Time to Say Goodbye

by S. D. Robertson

  ‘Isn’t that what you want too, Will?’

  ‘Of course it is,’ I replied, fighting to keep my voice steady. ‘But I’m so ashamed of what I did. I feel like … I don’t deserve your forgiveness.’

  Her eyes met mine in an intense gaze. ‘That’s not for you to decide.’

  Then something caught her attention. She turned her head to one side, a puzzled look crossing her face.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked, looking around but not seeing or hearing anything.

  ‘I don’t have long. Listen, I know you don’t want to leave Ella. Believe me, I’ve been there. Letting go of a child is the hardest thing imaginable, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. We’re not meant to stay here as spirits. That’s not the natural order of things. As difficult as it might be for you to believe, she will be better off without you.’

  ‘But … I … after everything that’s happened. How could I … leave her? I promised her I wouldn’t.’

  ‘You’ve seen what will happen if you stay.’

  ‘She’ll think I’m no better than Dad.’

  ‘You have to let go. There’s a wonderful place waiting for you: everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. We can be together again and one day, when it’s her time, Ella can join us.’

  ‘But. I’m not sure I can.’

  Alice leaned forward, stretching her right arm out towards me. She raised her hand so it was almost cradling my cheek. She moved her face directly in front of mine, tilted to one side, as close as she could get without contact. I didn’t dare move for fear of touching her.

  ‘You have to find a way, my love,’ she whispered. ‘I’m sorry. There’s no more time.’

  She darted forward to kiss me and, as our lips touched, I felt a jolt – like a static electric shock – and then she was gone.

  ‘Alice, wait,’ I called after her, although my experience with Arthur and Lizzie told me it was futile.

  I started pacing up and down the garden. I had to work out what to do: who to listen to; who to believe. Mind you, no one was advising me to stay. Not even Arthur, who’d chosen to do so himself. That was all me. It was a voice inside my head that kept telling me I couldn’t leave her. It was always there, banging on at me, no matter what advice I received to the contrary. ‘She’s your little girl, your baby. You’re the only parent she’s got left. You promised you’d never leave her. How could you go back on that?’

  ‘Because that is what’s best for HER,’ I imagined Lizzie replying. ‘Stop thinking about yourself and focus on your daughter. You staying will do her far more harm than good. I’ve shown you that.’

  I felt like my head was about to burst.

  ‘Well, Lizzie? Why don’t you come and tell me so?’

  I’d been expecting her all day. I thought she’d be only too keen to remind me how little time I had left; to nudge me further in the ‘right direction’. That was why she arranged for Alice to visit, wasn’t it? So where was she?

  ‘Lizzie?’ I called. ‘Can I speak to you, please?’

  I stood in the garden, expecting her to arrive any second. Why not? She always had when I’d called her previously. But after a few minutes had passed, I knew she wasn’t coming. I waited nonetheless, staring at a Christmas tree twinkling at me from a neighbour’s conservatory. December the twenty-fifth was fast approaching, although that fact had hardly registered in the minds of my family yet. How could it after everything that had happened and with the huge hurdle of Dad’s funeral standing in the way?

  ‘Are you coming or not, Lizzie?’ I bellowed one last time.

  CHAPTER 30

  SIX DAYS LEFT

  By lunchtime the next day, despite several more attempts to contact her, Lizzie still hadn’t shown up. It was driving me mad now – like she’d abandoned me when I needed her most – so, to distract myself, I went with Mum and Lauren to see the funeral director. They had an appointment to discuss the arrangements for next week. I was in the back seat of Dad’s BMW, which Mum had just pulled up outside the funeral parlour. It was the first time I’d seen her drive his car, rather than her Corsa. She usually claimed to find it hard to park, but today she’d grabbed the keys and muttered something about it needing a run. As Lauren undid her seat belt, I braced myself to slip out of the door behind her. But before I had a chance to grab my window of opportunity, I felt a tap on my shoulder. The shock of being touched, when I was so unused to feeling anything, caused me to lurch forward into Lauren’s arm. That in turn catapulted me back on to the rear seat. There, with my head squashed against the fabric, I found myself staring into Lizzie’s eyes.

