect you here today.”

  Her comment, along with her tone, throws me off a little. I decide to be direct and not skirt around the issue. “I came hoping to see you.”

  A look of disbelief passes across her face but it just makes me more determined to get her to talk to me. She still hasn’t said anything, unsure of my motives.

  “Look, Addie, can we go somewhere and talk? We really need to talk.”

  Her hesitation before she answers feels excruciatingly long, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m too late…that maybe we came to opposite terms in the two weeks we’ve been apart.

  “Do you really think it’s a good idea, Trey? Maybe it’s time to just forget the past and move on. Why rehash everything if there’s nothing we can do to change it?”

  My eyes go straight to her necklace and her fingers fly up to touch it. Our eyes meet and hold each other. Both of us know that nothing needs to be said about the necklace – we both know the meaning behind the gesture. “Come to our spot with me?” I ask her, my voice laced with uncertainty.

  She looks away from me, studying the landscape, as if it holds the answer as to what she should do. Why is she making this so difficult? The longer she waits, the more agitated I become.

  “I don’t know, Trey. You sure it’s only going to be just us?” Her eyes narrow as she delivers her flippant comment and my anger starts to surface.

  “Dammit, Adelyn, I’m just asking for a conversation. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?” She can be such a pain-in-the-ass.

  She flinches at the rising volume of my voice but doesn’t look away from me. “Maybe because it has always been the three of us, Trey. And I’m not into threesomes.”

  I roll my eyes at this. “Stop being so melodramatic. I know Amanda has her faults but we need to discuss more important things.”

  She stews on this for several moments before she answers. “Fine. I’ll meet you there.”

  “What? No. There’s no reason you can’t ride in the truck with me. Quit being so stubborn and let’s go.”

  Without answering me, she takes off past me toward the parking lot. I smirk knowing her little dramatic exit is going to come up short since I’m not parked there. I wait for her to realize this.

  She finally stops and turns to me, still about ten feet ahead of me. “It might help if you told me where your truck is.” Her face is a little flushed and I have to keep my sarcastic remark to myself.

  Summoning all of my patience, I say, “This way, Addie,” as I turn to my left to head for the street where I’m parked. I know she’s even more pissed that her powerful exit was cut short.

  We get to th
e truck and I help her climb in even though I know she doesn’t really need it. She gives me a glare telling me as much. This is the Addie I know well and know how to handle. I’ve witnessed this countless times.

  Driving to our spot, the tension fills the cab of my truck in every crevice possible, seeking no escape. I’m not kidding myself and I know things are about to get extremely tense if we are to revisit our past.

  Pulling the truck into our spot, I make sure to park in some shade. We both remain quiet as we get out of the truck, walking to the back. I pull the tailgate down and drag a blanket over it in case the metal is hot. We both hop up, feet dangling, neither one of us not knowing where to start.

  We’re both staring straight ahead and I decide I should go first since I asked for this rendezvous. “I’m sorry for the way things went down at the reunion and, well…the rest of the week. I was a complete ass.”

  “No argument here,” she quips.

  I sigh heavily, knowing this is about to get ugly. I know I need to address certain things about Amanda, thinking once I do, this conversation can be steered in the right direction.

  “First, let me start off by telling you something I should’ve made clear at the beginning of your visit here a few weeks ago…I’m not seeing Amanda…and Jackson is not mine. We’re just friends but I’ll go into that all later.” I can feel the tension leave her body as soon as the words leave my mouth. I know this has been the elephant in the universe lately and it was something she needed to hear.

  “But I don’t want to discuss Amanda any more since she really isn’t the issue at hand,” I say, sighing heavily.

  Her head whips in my direction and she says tersely, “Amanda has always been the issue at hand. She’s been wedged between us since - ”

  “Adelyn.”

  “What?”

  “I’m not talking about Amanda. I’m talking about what happened that tore us apart.”

  “Yes, let’s discuss that, Trey, because I would certainly love to know that little crumb of information that’s been gnawing at me for ten years. Ten years with no explanation and I was forced to believe that our love wasn’t strong enough to get through even one semester of me being away at college. You certainly gave that your best shot. Kudos to you.”

  I rub both hands down my face as her sarcasm washes over me and stare out into the open meadow before me. “The fact is that I called you one night at college and some guy answered your phone. He blatantly led me to believe that you guys were together, not having a clue as to who I was.” She whips her head in my direction to say something and I hold my hand up to stop her. She closes her mouth and let’s me finish. “That’s when I decided to drive to Purchase myself and ask you about it. I was parked outside your building, trying to gather my thoughts before I confronted you, when I saw you come out with another girl and some guy. His arm was around you and yours was around him. What was I suppose to think, Addie? That said it all to me. I was so hurt and pissed that I started up my truck and drove right back home.” I think about this for a minute, adding, “Looking back, that was really stupid of me.”

  She looks at me, her eyes asking me My turn? and I nod. Her demeanor has softened somewhat and she says, “I’ve actually thought about this since you brought it up at the library. He had to have been a guy from my art class. We were partnered to draw each other and one night we were in my dorm room with my roommate, I might add, when we all decided to order a pizza. When it came, my roommate and I went downstairs to let the guy in and pay for it. That’s the only time I can think of when someone would have access to my phone. I could tell he liked me, but I didn’t think much of it, Trey. I was missing you so much. We ended up doing shots that night and then he mentioned we should go to a party he knew of. That must be what you saw…us leaving to go to the party. I’m sorry if I had my arm around him, but we were pretty drunk when we left our dorm. I realize now what that must have looked like. I never once even thought about another guy, Trey.”

