Avoiding Commitment

by craziebabe45

  "I can't," she muttered.

  "You can stay in the guest bedroom…if you want," he added for his own benefit.

  "Do I have any other choice?" she grumbled wondering why the universe hated her so much.

  He shook his head. "Tell them to pull the limo around," he commanded the woman as he escorted Lexi out of the building.

  * * *

  My awesome reviewers are: Cupid's Psyche (I hope I answered all your questions ;) ), sammi-2688 (I adored you calling Jack pathological, because as you can see that's a good word for him), 1PitBullGurl, total romance., CaliBound, Sure as the Dawn, and Jet . Black . dbs!

  K.A. Linde

  Black Box

  Your new beginning was a perfect ending

  But I keep feeling we've already been here before

  It's time you let me know let me know just let go

  Tell me with so many out there why I always turn to you

  Your goodbyes tear me down every time

  And it's so easy to see

  That the blame is on me

  -Kelly Clarkson "All I Ever Wanted"

  * * *

  Chapter 22: December One and a Half Years Earlier

  The next morning was the gloomiest of any Lexi had witnessed since moving to New York. Snow had fallen the night before after Lexi had made it safely back to her apartment. In typical city fashion, the streets had been cleared of the white flurries by daybreak. Brown slush took its place on the sidewalks and gutters creating a hazardous environment for any who traversed the city. Dreary, charcoal clouds covered the sky casting a depressing aura across the metropolitan area. A heavy fog mixed with the ever increasing quantities of pollution hung thick in the morning air.

  Under these conditions, most normal people would have avoided leaving their apartment at all costs on a Saturday morning. Lexi was not one of those people. She thought she had switched off the alarm set for finals, but it still managed to go off at eight in the morning. Her sleep had been restless and no matter how hard she tried to go back to sleep, sleep would not come to her. Instead, she made the mistake of pulling on a t-shirt, black track suit, and running sneakers to take a brisk jog around the park before the city really livened up.

  The wind viciously whipped her hair around her face cutting across her delicate skin and stinging her eyes. Water streamed from her eyes as she sprinted the last leg of her run before exiting Washington Square Park. She doubled over clutching her hands to her ribs as her breath came out in spurts. The wintry air filled her lungs causing her to wheeze in pain at the assault. Her heart was still working overdrive thumping away in her chest from the physical exertion. She attempted to wiggle her toes which felt near frozen in her soggy socks and snow-coated tennis shoes. The movement was painful as life came back into her lower extremities.

  She straightened brushing her hair out of her face. The gloves she wore barely kept the cold from reaching her fingers. Now that she had stopped jogging, the sweat she had built up was settling onto her skin making her entire body shiver. The wind picked up in velocity pushing and pulling her the rest of the way to her apartment building. She stumbled into the high-arched enclosure letting the wind break past her. A low whistle could be heard as it rushed through the streets. Lexi was just happy that she was out of that. She didn't know what she had been thinking going on a run with the weather in such precarious conditions.

  Well that wasn't true. She knew the real reason for her early morning jog. The message from Jack kept replaying in her head, and despite herself, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Sure she knew that she should be reasonable. He probably just went through another interview where he was rejected and left wallowing in his own pity. It had happened pretty frequently that she knew he shouldn't get worked up about it. But he had gotten worked up about it. She could tell from the tone of his voice that he was upset.

  All she wanted to do was be there for him.

  She wrapped her arms around herself as she strode past the security guard. He recognized her and waved not even checking for her identification card. She was lost in her thoughts as she took the stairs back to her apartment.

  Lexi knew that she wasn't Jack's girlfriend. They weren't officially together or anything. They had made that perfectly clear in the beginning.

  Yet, something was nagging in the back of her mind. When he had been threatening Clark, he had said just that. He had claimed they were together. She wasn't naïve enough to believe that they were automatically going to jump into something that they were unaccustomed to. She knew how they worked, and thus far, it had worked out surprisingly well. But it was a step in the right direction. If he could speak about them being a couple, even if it was just out of blind jealously, then she saw that as a positive.

  Unfortunately, that positive aspect of yesterday didn't filter through to the voicemail he had left on her cell phone. Her gut instinct kept gnawing at her insides counteracting her happiness. She ignored them though and attempted to think of more pleasant things…like the shower she was about to take.

  Her teeth were chattering as she slid into her dorm room. She clenched and unclenched her fingers hoping to accelerate the blood flow. Sliding her gloves off Lexi brought her hands to her mouth and blew on them as she rubbed them together.

  "Where have you been?" Lexi heard someone call anxiously from a bedroom.

  Startled from warming herself up, she glanced up and saw Rachelle silhouetted in the doorway. "I went for a run."

  Rachelle peeked back through her window as if to confirm that it was in fact miserable outside. "In this weather?" she asked condescendingly.

  "Uh…yeah. I needed to clear my head."

  "Did it work?"

  "Not really. I'm kind of frozen," she told her a chill running down her back at the mention of the cold.

  "You Southerners," she scoffed, "this isn't cold."

