Marty Pants 2
Page 6
And here I am, completely human.
Is it possible that all of this was my imagination and I was never a werewolf to begin with?
Nah. There has to be a logical explanation.
“Thank you, Marty,” Parker says as she joins me.
“Just glad you’re okay,” I tell her.
“What’s Jerome doing here?”
“Long story,” I say.
Parker looks over at the animal control guy. “What happens to Dewey now?” she asks me.
“Good question. I’ll find out.”
I walk back to the van as Dewey is being locked in one of the cages. That little dog is not happy.
“What’s next for Dewey?” I ask him.
“Dewey?” says the animal control guy.
“That little dog. My friend named him Dewey.”
“Well, he looks pretty dangerous, so . . .”
“Could you take him to my vet?” I ask.
“Your vet?”
“Well, my cat’s vet. Dr. Orr. If she can handle Jerome, she can handle anything!”
“That’s not usually how it works, kid. If an animal is considered to be a danger . . .”
“You broke into my house and kidnapped my cat!” I remind him. “Plus, I’m the one who helped you catch Dewey in the first place. You owe me.”
“Fine, kid,” he says. “Dewey can be your vet’s problem.”
We shake on it.
The van drives off, and Parker watches until it disappears out of sight.
We go back inside, and I get some pats on the back. Needless to say, the event ends early, but not before Parker and I are named king and queen of the Full Moon Festival.
CHAPTER 38
the cure
I take a seat while Parker calls her dad.
Ms. Ortiz comes over to me. “How are you doing, Marty? That was very brave of you back there.”
She hands me a candy bar.
Ms. Ortiz always knows the right thing to do.
Wait.
Candy.
I’m having the epiphany of all epiphanies!
The reason I’m not a werewolf is CANDY! Candy gave me a cavity.
So I went to the dentist and got a filling. A silver filling.
They say that the best way to defeat a werewolf is with a silver bullet, right? Well, a silver filling obviously works the same way. Except, instead of getting vanquished, I got cured.
Candy. Is there anything it can’t do?
CHAPTER 39
slow ride
I get a ride from Parker and her dad. Roongrat comes with us, too.
But not Simon.
In the car, Parker makes a lot of dramatic gestures while she gives her dad the play-by-play of the evening. But it’s hard to hear everything from the back seat, especially with Roongrat talking.
“So, Marty,” Mr. Fedora says, “I’m told that you make a nice-looking couch!”
“Um . . .”
“Seriously, though, thanks for watching out for my daughter.”
“She watches out for me all the time,” I tell him.
“I’ll swing by your house so you can clean up and drop off your cat before I bring you to Roongrat’s.”
“Thanks, Mr. Fedora. We’ve both had a long night.” We stop at a traffic light, and I notice two figures walking.
One of them is Peach Fuzz. And he’s whining. “But MUUUUUM!”
“You were bitten on the ankle by something, dear,” Mother Ack tells her son. “You could get rabies or whatnot. I’m taking you to the emergency room to get a series of very painful shots, Salvador.”
“Butt I alreadee got dose shotz!”
“I insist you have them again, dear. Just to be safe. You know how I worry.”
“It wuz Weddy Pantz who bit mee! WEDDY PANTZ TYED UP IN COWCH COOSHUNS!!”
“Hush, dear. You’re delirious . . .”
CHAPTER 40
we can be heroes
“You slept late!” Roongrat’s mother tells me in the morning.*
She makes us waffles.
“Thank you, Ms. Mitten.”
“Marty,” she says, “did you know the first waffles were made of tree bark? They were called ‘awfuls.’ That’s a fact.”
It’s a relief not being a werewolf anymore. Sure, I miss the superhuman powers, but there was a lot of stress and responsibility involved.
Who needs that?
Before I head home, Roongrat and I play another game of Dragon Eater.
It’s a close one, but I win.*
“Thanks for not eating me,” Roongrat says.
“You’re welcome, Roonie.”
Ms. Mitten drops me off at home, and my dad greets me at the door.
“What happened while we were gone, Marty?”
“Jerome had a rough night,” I say.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Half the couch is missing.”
“Oh, that. It’s a long story, but I come out a hero,” I explain. “Just ask Ms. Ortiz.”
“I’m not sure I want to know,” my dad says. “Come on, Marty. We’ve got a lot of work to do before your mother gets back.”
When my mom comes home that evening, I’m not the only hero. My dad’s one, too.
He bought a new couch.
