The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

OLD TOM: Logic!

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  The

  Armchair

  Detective

  and the

  Castle

  of

  Mandrake

  Part One

  INTRODUCTION

  First ever Armchair Detective two-parter:

  "Events cast shadows before them."

  Old Tom, most unlike himself, is suddenly fearful of the 'Old Days'. He eagerly looks into Trench's new mystery to take his mind off his worries.

  The investigation takes Trench and Debsy away from traffic duty to a detective agency who are monitoring the strange case of a wife who disappears every Tuesday night.

  And just who is watching Trench from afar?

  Old Tom slowly realises that he must solve the case before his past catches up with him...

  Cast List

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  DEBSY

  EDITOR LAW

  RHET

  SADE

  MRS RODIEL

  THE CONCIERGE

  MAN

  WOMAN

  Act One

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Events cast shadows before them.

  TRENCH: Sorry, Old Tom. I’ve been trying the door – I thought you weren’t in. Where was the usual, ‘Come in, young man, the door is open.’?

  OLD TOM: My apologies, Trench. Sit down, please.

  (TRENCH tentatively sits down.)

  TRENCH: You were saying..?

  OLD TOM: Look out of the window.

  TRENCH: Yes, congratulations, you’ve drawn the curtains back for once.

  OLD TOM: Please do as I ask.

  TRENCH: All right, hang on to your armchair. I can only see the cloud formations from here.

  OLD TOM: Precisely. Dark, doom-laden clouds – a portent of terrible things to come.

  TRENCH: Or more likely, that it is going to rain.

  OLD TOM: A storm is coming…

  TRENCH: Come on, old timer – what’s wrong? You’re not normally like this.

  OLD TOM: I suddenly thought about your remark during our logical problem.

  TRENCH: You’ve lost me.

  OLD TOM; Sometimes that is not difficult.

  TRENCH: Ouch!

  OLD TOM: You said that Debsy, after following the white van, bumped into a man wearing a green hat on her way to your offices.

  TRENCH: Err, yes – I remember. What of it?

  OLD TOM: Did Debsy get a good look at the man?

  TRENCH: I don’t think so, but I can check. Why are you so worried about this? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost from the past.

  OLD TOM: That is what’s concerning me. The man in the green hat reminds me of someone from way back – someone from the Old Days.

  TRENCH: That’s the second time you have mentioned the Old Days. What happened?

  OLD TOM: But as you implied, Trench – the collision was most likely to be with a member of Joe Public. So, I agree, my speculations are unlikely and thus unnecessary.

  TRENCH: If you don’t want to tell me, I won’t press.

  OLD TOM: You haven’t informed me yet of the reason for your visit.

  TRENCH: No – but to put it simply, I’m being followed.

  OLD TOM: Was he..? Was he..?

  TRENCH: No, no he… or she wasn’t wearing a green hat – just a long, long black overcoat with an impenetrable hood.

  OLD TOM: Has he – let us assume it’s a him for now – has he followed you here?

  TRENCH: No, but I’ve seen him seemingly staring at me at the Stokeham Herald offices. I’m sure he’s followed me out and about covering stories – even Debsy’s clocked him once or twice.

  OLD TOM: And you have no idea who it is?

  TRENCH: I know it isn’t Editor Law – but that’s about it.

  OLD TOM: How strange…

  TRENCH: But what should I do about it? I mean, he’s giving me the creeps.

  OLD TOM: Ah, that’s easy. Follow the follower, see where the trail leads…

  TRENCH: I’ll give it a try. You’ve not made any tea, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: You know where the kitchen is, Trench.

  (Doom-laden music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are typing in their Stokeham Herald office. TRENCH stops typing and stands up. We can hear the rain slowly becoming heavier on the window.)

  DEBSY: Trenny – daydreaming again, are we? Or are you actually looking at something?

  TRENCH: Our mysterious stranger is stood right in the middle of the car-park, in the pouring rain, staring right at this office.

  DEBSY: Are you sure?

  TRENCH: This time, I’m going to follow him.

  (DEBSY gets up, but is off-balance and knocks her coffee over.)

  DEBSY: Drat, the coffee’s gone for a burden. Mind you, they say too much caffeine is bad for you.

