Butterfly

by Rebecca Sherwin

  Then I became Brad’s toy.

  My story doesn’t end there. I agreed to his terms, shook his hand in order to keep my freedom safe, and then I tried to kill myself. I tipped every one of my pills out onto my bed, knelt on the floor besides it, and stared at a photograph of Doe as I slipped every pill into my mouth. I wanted to end it. I wanted to end the pain I’d lived with my whole life. Caterpillar was gone. My career was over. My freedom had been taken by a cheater and his paedophile stepbrother. Kate hated me and began to look at me the way every foster mother I’d ever had did. Doe would be better off without me. I had nothing to live for.

  I will owe Kate for the rest of my life…because she saved it.

  She found me on the floor of our bedroom, called for an ambulance, and I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Admitted to hospital on a six-week programme where they trained me to survive inside my own mind. I’ve never looked back. I won't survive in prison. I won't survive in an institution. I barely survive in public. I'm destined to die, one way or another…so what have I got to lose?

  Closing the bathroom cupboard, I rest my head against it and pull my phone out of my pocket, heading downstairs to my office to put things in motion.

  “Cooper,” Rob says when he answers the phone. I know he’s smiling, the sick fuck, but I don’t care. “I didn’t expect to hear from you.”

  “Yes you did.”

  He laughs. “Okay, I did. Erin Thompson.”

  “Yeah, I took her, sent an email to her mother, and she’s been tied up in my tower ever since. The bitch got out when I was in the shower and tried to reach out to the only man she thought could save her.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. She spouted some shit about you being the only one who has ever really loved her, how you showed her the dark side and even my crazy isn’t enough to match your intensity.”

  “She’s always been a smart girl, our Erin.”

  “Stupid,” I scoff. “She’s fucking stupid.”

  “Vulnerable,” he says in some sort of agreement. “Susceptible to manipulation. Poor girl just wants to be loved.”

  “Yeah, well, she’s barking up the wrong tree with me.”

  Rob laughs. He no longer sounds menacing. He thinks we’re on the same team.

  “What are you going to do with her?”

  “Starve her for a while longer, fuck her while I do it, make her bleed…you know. The usual.”

  “And when you’re done?”

  “She’s yours. Her parents have already stopped worrying, Griffin is probably balls deep in his secretary, and no one cares what happened to poor washed up Erin.”

  “All mine?” I hum an affirmative. “So I get to have your sloppy seconds.”

  “I went through the trouble of taking her. I’ll gift her to you when I’m done.”

  He’s silent for a minute, before he lights a cigarette.

  “And what do you want in return?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s not like you, Cooper. What do you want?”

  “Really, nothing. Just the promise that you’ll continue my work. She’s so close, Rob.”

  “To what?”

  “Nothing. She’s so fucking close to being ruined. Imagine all the things you could do with her when she’s lost all reason to resist.”

  “She loves you.”

  I take a deep breath as silently as I can, hating that he knows. Of course she loves me, and a part of me loves her in return. We both know it’ll never be enough, which is why Rob will take her.

  “She depends on me.”

  “You’ll let me know when she’s ready?”

  “Of course.”

  No. I wouldn’t. Because I’ll never willingly give her up. What I will do is allow him to think he can storm in and take her. Without my pills, I’ll be ready. I’ll be coiled tight, running on nothing but adrenaline and the crazy that keeps me awake for weeks on end. I’ll be prepared for Rob and Brad to turn up and steal my stolen goods. They’ll try to kill me because this is the only chance they’ll get.

  And that’s when I’ll strike.

  “Deal,” Rob says, blowing out a heavy cloud of smoke. “I’ll look forward to your next call.”

  No he won't. He’s already planning to take her. He’s going to call his brother the second we hang up and, once again, they’ll underestimate the power of my scrambled mind.

  “Deal.”