  ‘Hello, William. Sorry about that. How are you?’

  ‘How am I? Where on earth did you get to? I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday. I thought you’d abandoned me.’

  ‘I know. I can only apologize for that. I’ve been … well, let’s just say things have been hectic.’

  I shook my head. ‘Hectic?’

  ‘Yes. But I’m here for you now. Shall we go somewhere more comfortable?’

  I pulled away from her before she had a chance to touch me. ‘No. Here’s fine.’

  ‘Okay. No problem. What did you want to discuss?’

  ‘How about we start with Alice coming to visit me? That was a surprise. I believe you had something to do with it.’

  ‘Yes. And? Did it help?’

  ‘Was it really her?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘She said that Ella would be better off without me here and asked me to join her on the other side. She said she was waiting for me. Now that I’ve had time to think, it all seems a bit convenient. Like she was saying what you wanted me to hear.’

  Lizzie nodded. ‘I see why you might think that, but I can assure you there’s no conspiracy going on. Alice spoke for herself. I sent her because I’m trying to present you with all the facts before you make your decision. I think you know that I’m also the one who brought Arthur to you. It’s thanks to his advice that you made contact with Ella. Why would I do that if I wanted to push you towards passing over? My goal is for you to make that choice yourself because you believe it to be the right one. Anything less and I’ve failed.’

  ‘So you’re admitting your link to Arthur now, are you? Last time I mentioned him to you, you played dumb.’

  ‘There was a good reason for that,’ Lizzie sighed. ‘He and I both stepped outside the rules. He shouldn’t have—’

  ‘I know, I know. Arthur already explained. So why did you ask for his help?’

  ‘For you. I don’t want his fate to be yours.’

  She explained that Arthur had been one of her early assignments as a guide. The sacrifice he’d made by staying with his wife and then letting her pass over without him, forsaking his own chance at happiness, had always weighed on Lizzie’s mind. She still blamed herself for it. Then I came along: someone acquainted with Arthur, facing a comparable dilemma to his own. Plus there was the fact that Lizzie and I had both been killed in cycling accidents. Collectively, it felt like more than coincidence. So she interpreted it as a sign – and decided to act on it.

  ‘I had to do something different,’ she said. ‘I knew as soon as I met you that there was a chance of history repeating itself. Because of that, I chose to bend the rules, hoping it would lead you to the right decision. Bringing Alice here yesterday was part of that.’

  ‘But Arthur’s all right,’ I said. ‘He might have given up his chance of passing over, but he seems to be managing.’

  ‘He puts a brave face on it,’ Lizzie replied. ‘But he’ll never see his wife again. He could be with her in paradise now. Instead he’s trapped here. Alone. I do my best to stay in touch – to keep him sane – but I fear that one day it will get too much for him and he’ll lose what’s left of his humanity. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone.’

  I thought back to the ferocious spirit I’d encountered in the hospital corridor and shuddered at the idea of Arthur ending up like that.

 
‘So he made a mistake?’

  She shrugged. ‘Arthur did what he felt he had to. What he thought was right. It was a selfless act of love. But I doubt he’d advise anyone to do the same.’

  ‘Where is Arthur, by the way? I can’t get hold of him. I know he’s had to be careful since the pavilion incident. He said that was under control, but … he is all right, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes. Don’t worry. He’s having to keep an extra low profile for now, that’s all. Unfortunately, another guide has got wind of him helping you: Hardy, he’s called. Bit of a stickler for the rules. I think you ran into him a couple of times at the church. I’ve managed to contain the situation so far, but – well – as I said before, it’s been hectic.’

  ‘Oh no. You’re joking. I know exactly who you mean. Shit. Sorry. Um, I, er, think that might be my fault. I was calling Arthur’s name, trying to find him. The last thing I meant to do was land him in trouble. I didn’t tell this Hardy who he was when he asked me, but he must have worked it out. Damn.’

