Only Love Can Break Your Heart

by Katherine Webber

  I’m still in my gold dress because I didn’t bring a change of clothes. I wrap my arms around myself as I wait for Seth. He’s talking to Libby and a few of the other girls.

  “Rei!” It’s Zach Garcia. “Do you need a ride?”

  I shake my head. “I’m all right. I’ve got my car. Seth and I will meet you guys there.” My parents have already left with Koji.

  Seth looks up at his name but then turns away from me. For a minute, I think he’s going to leave with Libby, but then he smiles and shrugs and starts walking toward my car in the parking lot, leaving me to scamper after him.

  We get into my car in silence. It isn’t like the silences I’m used to with Seth. The good, comfortable kind. It’s heavy. A silence that doesn’t want to be broken.

  I put the keys in the ignition and start to drive toward In-N-Out. My phone is beeping like crazy with people texting me congratulations and telling me to meet them.

  “I’m tired,” Seth says abruptly, as I change lanes.

  “It’s not even eleven,” I say.

  “Look, I’m not really up for In-N-Out. Can you take me home?”

  I thought I didn’t like the silence, but I miss it now. His words are worse. I ignore him and drive on toward In-N-Out.

  “Reiko? Did you hear me?”

  “Come on,” I say. “I haven’t had dinner. I want a burger.” I don’t really, but I like the idea of sweeping into the restaurant in my gold dress. Like the old Reiko would. It feels empty now. Seth is ruining this moment for me. It’s making me realize that winning homecoming queen hasn’t changed anything. Mika’s still gone. No matter what I do, I can’t ever make up for her not being here.

  “No. I don’t want to go,” he says, his voice so sharp I’m surprised I’m not bleeding.

  “Do you … want to go somewhere else?” Maybe he is feeling uncomfortable with my group of friends. Maybe he wants it to be just us, the way it used to be. “We could go out in the desert. Like we used to.”

  “If I don’t even want to go to In-N-Out, why would I want to go out in the desert?” he says. I’ve never heard him sound so scornful. It doesn’t suit him.

  “Okaaaay,” I say. “It was just an idea.”

  “Reiko, I’ve already told you, I just want to go home. Please take me home.”

  When we get to his house, he doesn’t even kiss me on the cheek. “Good night, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for the ride.” Like this was just a friendly carpool.

  “Good night,” I say, but he’s already slammed the car door, leaving me alone.

  I drive back to In-N-Out so fast I’m surprised I’m not pulled over. Before I go inside, I look at myself in the mirror and repeat my mantra: I’m Reiko Smith-Mori. Everything is good, nothing is wrong. I glide inside just as my friends are sitting down at a booth to eat and, ignoring the whispers and the glances, I order two burgers, a chocolate shake, and French fries all for myself.

  CHAPTER 40

  In the morning, I call Seth to confirm the logistics for the day. I act like nothing is wrong − not like last night he hadn’t wanted anything to do with me, and not like I have realized that being homecoming queen is a hollow victory. It might have made my mom smile last night, but my plastic crown can’t fill the holes inside of me.

  Seth’s got his mom’s car tonight, and even though I’d rather be in the driver’s seat, I’m going to let him drive because I know how rare it is for him to get to use the car.

  “Everyone is getting to my house at five for pictures and then onto Morton’s for dinner at seven and we’ll get to the dance by nine,” I say.

  “I saw the schedule you emailed out,” he says, and I don’t miss the smirk in his voice.

  “You know how I like a plan.” I try to keep my voice, and the moment, light.

  “Reiko the planner,” he says, and the scorn slides through the phone like oil.

  I shake my head, like I can shake it off. “I’ve got to go. I’m late for my nail appointment. I’ll see you tonight.”

  I hang up before he can say anything else, taking what little control I have left, like a horse rider gathering the reins close. It is all an illusion, though. Sure, you might be holding the reins tight, but at the end of the day, that horse can throw you any damn time it wants.

