by Aileen Fish
Lily started and looked up in surprise. She didn’t know what to say. She only nodded. Ann hesitated, then continued, “Are you the girl they were looking for yesterday?”
Lily stared at the other woman completely unsure of what to say. She knew James would not want Ann to know but Lily didn’t know what else she could tell the other woman. “What do you mean?” Lily finally stuttered out.
Ann sighed, “You don’t walk, talk, look or act like a boy. Sometimes you are better at it than others, you did fine yesterday but it’s obvious, having spent so much time with you that you are no male. Are you the kidnapped girl?”
“If you’re wondering if I am being held hostage than the answer is no. James and Tom are my brothers.” Lily hesitated, she hadn’t answered the questions but maybe she was addressing Ann’s fears.
Ann nodded, “But why are soldiers looking for you?”
Back to that, Lily thought, biting her lip. She couldn’t say anymore without admitting she was female but Ann already knew. “I was kidnapped by a Colonel. He... he wanted to marry me but I escaped. Now, we are trying to get back home. I’m sorry that you have been dragged into this.”
Ann waved her hand, “Truthfully, this is far better than the circumstances I was in. My husband became ill and died shortly after we moved to Bucksport. We had come to enter into the fishing business but I had to use what little money we had saved to live and the money had run out. I had few options, none of them good.”
“I’d love to hear the whole story sometime,” Lily smiled at the other woman. Ann returned the grin.
“I think we had better talk about your story first. The Lieutenant Colonel said that you had run away from home and been picked up by a group of men. He claimed you were related to the Colonel, the one who wanted to marry you, I guess. He must really want to marry you if he is sending out his subordinates to find you.” Ann looked at her.
“The Colonel is not a nice man. He is involved in a great deal of illegal activity. I am sure anyone who is helping him is involved with him.” Lily wanted Ann to understand the danger but the other woman misunderstood.
“I won’t help them, I...” Ann started but Lily stopped her.
“Ann, I just want you to know the danger you are in,” Lily stated firmly.
“Oh, I understand. Thank you.”
The two women went back to gathering firewood and Lily whispered to Ann, “Don’t let on that you know yet. James will not be happy.”
“He’s angry with you isn’t he?” Ann asked.
Lily nodded and shrugged. “He’ll get over it,” she said but she was beginning to wonder.
They returned to camp. Lily spoke little, which was not unusual, and it gave her time to think. The more she thought about what she told Ann, the more worried she had done the wrong thing. Ann had been so confident about her knowledge that Lily had seemed like she had little choice but perhaps she should have held out. She was absolutely sure that she did not want to talk to James about it. Relations were tense enough between them. She considered talking to Eric but she was hurt and still angry about his rejection last night. When Lily had been kidnapped, she told herself no matter what Eric was willing to give, she would take it. She did not want to be married to anyone else.
It wasn’t that she had changed her mind, she hadn’t. It was just that she was beginning to truly understand what it would mean to love someone so much more than they loved in return. To want things that the other would be unwilling to give. She would always be aching for more and she wondered if she would always be feeling anger and resentment. It didn’t seem like a good situation for either of them. The thought of not marrying Eric made her heart ache but the thought of watching her heart break over and over again made her pulse with pain.
She needed to talk with someone. Her brother James would not offer objective advice so it had to be Tom.
When Tom went to get water, Lily offered to help. He accepted with a nod. Her brother looked more tired than she could ever remember seeing him and once they cleared camp she touched his arm. “Are you all right?” she whispered.
“Just tired and anxious to get home,” he raked his hand through his hair. “I’ll be glad when we get to Portland.”
She hesitated. “Is that where Ann leaves us?”
“Yes, if her family is there. James is going to look with her while we head home. If she can’t find anyone, I imagine she will come to Boston with us or go to our house in Maine. James hasn’t decided yet.”
An immense relief washed through Lily. Ann was already part of the fold. “Oh that is wonderful! I was so worried I had made a terrible mistake but...”
“Wait, what mistake?” Tom stopped walking and turned to look at her.
“Well, Ann said that she knew I wasn’t a boy and—”
“What! She knows? Lily, how could you? After just seeing Andrews, how could you tell her? It was so irresponsible.” Tom started heading in the opposite direction of the river, back to the camp.
“Tom, where are you going, we haven’t gotten water. Why do you have to immediately tell James? He is going to...” Tom quickened his pace and she had to stop talking to keep up.
Tom practically ran into camp. Lily had clearly underestimated his reaction. He stopped in front of James and Lily skidded to a stop behind him. “Ann knows.”
“How?” James stood, fury evident in his stance.
Lily looked around. Ann was nowhere to be seen. She wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. “She asked. She wanted to know if I was the kidnapped girl. She already knew I was female.”
“Dammit Lily!” James roared. “Why do you insist on making this as difficult as possible? It’s like you want to be kidnapped again. Why do continue to take the worst possible path? Don’t you understand the less anyone knows, the easier it is to keep you safe? You have been nothing but trouble since Sampson entered the picture. What is wrong with you?”