  Lizzie screwed up her face. ‘It gets better. Hardy’s also your father’s guide.’

  ‘What? I don’t believe it. He never said a word to me. I … oh, don’t tell me Dad was with him in the church that last time.’

  She nodded. ‘I’m afraid so. I’ve asked Hardy repeatedly if you can meet with him, but he won’t allow it. He says your father doesn’t want to and, considering the circumstances, I daren’t push him any further.’

  ‘Fantastic. Just brilliant. What’s that guy’s problem?’

  ‘He’s very single-minded. Uncompromising. It’s all about results with Hardy: getting the spirits from A to B, like a cowboy driving a herd. It’s ironic, as he was reluctant to pass over himself when he died, apparently.’

  ‘Really? How come?’

  ‘I don’t know the specifics. I wasn’t directly involved and it was some time ago. But I have heard he took some convincing to leave his family.’

  ‘So it’s a poacher turned gamekeeper situation.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Any good news?’

  ‘Um, no. Sorry. Not yet. I am working on something, though.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘It’s just a proposal at the moment. I don’t want to say too much in case it doesn’t come together. But put it this way: if it does, I think it might help with your decision.’

  Lizzie refused to reveal anything else about this mysterious plan. I was intrigued. However, the rules of the afterlife were clear. As much as I wanted to believe her, I failed to see how any last-ditch intervention could truly ease my dilemma.

  CHAPTER 31

  THREE DAYS LEFT

  Mum was at the kitchen table staring at a letter she’d opened. She looked upset.

  I stepped around the table to read it as Lauren entered the room behind me. ‘What’s that?’

  Mum didn’t reply. She kept staring at the letter, which I could now see came from the Crown Prosecution Service. It listed a date next June for the crown court trial of the woman charged with causing my death by dangerous driving.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Lauren asked. ‘What are you reading?’

  Mum handed her the letter.

  ‘Oh,’ Lauren said after staring at it for a minute. ‘Well, that’s good. She needs to be punished. If it wasn’t for her, Ella would still have a father. June’s sooner than they told us, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes. It is good news, I suppose. It’s just …’ Mum’s eyes welled up with tears. ‘I miss him so much. The letter made me feel bad. I felt guilty that after everything with your father, I’ve not been thinking about Will enough. Also—’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Mum,’ Lauren and I said in sync, like she was channelling my voice. I stared at my sister in shock as she continued: ‘You’re doing your best to lead this family through a series of impossible situations. I think you’re doing an unbelievable job, honestly.’

  She stood behind Mum and hugged her.

  ‘No one’s forgetting Will. How could we? We’re just coping as best as we can with all the crap being hurled at us. That crash was the start. Let’s hope it ends with the right verdict in court.’

  What is the right verdict? I wondered. Do I actually want the driver to go to prison for what she did? With everything else that had been going on, I hadn’t thought about her for a while. And now my anger had faded, I accepted that I didn’t need her to be jailed. How would it help? I’d still be dead and the lives of another family would be ruined. It wasn’t like she’d killed me on purpose. I remembered seeing her at the scene, deathly pale and shaking, vomit on her shoes and hair. She’d have to live with what she’d done for the rest of her life. Perhaps that was punishment enough.

  ‘She tried to contact me,’ Mum said, grabbing my attention.

  ‘Who did?’ Lauren asked.

  ‘The one on trial; the driver. I can’t bring myself to say her name.’

  Lauren looked as shocked as I felt. It was the first either of us had heard of this. ‘What? When?’

  ‘A few days after it happened. She approached me outside Will’s house. God knows how she knew where he lived. I’d been out doing some shopping; when I got back she was there at the front door. I didn’t realize who she was at first. She told me she was sorry about my son’s death, so I assumed she was a friend or a neighbour. But when I asked how she knew him, she broke down and told me everything.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I lost it. I shouted at her to get the hell away from me and my family. I called her a killer and said I’d never forgive her for taking my son away and orphaning my granddaughter. She asked about the funeral; I told her if she dared to come, I’d throw her out myself. I called her every awful name you can think of.’