  I spend the day driving from one appointment to the next. It all seems a bit silly, but I still want to be beautiful. I have to be beautiful. Nails, hair, make-up. I’m just pulling on my black dress for the dance (it’s much shorter and tighter than the dress I wore last night) when my friends arrive at my house. I hear my dad greeting them at the door. My mom isn’t here. She’s gone to take pictures of Koji. It’s his first homecoming and he’s going with a girl called Maggie. His friends are taking pictures at her house.

  Mika wanders into my room, smacking on bubblegum.

  “Help me zip this?” I say, turning so she can tug up the zipper.

  “It’s stuck,” she says. “I can’t get it up.”

  I take a deep breath. “Try again.”

  “Still stuck. It isn’t you, it’s the zipper.”

  “I’ll get someone else to do it.” I step away from her. “What are you doing tonight?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “I’m just going to read. Maybe watch a movie if Dad wants to.” I’ve seen her sitting next to Dad when he watches a movie, laughing when he laughs.

  He never sees her, though.

  “I wish I was going to homecoming instead.” Her eyes are wistful. “I never got to go.”

  “I wish you were going too.”

  “It’s OK,” she says, even though it’s not OK and it never will be. “You just have to have an extra good time for me, all right?”

  I squeeze her hand. “I can do that.” And I will. For Mika, I’ll do anything. I’ll have more fun than anyone has ever had at a dance.

  Even if my boyfriend is being an ass.

  “Reiko! Your friends are here!” my dad shouts from downstairs.

  “I’ll be down in a second!” I yell back. I go to the top of our bannister and spy Dre. “Dre! Come here!”

  Dre zips up my dress no problem, and while she does, Mika disappears.

  “Let’s go, babe,” Dre says. “Everyone is waiting for us downstairs to take pictures.”

  My dad has laid out platters of snacks and jugs of water. “Must keep hydrated!” he says, and some of the guys laugh, but it isn’t at my dad – it’s because we’re going back to Peter’s after the dance and everyone will be drinking there. And we won’t be drinking water. Seth is standing with Michael, and he’s so stiff. He looks nervous. It must be because this is his first time going to a dance. I try to hold his hand, but he pulls away, and goes to talk to Peter.

  I want to remind him that Peter was the guy who made Seth’s life a living hell in middle school. But here they are, in my house, in my entryway, talking and fist-bumping, and you’d never guess that one boy used to make the other one cry.

  I wonder how Seth can be so forgiving of Peter, but not of me.

  “This must be Seth,” says my dad. “Nice to meet you, young man.” He knows all the other guys, has known them for years.

  “Nice to meet you too, Mr. Smith-Mori,” Seth says.

  “Please, call me Ken.” My dad’s tone is polite, but his eyes are sharp. I can tell he’s assessing Seth, trying to see what it is about this boy that has me so interested. I don’t even know if I could tell him that. I don’t even know if I know that.

  “Girls pic!” Libby shrieks, and Dre, Megan, and I dutifully go and line up on the stairs, one hand on the railing, and smile.

  “Get one of me and Rei,” Dre says, pulling me to the side.

  My dad grins at us and snaps away. His favorite camera is swung around his neck and he looks at the viewing screen every few minutes to see what pictures he’s taken. “You all look beautiful!” Then he looks up at me. “Reiko, I haven’t gotten any pictures of you and Seth. What about out by the pool? The lighting is so nice now.”


  We break away from the group and follow my dad outside. My heart feels like it’s on a yo-yo, up and down and up and down and up and down.

  “Reiko, you stand here, and Seth, like this, arm around her waist. Ah! Perfect! Smile at me!”

  I can always smile on command, so I do. I wonder what Seth is doing with his face.

  “Now, look at each other, ah, yes, this is excellent!”

  The camera clicks and clicks and then my dad coughs. “Seth, try … try to … loosen up a bit? Your face looks a little stiff. Here, how about you take a few pictures of me and my beautiful Reiko?”

  Seth steps away from me and takes the camera from my dad.

  My dad loops an arm through mine and beams. “This is how you smile when you are next to a beautiful girl, Seth. Like this!”

  “You guys look great,” Seth says from behind the camera. And he sounds sincere. It is the first time he’s complimented me in a long time.