Lily felt her own anger that she had been pushing down inside bubble to the surface. “What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Why do you insist on being angry with me for things that are completely out of my control? I can’t help the kidnapping, or unjust rumors started by a malicious man or the fact that you have forced me to find a husband in a ridiculously short amount of time. Nor can I control what Ann has figured out. I am doing the best I can, can you say the same?”
James looked ready to spit, “I have done everything for you. I left school, got married, ran the business to take care of you and now this is how you repay me?”
“When are you going to stop blaming me? I have tried to be the best I could for you. I tried to be as easy and helpful as possible but it’s never enough. Well, I release you of your duty. Go live your life, stop trying to help me. You’re making us both miserable!” The words ripped from her mouth before she really thought about what she was saying. She almost instantly regretted them. Lily dimly saw Ann and Tom standing to the side, transfixed before she ran.
She didn’t know where she was going and wasn’t even aware of what direction she was traveling until she found herself on the river bank. Lily stared at the water for a few minutes then threw her hat on the ground, ripped her bandana off and started unlacing her shoes. She yanked her shirt and pants off and finally unbound her breasts, leaving it in a pile on the ground.
She stepped into the waist deep water and immediately let her head sink under. The water cleared her head and she sank to the letting the water wash over her. A flood of emotions that she had damned up came rushing out. Tears began to leak out of her eyes followed by racking sobs. She rose to the surface with a cry. Lily leaned her upper body on a rock and let the tears flow into the water. She couldn’t remember when she had felt more desperate. All her doubts about her marriage came bubbling to the surface as well as James’s resentment and hers over the marriage issue. She desperately needed to find her way.
She wasn’t aware that someone had joined her in the water until a hand lightly touched her shoulder.
A scream escaped her lips as she turned to see Eric, “You frightened me.”
“Sorry about that. Are you all right?” He touched her hair.
“Fine,” she turned her face away trying not to look at his bare chest. Muscles rippled from his broad shoulders down to his waist. Lily had never seen him naked before and she was slightly embarrassed. Besides, it would only distract her from the real issues.
Eric put his hand under her chin and turned it back toward him. “What’s wrong?” Lily knew that he wasn’t talking about James.
She wanted to tell him that she was angry he didn’t love her but she couldn’t do it. Instead she asked about her brother. “Am I ruining everything?”
“You aren’t ruining anything. I am. I have gotten you into a great deal of this trouble and I am trying not to get you into anymore. I know you are angry about last night but I just didn’t want to make James any more upset. I was trying to protect you and your relationship with your family. You are not exactly making it easier for me.” His hand stroked her cheek.
“Is that why you pushed me away yesterday?” She asked, her hurt evident.
“Yes. I’m sorry if I hurt you. We have a real problem. I can’t continue to appease him without risking losing you.” Eric was slowly pulling her closer to his body.
She felt her breath coming in shorter gasps. “Do you think this will make it better?” Lily asked.
“I don’t know, but we’re about to find out,” their bodies touched. Lily gasped. She had never felt a man’s skin against her own and it felt deliciously wonderful. She wiggled ever so slightly and the friction of their skin along with the slipperiness of the water sent shivers shooting through her body.
“Lily,” Eric said through clenched teeth. “I am only human and this has been a long time coming. You are incredibly beautiful and even harder to resist. I want to be gentle...”
She responded by kissing him with all the passion she had been storing up. It bubbled out of her and as their lips met and tasted each other over and over. Her hands were all over his body, feeling his back, his buttocks, his neck and chest. He felt amazing. His muscles rippled under her touch adding to her own pleasure and desire.
He broke the kiss and began trailing kisses down her neck, sending wave after wave of sensation through her. As he kissed down her chest she groaned and arched her back, thrusting her breast up and begging him with her body to take it in his mouth. Eric obliged her, and another groan ripped from her mouth. His hand traveled across her buttocks then reached between her legs lightly touching her. A gasping moan escaped her and he increased the pressure. She was writhing underneath his touch as desire built inside her filling her every pour. She wanted more although she was unsure of what that was.
Eric lifted her up out of the water, supporting her weight with his arms as she wrapped her legs around him. He lay her down in the grass on the river bank. Lily’s legs and arms were still locked around him as she pressed closer to his body. She lifted her face to his for another kiss and they stayed locked together for a few moments more before she felt him reach down again and spread her apart, thrusting quickly inside her. She felt another groan rip from her chest but this one was of pain rather than pleasure.
He stilled his movements and lightly kissed her lips. “Are you all right?” He asked softly as he nibbled at her neck.
She nodded, not wanting him to stop but not trusting her voice yet to speak. She was so glad to be in this moment finally, to belong to him and no one else. She calmed enough to say, “Don’t stop.”
It was all the encouragement he needed and he was again moving inside her. His smell and touch filled her senses and as her pain lessened the friction began to, again, stimulate her body. She could feel herself building toward something and she ground her body closer to his, moving with him, wanting more. The feelings inside her became so intense that she cried out and felt herself tumbling over the edge of her lust.
Eric let out a groan, his body shaking with his release. Lily clung to him, not wanting the moment to end. He wrapped his arms even tighter around her and shifted them both so that they were lying on their sides facing each other. He snuggled her into him and nuzzled her neck.
