Murder & Mayhem in Goose Pimple Junction

by Amy Metz

  “Jack?” She could have sworn she saw one of his eyes open when she changed positions. Then she noticed something different about his face. It wasn’t as slack as it had been. In fact, he looked like he was trying not to smile.

  “Oh for Pete’s sake,” she said, crossing her arms. “Give it up, Jackson. I know you’ve come-to. I saw your eyelid open.”

  Slowly, he opened his eyes, still trying not to smile.

  “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

  “Honey, I’ve been dreamin’ about you runnin’ your hands over my body and unbuttonin’ your shirt for weeks. I wasn’t about to stop you.”

  “Luckily for you, Bub, the ambulance is pulling up, and here comes a police car, too, or I might have added to your injuries.” Then her tone softened, and she looked at him with concern. “Are you okay?”

  “I think so. And I wasn’t playing possum for that long. I just couldn’t resist enjoyin’ your TLC for a few minutes longer.”

  “You’re incorrigible!” she sighed, smiling and shaking her head at him.

  Police officer Skeeter Duke took her statement, while an EMS technician named Nosmo King Brown examined Jack. Tess saw the mayor talking to one of the other police officers. Buck was in running shorts and looked hot and sweaty, like he was in the midst of another one of his jogs.

  “So neither of you can offer any information on the assailant?” Skeeter asked.

  “I’m afraid not,” Tess said. “It happened so fast, and the culprit blindsided us from behind. He was gone before I could look up. Jack was knocked out right away, so I know he couldn’t have seen a thing.”

  Both Skeeter and Nosmo King got into their vehicles to finish writing up their reports. Tess tried to bite her tongue, but she had to ask.

  “Nosmo King?” She leaned into Jack, whispering out of the side of her mouth.

  “Yep. His mother, Zinnia, couldn’t think of a name for him, and when she was in labor she looked up and saw a ‘No Smoking’ sign. She liked it, and the rest is history. He has a sister named Placentia. Zinnia heard the word ‘placenta’ in the delivery room and took to it. I suppose it could be worse.”

  She nodded. “News sure does travel fast around here.” Tess looked at the crowd that had developed.

  “Oh yeah, especially news of a crime, since it’s such a rare occurrence around here,” Jack said, holding a wet towel to his head.

  “And here comes Louetta, Martha Maye, Butterbean, and Henry Clay. Look how fast that eighty-year-old woman can move.” Tess waved to them.

  “Tessie! Lands sakes, what happened, honey?” Lou ran up to Tess and Jack, who were sitting on the back of the ambulance.

  “I’m not really sure—” Tess began.

  “Lou, it happened faster ‘n a knife fight in a phone booth. One minute I was walkin’ down the sidewalk and the next I was layin’ on the ground like road-kill, with an angel leanin’ over me.” He winked at Tess.

  “Jackson, you look like you was inside the outhouse when lightnin’ struck. You poor baby! Are you all right?”

  “Do y’all have any ideal who it was?” Martha Maye asked.

  “No idee-a,” Jack said, enunciating the word. Martha Maye didn’t seem to notice.

  Lou looked around at the group of people who had gathered out of curiosity, to gawk, or to offer help. She saw Buck over by the police cruiser talking to Skeeter’s partner and she grunted. “May’r Buck. What’s he doin’ hare? He’s about as useful as buttons on a dishrag.”

  “Mama, quit bein’ ugly,” Martha Maye whispered. “’Y’all have ta ‘scuse Mama, she’s all worked up on account she thinks the Mayor’s all fer the Barnes and Noble Bookstore chain to come in to the new shoppin’ center over on Route 42. It’ll put her outta business for sure.”

  “Aw, he says he’s fightin’ it, but did he fight the MacDonalds when they wanted in?” she said, with an emphasis on Mac. “His big mouth overloaded his butt. That’s his problem.”

  Jack whispered to Tess, “Means he talks a lot, but doesn’t do anything.”

  “Mama!” Butterbean said, tugging on her mother’s arm.