My mom’s also a hero. She landed a new client, and based on her reaction, I think it means a raise.
As for Erica, she’s a hero in her own mind.
A trophy and a medal? Seems excessive.
Now that I think about it, coming in first place in a History Trivia Contest is quite an accomplishment for my sister, considering she was worrying about me becoming a werewolf the whole time.
What impressive concentration skills.
In fact, she must still be worried about me being a monster. She doesn’t know the danger is over.
It’s time for me to clue her in.
“Hey, Erica! Look at my silver filling. My silver filling. Made of silver.”
“You’re such a weirdo,” she says.
She got the message. She understands that I’m fully cured of my werewolfism.
How do I know? I can see an epiphany in the way she rolls her eyes.
CHAPTER 41
the sweetest thing
As promised, the animal control guy lets my vet check out Dewey.
She discovers he isn’t rabid.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” Dr. Orr says. “We found something inside Dewey’s brain that we’ve never seen before. We removed it and discovered it only affected him during a full moon. Made him aggressive with wolflike tendencies.”
“So he’s healthy now?” Parker asks.
“Very healthy. We’ll watch him for a while, but I imagine he’ll be ready for adoption soon.”
“Really?”
“Now that he doesn’t have that mysterious mutant thing in his head, he’s a sweetheart.”
He certainly looks different all cleaned up.
“What was the thing you found?” Parker’s dad asks.
“No idea,” Dr. Orr says. “Strange, though. Some men in sunglasses and dark suits came by and took it with them.”
I’m only half listening.
Parker has been jumping up and down ever since the vet said “adoption.”
“I’d adopt him myself if I didn’t already have eight dogs,” Dr. Orr says. “And nineteen cats.”
“Dad, can we adopt him. Pleeeeeeeeeease!” Parker begs.
“Tell you what, Parker, let’s just wait till the next full moon. If he’s still this sweet, he’s yours.”
“Really?!”
“Really.”
“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”
“One more thing,” Parker’s dad says as he turns to Dr. Orr. “That surgery couldn’t have been cheap. Who paid for it?”
“Marty did.”
Parker and her dad look at me.
“I know what it’s like to love an anima
l,” I say. “And Parker really loves Dewey, so it was money well spent.” Parker kisses me on the cheek.*
It was money very, very, very, very, very well spent.
CHAPTER 42
sign me up
“How did you afford it?” Parker’s dad asks me on the way home. “That surgery must have been expensive.”
I explain that I recently received a hefty sum of cash.
Remember that graffiti I drew on The Candy Factory building?
Well, look where else I noticed it.
Turns out the important-looking man who gave me the compliments was The Candy Factory president. He liked my Mr. Candy drawing so much, he immediately used it on billboards to promote his company.
Without paying me.
So I stopped by with my lawyer.
“The legal ramifications contrastingly applied to procedural legitimacy of copyright enunciation heretofore encapsulated in all furthermore publication provisions . . .”
Anyway, we negotiated a firm but fair deal and I was well compensated for my art. Just like an artist should be.
Of course, we agreed that some of my payment would come in a form other than money.
Plus they covered my lawyer’s fees.
CHAPTER 43
oh snap
Parker, Roongrat, and I meet at the common. I brought my school photos, and they’re trying to help me decide which one’s the best.
“They all have personality!” Parker says.
I make it a point not to argue with people when they’re right.
Although my mom had a different reaction when she saw the pics.
“HEY, SIMON!” Roongrat shouts.
Simon’s walking on the other side of the street, and Roonie’s trying to get his attention.
Simon gives a reluctant wave and keeps on walking.
“Did you see Simon’s photos?” Roongrat asks us. “They’re truculent!”
None of us knows what that means, especially Roongrat.
Simon’s been in a bad mood since the Full Moon Festival. Not sure why.
It could be because I saved the day.
It could be because Parker’s not paying much attention to him anymore.
It could be because The Candy Factory paid me for my art, which means I am now literally, actually, and officially something he said I could never be.
Or it could be something else.
Since the Candy Factory never asked for my permission before publishing my art on their billboards, I was able to talk them into giving me an extra bonus. I got to use one of their billboards any way I wanted!
And I decided to express myself.
CHAPTER 44
head home
Everything’s pretty much back to normal, except for one thing.
Jerome’s still hiding under my bed instead of sleeping on my head. Can’t he sense I’m no longer a werewolf?
I reach under my bed with some fresh catnip and try to reassure him that I’m 100 percent human. I notice he’s busy chewing on something.
