by Ben Pobjie
The Leftite Bloke has his origins in the early union movement. Around the turn of the twentieth century, as workers in Australia organised themselves and the Labor Party was established, the Leftite was born, finding an evolutionary niche in the need for unions to distribute pamphlets. The Leftite population grew in size and influence at a remarkable speed, and prior to World War I, the country was in danger of being completely covered in pamphlets. The war itself, and the notorious Leftite Culls of the 1920s, averted this potential disaster; the Leftite population stabilised, and to this day has remained steady just below plague proportions, while still being large enough to keep the latte industry thriving.
Debate continues to rage over whether Leftism is the result of nature or nurture. Theoretical Blokeologists argue that political consciousness can only be developed when actual consciousness is achieved, and so a Leftite can only be created by environmental influences. By contrast, recent experiments in the field have shown that some foetuses respond favourably in utero to Midnight Oil music, indicating that Leftist tendencies may be innate. This is backed up by research showing that 20% of newborns display a predilection for the films of John Pilger, and up to 15% will attempt to redistribute wealth if given a chance. The debate is far from settled, however, with the ‘nurturists’ pointing to the fact that in a study under neutral conditions, only 2–3% of Blokes joined the Labor Party under their own steam, whereas 90% joined up after being forced to listen to an hour of Peter Reith talking about unions. There is also a school of thought that Leftites are caused by a combination of both environmental and genetic factors, but this view is dismissed by serious scholars as ‘wussing out’.
Leftites are sociable by nature, and tend to congregate in large herds at rallies, union meetings, protests, and charity concerts. At these events, they like to engage in the most popular Leftite pastime, shouting, and will often perform complex but meaningful dances, frequently involving mounted police. Social gatherings are important to the Leftite, who, if left alone for extended periods of time, can be prone to Havanger’s Syndrome, an affliction peculiar to Leftites wherein the unfortunate sufferer literally seethes himself to death. The company of other Leftites allows him to vent and release the build-up of seethe pressure, and share the injustice around a bit.
When not in major public gatherings, Leftites nest in smaller family groups called ‘share houses’, and make their living through various mysterious, non-specific means. The Leftite takes pride in this simple, humble lifestyle, and is likely to scorn any suggestion that he would be more comfortable if he had more money and a new mattress. He will not, however, scorn actual offers of more money – the Leftite may be many things, but he is not an idiot. Although share houses are normally made up only of Leftites, for comic relief some will include a token Rightoid, who will eventually move out when he gets a promotion.
Leftites are usually easy to recognise, particularly if they are wearing their trademark duffle coats. In warmer months, they should still be identifiable by their wild, unkempt hair and/or beard, and their radically subversive T-shirts. They may also be recognised by the fact they are asking you for money or carrying a large sign demanding that something be smashed. Some Leftites may be spotted wearing suits and ties, but if you see a Bloke in a suit, unless he is addressing a rally, or Parliament, he’s probably not a Leftite.
As noted previously, Leftites should be approached with caution. If you do find yourself in conversation with a Leftite, the most important thing is to nod as often as possible and say ‘mm’ in an agreeable way at regular junctures. It is not necessary to actually understand what the Leftite is saying – it is probably something about the military-industrial complex, or endangered parrots – but it is very important to agree. If you disagree, it can trigger a severe episode, wherein the Leftite will shout, ‘Oh, well, I suppose the poor can just DIE IN THE GUTTER, THEN’, and storm off, possibly crying at the deep and intractable cruelty and sad failure of irrational people to respect alternative points of view, due to their brainwashing by the corporatocracy.
Leftites are considered pests in many areas, and official action is sometimes taken to clear them from public spaces, but there are those who consider them a vital, and in many ways beautiful, part of our natural fauna, and would prefer they be left alone to conduct their business in peace and attract curious tourists. This has caused tension in some cities, where the conflict between Leftite supporters and opponents has sparked mass outbreaks of pompous opinion articles, and, in extreme cases, talkback radio callers. On the whole, however, it is usually agreed that Leftites are just a part of life and should be embraced by the community as long as they don’t get too loud or stop people making money in any way.
