The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  GORDON: Gladly.

  SALLY-ANNE: And it’s over for you, James – I’ve called the police.

  TRENCH: Oh, and don’t worry David, I’ll put a word in for you.

  SALLY-ANNE: That, Trench is what he is worried about.

  (Concluding music wraps this scene up.)

  TRENCH: You said the belt was vital, Old Tom – and you were proved right.

  OLD TOM: Well yes, the belt was the trigger – but, of course, I was referring to the red one. Were you a bit worried when you realised Gordon wasn’t wearing it?

  TRENCH: Just a little bit, but fortunately the shoplifter from social services came to my rescue…

  OLD TOM: … to provide the catalyst that cut through years of cruel conditioning. And then, thankfully, Gordon finally cracked. It was just an ordinary belt that provided a link to Gordon’s troubled childhood. Well, Trench – are you going to inform me of the deductive process that brought down James’ robbing racket?

  TRENCH: I’ve been looking forward to this, Old Tom. I began to be suspicious when…

  OLD TOM: Hold your horses, Trenchy – first, let me see if I can piece the little information I have, together successfully.

  TRENCH: I doubt it. But if you must, go on.

  OLD TOM: You discovered most shoplifting incidents happened on Tuesday and Thursday lunchtimes which coincided with James’ visit to the high-street with young David. A group of youths always seemed to divert attention at the time of the thefts. They were probably rewarded by our friend from the social. James also proudly and prominently displayed his social services name badge, obviously to further divert suspicion away from him. Scandalously, he used a vulnerable child, David to stash the ‘swag’ in his ever-so-slightly oversized school bag when no one was looking. Then he used his brother’s distribution network to peddle the stolen goods. How am I doing so far?

  TRENCH: I’m speechless – how could you possibly know that? You’re not telepathic, are you?

  (We hear OLD TOM throw a newspaper at TRENCH.)

  OLD TOM: No, but as I’ve already mentioned, I can read. Reading in-between the lines of the article on the shoplifting spree in the Stokeham Herald provided me with my suppositions.

  TRENCH: It’s not fair, I wanted to solve the shoplifting, but – on my own.

  OLD TOM: You did, young Trench – and I’m proud of you. In fact you are learning that fast, you might not need me for much longer.

  TRENCH: Oh, I still need you Old Tom – I think I always will.

  OLD TOM: Nothing lasts forever, Trench. When the time is right, I will move on – and so will you…

  TRENCH: Well not yet, not on my watch! You’ll be pleased to know that young David has been exonerated of all blame.

  OLD TOM: Good. Oh, thanks for the hammer, by the way. One day, it will come in very useful…

  TRENCH: Don’t mention it. And Vicky is her old self again. She is re-joining her Law degree course at university next term, treating her hiatus as a ‘gap’ year.

  OLD TOM: The legal eagle can now open her wings and begin to fly again…

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne says she is now in contact with all her old friends including Sall of course. Vicky’s independent spirit has returned with a vengeance and, believe it or not, she and Gordon couldn’t be happier. Even though now it’s Vicky who generally gives the orders and not him!

  OLD TOM: So, Vicky is now wearing the trousers? Just as it should be, err I think. A happy ending, Trench – and to celebrate let’s bring out my new/old cake.

  TRENCH: Yes, the armchair detective has unlocked Gordon’s psychological secret, I’ll eat to that.

  OLD TOM: Fetch the cake tin then.

  (TRENCH passes over the tin.)

  OLD TOM: One for me and one for you.

  TRENCH: What would happen if I took two slices?

  OLD TOM: I’d think twice if I was you. If you look closely, you will notice that I am still wearing my belt…

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  THE

  ARMCHAIR

  DETECTIVE’s

  Last Ever Case

  INTRODUCTION

  "All good things must come to an end."

  Old Tom begins to realise that his time with Trench is nearly over, his work almost complete.

  But first, there is their most bizarre mystery yet to solve. As new owners prepare to take over the Stokeham Herald, a strange black box sends Trench on a seemingly frantic wild goose chase throughout Stokeham. There is a rising familiarity behind all the rushing about - and Old Tom starts to sense a hidden agenda...

  CAST LIST

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  SALLY-ANNE

  EDITOR LAW

  (Cast List continued after the conclusion.)