Wow!
Jerome had it the whole time!
He must have rescued it from the candy box and dragged it under my bed.
Erica is going to be so relieved!
But she’s not going to be happy about the condition. Jerome gnawed right through the strap.
And the strap was the only thing that kept someone else from reading it.
Which means there’s nothing to stop me now. I’ll finally be able to see all the secrets my sister wrote about me!
I retrieve something from my nightstand. The piece of paper that started this whole thing.
Then I flip through the diary and find a page with the top torn off.
I line up the ripped edges and . . . voilà!
They fit together!
Wait.
It says nothing about me being a werewolf. How can that be?
Something’s not right.
Then I have one final epiphany. This isn’t the right page!
The rest of the real page doesn’t exist anymore because it ended up somewhere else.
So that explains that.
Well, since it’s here, I might as well read the rest of the diary.
I’m sure there is all kinds of intriguing information in there that Erica doesn’t want me to know.
I settle into bed, turn to page one, and start reading.
“Dear Diary, today I . . .”
The book is suddenly yanked out of my hands.
Jerome scampers out of the room with it in his mouth.
Then I hear a voice in the hall.
“Is that . . . ? IT IS! MY DIARY! GIVE ME THAT, YOU LITTLE . . . !”
There’s some kind of scuffle, and then it gets quiet. Too quiet.
Then Jerome struts back into my room, hops on the bed, and nestles on top of my head.
He seems ready for a good night’s sleep.
Okay, now things are officially back to normal. Everything is back where it’s supposed to be. There’s finally peace in the universe.
Well, not peace exactly.
Because the house feels like it’s shaking.
The sound of stomping sister feet seems to be getting closer and closer.
Louder and louder.
Angrier and angrier.
I think the smartest course of action would be to pretend I’m asleep, so I have to stop writing now.
Good night. Marty Pants out.
For now.
THE END
EXCERPT FROM HOW TO DEFEAT A WIZARD
Find out what Marty is up to in his next adventure:
CHAPTER 1
sorry not sorry
Apologize to Simon?
I can think of a few things I’d rather do than apologize to Simon.
1. Run naked through a cactus patch. (Without sunscreen.)
2. Eat a raw porcupine.
(Without ketchup.)*
3. Listen to my dad talk about old music. (Without a pillow.)
But Principal Cricklewood isn’t impressed with any of these options. She insists I apologize to Simon.
For what?
All I did was call Simon a
And I’m not even sure what it means. I just like the way it sounds.
I tried to explain to Principal Cricklewood that being called a monkey washer could be a compliment.
But something she said gave me the impression she wasn’t buying it.
It’s not fair. Simon insults me all the time but gets away with it because he’s sneaky. He tricks people.
Even my mom falls for it.
A lot of people call Simon charming. Charming, charming, charming.
I’m sick of hearing it.
Just for kicks, I hop on my dad’s computer and look up “charming” to see if there’s any possible definition that could apply to Simon.
charm-ing:
1. delightful, pleasant, likeable, adorable
Ugh! Stop!
Simon is so not charming. How has he tricked people into thinking he’s charming?
Hold on. There’s another definition.
charm-ing:
2. the act of using magic powers
Whoa.
Could Simon have magic powers?
BACK AD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
After many odd jobs and a graphic design degree, MARK PARISI created the Off the Mark comic strip series in 1987. It is syndicated in more than one hundred newspapers around the country and has twice won the Best Newspaper Panel Award from the National Cartoonists Society. Marty Pants is his debut book series. Mark lives in Massachusetts and is most likely covered in cat fur.
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PRAISE FOR THE MARTY PANTS SERIES
“Off the Mark cartoonist Parisi’s prose-and-cartoon series kickoff is a winner.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Both text and art deliver zingers, pratfalls, and running gags that will keep kids laughing.”
&
nbsp; —Publisher Weekly
“Gags and misadventures aplenty show an uncommon mastery of the Wimpy Kid genre and narrative style.”
—ALA Booklist
“An easy pick for reluctant readers.”
—School Library Journal
“Plenty of random, laugh-out-loud moments.”
—YA Books Central
BOOKS BY MARK PARISI
MARTY PANTS: DO NOT OPEN!
CREDITS
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COPYRIGHT
MARTY PANTS #2: KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF! Copyright © 2017 by Mark Parisi. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2017934808
ISBN 978-0-06-242778-6
EPub Edition © February 2018 ISBN 9780062427793
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FIRST EDITION
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