  "Feels pretty cold to me," Lexi said wrapping her arms around her body.

  "Whatever. Why didn't you take your cell phone with you?" she asked disapprovingly.

  Lexi cringed realizing that, in fact, she had forgotten her cell phone. She knew when she was out in the city, especially when she was alone, that she should have it with her, but she hated carrying it with her when she was running. She just felt weighed down by technology. And with the way she was feeling this morning, she wanted to have her phone with her even less. But Rachelle was looking at her expectantly. "Uh, yeah sorry. I guess I forgot it."

  "Yeah I know. It has been ringing off the hook all morning...on loud," she grumbled crossing her arms over her chest.

  Lexi gulped taking a sideways look towards her room as if her phone was going to start ringing again at any moment. "Sorry bout that."

  "You should call Jack back. I finally had to answer and tell him I'd give you the message, but that you weren't home."

  "You told him I wasn't home?" she squeaked.

  "What was I supposed to do? You weren't in your room. Your phone was still on your desk. Your purse was missing. You had to be somewhere. I told him you were out. What's the big deal?" Rachelle asked.

  Lexi groaned. "My purse is missing? Great, just great. What a fantastic morning."

  "Just call him back," she said slamming her door angrily.

  Lexi sighed and trudged into her room. All she wanted to was shower. She did not want to have to deal with this right now. Her stomach was churning and she wasn't even sure why. Something just felt off. She glanced around noticing that her purse was still exactly where she had left it safely tucked under her desk. Rachelle must have just missed it when she answered the phone. Lexi breathed out a sigh of relief that nothing had happened to her purse. At least that was one less thing she had to deal with. She unplugged her phone from where she had left it charging the night before. Eight missed calls showed up on the phone and she had four text messages, and that was before Rachelle had gotten to her phone to turn it off.

  Even though all she wanted to do was take a shower
and not think about anything, she reluctantly opened the phone and dialed Jack's number. As she waited, she peeled of her running jacket and hung it on a hook on the back of her door. Her t-shirt came off next followed by the black long-sleeve underarmour. Her track pants hung low on her hips and her black sports bra hugged tight against her chest.

  "Lex," Jack breathed into the phone, "where have you been? I've been calling all morning."

  "Yeah, Rachelle told me. Sorry about that."

  "What were you doing? Who were you with?" he asked accusing her with every word.

  "I was out for a run."

  "In this weather?"

  She wanted to curse. Why was it so hard to believe that she would go out for a run when it was nasty outside? She needed to clear her head it wasn't the end of the world. That didn't give everyone the right to accuse her of anything. "Yeah."

  "Right."

  "What? Do you not believe me?" she asked her earlier anxieties making her jumpy.

  "Sure I believe you. If you say so."

  "Then why don't you sound like you believe me?" Her voice couldn't hide the hint of annoyance at his tone. He was the one who had dipped out of the party and then left a sketchy voicemail telling her not to come over to be with him. She should be the one accusing him of not being around. Why was he being all accusatory?

  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had a rough night with the job interview. Since he probably didn't get the job, he was probably just irritated with that. There was no need for her to make it worse for him. "I'm sorry. It was just a rough night."

  "I know what you mean," he whispered.

  "Sorry I didn't get to my phone. I'll remember to take it with me next time," she apologized.

  "Actually, we need to talk."

  Warning signals began blasting off in her brain even worse than this morning. Those words were never a good sign. Nothing good could come from saying that. Her stomach plummeted as nerves took over her body. What could he want to talk to her about? Had something happened? She could feel her dehydrated body begin to shake from apprehension. "About what?" she managed to get out.

  She could hear him take a deep breath. "Can I just come over?"

  "Of course you can come over. You're here all the time," she mumbled knowing it had to be bad if he had to ask to come over. She wasn't sure why she was so paranoid about what was going to happen. After the voicemail last night, she couldn't get over the nagging feeling that life was going to take her in a negative direction.

  "Well I have to take care of some...stuff here and then I'll be over so we can talk. Alright?"

  She nodded swallowing heavily. Then she realized he couldn't see her and said, "Yeah that's fine."

  "Bye," he said hanging up the phone quickly.

  Lexi shut her phone and tossed it back into the mess on her desk. She yanked her hair out of the ponytail on the back of her head and let her mass of curls fall around her face. Brushing them out of her face with her fingers, she could feel some of the tension release from her body.

  The events from the past twelve hours were replaying in her head. Where had things gone wrong? They had been...perfect at the party. God, they had been about to leave to have sex...make love until they had been interrupted.

  The interruption.

  What had Claire said about him leaving? That she had seen him exit the premises with some drunken blonde chick on his arm. Lexi could remember the look of disbelief in Claire and Chyna's eyes when she had explained about the interview. They both had the same expression.

  Their brows creased together, their eyes narrowed in on her, and their mouths were set with skepticism. They hadn't believed that he would have an interview this late. Truthfully, who administered interviews at such an hour on a Friday night? It didn't make sense. But she had been there when he had taken the call. Jack's reaction matched what would happen if an unexpected person called about an interview. She hadn't been able to hear the other side of the conversation, but she didn't think that she had to. It was obvious that it was someone calling about an interview.

