by Mercy Amare
My life has just started, and I’m definitely not going to let my stalker steal it from me.
Monday, April 16
2pm
I’m a survivor.
I never thought I would actually miss going to school, but I do. I’m blaming boredom.
“Not going to school is awesome!” Toby says, as he finished up the last of his assignment for the day. “I spent like two hours doing work. Which makes me realize… school wastes about six hours of my day. I feel cheated.”
I roll my eyes. “You only think it’s awesome because you got to sleep until noon. And you didn’t work a full two hours. I’m pretty sure you were texting about thirty minutes of that.”
“I’ve got to keep up my social life,” he says. “Can’t let the ladies at school forget about me.”
“Whatever.”
I hear the doorbell ring, and a few seconds later, Olivia walks into the downstairs office where Toby and I are.
“Hello, Olivia,” Toby says in a seductive voice. “It’s been a long day. Why don’t you and I head up to my room and relieve some stress?”
She snorts. “Oh, you’re finally done hitting on your sister?”
Toby slips his arm around me. “She’s invited too.”
I throw his arm off and stand up. “You’re so disgusting. That joke stopped being funny a long time ago.”
“Then why are you smiling?” he asks.
I cover my mouth with my hand. “I’m not.”
Olivia and I wave goodbye to Toby and head up the stairs.
“You know you want me!” I hear him yell from the other room.
Olivia and I just laugh.
Once we get to my room, we both sit on my couch.
“Today was crazy,” Olivia tells me. “You seriously won’t believe the drama.”
“Oh no, what happened?” I ask. I really don’t care, but I know she’s excited to tell me.
“The cops were there. And according to the teachers, they are going to be there until the murderer is found,” she tells me. “They were in the hallways, and they even came in the classrooms sporadically. It was complete chaos.”
“I’m guessing that Gabe didn’t show up today…”
“Nope,” she says. “But Ty Newman skipped the first half of school, and was there for the second half. The rumor is that he was being questioned by the cops about Gabe’s disappearance.”
“That would be the first place I looked for Gabe,” I tell her. “If I wasn’t under house arrest, I’d go to Ty’s house. Ty would cover for him. I know he would.”
“I don’t know. It’s really serious. If Ty hides Gabe, he could be in serious trouble… So serious, I’m not sure his dad could get him out of it. Harboring a fugitive is serious.”
“Gabe is hardly a fugitive. He’s wanted for questioning.”
“Have you not seen the news? He’s considered dangerous,” she says. “They say if you see him to call the cops immediately.”
“Wow… I can’t believe it’s gotten to this.”
“I can’t believe it hasn’t gotten to this before now,” Olivia says. “I’m ready for justice for you… for Keith. I think that once the killer is behind bars, I will be able to move on. It’s hard to when it’s continuously thrown in my face.”
“I’m sorry.”
She looks up at me and forces a smile. “You shouldn’t feel sorry for me. You are the one who is going through this. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling.”
“I’m kind of numb,” I say. “It’s gone on so long now. I just… I’m ready for a conclusion. I’m ready for my happy ending.”
“You’ll get there.”
“Hopefully it’s sooner rather than later.”
“How could it not be soon?” she asks. “The whole world is looking for Gabe Johnson. He has answers. Soon the police and everybody else will know.”
“Let’s talk about something happy,” I say, wanting a subject change.
“I got my acceptance letter to UCLA.”
I frown. “In Los Angeles?”
She nods. “It is called University California, Los Angeles for a reason.”
“I’m just sad that you’ll be so far away.”
“It’s only an hour and twenty minutes by plane,” she says. “And your dad owns a private jet, so you better come see me.”
“I will,” I promise.
“I got a full ride scholarship.”
“I always forget that you’re a freaking genius.”
She laughs. “I’m not a genius. I’m just very driven when it comes to school and life. I want more than just an average life, and to accomplish that I have to be extraordinary.”
“Well, mission accomplished,” I tell her. “You’re one of the most extraordinary people I know. And I’m so excited for you, but I am going to miss seeing you every day.”
“You could come to UCLA.”
“I’m going to Stanford,” I remind her. “Besides, I kind of like the idea of being close to Brian while I go to college.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d like you being in LA while he’s here. He can’t even go a whole day without seeing you.” She rolls her eyes.
“The feeling is mutual.”
“My mother seems to think that the two of you will be getting married soon.”
I don’t say anything back.
“Look, I know that we’re young and all that, but I don’t think you’re too young to get married… You know, if my brother asked…”
I look at her sternly. “Are you ready to get married?”