  “And if that ain't true, grits ain't groceries, eggs ain't poultry, and Mona Lisa was a man.” Lou crossed her arms and glared at the mayor even though he was oblivious. He was animatedly talking to a group of people.

  “Mama!” Butterbean pulled on her mother’s arm again. “Granny said ‘butt’!”

  “I know, honey..She’s sorry.” She shot her mother a look. “All right. This isn’t a place for youngins. I’m glad y’all are okay. I’ll be takin’ Butterbean home now. I’ll bring y’all a cake tomorrow. Henry Clay, you comin’?”

  “Thanks for coming to check on us, Martha Maye and Henry Clay,” Tess said. “Lou, you should go on, too. We’re about done here, and they’re going to take Jack to the hospital for observation . . . “

  “Oh no, they are not!” Jack was emphatic. “I’m fine. I just have a little headache. And I’m not goin’ to any hospital.”

  The two women tried to convince Jack to go to the emergency room only for a little while, but his mind was made up. He signed a release, while Nosmo King stood shaking his head.

  Skeeter motioned toward his car. “Come on, y’all, load up, and I’ll drive ya home.”

  “Tess, can you get in?” Jack asked, as they approached her house.

  “Yes, I keep a spare key hidden in the garage, in case I ever lock myself out. Thank you for the ride, Skeeter. Lou, take care of him, now, okay?” Tess shot a worried look at Jack.

  “Honey, he’s in good hands,” Lou crooned.

  Jack clutched the door, pleading teasingly, “Don’t leave me with this woman! She’ll eat me alive!”

  After Skeeter dropped them off, Lou fussed over Jack until he gently, but firmly, made her go home. Then he sat on the couch with his basset hound, absentmindedly scratching her ears, as she sat next to him in near nirvana.

  Suddenly, he bolted up from the couch so fast he sent the dog into a barking frenzy. He turned off all the lights, to make it appear to Lou as if he had gone to bed. He knew she’d be watching. He went to the linen closet, pulled out a fresh pillowcase and stuffed it in his back pocket, as best he could.

  He attached the leash. “C’mon girl, let’s go for a walk. And be quiet! We can’t let Lou know we’re leavin’.”

  You Got Your Stupid Head On Today?

  ‘roundcheer: adverb round-cheer around here

  We didn’t have any trouble ‘roundcheer till you came.

  [ 1937 ]

  Trevor Hobb ran down the embankment from his sister-in-law’s house, splashing through the water of Duckbill Creek. He followed it for a short distance, trying to get back to his home. Breathing heavily, he started up a hill and heard the voices of several men. Startled, nervous, and sure they were looking for him, he lost his footing and fell down the incline several feet. He laid flat against the hillside, listening for the men. Sensing they weren’t very near, he crawled to the hilltop and peeked over the edge and around a tree. There were at least a dozen men. Some had shotguns, others had pieces of wood, tire irons, baseball bats, or clubs. Word had spread fast. They knew what he’d done, and they were on his tail. He scrambled back down the hill, slipping and sliding to the creek, splashing through and to the other side. He ran for about a mile, and then climbed a hill to Chester Ward’s home. Out of breath, wheezing, and gasping for air, he banged on the door.

  “Chester, I need to use yer phone.” Trevor talked around great gulps of air.

  “Sure, Trevor. What’s wrong?”

  “I just need to use the phone.”

  Chester led him into the house, and Trevor put the murder weapon on a table as he passed it. He immediately called Luke Blair, an employee at the First National Bank.

  “Luke, this here’s Trevor. I need yer hep. The posse’s after me, and they’re out for blood. I don’t want to die, or get beaten. I’ll turn myself in if you’ll call Bug and tell him I’m at Chester’s,
and that I’ll surrender peacefully. I don’t want to be harmed.”

  “Good Lord, Trevor, it’s you the whole town is up in arms over?”

  “I did what I had ta do. Will ya call Bug? Tell him where I’m at.” He listened a moment, then said, “Yeah, Chester’s house.” He hung up and collapsed into a chair, head in his hands.

  Chester said, “You’re in a heap a trubba, huh?” Trevor didn’t answer. Chester left him alone and went to the window to watch for the police car.

