Unclaimed Regrets

by Stacy M Wray

  Funny.

  That’s what pops into my head as I sit here.

  Rex ended up being put on life support since there is still blood flow to his brain and he can breathe without a ventilator. The doctors are remaining positive, but are quite blunt about the fact that this could end up being his quality of life.

  I know Rex has a living will, but I’m not sure about the specifics. The attending physician is to contact his family doctor and get a copy of it. I’m sure there’s one at the house, but Rex never told me where he kept it.

  As if I didn’t feel guilty enough about this horrific situation, the whispers and stares from his parents and siblings are enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin and out of this hospital. It’s never been a secret that they think Rex chose unwisely when it came to his marriage. I have been blamed for everything. It’s been very difficult living with someone who doesn’t own up to any of his own decisions.

  I guess thinking about that seems futile now.

  I’m sure my stoicism is just one more thing for them to condemn me for but it can’t be helped. I am numb. I am empty. I am devoid of all emotion. And it scares the living shit out of me.

  Perhaps there is one thing I feel and that’s guilt. I keep playing the “what if” game over and over in my head. I get so lost in that game that it’s easy to block out the stares and whispers.

  I’m his wife. I’m supposed to be a basket case, right? I’m supposed to be falling apart. Forgive me if I don’t even know what I feel toward this man who attempted to take me by force just hours ago. I have no idea how I’m supposed to be behaving due to the fact I’m not aware of the proper etiquette for a scene such as this.

  I get up from his bedside and leave the room. If I don’t get some air, I’m going to lose my mind. Walking all the way out of the hospital, I find some benches lined along a park-like setting and lower myself on one of them, thankful that no one else is around. My skin tingles as it acclimates from the chill of the air conditioning to the heated rays of the bright, August sun.

  I can’t get the vision of Rex’s car going through that intersection out of my head. I wished to God I had never witnessed such a thing and wonder if I’ll ever be able to look in a rearview mirror ever again without seeing that in my mind.

  I’ve already talked to the police, giving them my statement - explaining everything that happened up to that point. I told them everything except for what I thought was about to take place. I couldn’t talk about it and it seemed pointless. I explained that we had a horrid fight, that he had been drinking, although I wasn’t sure as to how much, and that he chased me when I ran out. They point blank asked me why his pants would be undone and hanging open. I told them I had no idea.

  I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and dial my parents. I still haven’t told them. As soon as I hear my mom’s sweet, caring voice, I don’t know how to get the words out, but my tears finally make an appearance and I can’t stop them.

  *****

  The small room they gave us for the meeting with Rex’s doctor is hardly suitable for as many people that want to be here. I sit off to the side, not wanting to be suffocated by his family.

  Dr. Tharp enters the room and takes a seat at the conference table. He has a manila folder in his hand that I’m assuming contains Rex’s living will. “I thought it might be easier to gather the family all together to read the contents of Mr. Bennett’s living will. I will answer any questions you may have after I have read it in its entirety,” he says in a caring voice.

  He begins. “This is a reading of the living will prepared by Rex Bennett on the fifteenth day of June 2009.” He clears his throat and reads the entire document to us. Chills run down my spine. It’s as if Rex knew this would be his demise and he planned for it, but no one could have predicted this, not in a million years.

  The document states that if there is any reason he needs the assistance to live, he accepts the assistance as long as there is reason to believe there could be a change in his outcome for the better. He is to be kept on assistance to live for no longer than one year. If at the end of that year no progress has ensued, the assistance to live shall be removed at the request of said preparer.

  Well, that’s that. He’s given himself a year and if he doesn’t improve within a year, he’s to be taken off, thus ending his life. His family seems relieved that they have a year. I don’t have words for what I feel, but the word that does come to mind is limbo – I could be in limbo for maybe the next year of my life.

  I pray that Rex comes out of this, I really do. He doesn’t deserve any of what’s happened, but if he hadn’t of gotten into that car accident I would be filing divorce papers on this day. What kind of person tries to divorce someone on life support? I don’t want Rex to lose his life, but I honestly don’t want to be married to him anymore. Am I a horrible person for thinking like this while he’s in a hospital bed fighting for his life? Perhaps I am.

  *****

  So this is my life now. It’s been one month since the accident and not much has changed. My mom had come to stay with me for a bit, and I appreciated that more than she could know; she’s always been my rock.

  Wade made the long haul also. I cry when I open the door to his smiling hipster face. Rex always felt threatened by Wade, not understanding our friendship. Every time Wade and I would try to meet and catch up, Rex would accuse me of sleeping with him. It put a strain on our friendship, but Wade understood and for a while we kept our friendship going through phone conversations only.

  Wade has me in his arms immediately and I let all the tension from the last month extinguish right there on my doorstep. “Just let it all out, Addie. You’ll feel so much better, I promise.” His voice is so gentle and caring, and I thank my lucky stars that I have him as my best friend.

  We finally make it inside and into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table. “Can I get you anything?” I ask him, “I know you just had a long drive.”