Notable Leftites of the past include Gough Whitlam, who won a famous victory over the anti-Leftites by turning the Right’s most potent weapon, arrogance, against it. Whitlam is revered as a god in some Leftite communities, and many Leftites still speak of the ‘second coming’ of Whitlam: when the Leftites will be freed from their bonds, true equality shall be achieved, and the student union will be fully funded once more. Another great Leftite warrior was Paul Keating. Nobody is quite sure what Keating did for the Leftite cause, but he’s a very good public speaker and everyone is pretty certain that he did something fantastic. There is also Bob Brown, a fearsome modern Leftite who subdues his prey with a monotonous droning sound before attacking, and has struck many mighty blows for the Leftite community, including destroying democracy and selling Australians out to the secret one-world government.
Outside of formal politics, prominent Leftites include Professor Tim Flannery, an environmental Leftite whose powers of persuasion and beard are beacons to young Leftites looking for inspiration; Rod Quantock, considered the ‘court jester of Leftites’ by the sort of person who says that sort of thing; and Adam Gilchrist, who is a Leftite as a result of confusion over terminology.
Leftites have much in common with Snags and Artists, and there is frequent cross-pollination between the groups. What distinguishes a Leftite from other Left-esque species is his furious determination and reluctance to have a sense of humour.
There is much overlap in Leftite taxonomy, and often one breed can blend into another – there are even those who say there are no separate categories of Leftite, only different outfits. However, there are certain designated breeds that are generally recognised by the relevant authorities, and these include:
The Anarcho-Trotskyite. This is an imposing Bloke, full of beard and angry of tone, characterised by an extreme suspicion of strangers and an almost erotic love of flyers. The Anarcho-Trotskyite – referred to in some regions as the Communo-Menshevik – roams urban streets with fistfuls of flyers, which he distributes much like a bee carrying pollen from flower to flower. When out of flyers, the Anarcho-Trotskyite tends to turn to watering holes and friends’ houses, where he will engage in loud, passionate arguments about what brand of collectivism will best achieve his goals. His goals, normally, involve more flyers, but also, if there’s time: the redistribution of wealth, the seizure of the means of production, the dismantling of the capitalist mechanism, and a significant increase in the total volume of publicly-funded Marxist theatre. The means by which he hopes to achieve his goals, besides flyers, include violent revolution, street marches, online petitions, and Marxist theatre. Not in that order, though – in fact, many Anarcho-Trotskyites never get around to violent revolution at all, because they’re working extra shifts at Dick Smith Powerhouse. Street marches, however, are common, and while such marches do include Leftites of all stripes, and frequently a good number of Fauxkes as well, it is the Anarcho-Trotskyite who usually finds himself at the forefront, the bellwether of Leftism, bellowing the loudest and pulling the angriest faces.
Anarcho-Trotskyites can be extremely dangerous, and no member of the public should try to make contact without proper training – experts recommend retreating to a safe distance as soon as the Bloke in question starts to mention Bakuni
n. They are particularly vicious when wounded, and special care should be taken not to enrage them by mentioning Stalin or trickle-down theory. However, they can also be loyal friends, and if you can gain an Anarcho-Trotskyite’s trust – by giving him small gifts such as a Friedrich Engels tea towel or a bottle of beard gel, for example – he can be extremely useful in a tight corner, like when you need someone to throw a bag of urine at a police officer, or get you a good deal on flyer printing.