  ACT ONE

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (We hear TRENCH open the front door, rummage about a bit in the hall – and then enter the living room.)

  OLD TOM: It’s been a long time, Trench.

  (TRENCH sits himself down.)

  TRENCH: Your armchair is the same as ever.

  OLD TOM: As I am.

  TRENCH: I’ve not ignored you on purpose, Old Tom. It’s just that – believe it or not – I haven’t come across anything for quite a while that you could help me with – until now.

  OLD TOM: I’m listening.

  TRENCH: Oh, this time I have a real mystery for you. It baffles me just thinking about it!

  OLD TOM: I’m definitely listening now…

  TRENCH: Hang on, there are two cups of tea on the table. Having not seen you for a fair old time now, how did you know to expect me?

  OLD TOM: As I’ve no doubt told you before, young Trench, I often make you a cup of tea, as a precautionary measure, just in case you do visit. It should be cold enough by now, so drink up.

  (We can hear OLD TOM and TRENCH sip their teas.)

  TRENCH: As I was saying, Old Tom, about this latest mystery. It’s truly bizarre, it really is…

  OLD TOM: We will come to that all in good time, my friend. First tell me, what has been going on with you in the many, many moons since your last visit?

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne has a new boyfriend, Jonathan – I think his name is. She has begun to see more and more of him in London. Editor Law is spending more and more time on the golf course. Rumour has it that he’ll soon be going for early retirement.

  OLD TOM: Which leaves poor Trenchy all alone. I imagine it’s been difficult holding the fort at the Stokeham Herald lately. Maybe that’s why you haven’t come to see me, you’ve been too busy!

  TRENCH: Not exactly. When I was starting to struggle, Editor Law took on a new reporter, Dominic. We don’t seem to really get on but he did come recommended from the Ghoulmouth Gazette. In fact Geoffrey, remember whom I met in Fisherman’s Cove…

  OLD TOM: I remember.

  TRENCH: …recommended us to him.

  OLD TOM: Spoken to Geoffrey then, have you?

  TRENCH: No, actually – it was Dominic who mentioned Geoffrey.

  OLD TOM: I see. Well, are you going to show me what you have dumped in my hallway?

  TRENCH: How did you..?

  OLD TOM: I do have ears, remember.

  TRENCH: I’ll go and fetch it.

  (TRENCH leaves the living room and returns with the object.)

  OLD TOM: Is that the great mystery?

  TRENCH: It certainly is.

  OLD TOM: A black box?

  TRENCH: Yes, odd isn’t it? It just appeared on my desk this morning. It had this note sellotaped onto it. Here, have a read.

  OLD TOM: ‘Uncover the clues to solve the Stokeham mystery’. How intriguing. I didn’t even know there was a Stokeham mystery.

  TRENCH: Neither did I. I’ve tried to open the box but it seems impenetrable. Maybe it’s made from the same material as the black boxes on an aircraft.

  OLD TOM: A black box… about the size of a square shoe box… that won’t open… and so
mehow holds the secret to a new mystery. How utterly absorbing. Fetch me the hammer that you bought me – from the kitchen. We’ll smash it open.

  (The BLACK BOX starts to speak. It clearly has an electronic voice. A whirring sound can be heard in the background when it does speak.)

  BLACK BOX: Take me to the offices of Property Management Limited before sixteen hundred hours to discover your first clue.

  OLD TOM: Amazing.

  TRENCH: Sixteen hundred hours?

  OLD TOM: That’s four o’clock, Trench.

  TRENCH: Oh no, that only gives me barely half-an-hour to dash across town.

  OLD TOM: You had better get a move on then – and sharpish.

  TRENCH: Right.

  OLD TOM: And Trench, don’t forget to finish your tea first – I insist.

  TRENCH: Oh very well.

  (TRENCH gulps the tea down.)

  TRENCH: I’ll be off, but first, what do you think this is actually all about?

  OLD TOM: I think it’s a trail, Trench. So follow it and see where it leads.

  TRENCH: I’d better dash while the trails hot, then.

  OLD TOM: Oh, and Trench.

  TRENCH: (Says with frustration and urgency:) What is it now?