  “No, I’m good. I stopped before I got here to grab a bite.” He really looks at me and asks, “How are you doing, kiddo? I’ve been really worried about you.”

  “I’m hanging in there. I feel like my life is a scene out of the movie Groundhog Day. I get up and the same day just repeats itself. I’ve got to do something to stop it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, Wade. I feel so guilty if I try to just go on with my life when he’s lying there fighting for his.”

  “Have you been working at all? That might be a good start to getting back into the swing of things.”

  “No, not really. You’re right though, maybe it’s time.” I pause and think for a minute before I say, “I was going to leave him, Wade. Our marriage was in shambles and I was done. And now what the hell am I suppose to do?”

  He looks at me wide-eyed. “I had no idea it was that bad, Addie.” We both remain silent for a moment. “Now I understand how grey this is for you.”

  I look at him and study his eyes. Knowing what his next question will be, I say, “There’s been no change. I go visit him, and I feel so guilty because I can’t play the doting wife. I can only take on the role of a caring friend.”

  He gets up to grab us a beer out of the refrigerator and places it down in front of us. I must give him a funny look because he shrugs and says, “It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere. I have a feeling you could use this.” I glance at the clock and it’s only two in the afternoon but what the hell - my life is so off-kilter and he’s right…maybe we just need to get drunk. A little escape from my life couldn’t hurt.

  And drunk we get! We end up sitting on the floor with our backs propped up against the front of the couch. We talk about everything – everything except Rex and the accident. I had no idea how much I needed this.

  Finally, after all the avoiding, Wade says, trying not to slur his words, “Have you considered talking to someone, Addie?”

  “I am talking to someone, and you’ve already made me feel so much better.” I laugh, trying t
o keep my giggles at bay.

  Then he gets serious and says, “No, I mean a therapist or something. I think you would benefit from that, Addie. You’ve always been that person that does well with a sounding board and you’ve got a lot of shit to deal with.”

  I hadn’t even considered this but maybe he’s right. I’ve got more to deal with than he actually realizes. “Maybe,” I tell him.

  “Just think about it, okay? I know someone in the area and she would be great.”

  Deciding we need some food in us, I order us a pizza, and we devour it when it shows up.

  I want this semblance of normal in my life so much, and I know it will disappear with Wade out the door as soon as he leaves for home. As soon as I let my mind drift to my reality, it brings me down like a deflated balloon. Coming off my drunken high, I realize it’s time to gather my life together pieces at a time, and looking up Wade’s connection might be the first thing I do.

  I offer Wade the spare bedroom but he insists on crashing on the couch – it is pretty damn comfortable. I know he’ll have to leave in the morning since his job is pretty demanding. I’m just thankful that I got him for even this short amount of time since it has done me a world of good.

  Before Wade leaves the next morning, he gives me the contact information for Jackie Owens, the therapist he knows in Hartford. I promise him I will call her that day and set something up.

  “I wish I could stay longer,” he says, giving me one of his great hugs. “I promise to try to get away again soon, okay?”

  “I’m thankful you came, Wade. You always have a way of lifting me up,” I tell him, meaning every word.

  “Keep your chin up and call or text anytime.” He studies me for a minute before adding, “You are such a strong person, Addie. You are going to eventually come out of this nightmare even stronger.”

  This makes me smile, and I haven’t done a lot of that lately. “I hope you’re right, Wade.”

  Watching him pull out of my driveway and head back to New York, a wave of sadness overcomes me, and I’m determined to swallow it down. Summoning the strength Wade just pointed out, I go inside to call this Jackie Owens that he spoke so highly of.

  *****

  After six months, Rex remains on life support and there has been no change in his condition. His family is determined to keep him on it until his year is up.

  It’s been a long six months and I’m so tired of dealing with Rex’s family that I only go and visit him once a week. I talked to my therapist about it and she reminded me that I can do anything I want, and it’s not my job to try and please Rex’s family. What I want is my sanity back and I intend to get it.

  Having dived back into work, I take on as many assignments as I can get my hands on. I find that the busier I am, the happier I am.

  I’m on my way to my weekly session with my therapist now. I know I don’t need to go as often as I do, but I find that I really enjoy it, and it has helped me immensely to rid myself of all this guilt. At least I’m on the right path.

  Sitting in the waiting room, expecting to be called back soon, I check through my emails on my phone. Looks like a new client needs a book cover designed, and it’s an adult contemporary romance. I smile because these are my favorite to read. I quickly send her a contract to look over just before I hear my name announced.

  I walk into the room - one I’ve become quite familiar with, and I’m told Ms. Owens will be with me shortly. I take a seat on the loveseat and make myself comfortable, taking in my surroundings.

  This room isn’t anything like I would have imagined. It’s more like a scene out of someone’s living room. It’s decorated in reds and yellows and the feel is very comfortable and homey. The furniture is covered in a very tasteful tapestry and there’s even a fireplace in the corner.

  Jackie walks in and apologizes for having me wait. “It’s no problem,” I tell her.