“Heck no,” she says. “I am not ready to commit to any kind of relationship right now. The thought of getting married makes me sick to my stomach… But we aren’t talking about me. We’re talking about you. Kihanna Evers. Hopeless romantic. You believe in fairytales. I also know you believe that my brother is your prince. And my brother is head over heels in love with you. He’s not the kind of guy to wait. He’s never dated a girl very long, and I do know that you’re his longest relationship.”
“Do you really think he will ask me to marry him while I’m so young?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she answers. “I don’t think my brother is the type of guy who needs years to make up his mind. He’s made up his mind with you.”
I don’t want to tell Olivia about the conversation I had with Brian yesterday. This whole conversation is very scary to me.
“Just don’t break his heart,” she says. “Please.”
“I won’t,” I promise her. “I might not be ready for marriage, but your brother is it for me. I love him.”
Olivia smiles at my words. “Good. Because I would hate to have to beat you up.”
I laugh. “Olivia, you’re such a freak. I love you.”
She sticks her tongue out. “I love you too… But only if I get to be your maid of honor at the wedding.”
“Don’t say wedding. That word freaks me out.”
“You know, if you got engaged you could have a long engagement,” she says.
“I think I’d be okay with that.” I pause. “Why are we still talking about this?”
“You said you wanted to talk about something happy. This is happy.”
“I’m so glad you enjoy torturing me,” I joke.
“It’s weird because we are best friends, but Brian is my brother. I’ll always look out for him,” she says.
“I’m glad you do. I love that your family is so close. Just don’t think I plan on breaking his heart, because I don’t. If anything, he would be the one to break mine,” I say. “I hope that someday, you and I will be sisters. I mean, I already love you like a sister.”
“Awwwww,” Olivia says, giving me a side hug. “I’m worried about you.”
The mood once again turns serious.
“I worry every day that you won’t live. Lily didn’t,” she says. “I just don’t think I could handle it if I lost you too.”
“I’m a survivor,” I tell her. “I’m too
close to the end now. There is no way I am going down without a fight.”
“Good. Don’t ever give up.”
8pm
Should haves.
I can’t stop thinking about what Olivia said. She’s scared for me. This whole time I have been scared, but the fear has mostly been for those around me… I knew that things could end badly for me, but I haven’t thought about it that much. I guess now that she’s brought it up, I’m forced to think what if. What if I don’t survive? I really could end up dead.
I try to force the thought from my mind, but I can’t. After everything I’ve gone through, I want to live. I’m turning eighteen tomorrow. Eighteen is too young to die. My life is just now getting started. I’ve just started getting to know Brian… this is the beginning of the rest of our life together. I want to live long enough to marry him and have kids with him.
I think about my unborn sister. In four months, there will be a new member in my family. I will have a sister. I have to see her born. I want to meet her, and I want her to grow up knowing me. I want to be an example for her, and I want to be there for her. I want to be the cool big sister she goes to when she has a problem.
And my dad… I haven’t had long enough with him. He missed so much of my life, and it would be unfair for me to be taken away only months after meeting him. I want him to see me be successful in life. I want to live for him.
This month I got my acceptance letting to Stanford University… I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be going to college there. This is a one in a million chance, and I don’t want that chance taken away from me.
Being stuck at home suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. Having a bodyguard is a good thing.
To be honest, I kind of want to slap my past self for being so stupid. I should have gone to my dad on Halloween night when I got that note left in my room. Or I should have showed him that day in the hospital… Why did I wait so long?
There are a lot of should haves. There are a lot of whys. I will never have an answer for why I acted so recklessly. I don’t understand how I could have been such an idiot, but I was. And all I can do now is learn from it. I can grow from it.
Life is precious. And my life is worth fighting for.
Brian comes over as soon as he gets off work at eight o’clock. I’m excited to see him. Today was extra long.
“Was it awful?” he asks me.
I shrug my shoulders, because I do feel different since my talk with Olivia. “It was okay. I wish it was safe for me to leave the house, but I guess while I’m here I will make the most of it. The good thing is I do get to skip school and sleep in.”
“Hopefully it won’t take too long.”
“Hopefully,” I agree. “Everybody in America has seen Gabriel’s face and is looking for him. He won’t be able to hide forever. Until then I have Cole and Zack to keep me safe.”
Brian laughs at the mention of my bodyguards. “You also have me… I just wish I could stay here with you all the time.”
“No,” I say. “You have college, and you’re so close to graduating.”
“I’m a junior,” he replies. “Dropping one semester will hardly put me behind.”
“The semester is almost over, Brian. I’m not letting you do that.”
“You’re worth it.”