  OLD TOM: Don’t forget your Black Box, you may actually need it.

  TRENCH: Err, yeah – bye!

  (Speedy music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: Of course, Property Management Limited, I’m at Stonebridge’s company.

  (TRENCH bursts through the door.)

  JILL: Err, Trench isn’t it? What are you doing here? And why are you holding a black box?

  TRENCH: (Who’s obviously out of breath.) Don’t ask. Ms Jill Masterson, long time, no see.

  JILL: I’m afraid Mr Stonebridge is out, assuming it is him you’ve come to see. Trench, what are you looking for?

  TRENCH: I don’t know, but I’ve only two minutes left!

  BLACK BOX: The first clue: Use the secretary as a pointer. You have ninety seconds remaining.

  TRENCH: What the hell does it mean by..? You are not pointing at anything. Come on, think Trench think. But your shoes are pointed – and there are slight scuff marks on the tips… from underneath your desk! I know this is most unorthodox Jill, but would you mind moving away from your desk?

  JILL: I don’t understand any of this.

  TRENCH: (Who raises his voice.) Just do it!

  JILL: (Affronted.) Really.

  (JILL moves and TRENCH frantically scrambles underneath her desk.)

  TRENCH: I can’t find anything.

  BLACK BOX: Twenty seconds remaining.

  TRENCH: Found it!

  (TRENCH gets up.)

  JILL: What is it?

  TRENCH: A little, tiny black box. Let’s see what happens if I squeeze it – it opens… There’s a small black sheep inside.

  JILL: Ah, cute.

  TRENCH: It’s getting hot. Ouch.

  (TRENCH drops it.)

  BLACK BOX: One second remaining…

  (There is a very small explosion.)

  TRENCH: How strange, there must have been a small incendiary device inside the sheep – to go off at the appointed time. Now, there’s nothing left of my so-called first clue.

  JILL: I think I preferred you before, when you were returning golf balls.

  TRENCH: Sorry about all this, Jill. How are you these days? Are you still ‘friends’ with Sam Stonebridge?

  JILL: Oh no, that all ended with that business at Mayflower Court. Our relationship now is strictly professional.

  TRENCH: You might be interested to know that ex-sergeant Jenkins died soon after discovering the Mayflower flats were to remain.

  JILL: Good. It gives me great pleasure knowing that the man I hold responsible for my father’s death died penniless literally on top of a fortune.

  TRENCH: Goodbye Jill.

  (TRENCH closes the door as he leaves.)

  TRENCH: Well, at least she’s not bitter and twisted!

  (The BLACK BOX whirrs into life.)

  BLACK BOX: Meet contact at Stokeham Station at seventeen hundred hours.

  TRENCH: Hmm ‘contact’? Well, the bad news is that the station is the other side of town. The good news is I’ve plenty of time – a brisk walk will do. At least this box will keep me fit!

  (Music and train sounds change the scene.)

  (We can hear the busy sounds of a train station including the typically ineffectual loud speaker system.)

  TRENCH: I wonder who my contact is – it could be anyone. I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him – or her. Wait a minute, seventeen hundred – five o’clock. Sally-Anne’s train from London is due at five. My contact must be her!

  (We hear the train pull into the station and stop. The door opens as the passengers step onto the platform.)

  TRENCH: (Who shouts:) Sally-Anne! Sally-Anne, over here.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, what are you doing here?

  BLACK BOX: Contact has been made. Take me to thirteen, Primrose Avenue before seventeen hundred and thirty hours to discover your second clue.

  TRENCH: We’ve only half-an-hour – but I know where Primrose Avenue is. If we dash, we should make it with a bit of time to spare. Where’s your luggage, by the way?

  SALLY-ANNE: Luckily, I left it at Jonathan’s. Trench, what’s going on here? And why are you carrying a black box that speaks?

  TRENCH: Come on, we’ll have to go. I’ll explain what I can on the way.

  SALLY-ANNE: I was enjoying myself in London. Going out to the theatre with Jonathan; frequenting fancy restaurants. Why have I come back to this?

  TRENCH: (Says more loudly:) Come on!

  (Busy music moves things along.)

  TRENCH: Thirteen Primrose Avenue. We’ve made it with five minutes to spare.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll knock, shall I?