  ‘Shit, Mum.’

  ‘She looked so wretched, so pathetic. I’m supposed to be a Christian. I’m supposed to forgive. But I couldn’t. It was too raw. Was it awful of me to behave like that?’

  ‘No, Mum. It’s only human. I’d have done the same. Hell, I’d have probably thumped her.’

  ‘At least she was trying to make amends. Do you think I should contact her now?’

  ‘No. Definitely not. It might affect the case. Seriously, you’re not going to do that, are you?’

  ‘No. You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll stay away.’

  ‘Good. And don’t you go feeling guilty about anything. You’re the best person I know.’

  Mum’s confession explained a few things. I had wondered whether the driver had considered coming to my funeral. I’d also been surprised not to hear of her contacting my family in some way, although I’d put that down to legal advice. Armed with this extra information, I was even more certain of my feelings about her punishment. It was something that stayed in my head for the rest of the day. That and the fact that this might be the last Friday I’d ever spend on earth.

  ‘You know the woman who was driving the car that I, um, had the accident with?’ I asked Ella as I sat at the side of her bed that night.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘How do you feel about her?’

  ‘I hate her.’

  I was taken aback by the speed and ferocity of her answer. Unsure how best to counter it, I simply replied: ‘I don’t.’

  Confused, Ella asked me why not.

  ‘Hate is so negative,’ I said. ‘It only makes us feel worse. She didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident and I know she’s really sorry.’

  ‘But it’s all her fault. If she hadn’t died you with her car, everything would be like it used to be.’

  ‘She made one stupid mistake. That’s all. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I don’t think we should hate her.’

  ‘Well, Auntie Lauren says she’s going to be on a court soon and after that she’ll have to go in a prison. That’s where bad people go.’

  I looked towards the bedroom door, which was open as usual to let light in from the landing. ‘The thing is, Ella, I don’t think she shoul
d go to prison. I’d rather she didn’t.’

  I probably shouldn’t have been discussing this with my daughter, but I felt I had to say something and there was no other family member I could tell.

  ‘There are other ways of punishing her for what she did,’ I added.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Well, she definitely won’t be allowed to drive any more. And sometimes they get people to do unpaid work in the community instead of prison: picking up litter, sweeping the streets, that kind of thing. I’ve even heard of drivers who’ve caused accidents having to go into schools to teach children about road safety.’

  Ella gasped. ‘She won’t come to my school will she?’

  I cursed myself for giving such a stupid example. ‘No, of course not. Don’t worry. That would never happen.’

  The reporter in me couldn’t help imagining the fallout if it did. The papers would be all over it. I could picture the headline: ORPHAN MEETS DAD’S KILLER IN ASSEMBLY.

  ‘Why are you talking about this now, Daddy? Auntie Lauren said she wouldn’t be at court until summer – and that’s ages away.’

  ‘It is a long way off, love. I, er, just wanted you to know how I feel … in case.’

  ‘In case what?’

  I did my best to sound calm as the unthinkable left my lips. ‘In case I’m not around any more.’

  Ella jolted up in bed. ‘What do you mean? You said you’d never leave me. You promised.’

  Despite everything I’d been told to the contrary, I was still struggling to accept the idea of leaving my daughter. My mind was far from made up. But with such little time left and no word from Lizzie about her mysterious proposal, I felt I had to at least prepare Ella for that possibility. God, it was tough, though. I could barely look her in the eye. ‘I did say that, darling. And I meant it. But I didn’t know then what I do now.’

  Tears welled up in her eyes. ‘What do you mean? Are you leaving or not?’

  I forced the words out of my mouth before I had a chance to change my mind. ‘I might have to, darling.’

  ‘Why?’ she wailed. ‘I need you.’