  “Now you two again,” my dad says. “Just a few more. Reiko, I know you will be happy to have these. I wish I had more pictures from when I was in high school.”

  I don’t know if Seth manages to smile or not in those last few photos. If he doesn’t, my dad doesn’t say anything.

  “OK, everybody! One last group shot!” Andrea is shouting over her shoulder as she comes outside, the rest of our group snaking behind her like a conga line.

  We all squeeze together, girls in the front, dates behind them, and all I can think about is the fact that somehow Seth is managing to not touch me at all.

  CHAPTER 41

  The dance itself is in a big ballroom in a conference center that’s been dolled up as much as we have. Security guards pat everyone down as we go in. Peter gets stopped and our vice principal personally smells his breath. We’re not that dumb, though. Our school has a zero-tolerance policy on alcohol, which means one strike and you’re out. It isn’t worth the risk. We can drink later at Peter’s house.

  As soon as we get inside, we line up to take our professional pictures, because even though we’ve just spent over an hour taking pictures at my house, we still need the professional ones. Couple pictures, group pictures. Dre and Zach do a joke pose, and it’s hilarious, and I wish that Seth and I could take a jokey photo too, but instead, we stand in the standard “prom pose” with him behind me, arms around my waist. I try to snuggle up to him, but it’s like he’s a mannequin.

  After that we follow the pulsing, pumping sound of the music to the huge hall where the DJ is. It’s dark in here and the flashing colored lights turn us red and blue and green and back again. I don’t know why we bothered getting so dolled up. Maybe this is why we spend so much time on pictures.

  Being in the middle of so many bumping, grinding, shaking, shoving, sweating people sends me back to Morongo. I reach out for Dre, needing a friend, but she’s dancing with Zach, really dancing with him, like she’s in a music video or something, and so instead, I spin away and luckily Megan is right behind me so we start dancing together, shimmying and shaking and throwing our hair over our shoulders and dipping and dropping and I’ve got a smile plastered on my face and I’m laughing really hard, like I’m having

  so

  much

  fun.

  I keep looking for Seth, and I can’t find him, so I keep dancing with Megan until Peter starts dancing with her and then it is just me.

  Dancing by myself.

  I do what I always do when I’m anxious. When I’m scared. I take all that anxiety and I light it on fire inside of me. I turn it into fuel.

  After a while, I go up to Dre and Zach and start dancing with them, and Dre doesn’t mind, because it’s just Zach and we’ve all known each other for years. It isn’t like they’re together or anything just because she’s his date tonight. The three of us are dancing and Zach has his hand up and he’s shouting, “Rei-Dre sandwich! Rei-Dre sandwich!” and Dre and I are giggling.

  We’re not trying to look sexy anymore; we’re just jumping around and shaking our asses and yelling the lyrics of the song. Dre’s hair is plastered to her scalp and her eyeliner is smudged and I can feel my armpits getting damp, but it doesn’t matter because we are having

  so

  much

  fun.

  But then Dre’s face changes and she leans toward me, and it is like it is in slow motion and she has to shout to be heard and she says, “Do you see Seth and Libby?”

  And I turn, slowly, like the way they do in horror movies, and right behind us are Seth and Libby. Dancing.

  No, Seth’s not dancing. Libby is dancing on him. And he’s looking at her in a way that I didn’t think he could look at anyone other than me, and where the hell is her date? I can’t even remember who she came with. All I can think about is the expression on Seth’s face, and it’s like I’ve just swallowed a bad piece of fish. I think I’m going to be sick.

  I can’t stop staring at them in the flashing lights. They go red and blue and green and back again. And every time Seth’s face is lit up, he’s still looking at Libby the way he used to look at me and I wonder if it was never about me for him. If I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. If Libby had turned up that night at his house asking to borrow his notes, or Dre, or any pretty, popular girl, would he have fallen for them instead?

  “Reiko!” Dre is tugging at my arm. “Come on! Let’s get some air.”

  “I don’t need air,” I say, yanking my arm away from her.

