by Mercy Amare
“I’m dating Brian. I am happy with Brian.”
“You’re dating your pool boy. Wouldn’t you rather date somebody who makes more than minimum wage?”
I stop walking and look at Ty. “Ty Newman, you and I will never happen. Even if Brian and I weren’t together I still wouldn’t. I don’t like you. I will never like you. You cheated on me. And talking bad about my boyfriend definitely isn’t helping your cause. Now please, leave me alone.”
“How easy it was for you to jump from me to Gabe to your pool boy,” Ty says. “Maybe I should be glad that things ended with us when they did. You obviously aren’t good with commitment. I bet as soon as this new boyfriend says those three little words, you’ll be gone.”
I turn to him, trying to hide the shock on my face. “How do you know he hasn’t said it yet?”
“I didn’t. But now I do,” he says. “Besides, that is why you run, right? Love scares you. You don’t stay with a guy long enough to truly fall in love with them. Three months is your limit. Pretty sure your current relationship is about to expire.”
“You don’t know anything,” I tell Ty.
“I think I know you better than you know yourself.”
“We were together three months. I’m pretty sure you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
“I guess we’ll see. Goodbye, Kihanna.” Ty turns and walks the other way as the bell rings.
Ty Newman sucks.
12pm
What if.
I slam my locker door harder than necessary, and the sound echoes through the hallway. Most people are already in the lunchroom, but everybody in the hallway turns to look at me. I mumble an apology, and everybody continues walking.
What Ty said earlier is still getting to me. I kind of hate myself for letting it get to me. He just said it to get under my skin, and he succeeded.
“What did your locker do to you?” Olivia asks me.
“I’m pretending my locker is Ty Newman,” I tell her, and then kick my locker hard enough to put a dent in it.
“Guess those defense classes are working,” she says. “What happened with Ty?”
“Ty was just being… himself.”
“An arrogant pigheaded jerk?”
“Yep,” I say. “I swear, he knows just the right buttons to push. Nobody can piss me off quite like him.”
“What did he say this time?”
“Oh you know… the usual. When am I going to get back with him? How long until I dump your brother? And then of course, he brought up the whole money thing — as if that makes a difference to me. I swear, he is going to drive me crazy.”
“Ty Newman has never wanted something that money can’t buy him,” Olivia says. “I’m so glad you dumped him. Lily wasn’t as smart as you.”
“If I was smart, I never would’ve dated him to begin with.” Okay, maybe that’s not true. In the beginning, Ty was sweet. He opened car doors for me, he brought me flowers, and he was always very nice to me until the end of our relationship. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if he didn’t cheat on me. I wonder if I would’ve had sex with him instead of Gabe. And then when I went to the cabin for Thanksgiving, Gabe and I wouldn’t have fought. I wouldn’t have come home early. Toby would’ve never been shot. And I wouldn’t have the guilt of killing somebody on my conscience. Not that I wouldn’t do it again — I totally would do anything to save Toby. But still, I can’t help but wonder what if.
My life is full of what ifs. I have so many regrets — too many for a seventeen year old. At least my life is on the right track now.
“So tonight, my mom is having a surprise birthday party for Brian,” Olivia tells me.
“His birthday was a week ago…”
“But he spent his actual birthday with you,” she says. “And you know how Mom is… So she wants to throw him a surprise party, and he wants you to come, of course.”
“Of course I’ll be there. How does he know about the surprise party?”
“She throws one every year. He always pretends to be surprised.” Olivia starts walking towards the cafeteria, and I follow her. “I was wondering how things were going for you. Have you gotten any more notes from your stalker?”
This subject is always a sensitive one for her. I know she doesn’t blame me for what happened to Keith on New Year's, but it kind of is my fault. If I wouldn’t have been there, Keith would still be alive. I know she must think that.
Another what if.
“No,” I answer her with a sigh. “Part of me is relieved, because the stress was really getting to me. The other part of me is worried about the silence.”
“Do you have a clue who was doing it?”
She asks me this once a week. I know she wants justice for what happened to Keith. So do I. “No. I wish I knew. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I feel. I mean, I obviously know the person. It has to be somebody in this very school.” We walk into the cafeteria and I look around the room nervously. “The person is probably in this room right now. It kills me not to know.”
“I just hope the police catch them soon.”
“Me too.”
As we sit down at the table, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Brian.
Brian: Today is a long day. I miss you.
Me: I miss you too. I can’t wait to see you tonight. And YES, it has been a long day.
“Are you texting my brother?” Olivia asks.
I nod. “Of course.”
“You have the goofiest smile on your face whenever he texts you,” she says. “You two are so in love it’s disgusting.”
Love. I do feel like I’m falling in love with Brian. I wish I knew he felt the same. “I don’t know if he loves me.”
“Trust me, he does. He is absolutely crazy about you. My brother wants to marry you, and have lots of babies with you. That much is obvious.” She says it without hesitation.
“I’ll be eighteen in like… fifteen days. I am so not old enough to talk about getting married. I’m still in high school. Besides that, don’t you have to tell somebody you love them before you ask them to marry you?”