  After all, he'd never lied to her before, why would he start now?

  She gasped as she remembered the conversation. Had he been lying to her? He had been dubious of her easy acceptance of the situation. But there was no reason for him to be concerned about her reaction if he was really going to an interview. She never cared about any other interviews that he had gone on, and some of them had been pretty random. Her heart hurt at the thought that he might have lied to her. After everything, he had to know that was the most important part of their relationship...or whatever they were. She couldn't figure out if he cared for her so much, and he obviously did because he had told Clark that they were together, why he would just start lying to her?

  She shook her head not able to comprehend that concept. Her body hurt from running, lack of hydration, and chronic worrying. All she needed was a long hot shower and to chill the fuck out. No use worrying over something that she had no idea about. Everything her imagination was conjuring up was only successfully making her more worried about what had happened last night, and why he now so desperately needed to talk to her.

  Taking the time to thoroughly wash away any lingering doubts, Lexi took extra long in the shower. She scrubbed every crevice washing away the sweat and grime from her run twice with her cranberry body wash. She lathered and rinsed her hair until it was silky smooth. When she cut off the water, the bathroom was thick with steam and the mirror completely obscured by fog. Typically, Lexi wasn't the type of girl who primped, but today was not like other days.

  After towel drying her hair, she blew it out until every long strand was dry. Then she pulled a straightener down until all the curls were gone and her hair hit her lower back. Black eyeliner rimmed her eyes and a layer of mascara touched her lashes. After adding a hint of rouge to her pale cheeks, she figured she had spent enough time in the bathroom. She was just amazed that no one had bothered her already. With only one bathroom between four people it was usually only a matter of time before someone came banging on the door.

  As Lexi walked out of the bathroom, she did hear a knock coming from the door. She wrapped her skimpy white towel tightly around her body and scrambled towards the front door. "Jack," she cried as she opened the door. "I thought you had stuff to do."

  He looked at her as if he were looking at her for the first time. The way her silky hair shined as the hallway light hit the strands. The way her side swept bangs fell neatly into her enormous brown eyes which only looked larger and more beautiful from the make-up she had careful applied. Her pale skin contrasted with the bleach white towel giving her a sun-kissed look. A smile broke out across his face as he took in the sight of her partly exposed body.

  Lexi was glad she already had rouge on, because the way Jack was looking at her was sure made her blush. Even though she was worried about what had happened and he had seen her in much less, she couldn't help but go red in the face.

  "It's been over an hour," he commented.

  "Oh has it?" she asked embarrassed even further. She couldn't remember ever taking over an hour in the shower. "Well are you going to come in?" she asked stepping aside and hugging her towel tight to her chest. She could feel it slipping out of place.

  Jack stepped through the doorway allowing Lexi to close it behind him.

  "I'll just go change," Lexi said walking swiftly towards her bedroom. Jack followed behind taking a seat in her desk chair. She turned to face him without moving to get clothes out of her closet. "So what uh...stuff did you have to do?" she asked leaning back against her desk.

  Jack averted his eyes to the floor. "Just had to get things taken care of. It's no big deal."

  "Oh," she said lamely. Lexi sucked her bottom lip into her mouth biting down lightly. She could tell that it was a big deal or he wouldn't have to be so secretive about it. But she was already afraid of what he might say. There was no need to bring anything else up until he was ready.

 
Lexi sat back against the desk scooting over a few coffee mugs and notes from class and waited for Jack to speak. "I thought you were going to change," he noted once he finally spoke up. His eyes roamed her body.

  "I was, but you wanted to talk to me first."

  "I didn't expect to speak to you naked," he murmured.

  "I'm not naked," she told him pointing towards her tiny towel.

  "Close enough."

  "No it's really not. You've seen me in less."

  Jack cringed away at her words. Not a good sign. "Just...change."

  "I'd rather we talk," she told him standing her ground.

  "Fine," he muttered standing swiftly from the chair and knocking it back against the wall. Lexi jolted from where she was sitting. "So let's talk."

  Lexi waited. "Well I don't know what you want to talk about," she whispered her eyes cast to the floor in anticipation.

  "I don't really know how to begin this."

  "Are you," she choked on the words, "are you breaking up with me?" She felt tears welling in her eyes at the prospect. The way he was talking that was the only conclusion she could come to. He had realized he didn't want her after all and they were not going to be working towards that relationship. It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense at all after what he had said to Clark, but she couldn't see an alternative. She had been through break ups before and he was about hitting it on the nose.

  "What?" he asked his mouth popping open. "No. Well I couldn't anyway. We're not in a relationship. I mean we're together, but we're not...you know...together."

  Lexi really could not tell the difference anymore. They had been doing everything together for over a month, they had been sleeping together for over a year and a half, and they had been intimately involved emotionally for nearly four years. How much more could he want?

  "So we're not breaking up then?" she asked feeling pitiful.