  Dre and Zach have stopped dancing, and their stillness makes them look like little islands in the middle of a sea of movement.

  My little islands.

  I swim to them.

  To safety. And they pick me up and we keep dancing.

  Finally, Libby disappears to somewhere else on the dance floor. I slide up to Seth. I know my hair is dance-tangled and my false lashes are crooked and I’m sweaty, but it shouldn’t matter because it’s Seth and it’s me.

  “Hey!” I take his hands, and mock swing dance. “Where have you been all night?” Like I haven’t seen him and Libby.

  He gamely spins me around. But he won’t make eye contact with me.

  “Where have you been?” he tosses back.

  And that taste of bad fish comes back because I realize he isn’t pretending. He doesn’t know where I’ve been all night and he doesn’t care.

  “I’ve been dancing!” I say, forcing a smile and twirling in front of him. Then I lean in. My lips brush his earlobe, his cheek, and his jaw. “Remember when we danced in the desert? With the stars?” I want to bring him back to me.

  He pulls away. “I never danced, it was just you dancing, and all I ever did was chase you.” His voice is quiet, but his stare is loud.

  And I’m crumbling. Was that what it was? How could we have both been so wrong about what was happening between us?

  The song ends and the DJ announces that this is the last one, and it’s something cheesy, the kind of song that makes everyone throw their arms around each other’s shoulders and sway back and forth, and I get swept up in it. Seth is on one side of me, his arm heavy on my shoulders, and Dre is on my other side. Zach is next to her. Dre looks so happy − everyone looks so happy − and we are young and this is our last homecoming, so I try to be happy too. I don’t want to miss this moment – I know I won’t get it again – so I smile smile smile and I sing along with everyone until the song ends and the lights come on.

  CHAPTER 42

  Everyone is going back to Peter’s house. We filter out into the night, our hair tangled, dresses sweat-stained, make-up smeared, ties loosened, heels off.

  “See you at Peter’s!” Dre calls out, looping her arm through Zach’s.

  “See ya,” I yell back as I get into Seth’s mom’s car.

  I know Libby will be at Peter’s too and I’m dreading it. It’s easy enough to ignore, or at least pretend to ignore, your boyfriend dancing with someone else in the dark. It’s harder to ignore it when it is happening right next to you.
>
  I don’t realize that my breaths are coming in and out in and out in and out faster and shallower than normal until Seth turns to me.

  “Reiko, are you all right?” he says, and there is real tenderness in his voice. Real tenderness that I haven’t heard in weeks. Tenderness that I was starting to think I’d imagined.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. “Tonight was fun, yeah?”

  He nods. “Yeah, it was.” He’s drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

  “Do you know how to get to Peter’s?” I ask.

  “I don’t know if I’m up for going to Peter’s place,” he says, just as I realize that we’re driving back in the direction of my house.

  “Oh,” I say. “I thought you two were getting along fine.”

  Seth lets out a sharp bark of a laugh. “That’s not why I don’t want to go to Peter’s.”

  “Do you … do you want to go somewhere else? We could hang out? You could come over. My parents won’t mind.” What I mean is that my parents will be asleep.

  He gives me a tight smile, one that is so different to his big goofy grin that always makes me smile in return.

  “I don’t think so, Reiko,” he says, and there is so much gentleness in his tone that it slips into something else. Into pity.

  And then I know.

  “Pull over, Seth,” I say, and he does what I ask. Like he always used to. “What … what’s going on? With us? I thought…” I swallow hard. “I thought you wanted us to be together? That’s what you said up on the Ferris wheel.”

  “That was before,” he says. He’s looking away from me, just like he did up on the Ferris wheel when he told me how he felt about me.

  “Before?”

  “Before you kissed that guy at Morongo.”

  “I don’t think that’s what you mean,” I say. “Or at least, that’s not all of it.”

  “Oh?”

  “No.” My voice is starting to crack, but I don’t have any control over it, just like I don’t have any control over the words that are pouring out of me. “You mean that it was before you had friends. Before you had girls interested in you. No use for me now, right?”