“I...I wasn’t expecting that.” Lily laughed softly.
“Which part?” He smiled into her neck.
“All of it but I guess the end the most.” He laughed and kissed her lips.
“I wasn’t either.” Eric kissed the tip of Lily’s nose.
“But what do you mean, you were married, I am sure there were many other...”
Eric interrupted her.
“This was special, you are special.” Eric looked into her eyes.
“Oh,” Lily felt herself blushing deeply. “What makes it special for you?” she couldn’t help but ask.
His gaze was full of warmth, “Well, I have never been with a virgin before...” She gasped and he nodded. “Caitlin, although she told me that she was, was not. It wouldn’t have mattered to me. It is a person’s actions after marriage that are important to me but as most of society doesn’t agree, she felt the need to lie.”
She nodded. She hadn’t given it a great deal of thought, as a woman she had always assumed she would wait until marriage. It hadn’t worked out that way but she knew Eric would make an honest woman of her soon enough.
“But, I don’t know that I have ever wanted a woman as much as I have wanted you. It has been...difficult.” Eric smiled ruefully.
Lily felt her jaw drop. “What?” Was all she could think to say then she recovered herself, “You have not wanted to court me all season. How could that be true?”
Eric chuckled and nuzzled into her neck. “You smell like lilacs or roses. Not too sweet, intoxicating.” He stopped to nuzzle her ear. “I dream about it.”
She giggled and pushed him away slightly. “What are you talking about?”
Eric sighed. “I should have told you about this before but there hasn’t been time. I promised you that I would tell you about my first marriage.”
Lily bit her lip. She had been so curious about his first marriage but now that he was offering the information, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. What if he told her how much he still loved his first wife? What if he said something that implicated him in her death?
“Caitlin was larger than life. When I first met her, I had been in society for several years and I admit, I was bored. She was a breath of fresh air. Funny, smart, beautiful and extremely exciting.” He paused. Lily had stopped looking at him and was now staring off into the darkness, it was as painful as she feared.
He lifted her chin and kissed her lips. “Just listen. We had a whirlwind romance and were quickly engaged. My mother hated her, but I had expected that. My mother is extremely practical. The first year of our marriage was as exciting as our courtship had been. We attended parties, balls, social engagements of every kind. I, however, started to grow tired of the late nights. I had been neglecting my business and I began to wish for a quieter life. For a while, I convinced Caitlin to stay in with me. Read, talk, and spend some time really getting to know each other. What I found out was that Caitlin was not well suited for that kind of life. She did not share many of my interests and seemed only to come to life when surrounded by a crowd. She was discontent, even angry with me. I tried to strike a balance with her but I never seemed to do enough. Then, she became pregnant. She was furious at first. This was not the life she wanted, tied to the home by a young child. I was stunned, why had we gotten married if not to eventually have a family?” Eric stopped. Now he was staring off into the distance. Lily wrapped her arms around him tighter, wanting to comfort him.
His hand traveled down her back, holding her closer. “I think we made the right decision having this conversation without clothes.” He kissed her eyes, then her lips as she gasped and swatted at him. “Anyway. I didn’t know what to do. We seemed to want such disparate things from life. I told myself we would have the baby and then figure things out. Ca
itlin grew more and more resentful as the pregnancy progressed and the gap between us widened. When Toby was born, she wanted nothing to do with him. Once she had recovered, she begged me to take her out, bring her places. At first I relented, wanting to make her happy, but I had a business to run and a child to take care of. She started going out more and more alone and then not coming home at all. I had long since realized that I had made a mistake marrying Caitlin. A marriage is not built on excitement alone. The rumors started then, of affairs. Before Toby, I would have thrown her out without a second thought but I wanted my son to know his mother. Finally, one night when she came home, I issued an ultimatum. She was to cease the affairs and stay at home or our marriage was over. She agreed and for a time we were more stable.” He kissed Lily again and smiled. “Then, something happened.”
“What?” Lily was totally transfixed.
He smiled at her. “I met this beautiful honey-haired girl.”
She stared at him. He couldn’t mean their first meeting? “You’re not talking about me?”
“I am. I remember meeting you for the first time, you were just a girl. It must have been your first season.” She nodded. “Even then you smelled amazing. And those eyes stared at me, so beautiful and innocent. My reaction to you was written all over my face. Caitlin was furious. We fought horribly. I had done nothing, but she knew that you were not a girl who I would have a brief affair with but would marry. She thought I was going to replace her. I told her I had no intention of doing anything of the sort but she felt betrayed anyway. She left shortly after that and started an affair with Colonel Kingsley.”
Lily gasped. Caitlin had had an affair with the Colonel. Eric rubbed her cheek and continued. “She wanted to punish me. Kingsley had tried to bully me into doing business with him. He wasn’t successful and he was angry at me. Still is, I believe. He is a man who is used to getting his way. Caitlin thought he was the best choice for her affair. Our marriage was over in every way but in the eyes of the law. She became the Colonel’s ward. She had little or no money of her own. I’m not proud of cutting her loose but I couldn’t continue to support her when she lived with another man.”