A common subspecies of the Anarcho-Trotskyite is the Campus Cuckoo, a smaller, lighter-framed version which dwells exclusively within the grounds of universities and pubs near universities. Some Campus Cuckoos will grow up to be Anarcho-Trotskyites, but occasionally a Campus Cuckoo will actually mutate into a Rightoid, by means of a poorly understood anatomic process which seems to involve superannuation in some way. The Campus Cuckoo shares his burlier cousin’s love of flyers, but due to his rarefied habitat often finds himself the focus of more attention than the Anarcho-Trotskyite, and thus in a position to indulge in his favoured pastimes of inspirational speech-making and not attending classes. The Campus Cuckoo will also frequently organise poorly attended rallies, which some attribute to his inferior flyer-design skills. The Cuckoo is also distinguished from the Anarcho-Trotskyite by his more powerful sex drive, and will often attempt to turn his political ideals into a tool of seduction, with limited success. Anarcho-Trotskyites tend to be a little bit above such things, and though they do engage in sexual relations when possible, tend to so with a distracted expression. The Campus Cuckoo, though, being both younger and more likely to come into contact with nubile young women, can spend long periods of time pursuing a mate, though never at the expense of his beliefs (this may vary depending on the flexibility, both physical and philosophical, of the lady in question).
One Bloke that is quite definitely focused on things other than the ways of the flesh is the Leaf-Blower. Leaf-Blowers were only formally discovered and named in the last forty years, all previous claimed sightings of the breed having been written off as escaped circus apes or decaying tree trunks. The Leaf-Blower is the most likely of the Leftite family to venture into rural areas, where he will fight tooth and nail in the defence of flora and fauna. Speculation on the motivation for this behaviour varies: some claim it is simple altruism, whereas others say that the Leaf-Blower has mistaken the trees for members of his family. Whatever the reason, the Leaf-Blower has a passionate love of Mother Nature and all that she has to offer, and is happiest when communing with nature in whatever way he sees fit, whether that be hugging a tree, lying in front of a bulldozer, or smoking marijuana. Leaf-Blowers are, however, most common in the cities, where they enjoy standing nobly on the spot with a tear rolling down their cheek, overwhelmed by the sadness of man’s destruction of his environment. They also like open-mic poetry nights.
It is often said you can always smell a Leaf-Blower before you see him, but this is an urban myth: on a clear day in an open area, only around 60% will be detectable by smell before coming into view. It is true, however, that Leaf-Blower religion warns sternly against sullying the body with soap, although Leaf theologians have interpreted this as only applying to mass-produced chemical products, meaning most Leaf-Blowers feel free to wash regularly with soaps made out of natural ingredients such as pig dung and cactus sap. This means that Leaf-Blower society is home to a wide variety of exciting odours, and it is thought that Leaf-Blowers identify newcomers to the community by sniffing them to determine which organic soap shop they patronise.
Besides the smell, Leaf-Blowers can be recognised by their plumage, which tends to be long and matted. This can vary – although the dreadlock is much favoured among Leaf-Blowers, some prefer shorter, stiffer styles. The plumage also indicates social status: the higher up the Leaf-Blower is in the hierarchy, the more matted and impenetrable his hair will be. Those Leaf-Blowers who are especially revered will indicate their status by wearing hemp headbands or actual leaves in their hair. As such, it is important to learn to distinguish between a Leaf-Blower chieftain, and an ordinary Bloke who has just fallen out of a tree.
As to the rest of their body coverings, the Leaf-Blower favours a combination of decades-old second-hand garments, and pieces hand-woven from materials like flax, bark, and (again) hemp. Hemp is especially popular because, in an emergency, the clothes can be smoked. Not that such emergencies often arise, because the Leaf-Blower is a master at finding sustenance from the world around him. A cunning hunter-gatherer, he is at his most impressive when prowling through the night, sharp eyes on the lookout for an unguarded rubbish bin. With a bit of ingenuity and a relaxed attitude to gastro, a Leaf-Blower can make the contents of one bin last for over a week. Luckily, Leaf-Blowers typically do have a relaxed attitude to gastro, and to everything else. Unlike the Anarcho-Trotskyite, the Leaf-Blower is a peace-loving, placid Bloke who rarely attacks humans, and generally spends his life longing for nothing more than peace and harmony between all Blokes. This particularly applies to the ones with hemp trousers.
In contrast to this laidback approach, the Action Man gains his name from the fact that he is a man of action. Closely related to most other Leftite breeds, it is thought that the Action Man may actually be a particularly aggressive strain of Anarcho-Trotskyite, although as a rule they are better-groomed. Action Men often pose as Bloke’s Blokes, but whereas earlier researchers placed them in this category, more recent scientific study has determined that they are a subspecies of Leftite with a hint of Fauxke ancestry.