  I expected Cooper to give in, for his mind to settle and for him to come to me, but he doesn’t. The maid becomes my only source of stimulation for days, but she doesn’t talk to me. She brings me food three times a day, and replaces my toilet with a fresh bucket. She hates me; for whatever reason, she’s on Cooper’s side, knowing he’s downgraded me to prisoner once more, and she doesn’t care. Maybe she even agrees with him locking me up, because there has been a sense of animosity between us since the night I cut my hand. I look down at the cut; it has healed, but left a scar, and I know I’ll remember it forever. I thought Cooper was holding a child prisoner, when really he had a child to be closer to me, and underestimated how much he would love her. I remember the aggression when he forced me to taste the jam on the teddy bear, and wished I could have that aggression again, if it meant I’d get something from him. He said he’s going to kill Rob and Brad, and that I would be part of the plan, but the last few days without him have sent me into a spin of paranoia thinking he’s going to do it without me. He wouldn’t be so selfless, and I won't allow him to be. So there’s only one way for me to play it. I have to break the rules.

  I refuse to eat breakfast, throwing the plate of egg at the maid when she brings it in. She says nothing, picking the plate up and leaving the egg on the floor before she leaves.

  When she brings me lunch, a cheese salad, I throw that too, turning my back on her as she once again picks up the plate and leaves without a word spoken.

  When she brings me dinner, placing a bowl of chicken and broccoli at my feet, I kick it towards her and spill it onto her shoes. She picks up the bowl and leaves the room, with me staring at the chicken and battling the urge to eat it off the floor.

  Cooper doesn’t give in to my cry for attention, and I wonder if he’s given her instruction not to tell him if I disobey.

  He doesn’t come for another three days, as I continue to refuse to eat, and progress to peeing on the floor. Guilt seizes me every time the maid comes into the room to clean up the mess, but I keep my eye on the goal. Cooper.

  It’s dark when he comes to me, and I’m sitting on the floor by the window looking out at the garden. Light seeps in when he opens the door, and I see his reflection in the doorway. His eyes connect with mine in the window, and terror becomes my new companion.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” he seethes.

  “Stop ignoring me,” I reply, pressing my hands to the floor to help me up.

  “Don’t fucking move.”

  I obey him, because he’s here. He’s come to me, I’ve got what I wanted, and now I will listen. I won't comply to anyone’s demands other than Cooper’s—and he has to give them to me himself.

  “I don’t want to be left here.”

  “And you think you have a choice?”

  “There’s always a choice.”

  Cooper leaves the door open as he steps into the room and I follow his movements until he’s standing behind me, his perfect form swamping mine as I remain on the floor in front of him.

  “Do you not understand the concept of prisoner?” he asks, taking a fistful of my hair and forcing my head back to look at him. “Do you not understand the meaning of punishment?”

  “I understand just fine,” I retort. “But I also understand that you’re only keeping me in here to protect me from you.”

  He laughs; I wince and cry out when he yanks me to my feet, turning me around and slamming me into the glass. It’s cold against my back, but nothing will extinguish the heat raging through me from the first contact I’ve had in a week.
/>   “You’re so stupid, Caterpillar.”

  “So you keep telling me.”

  “Do you want to die? Is that it?”

  “We both know you won't kill me.”

  “You underestimate me.” He shakes his head. “I could very easily kill you.”

  “But you won’t. This plan is ours. We’re supposed to do it together.”

  “You don’t get it, do you?” he growls, tugging me forward just to push me back. “This is my plan. This is my mission. You’re nothing but a pawn to draw them in. Once I’ve killed them, it’s over for you.”

  “Is it really?” I raise my chin in defiance and meet his aggression. “So you plan to die, too?”

  “I’ll let you in on something,” he whispers, his voice cold and menacing. “Being a daddy is the only thing I’m good at, and that’s exactly how I’m going to ruin you. So you will use the fucking potty. You will eat the food I give you. And if you misbehave, I will bend you over the naughty step and spank you until you bleed. Until you depend on me like a child depends on its daddy. Until you love me more than your own life. Until you become mine in a way that can never be undone.”