  We both sit there and let everything soak in, realizing that we just pissed away ten years based on a misunderstanding and pride. All anger dissipates into an unbearable heartbreak. The longer we sit there, the more I know that it’s more my fault than hers. If I just would’ve answered her phone calls, we could’ve had it out and moved on. I’m so pissed at myself and can barely contain the agony that is building up in my chest.

  Then she says it out loud, “If you would’ve answered my calls, none of this would have happened. Why didn’t you just answer my fucking calls? Do you know how that made me feel? We had been through so much and you couldn’t even take my call?”

  “I thought you were cheating on me, Addie. Why would I take your fucking call?” I shout back at her. I pause before adding my next comment, which I know will open a world of hurt. “But I’ve got to be honest when I tell you it wasn’t just what I saw that night…it also stemmed from the baby we lost. I never got over the fact that I felt you were relieved that you lost it - that gutted me, Addie, and I had a hard time getting past that.”

  She looks stunned by my admission and puts her face in her hands, crying unashamedly for our baby. And maybe for us. I scoot over to her and wrap my arms around her, her head going to my chest. Every one of my senses awakens at the contact of her body next to mine. I love the euphoria of holding her again, but I hate the reason behind it. I hold her while she cries, tears escaping from my own eyes, dropping onto the top of her head. I lean down and whisper in her ear, “It’s okay, Addie. Just let it all out. I’ve got you, baby.”

  When she has no tears left to cry, she slowly sits up and out of my hold. She looks at me and my hands go to her face, wiping her tears with my thumbs. Those beautiful, brown eyes are filled with such a deep sorrow, the same sorrow I’ve seen in my own.

  “I was relieved, Trey, and I’m so ashamed to admit it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a baby with you. I just wanted to follow my dream of becoming an artist. I always knew we’d have a family some day…I just didn’t want one right then. I have carried that guilt with me every day.”

  “I’m not judging you, Addie. I’m just conveying how a stupid eighteen-year-old kid saw the situation and couldn’t get past his own selfish thoughts. I wanted you to stay with me and have that baby. I was too selfish to realize that you just wanted it on different timing.”

  “We were both stupid and naïve, Trey. Most people are at that age. I just always thought we were strong enough to get through anything. I guess I was wrong.”

  Knowing that I was the weak one, I say, “I just never got over the hurt of losing our baby and how easily you moved on with your life. I didn’t handle it as well as you did.”

  She jumps off the back of the tailgate, pacing in circles. Finally she faces me, anger in her eyes. Shit! I’ve seen that look a million times and know she’s about to let me have it. “How dare you tell me that I moved on easily. How dare you! Everyone handles grief differently, Trey, and I handled it by diving into my work. The busier I kept, the more I stayed away from having that day eat at my insides. You don’t get to tell me how unaffected I was.”

  I jump off the tailgate and approach her, trying to take her in my arms.

  “Don’t touch me…” She turns and starts walking out into the open field.

  “Addie.” I call after her. “I’m sorry. Please come back here.”

  “Leave me alone, Trey,” she calls over her shoulder. I watch her walk around a group of trees and disappear.

  “Dammit!” I shout into the air, wishing it made me feel better.

  Well shit! I can’t just leave her out here – she has no way back. I go back to my truck and sit on the tailgate once more, thinking about everything we’ve just conveyed to each other.

  I use to think I was so mature for my age but looking back on the situation, I realize just how immature I was. I’ve spent all of these years punishing Addie in my mind for not acting the way I thought she should. But she’s right – I was such a monumental asshole, jud
ging her for how she handled the situation. Now I’m beginning to wonder if it’s too late. What if she can’t let go of the fact that I pretty much single-handedly kept us apart for ten years. That may be a crime unforgivable. She has always been very fair in her forgiveness but I don’t know if she can let this go.

  After sitting there for God knows how long, drowning in regret and panic that she won’t be able to get past this, I go in search of her.

  It doesn’t take me long to find her. She is sitting on a log along the edge of the field, her head hanging down looking at her feet. She slowly looks up when she hears me approach. I stop and wait to see if she’s ready to deal with me.

  The look on her face guts me, knowing I am fully responsible for it. But I don’t look away, keeping her gaze. I need her to know that I’m in. I’m not going anywhere until we work this out.

  “Addie, I was so wrong and was so stupid. But you’ve got to know that my feelings for you have never wavered. I knew I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and I knew that it was my fault…my pride. I’ve had to live with that every day knowing I let the love of my life slip through my fingers. I thought about finding you but I figured after how I behaved, you’d never want to see me again. I figured you had moved on and were happy.”

  I see a tear slip down her cheek. “That’s what’s so sad, Trey. I never was happy. Yeah, maybe on the surface, but not really.”

  Walking over to the log, I sit down beside her but give her plenty of space.

  “So many things could have been avoided…” She says this so quietly that I can barely make it out, not really sure how to respond.

  She starts grazing her fingers over some moss that has grown on the log. I can tell she’s deep in thought and I keep quiet, letting her have this time. She finally looks up at me and asks, “Were you being truthful when you said your feelings never wavered?” There’s a hint of hopefulness in her question and I latch onto it with the belief that we can come to terms with our wasted past.