The Action Man’s habitat is the city – he revels in its narrow laneways, its deserted factories and darkened railway stations. Constantly on the move, he lurks in shadows, emerging only to issue brief rallying cries to his Leftite brethren before slipping into darkness once more to carry out yet another daring attack on the military-industrial complex.
The aims of the Action Man are similar to those of other Leftites, but his methods are more direct and irritating. Eschewing the path of non-violent resistance, he scorns the pamphleteering approach and considers direct action the only way to achieve his aims. Like all Leftites, his aims are never actually achieved, but he certainly feels a lot better after doing some stuff. As a result, the Action Man is often pursued by the authorities, but always manages to elude them, except for those occasions when he is caught.
The activities of the Action Man cover many forms of fierce civil disobedience. Spray-paint is a popular tool, and many Action Man clans are dedicated solely to spreading inflammatory graffiti around the city in order to rouse the masses to revolution. It rarely works, however – Action Men scholars have surmised this may be because the masses admire correct spelling and grammar more than the Action Man is willing to admit.
Other Action Men go in for even more aggressive forms of vandalism, such as smashing windows, slashing tyres, and sometimes even setting fire to buildings owned by capitalist tyrants or whoever happens to be nearby. ‘Through Destruction, Freedom’ is the motto of the Action Man, and he lives by this motto each and every day. Most Action Men will try to limit any collateral damage – their action tends to be directed at property rather than people – but people do sometimes get hurt, often the Action Men themselves, usually by stepping on broken glass or holding a Molotov cocktail too long.
Most city authorities manage to keep the Action Man relatively in check – sometimes with the active collaboration of other Leftites, who can grow to resent the Action Man’s wilful disregard for the power of the flyer. However, under extreme provocation, the Action Man can turn genuinely nasty and take up busking. In some cities it is legal for ordinary citizens to shoot a Leftite with a guitar on sight, no questions asked.
The Action Man thrives in extreme conditions due to his tough outer hide and a digestive system that has adapted to convert attention into nutrients. The only known way to stop an Action Man taking action is via the aforementioned shooting, or by offering him a job.
All varieties of Leftites come in for a lot of criticism,
particularly from Rightoids and Veterans, but it is only fair to give them the credit they are due. Leftites serve a valuable purpose in Blokedom, picking up the slack of social conscience, and devoting their attention to the causes the rest of us would definitely care about if only we had the inclination. Essentially, they care so we don’t have to, and it’s only fair that every Bloke occasionally raises a glass to the Leftites who are out there every day fighting for something or other – fists raised in fury, boots stomping down the thoroughfare, pamphlets blowing in the wind.
BLOKEFACTS!
Did you know … the infamous ‘Bloke cull’ of 1956–57 came about as a result of a since-discredited report to Parliament indicating that Blokes were carriers of rabies. Over 70,000 Blokes were put down under the scheme, either by lethal injection or shooting from helicopters.
Rightoids
The Rightoid is an extremely common and much-loved Bloke who came about as a result of a mutation in the Leftite gene sometime in the history of Bloke evolution, resulting in a species that frequently behaves and talks like a Leftite, but with diametrically opposite opinions. Thus the Rightoid is the yin to the Leftite’s yang, the heads to his tails, the Bert to his Ernie, and the two kinds exist in a somewhat symbiotic relationship. If Leftites disappeared from the Earth, it seems likely that the Rightoid population would be similarly annihilated, possibly from alcohol poisoning. The mutual antagonism between Leftites and Rightoids is fierce and deeply felt, much like that between the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story, except that Rightoids can’t dance due to another mutation. Some Rightoids actually start out as Leftites and experience the gene mutation late in life – these tend to become the most aggressive and spittle-flecked Rightoids of all. However, the process does not appear to work the other way – Rightoids, as far as can be determined, do not become Leftites, although some of them do occasionally stop going to church.