“He definitely loves you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t want to marry you.” She gives me a duh look. “Oh my God, Kihanna, you’re going to be my sister-in-law.”
“I don’t think he wants to marry me. Not yet anyway.”
Just then a tray goes down beside me. I look over to see Toby take a seat. He has a goofy grin on his face, and I know he heard part of our conversation.
“Marriage, huh?” he asks me. “I told you that you were the marrying kind of girl. I just thought it would be Gabe, though I will admit I’m glad that ship has sailed. Brian is a much better choice. Gabe has kind of gone off the deep end since you two split.”
“Hi to you too, Toby,” I say. I’m curious why he’s sitting by me. He’s never sat by me at lunch before.
“Before you get married, I’d really like a chance to woo you in bed,” he says. “I can’t promise you marriage, but I can promise you the best night of your life.”
I roll my eyes at him. “What do you want, Toby?”
“Nothing,” he answers. “I was just wondering if you were aware of the death glare that Gabe is giving you right now. Everybody else has noticed it besides you. I am just wondering what it’s about. I thought that the both of you had officially moved on.”
I look up to see that Gabe is in fact glaring at me. I quickly look away. “I have no idea. I haven’t talked to him since that day at our house. And I have moved on. I don’t know what his deal is.”
“Okay, well maybe you should talk to him.”
“No way,” Olivia tells Toby. “Kihanna doesn’t need to talk to him. He’s a complete jerk.”
“You just think so because he killed your best friend,” Toby says. “Lily, right?”
Olivia’s face goes red, and I know she’s about two seconds away from kicking Toby’s butt.
“Toby, w
hy don’t you go somewhere else that isn’t here,” I tell him. “We will talk later.”
“Right. I’m staying at your house this weekend, so I guess I’ll see you then, Sis.” Toby gets up and walks away from the table, and I look at Olivia who is literally shaking with anger.
“I’m sorry.” I apologize for Toby. “He’s not very good with… people.”
“I can’t believe he’s your stepbrother.” She frowns. “He’s absolutely horrid.”
“He’s not so bad once you get to know him,” I tell her. “He’s been there for me since day one. I actually miss having him around the house. I’m glad he’s staying the weekend. It gets so lonely around there, especially since my dad is never home.”
“Does Toby really want to have sex with you?” she asks.
“No. He’s joking. He says stuff like that to get a rise out of me. Our relationship is strictly brother-sister. Trust me. I’d never do anything with him.”
“I bet my brother hates him.”
I laugh. Brian doesn’t hate Toby. He’s not Toby’s biggest fan, but he know how much Toby means to me. “You can’t choose your family,” I tell her.
“Well, you sort of can,” she says. “When you marry Brian we will officially be family. And you’re lucky. My family already loves you. I think everybody will be thrilled when the two of you tie the knot.”
Which I don’t understand. Her family knows everything — about my stalker, about my family, and about the night Keith died. They know I’m the reason he died, and yet they still like me. I just don’t get it. But I’m glad they do like me. The feeling is mutual. I love them as if they were my own family. And Olivia is right, someday they will be… hopefully.
“I would be lucky to be a part of your family,” I tell her. “But stop talking about me marrying your brother while we are at school. It’s weird. I’m way too young to think about any of that.”
She laughs. “Fine. But you do know my mom married my dad when she was seventeen. Most people wait until they're older because they are not in love. You’re lucky enough to have found somebody you’re madly in love with at a young age. Don’t let him go because you think you’re too young.”
“One — Brian hasn’t asked me to marry him, so stop jumping to conclusions here. And two — if he really loves me, then he will wait until I’m ready,” I tell her. “I’m not ready now, and I won’t be until that sick freak is behind bars.”
Before I can fully commit to marriage, I have to be free. I probably shouldn’t have started dating Brian, but I just couldn’t help myself.
Olivia’s head drops a little. “I know what you mean. I still can’t look at another guy. Nobody will ever compare to Keith. Sometimes I wonder if he was my one true love. Maybe I won’t find anybody else.”
“That’s not true,” I tell her sadly. “Look at your mom. She found true love — twice. I know you will too.”
She looks away for a minute and then smiles. “I’m glad you and I are friends. I haven’t had a girl best friend since Lily died. It’s kind of nice. And not to sound weird or anything, but you kind of remind me of her in some ways. I mean, you’re nicer than she was. But I think you two would have gotten along.”
“That is weird.” Especially considering I dated both of her ex-boyfriends. “She didn’t date Brian, did she?”
Olivia laughs. “No way. Brian thought she was annoying, but she totally had a crush on him before she started dating Ty and Gabe.”
“I wish I would’ve known you when I first moved here. You could have warned me to stay away from them,” I say. “If only I would have seen you around.”
“I thought about warning you,” she says. “But I knew you could take care of yourself. You are stronger than Lily was.”
“Is it weird to talk about Lily?” I ask her.
“No,” she answers. “She was my best friend. I like talking about her. It makes me feel better.”
“Before Lily died… Did she tell you anything? About her and Ty?” I ask.