  She sits down and gets situated, reading over her notes from our last session. “We briefly discussed the fact that you were considering the step to taking your name back. Have you given this any more thought?” she asks me, adjusting her glasses.

  “I really do think it would help with the process of trying to find myself again. I don’t want to be Adelyn Bennett anymore. I know that sounds harsh and I don’t mean for it to. Am I being selfish?”

  “Let me ask you this: Do you want to divorce Rex?” she asks me.

  Shaking my head, I answer, “No, I don’t feel that’s necessary. It would cause so much turmoil, and no one would understand my reasoning. I still haven’t divulged to anyone what happened during the last few months of our marriage, especially the day of the accident. I just want to be me again. Even if a miracle occurs, Rex and I wouldn’t be together again.”

  “I don’t really think it’s that big of a deal, Adelyn. If it helps to bring you toward the person you want to be identified with, then I say by all means do it.” Jackie has always been one to tell me to stop worrying about what other people think. “What do you want?” she’s always asking me. “What would make you feel more like yourself?” She’s been absolutely great, and I can’t thank Wade enough for the introduction.

  “I just worry that his family will see it as a slap in the face to Rex,” I tell her.

  “Adelyn, they don’t even have to know. It’s not something you need to announce to them. You just do it and move on.”

  I never really thought about it that way. She’s right – we have very little contact anyway. It’s not like I have anyone to explain myself to – I don’t have a boss or co-workers, and it’s just something I feel like I need to do; something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. “You’re right. I think I’m going to look into it.”

  “How are we doing with the nightmares?” she asks me.

  “I still haven’t had one in a few weeks. Do you think they will return?” I hate waking up to the vision of Rex being drug through that intersection again and again.

  “It’s hard to say. There may still be triggers, and you’ll have to be conscious of what events took place if you should happen to have one again.” She waits to see if I have anything to say to that and when I don’t, she asks, “How have your visits been going? Do you still feel like an imposter?”

  I nod and say, “Only I know how bad it was in the end and I don’t want to tarnish his reputation with his family or his friends. But it’s really hard for me to keep playing this role of his wife, because I have to be honest, I don’t feel like his wife. I feel like I’m just looking in on a friend.” She listens to what I’m saying and encourages me to go on with her eyes. “I have come to the realization that I’m so much happier now than I was six months ago, and the guilt is eating me alive. Because the reason I’m living on my own is because my husband has been living in a hospital.”

  “Adelyn, you said yourself that if Rex would have walked away from that accident with a broken leg and some cracked ribs, you would have gone through with divorce proceedings, correct?”

  I nod and say, “Yes, I would have.”

  “Do you think that you would be walking around with a bunch of guilt if that’s the scenario that had played out?” she asks.

  I think about this for a moment and answer, “No.”

  “You haven’t done anything wrong, Adelyn. You fell out of love with your husband, who apparently didn’t stay faithful to you. Yes, you both were to blame for your marriage falling apart, but he was the one who made the choices that he did. You’ve got to give yourself permission to be happy without dragging around all of the guilt. It’s awful what happened to Rex, but none of it was your fault, Adelyn, and until you realize that, the guilt will remain.”

  “I’m really working on that, I promise. It’s just going to take some more time, I’m afraid.”

  *****

  Walking into the hospital, I take the elevator to the fourth floor. As I pass the nurse’s station, Mindy looks ups ands says, “Oh, hey, Addie.”

  “How’s he doing today
?” I ask her, not expecting her answer to be any different than any other day.

  She gives me a wistful smile. “Still the strong, silent type, I’m afraid.”

  I nod in reply and go into Rex’s room. I’m a little relieved to find no one else is here so I can visit with him in peace. It’s been nine months now and every now and then something happens to give us a little hope, like you swear you saw his hand move or his eyes blink, but unfortunately it’s probably our eyes and minds playing tricks on us.

  I tell Rex all about the new book cover I’m designing since it’s his favorite genre – sci-fi. Filling him in on the story, I wish he could give me his input. Sometimes he would give me some great ideas when he would let me bounce things off of him. I really do miss the good days – not everything was bad in our marriage.

  After about an hour visit, I tell him I’ll see him next week and walk out of the hospital to my car.

  When I get home, I stop at the mailbox and see what looks like an invitation to our class reunion and it does all kinds of crazy to my insides. I immediately think of Trey and wonder if he’ll be there. Just thinking about it makes me a ball of nerves.

  Maybe I should bring this up at my next session and see what Jackie thinks.

  chapter twenty-one

  TREY

  After that horrid ride back to Vermont, I can’t bring myself to go back to my cabin since everything in it will remind me of Addie. I don’t want to think of her so I decide to stop at my parents’ farm instead.

  I really feel like getting hammered so I can forget everything that I just saw and heard today. Hoping Luke will be up for it, I pull in the driveway, park the truck and go inside to find him.

  He’s on the couch playing a video game. “Don’t you have a date tonight?” I ask him.