  “What if that’s what I want?”

  “It’s not.” He grips my neck, squeezing to tilt my head back further. “You wouldn’t survive without your mind.”

  “Try me.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Try and take it, and let’s see who wins.”

  With a growl, Cooper drags me across the room and throws me to the floor by the post. Like he did when he first took me, he takes a length of rope from his pocket, and I stay still while he fixes me to the bottom of the post. I won't fight this—it’s what I wanted.

  “Do you want a bedtime story, Caterpillar?” he asks, pulling the rope tight so it burns my skin. “Do you want to know why a part of me will always hate you? Why I’ll never allow myself to not want to kill you?”

  I nod as he flattens me to the floor and sits on my outstretched legs.

  “Once upon a time there was a man. He was unhappy with his life, laying with one woman at night while he pined for another. There was a princess in the tower not far from his bed, and he would do everything he could to protect her.” I close my eyes as he leans down and places a kiss between my shoulder blades as his fingernails skate up my waist. “One day the man decided he was going to ask for help. He told the woman—who liked to snort coke and wash it down with a Jack Daniels on ice—that he had to go and find a new life. He had to go and find a way to be happy.”

  “Cooper.”

  “Shut up.” I wince when he smacks my arse, and lift my hips instinctively to collide against his erection. “The man took a walk, with his wallet, preparing to pay whatever it took to make sure his princess would be safe with him. He made an appointment with a man in a suit and he and his wife began a set of proceedings called a divorce. The man didn’t want to go court, because some secrets are better left outside of the legal system.”

  “I know where this is-”

  Cooper cuts me short when he grips my arse in both hands and squeezes until it hurts. He makes me aware of how needy for him I am, when he swipes one finger from front to back, making me whimper when he strokes my clit. I tug on the rope, desperate to find a way to ease the ache that has taken me hostage, but I can’t move.

  “He met a man named Griffin Masters. He liked him, at first, and believed he wanted to help the man, who was lost and needed a way out.”

  Tears fill my eyes, and I blink them away, as memories of a conversation with my fiancé fill my mind. I remember Griffin coming home from work and settling in front of the TV with a bottle of beer. He told me about a man, as batshit as they came, wanting to divorce his wife and apply for custody of his daughter. He told me about the elaborate story the man created for theatrical effect. He told me he sat opposite him with a chequebook and asked Griffin to name a price. He was desperate, flustered and afraid…Griffin took advantage.

  “The lawyer took the man’s money, cashing the cheque the same day, and promised to make the divorce as smooth as possible on the princess.” I gasp when Cooper slips a finger into me, driving in deep with a hooking motion that halts my breath. “He promised the little girl would be safe, that he’d do what was best for her, and make sure the man got his wish.”

  “He told me,” I cry as Cooper’s fingers fuck me with relentless force. “He told me.”

  “He told you he screwed me out of custody?” he asks, shifting to kneel between my legs and force them apart. “He told you he took my money and gave Kate everything?”

  “He told me you were unstable and he couldn’t grant custody to…”

  “A man?”

  I nod and turn my cheek to press it to the cold floor.

  “Yes.”

  “Once Griffin had given Kate custody, and drawn up a contract for weekend visitation, he threatened me.”

  I shake my head, refusing to believe what I know is true. Griffin isn’t timid or weak; he’s just an arsehole who likes early nights and complains about his fiancée’s hobby. Another slice of Erin Thompson slips away, and I forget about Griffin. I’ve always known his proceedings are subjective—he makes sure he takes the money before he makes his decision, and he’s a snake. He’s manipulative and vindictive, and…

  “Cooper!”

  He slams into me, ripping me in two as he penetrates without lubrication, forcing my hips up to accept his hard length. His hand slips around my throat, his other hand sliding under me to find my clit and he forces me to relax as he pounds into me.