  (SALLY-ANNE knocks on the door – which is opened after a few moments.)

  TRENCH: Sawn-Off! What are you doing here?

  SAWN-OFF: Visiting my mother. Hang on, what are you doing here?

  MOTHER: (Calling from the living room.) Please invite your friends in, Cedric. You know how I love to meet your chums.

  SAWN-OFF: (Who sighs:) Yes, mother.

  TRENCH: Cedric! Cedric?

  (They all walk inside and sit down in the living room.)

  MOTHER: That’s right – you young people sit down. In a moment, I’ll make us all a nice cup of tea. Now dear, introduce your lovely friends to me.

  SAWN-OFF: This is Trench and Sally…

  SALLY-ANNE: …Anne.

  SAWN-OFF: Still seeing Marcus?

  SALLY-ANNE: No, that fizzled out a while ago…

  TRENCH: Err, how’s Happy, Sawn-Off – I mean Cedric?

  SAWN-OFF: In custody, I’m afraid. He’s recently confessed to a series of crimes. Some of which he somehow committed when he was last detained. Don’t worry though, my Brief will soon have him out again.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m so touched.

  TRENCH: And Happy will be happy?

  MOTHER: It warms my heart that my son looks after his staff so much.

  SALLY-ANNE: Doesn’t it just.

  MOTHER: And it’s so nice to see friends reminiscing over old times.

  TRENCH: How’s business in west London, Sawn- err, Cedric?

  SAWN-OFF: Satisfactory. To establish authority though, I had to break a few knee-ca… ca…ca…

  MOTHER: Yes dear..?

  SAWN-OFF: I had to break a few err, free flowers in. You know, give some away to make a good start in my floral business.

  MOTHER: So generous… You always have been.

  TRENCH: Yes, unbelievable. Sorry to change the subject, but has anyone come across a very small black box?

  SAWN-OFF: No, Trench – but you’re holding one, why?

  BLACK BOX: The second clue: Trouble can brew when left alone. You have ninety seconds remaining.

  TRENCH: Of course, I’ll make the tea!

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll help.

&nb
sp; (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE rush into the kitchen.)

  TRENCH: Quick the tea pot, where is it?

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who opens a cupboard.) In this cupboard. (She picks it up.) It’s an old ‘Brown Betty’!

  TRENCH: Never mind, open it.

  SALLY-ANNE: There’s something inside… How odd, a small black box.

  TRENCH: Squeeze it.

  SALLY-ANNE: Squeeze it?

  BLACK BOX: Twenty seconds remaining.

  TRENCH: To open it, hurry.

  SALLY-ANNE: Very well. (She squeezes it open.) It’s a toy, model sports car.

  TRENCH: Now, drop it.

  SALLY-ANNE: This is getting more weird by the minute.

  (SALLY-ANNE drops the car on the floor.)

  BLACK BOX: One second remaining.

  (There is a small explosion.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Engine trouble?

  MOTHER: (Says from the living room.) Everything all right dears?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, wonderful. Just wonderful.

  (Slightly slower music ends this scene.)

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are walking along a pavement.)

  TRENCH: It was so nice to see that Sawn-Off has turned over a new leaf.

  SALLY-ANNE: Yeah, right.

  BLACK BOX: Initiating stand-by mode. Await further instructions in due course.

  SALLY-ANNE: ‘Further instructions’. Arrogant little fellow, isn’t he?

  TRENCH: At least it means I can have a break from all this dashing about. I think I’ll go back to the office. Coming?

  SALLY-ANNE: No, I’m going to go home to finally freshen up. See yah.

  (A brief interlude of music moves things along.)

  (DOMINIC is typing away in the office of the Stokeham Herald, but pauses when TRENCH walks in. He occasionally types again during their conversation.)

  TRENCH: Dominic, who’s Editor Law locked himself up with, in his office?

  DOMINIC: I’ve really no idea.

  TRENCH: He looked like a bald-headed business man.

  DOMINIC: (Who sighs, obviously annoyed at being interrupted.) I assume you’re not talking about Editor Law?

  TRENCH: Err no. Our editor has a full head of hair, albeit grey. There’s a rumour circling around the secretaries that the meeting’s about closing the Stokeham Herald down.