  “Trevor, they’re here,” he said five minutes later. “Go peacefully, just like you said, now, ya hear?”

  Trevor nodded, stood up, and walked to the door, as Bug and his deputy got out of the car. He walked outside with his hands high above his head. “It’s on the table over yonder.” He motioned with his head toward the house. Both men knew he was referring to the murder weapon.

  The deputy went for the gun, and examined it. He came out of the house and reported, “Two of the four cartridges have been fired.”

  Bug patted Trevor down, put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out a handful of shells for the gun.

  “You made a wise choice in comin’ in peacefully, Trevor.” Bug handcuffed him. “You’re in a heap a trubba already. Come on, let’s head fer yer new home.”

  [ July 2010 ]

  Tess had just gotten out of the shower and put on a camisole and pj bottoms when her doorbell rang. Frightened over who was at the door, she quickly grabbed her Louisville Slugger and crept down the stairs. She’d turned all of the downstairs lights off earlier except for the one over the kitchen sink and the front porch light. Peeking around the wall and looking through the big glass panes that were inset in the double wooden front doors, her heart beat fast. Seeing Jack standing on the front porch, she took a deep breath.

  “Jack,” she said, opening the door, oblivious to how little she had on. “What are you doing here? Are you all right?”

  “I wanted to make sure you're all right.”

  Tess noticed Jack’s Adam’s apple wiggle up and down as he looked at her. Her pj bottoms hung low on her hips and her camisole clung tightly to her torso, showing every curve she had. She was briefly self-conscious, but her attention was soon diverted when she stood aside to let him come into the house, and she saw his companion.

  “I'm fine. And who is this?” She was delighted to see the dog.

  “Esmerelda, meet Tess. Tess, this is Esmerelda, or Ezzie, for short. I hope you don’t mind that I brought her. I didn’t want to leave her alone all night.”

  “Esmerelda!” Tess said under her breath, as she bent to pet the basset. “She’s a dog!”

  “Of course she’s a dog. What did you think she was—a pot-bellied pig?”

  She looked up at him, surprised at the sharp sarcasm in his voice.

  “Sorry.” He rubbed his head. “Headache.”

  Tess finally realized what Jack had said when he came in. “All night? What are you talking about? What’s going on?”

  “You didn’t call a locksmith yet, did you,” he stated, more than asked.

  “Well . . . no . . . it’s late. I thought I’d call in the morning.”

  “I figured as much. I can’t let you stay here all night alone, knowing that someone has your keys and could easily get into your house. You did cancel all of your credit cards though, didn’t you?”

  “Of course, but Jack . . . “

  “And,” he held up a finger to silence her. “You’d be doing me a favor, too. Nosmo King said it would be best if someone were with me for the next eight hours, because of my head injury, so we can be of mutual benefit to each other.”

  “But . . . “

  “And,” he held up another finger, “I’ll sleep on the couch. And I brought my own pillow case,” he pulled it out of his back pocket, “so I won’t get blood on yours.”

  “Jack . . . “

  “And,” he held his whole hand up this time, “I promise I’ll be a total gentleman. Frankly, I’m too worn out, and my head hurts too much to make a pass tonight.” He noticed the bat in her hand and added, “Besides, you’re armed and dangerous.”

  * * *

  The next morning before Tess opened her eyes, she had a vague sense of somebody on her bed. As she slowly awakened, she felt something, or someone, pressed up against her rear. Her eyes flew open. She slowly twisted her head to see who was in her room. On her bed.

  Esmerelda.

  Tess had been sleeping curled in an S shape, and she woke up with Esmerelda snuggled into the bottom part of the S—right behind her thighs and up against her butt.

  “How’d you get up here?” She reached out to pet Ezzie’s velvety ears and turned over so she could snuggle up against her. The dog rewarded her by moving to the head of the bed and planting kisses on Tess’s face.