  “So you see why I hate you,” he grunts between thrusts.

  “It wasn’t my fault.”

  “It’s all your fault!”

  Pain rips into me as he continues his assault, and I cry freely, forcing myself to allow him to take what he needs from me. He hates me; his unrelenting rage and powerful thrusts prove it, and I know I’ll never get through to him. While I’m falling for the man who ruined my life, even while he’s fucking me like he hates me, he’s planning my demise and preparing to celebrate in the wreckage.

  “Cooper, please.”

  “My entire fucking life has been about you,” he growls, holding me still and forcing me to accept every ounce of his resentment. “And I can’t even kill you because I fucking love you.”

  An orgasm seizes me and I throw my head back, gasping for breath against his strong hold as I clench around him, pleasure rippling out from where he’s commanding my body. Cooper follows, falling over me so his front is flush to my back as spurt after spurt fills me.

  “Cooper!”

  The last time I heard that voice scream my name with so much fear was when I woke her up in the middle of the night to fuck her ass, after watching Caterpillar walk away from me towards the changing room. Before she knew I existed. Before she gave me her fucking existence when she should have fought me to keep it.

  “Cooper.”

  I wake up on the floor of the tower and turn to Caterpillar. She’s sitting up with her knees to her chest to hide her modesty. When I follow the direction of her humiliated gaze, Kate is in the doorway, sober—almost.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask, sitting up and tucking my dick back into my pants.

  “Doe,” she breathes, swiping at a tear as it rolls down her cheek. “She’s gone.”

  “No!”

  Caterpillar gets to her feet and waits for me to join her. I can’t. I’m stuck on the floor, imagining my baby girl alone and afraid.

  “Gone where?” I ask, keeping my eyes on Kate.

  She’s a fucking awful mother, a selfish alcoholic junkie, but she’s terrified. I know she wasn’t careless. I know she didn’t leave our baby girl to fend for herself. Something went wrong, and I know it’s because of me.

  It’s always because of me.

  But if I had her, if she was in my care and in my home, I would protect her a far lot better than Kate had. I look at Caterpillar as she looks at me, and apol
ogy is thick in her blue eyes. She knows this is as much her fault as it is mine.

  “Cooper, get up,” she says, bending to grab my arm. I shake her off. I don’t want her to touch me. “The longer you spend sitting there, the longer your daughter is out there somewhere.”

  “Kate.” I manage to climb to my feet and stare at my ex-wife breaking in front of me. “Go and get Caterpillar some clothes.”

  “But-”

  “Now!”

  She jumps at the demand, but turns quickly to find something for my prisoner to wear. I turn to her, gripping the top of her arms as I dive into her soul. It should have been her. I’ve been ready for them to turn up and take her for a week…not Doe. Not my baby.

  “If we don’t find her,” I croak, the emotion thick in my voice and choking me. “If they touch one hair on her perfect head, you’re finished.”

  “Cooper.”

  “No.” I shake my head. “Nothing you say can change it. I suggest you think of a way to find my daughter.”

  Caterpillar shakes in my hold and my gaze falls to the little butterfly settled on her chest. Why did I give her the stupid gift? I should have kept it for Doe.

  “We’ll find her,” she says, her glistening eyes pinning me to the spot. “We’ll find her.”

  “I hope so, for both of our sakes.”

  I sit in the back of the car while Kate sits in the front next to Cooper. I want to blame her, to ask her if she was high and drunk when her daughter was taken, but I keep my mouth shut. It isn’t her fault. Her guilt isn’t from recklessness; she doesn’t feel like her world is falling apart because she neglected her daughter and allowed them to take her. She’s crumbling in on herself because she isn’t to blame—because she can pinpoint a moment, a small window of time when her daughter was stolen, and they are the moments she will remember for the rest of her life. There is nothing I can say to punish her more than she’s punishing herself, nothing Cooper or I can threaten her with, because she’s already lost it all.