  TRENCH: You’ve ruined my printout. (There is a pause as TRENCH looks out of the window again.) Damn, he’s disappeared. Thanks Debsy.

  DEBSY: That’s right, blame poor old me if it makes you feel any better.

  (EDITOR LAW pushes the office door open.)

  EDITOR LAW: I’m not disturbing anything, am I?

  DEBSY: No, Editor Law, of course not.

  EDITOR LAW: Well, I should be. You should be working, so I should be disturbing!

  TRENCH: You are disturbing, sir.

  (DEBSY tries unsuccessfully to suppress a laugh.)

  EDITOR LAW: I suppose I asked for that.

  TRENCH: We were actually working, but were disturbed by somebody watching us.

  EDITOR LAW: Who?

  TRENCH: Now, that is the question.

  EDITOR LAW: Enough. Now, I expect you’ll both be out covering reaction from the new one-way system in town?

  DEBSY: Yes, that’s definitely near the top of our ‘things to do’ list.

  EDITOR LAW: You misunderstand me Deborah – I want that story in this week’s edition, so I’ll say again: I expect you will both be out covering the traffic changes – now.

  DEBSY: But, it’s raining.

  EDITOR LAW: (Says annoyed:) I said, now.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH scramble out from their desks in a rushed and undignified manner.)

  TRENCH: Yes, we’re going.

  DEBSY: Right away, sir.

  EDITOR LAW: Enjoy your afternoon, children.

  DEBSY: Oh, I couldn’t borrow your golfing umbrella, could I?

  (The light-hearted music is drowned out by the noise of the worsening rain.)

  (Busy traffic can be heard in the background, along with the inevitable rain.)

  MAN: I think they’ve made a right pig’s ear of it. I mean, the congestion is doubled if not trebled by this crazy one-way system. I’ve even had time for this conversation whilst waiting to cross the road. There’s a space – right, I’m off.

  (The MAN dashes across the road.)

  DEBSY: Err, thanks anyway.

  TRENCH: At least the rain’s gone off a bit, Debs.

  DEBSY: I’m still getting soaked through because of Editor Law’s famous generosity of spirit – deciding not to lend us his precious golfing umbrella.

  TRENCH: Don’t you know that Editor Law wouldn’t even give you the dirt underneath his divot?

  DEBSY: I suppose not. Trench, that woman’s just locking up her shop.

  TRENCH: Yes, I can see that.

  DEBSY: Don’t you think she’ll be a good person to interview about this traffic nonsense? How it affects her business and so on…

  TRENCH: Oh yeah – see what you mean. (Then speaks more loudly to catch the WOMAN:) Excuse me madam, how, in your opinion has the new one-way system affected yourself and local traders?

  WOMAN: Sorry, must dash.

  (We hear the WOMAN’s stilettoes scuttle away.)

  TRENCH: Err, we’re from the Stokeham Herald, by the way.

  DEBSY: Oh, brilliant Trenny. Your knack of bringing the best out of the public is near legendary.
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  TRENCH: Look at yourself – you’re that wet, you’re not so much dizzy Debsy – more like drizzly Debsy.

  DEBSY: And you’ll be tanking wet Trench, if you don’t watch out.

  TRENCH: Hah.

  DEBSY: There’s another woman over there, let’s talk to her.

  TRENCH: I’d rather talk to him.

  DEBSY: Sorry.

  TRENCH: The stranger, the man – or woman who’s been following me – or us, is stood at the far side of the road – staring again, straight at us.

  DEBSY: So it is. Right, let’s see what he makes of the traffic situation!

  (DEBSY and TRENCH begin to walk fast through the traffic and the rain.)

  TRENCH: He’s seen us!

  DEBSY: And he’s walking away.

  TRENCH: So let’s hurry up. This time I don’t want to lose him.

  (They walk faster. Mystery music starts to play as the dignified ‘chase’ begins. Traffic roars past and intermittingly we hear things like:

  TRENCH: Damned traffic! DEBSY: He’s getting away. TRENCH: That’s better. DEBSY: We’re closing in.

  - the music gradually fades away.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY stop, and they are slightly out of breath.)

  TRENCH: He’s entering those offices.