My heart melts at the sincerity of his words. “And I love that you think I’m worth it, but I can’t let you do that. Dropping out would be such a huge waste. You’ve studied so hard, and you’re making good grades. Don’t throw that away, because we don’t know what’s going to happen. I do know that I feel safe here. There is so much security, and I know that I’ll be okay.”
“And you don’t have any plans to sneak out?” he asks.
“You know me so well,” I say. “But no, I have no plans of sneaking out. I have thought about it, and I have decided that I’d like to live long enough to graduate high school, and go to Stanford.”
“I would like that too…” he pauses for a second. “Kihanna, promise me that you won’t do anything reckless.”
“I promise.”
It’s a promise that I feel confident that I can keep.
Brian gently caresses the side of my cheek with his thumb. I love the way his hand feels on my face. He’s so strong, and his hands are calloused and rough, but he’s touching me so gently… almost as if I could break. Sometimes I feel like I am breaking. It’s like he’s seeing right into my soul, and he knows exactly what I need.
“I love you,” I tell him, meaning the words with my whole heart… With my everything.
“I love you too,” he says, and I know that he means the words too.
Butterflies fill my stomach as I think about my future with Brian. We have so many possibilities. He makes me excited about the future.
No more what ifs. No more should haves. Only going to from now on.
11pm
Not safe.
When Brian goes to bed, I go to my room. I can’t sleep though. I keep tossing and turning. I keep thinking. So I get up, and turn on my computer. Ariana is online, so I decide to message her. We haven’t talked since she was kidnapped, and I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling now.
Me: Hey. How are you doing?
Ariana Morgan: Not so good, to be honest. I don’t know how you do it… How you’ve dealt with this person torturing you all this time.
Me: I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know it is because of me.
Ariana Morgan: It’s not you, Kihanna. Never let yourself the blamed for their sick actions.
Me: Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.
Ariana Morgan: I actually want to say goodbye to you… Me and my family are moving at the end of this week, and I probably won’t see you again. :(
Me: Moving? Because of what happened?
Ariana Morgan: Yeah. I just don’t want to be in California anymore. My mom is from New York, so we are going to go where her family is. I think a fresh start will be good for me. Being here is scary. I am always looking over my shoulder… I just hate it here. I don’t feel safe.
Me: I understand… Part of me wants to go with you, but I don’t think moving would help. I want to face this head on, and finally be able to move on with my life.
Ariana Morgan: I envy your strength. You’re such a good person, Kihanna. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Me: Thanks… And again, I’m sorry for everything.
Ariana Morgan: I have to go… Got to get back to packing. You’ll always be in my thoughts and prayers.
Me: I appreciate that. Goodbye.
Ariana Morgan: Bye.
I sigh sadly. I have so many regrets. I wonder what would have happened if I would’ve turned in the notes to the cops sooner… Would the person be found? Would they have even kidnapped Ariana? Her whole life has changed because of this… The life of her family has been affected.
Once again I think of the loss of life — Nicholas, Jacqueline, Keith, and Kasbian… They will forever be in my heart and on my mind.
I am about to shut my laptop when I get another message.
Unknown Source: You really think Cole and Zack are going to keep you safe from me? Ha. You’re in for a rude awakening.
Me: Why are you doing this to me?
Unknown Source: At first, I did this for revenge, but it’s turned into so much more now.
Me: Revenge? For what? What did I do?
Unknown Source: Does it always have to be about what YOU did? You’re so vain to think this is all about you… If only you were so special.
Me: Is this Gabe?
Unknown Source: It doesn’t matter how I answer this question. In your mind, I am Gabe… If only he had the guts to do all this.
Me: Please stop. I don’t want anybody else to get hurt.
Unknown Source: I will stop. In my own time. Right now, I am enjoying myself entirely too much.
Me: You make me sick. All those people were innocent!
Unknown Source
: Nicholas was an accident. He was never supposed to be killed… Jacqueline Hoff, she had it coming. You forced me to kill Keith when you went to the cops… And Kasbian knew too much. He had to be taken care of.
Me: Say whatever you want. You KILLED people. However you justify it in your mind, it’s wrong, and you have to pay for your crime. You will be caught.
Unknown Source: What a laugh. The cops have NO IDEA who I am.
Me: Who are you?
Unknown Source: You’ll find out. Soon. Goodbye, Kihanna.
Before I can reply, they get offline.
I slam my laptop shut and let out a frustrated growl.
“Why me?” I ask the air.
Soon I will have answers, they said. But soon isn’t soon enough. I’ve grown impatient and I want answers now. I want this to end now.