  “You’re a stealthy little thing, aren’t you?” Ezzie’s tail thumped against the bed. “Either that, or I was out cold.” She snuggled up to her, realizing how much she missed having a dog. “So you’re the Esmerelda Jack’s been reading to.” Ezzie looked back at her innocently, with sad basset hound eyes. “That’s what I get for assuming, huh?”

  After Tess got dressed, she went downstairs and found Jack sitting up on the edge of the couch, elbows propped on his thighs, his head in his hands. He’d already folded up the blankets and sheet and stacked them neatly on the pillow.

  “Morning, Jack. How are you feeling?”

  “Hmph.” He gave kind of a snort. “I’d have to feel better to die.”

  “Do you want me to take you to the doctor?” She sat down beside him, while Ezzie sat at his feet, nudging him with her nose for attention.

  “Naw, I’ll be all right.” He rubbed Ezzie’s ears and ran his other hand over his forehead. “I could use somethin’ for this headache, though.”

  “Coming right up.” She moved quickly toward the kitchen, returning with ibuprofen tablets and some orange juice.

  “Are you okay, Tess?” He popped the tablets in his mouth and took a long drink of the juice.

  “I think so. My hands hurt like the devil, but I'm mostly unnerved about the attack . It was terrifying.” She put her hands to her face. “That sound of your head being hit—I can’t get it out of my mind. How are you?”

  “I'm unnerved that all of this is happening to you. And the fact that they're amping it up to violence. I'm worried about you.”

  “Let's talk about it some more after breakfast. I have a four-cup coffee pot, so I could make you some coffee, or some hot tea.”

  “Thanks, coffee would be really great, if it’s not too much trouble.”

  “No trouble. Would you like to take a shower? It might make you feel better. I put some fresh towels in the bathroom; you could shower while I make some breakfast.”

  “Maybe that would be a good idea.” Holding his head, he grimaced as he stood up.

  The house was filled with the aroma of bacon and coffee filling the house by the time Jack finished his shower.

  “I followed the wonderful smells and the sound of your voice to the kitchen.” Jack came into the room, brushing his wet hair back with his fingers.

  She handed him a mug of coffee. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

  He took a sip, and pointed to the mug. “Honey, this is great coffee!”

  She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Who were you talking to?”

  She blushed. “Esmerelda. She was telling me all of your secrets.”

  “Ezzie, you traitor!” Jack sat down, taking Ezzie’s face into his hands. “You women always stick together.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t get much out of her.”

  Tess set a plate of scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon down in front of Jack just as the doorbell rang. “That’s probably the locksmith. I called him while you were in the shower. I didn’t expect him here so soon, though.”

  She went to the door, but instead of the locksmith, she brought John Ed back to the kitchen with
her. The chief was a big man with a beer belly hanging over his belt. Baggy pants were held up with a big buckle shaped like a pistol. His bottom teeth jutted out in front of his front teeth, and he had big ruddy cheeks and dark eyes. He reminded Tess of a bulldog.

  “I’s lookin’ fer ya, Jack. Didn’t know you two had dinner before sayin’ grace.” John Ed stood in the doorway looking at Jack with a smirk on his face.

  Jack started to translate for Tess, but she stopped him with a hand up. “Thanks, but I’ve got that one.”

  Jack scowled at the chief. “We haven’t been, John Ed. I came by to make sure Tess was all right, and she invited me for breakfast. Not that it’s any of your damn business.”

  “Well, I wanted to talk to ya both anyway, might as well be together. I got the straight and skinny from Skeeter when I went in this mornin’. Sorry I missed all the commotion last night. You hurt bad?”

  “We’re fine,” Jack said through clinched teeth.

  “’Sides checkin’ on ya both, I wonted to see if either a y’all could fill me in on why Mizz Tess here,” he nodded in Tess’s direction, “keeps gettin’ into mayhem.”

  “I don’t reckon we can help you, John Ed. Tess is the victim here, why aren’t you out findin’ who did this, instead a harrassin’ her?”

  “Got any enemies, Tess? Owe any money? Witness to a crime somebody dudn’t wont ya rememberin’? Anythin’ goin’ on in yer life I shouldoughtta know ‘bout? Involvement with the mob?”