  DEBSY: Old fashioned building, could be solicitors?

  TRENCH: Let’s find out – our friend has gone inside.

  (They walk up to the door.)

  DEBSY: It was the third button up he pressed.

  TRENCH: Debsy, do you have telescopic vision or something?

  DEBSY: Something like that.

  TRENCH: If you’re right – and I suspect you are, our stalker stroke stranger is visiting the Dragon Detective Agency. What a strange name.

  DEBSY: I’ve just thought of something.

  TRENCH: I dread to ask, but what?

  DEBSY: Won’t Editor Law be furious if he finds out we’ve deserted our traffic duty?

  TRENCH: You think we should go back?

  DEBSY: Nah, as I said, we only want to ask the stranger what he thinks of the one-way problem – and that’s what we’ve come to ask him!

  TRENCH: Good thinking Debs. Do you want to press the buzzer or shall I?

  (The buzzer is pressed and expectant music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH knocks on the door and opens it without waiting for a reply.)

  TRENCH: Sorry, we’re following a man in a long, dark coat who was wearing a hood.

  SADE: Aren’t we all dear?

  RHET: I’m Rhet with just the one ‘t’, this is the delicious Sade. As you’ve probably gathered we work for the Dragon Detective Agency. But, as you can see – there is no such stranger in our midst.

  SADE: There are several floors of offices here, perhaps your friend popped into a different one.

  TRENCH: Perhaps…

  DEBSY: …but unlikely. We took the precautionary measure of checking the other offices before coming here. They all seem to have gone home for the day and locked their doors.

  RHET: So you think your mystery man is with us within this room? How amusing.

  SADE: You didn’t stop to think he might have slipped into one of the other offices and simply locked the door behind him? If he was avoiding you, he naturally wouldn’t rush to answer.

  TRENCH: You didn’t think of that, did you Debsy?

  DEBSY: I did Trench, as a matter of fact.

  RHET: So, it’s Trench and daring Debsy – delighted. If it isn’t too rude a question – apart from chasing shadows – what the hell are you two doing in our offices? We do have work to do.

  DEBSY: We were just following a lead – and the lead led us here.

  TRENCH: What do you two, err Rhet and Sade, make of the new one-way system?

  SADE: I like that, Trench. Nonsensical humour to throw us off-balance. Maybe we should use that more in our line of work, Rhet?

  RHET: Talking of work, do you mind?

  DEBSY: Of course – I can see you are most dreadfully busy, so we’d better be on our way, Trench.

  TRENCH: Yes, well if that person we mentioned enters the building again – you can always contact us at the Stokeham Herald.

  RHET: You’re journalists? How…

  SADE: …amusing. Forgive my friends rudeness. Please Trench and Debsy, have a coffee with us.

  RHET: Yes, sorry about that. Your reporter’s nose for curiosity may be beneficial to the case we’re working on…

  (A brief interlude of music moves things on.)

  DEBSY: That coffee was lovely.

  TRENCH: I’m just glad it was hot. That’s an awfully big filing cabinet, you know.

  RHET: What can I say? We have an awful amount of cases.

  DEBSY: And what is the case you want us to look into?

  SADE: Well, we thought it was the usual run-of-the-mill assignment – check on the wifey whilst husband goes to play Bridge on a certain evening. You know, to see if wifey is having an affair.

  TRENCH: And how can we help? As you’ve said, simple surveillance not super sleuthing is all that’s required on this one.

  RHET: But that’s just it, Trench. Once hubby leaves for Bridge – his wife does not leave the home.

  SADE: We know – we’re covering front and back doors.

  DEBSY: You didn’t stop to think, Sade that she’s conducting her affair indoors or is simply curled up on the sofa – alone, watching a weepie?

  SADE: Yes Debsy – of course we did.

  RHET: And she isn’t. The client has given us a set of house keys – so after a while we enter the house.

  SADE: And wifey is nowhere to be seen…

  TRENCH: And, Rhet, when is your client planning to play Bridge next?

  RHET: Tonight, Trench.

  DEBSY: Fancy some company..?

  (Mysterious music changes the scene.)

  OLD TOM: Good morning, Trench.

  TRENCH: Hmm, what’s that I can smell, old timer?