Olivia looks at me curiously. “About her and Ty?”
I wonder for a moment if I should tell her, but Olivia was Lily’s best friend. She had to have known. “And a… baby…”
Olivia drops the fry from her hand. “Ty told you about Lily being pregnant?”
I nod.
“Well, she actually wasn’t sure who was the dad,” she says. “It could have been Ty or Gabe.”
“Ty told me it was his baby.”
“Well, Lily wasn’t sure. I went with her to get the pregnancy test. She was mortified by the fact that she was going to have to do a DNA test to see who the father was. I don’t think it would’ve matter who the dad was, both Gabe and Ty would be terrible fathers.”
“Gabe isn’t all that bad,” I tell her. “I mean, he’s not the nicest person since we broke up, but he wasn’t that bad when we dated.”
“The Gabe Johnson that you know is completely different from the Gabe Johnson that I know,” she says. “I used to think that Lily was scared of him.”
“Scared of Gabe?” I ask, because I’m certain I heard her wrong. How could she be scared of him?
“Yeah. But he was a lot different then. Him and Ty both. I think losing her wasn’t something they expected to ever happen. I honestly didn’t think they cared, but I guess they both did.”
“Wow,” I say.
“Yep. The hardest part for Lily was after she got pregnant. Gabe tried to convince her to get an abortion.”
“Wait… Gabe knew?”
“Of course he did,” Olivia says. “She told both Ty and Gabe about it. They were going to do a DNA test pretty soon, because Lily didn’t want an abortion. I think Gabe was hoping that it wasn’t his.”
“I didn’t think he knew. He never told me.”
Why didn’t he tell me?
“Gabe is a liar. It shouldn’t surprise you that he never told you about the baby,” she says. “Deceiving is what he does best.”
The bell rings and we both get up from the table and head to our classes. But in the back of my mind, I think about what she said.
She was scared of him.
Maybe she had a reason to be scared.
I also can’t stop thinking about the baby. Gabe knew all along, and I was worried about him finding out. I wonder if he was relieved when Lily died, because he didn’t want to raise a baby. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
Gabe isn’t who I thought he was.
3pm
Good at leaving.
As I’m walking to my car after school, Ariana Morgan runs to catch up with me. She and I don’t really hang out much anymore, so this isn’t normal for her. I guess I still consider her a friend. She’s nice. But she doesn’t like Olivia for whatever reason, so that kind of put a damper on hanging out.
“Kihanna,” Ariana says. “What’s up?”
“Not much. Just about to go hang out with Brian. He has the afternoon off.”
“You’ve been dating him… what… three months now?”
“Yep.”
“I’ll get to the point then,” she says in a serious voice. “I just wanted to tell you that Gabriel Johnson asked me out on a date, and I said yes.”
Gabe and Ariana… I think about it for two seconds before I realize it’s perfect. Maybe he will move on and be happy again. And maybe then we can be friends again, because if I miss having him as a friend. Plus, I’d really like the chance to confront him about Lily. I have a feeling there is more to the story that even Olivia doesn’t know.
“I think you two will be cute together,” I tell her. “Me and Gabe are long over, and I hope that you two have fun.”
“Thanks, Kihanna,” she says. “I am excited, but I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Absolutely no hard feelings. I am happy for you.”
“I’m so relieved. I know that the two of you had a pretty bad breakup.”
“I think it was worse for Gabe than it was for me. I’m glad he’s going ou
t with you. I couldn’t think of a better girl for him.”
“So, I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while… How is everything going with the whole stalker thing? Victoria told me a little about what happened during Christmas.”
I have tried to keep the whole stalker thing quiet, but I figure almost everybody knows by now. The police questioned almost everybody at the school, but unfortunately they are no closer to an answer than they were three months ago.
“No news,” I answer. “They are obviously good at hiding.” Whoever they are.
“I hope they’re caught soon.”
“Me too.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gabriel making his way to us. He looks mad — probably because Ariana is talking to me. When he gets up to us, he puts his arm around Ariana, like he’s trying to make me jealous. It’s not working.
“Hello, Kihanna,” he says coldly.
I turn my attention to Ariana. “So I’m going to go now. I’ll see you later.”
“Have fun with Brian,” she says.
“You’re still dating your pool boy?” Gabe snorts.
“Yep, but I’m pretty sure you knew that,” I tell him.
“Why would I know that?”
“I just assumed you were looking up my phone records… You know, like you did Lily’s…”
The look Gabe gives me is one of pure hatred. “Oh, Honey, trust me — you’re not that special to me.”
His comment hurts worse than I thought it would. It’s not like I want Gabe to hate me. We were friends for a lot longer than we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I’d really like to get back to the friends stage with Gabe, but I don’t know if that will ever be a possibility. He obviously hates me… Maybe his feelings for me were deeper than he let on.
“You can leave now,” he tells me when I don’t respond to his comment. “That’s what you’re good at anyway.”
Gabe is infuriating. But I literally have no response for him, so I turn and walk toward my car. He’s not worth my time or effort. If that’s how Gabe wants it, then that is how it will be.