  OLD TOM: That will be porridge. Be a dear and pour it into two bowls – it should be ready by now.

  (TRENCH gets up and goes into the kitchen and does the honours regarding the porridge. He comes back with the two bowls.)

  TRENCH: There you go. This porridge looks scrumptious – and lovely and hot…

  OLD TOM: Trench, what do you think you’re doing?

  TRENCH: Well, I am hungry – and was just about to dig into the porridge.

  OLD TOM: Don’t be a damned fool man – and wait for it to cool down.

  TRENCH: (Says crestfallen:) Oh, yeah – sorry. I forgot… about the unwritten rule, don’t consume until it’s either cold or stale. Cold porridge… I’m not sure I can do that.

  OLD TOM: Nonsense, have I ever let you down?

  TRENCH: Yes, frequently.

  OLD TOM: Well, this time will be the exception, then.

  (Music moves a little bit of time along.)

  OLD TOM: Good news, the porridge is nearly cold enough.

  TRENCH: Wonderful. Now, where was I?

  OLD TOM: You had followed your follower to some offices.

  TRENCH: Yes, Debsy thought the stranger had pressed the Dragon Detective Agency button, but I wasn’t so sure. Old Tom, what’s wrong? You’ve that ‘someone has just walked over my grave’ look again.

  OLD TOM: It’s just the word ‘dragon’… No, the link is too tenuous.

  TRENCH: What are we talking about?

  OLD TOM: I am worried that my past maybe starting to catch up with me…

  TRENCH: The Old Days?

  OLD TOM: Yes, but sometimes we see things that aren’t there. Come on, Trench.

  TRENCH: We entered the offices and our mystery man had vanished…

  (Another short piece of mystery music moves the scene along.)

  (OLD TOM eagerly scrapes his bowl.)

  OLD TOM: That porridge was delicious. Come on Trenchy – you’ve barely touched yours.

  TRENCH: I’m trying – it’s not quite, err cold enough yet.

  OLD
TOM: Rhet with one ‘t’ and Sade…

  TRENCH: Yes, but why repeat our detecting duo’s names?

  OLD TOM: The names… strange yet curious…

  TRENCH: If you say so. Debsy and I then joined Rhet and Sade watching the house after the husband had left to play Bridge – and the same pattern was repeated.

  OLD TOM: The wife does not appear to leave the house – and after a while, you entered the marital home to discover nothing more than an empty house. No wife, no nothing.

  TRENCH: Yes, a puzzler – don’t you think?

  OLD TOM: Bridge..? Could it possibly be..? You have never said why the husband becomes suspicious of his wife?

  TRENCH: (Says reluctantly:) No, no I haven’t.

  OLD TOM: Then tell me…

  TRENCH: When the husband returns from Bridge, he says his wife is back to greet him – but he has often seen a man retreating back into the shadows of his long garden. A man wearing a long, black overcoat…

  OLD TOM: And I can see that the dark clouds have not lifted yet, far from it…

  (A longer piece of mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  Act Two

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are typing away in their Stokeham Herald office. TRENCH stops for a bit.)

  TRENCH: So Debsy, what do you make of rampant Rhet and sexy Sade?

  DEBSY: I wouldn’t quite go that far, Trenny – but I suppose Rhet is good looking in a mysterious sort of way…

  TRENCH: Too much information, dear.

  DEBSY: Sorry, now what did I make of them? I thought they were a bit creepy and err, false.

  TRENCH: In what way?

  DEBSY: I found all that ‘how amusing’ a bit tiresome. Sade was quick to compliment: ‘I like that Trench’, but maybe she just fancies you – and what was that ‘Rhet with one ‘t’’ all about?

  TRENCH: Good observations, Debs – maybe you and Old Tom would get on.

  DEBSY: Yes, well that’s not very likely seeing as I’m not allowed to meet him.

  TRENCH: Err, moving on – where do you think the wife disappears to?

  DEBSY: Oh, she’s probably having a clandestine affair somewhere with some bod – but is just too clever at slipping away – unless, unless she’s enlisted good ole Mr Harris to dig a tunnel for her! That’s it, of course – Harris and wifey meet underground in the middle of the tunnel and conduct their affair there!