by Ben Pobjie
Rightoids might be described as a ‘virulent strain’ of Bloke: they can be found pretty much anywhere there is money, from cities to suburbs to rural towns. Wherever Rightoids are found, they develop deep and powerful bonds with the community, and will always stand up and fight against anyone who assumes he knows more about the people than the Rightoid does. This particularly applies to anyone trying to sell lattes or build wind farms. The Rightoid is always the people’s champion, although he prefers not to mix with the people himself for fear of catching something. Poverty, maybe.
Seemingly unfazed by such contradictions, most Rightoids will simultaneously hold the opinion that this country is the greatest on earth and in need of no improvement, and that it has been completely ruined by Leftites. This is a fascinating phenomenon, and much study continues to this day into the structure and functions of the Rightoid brain, and whether we can apply the lessons we learn from it to fields as diverse as medicine, astrophysics, and swimming pool design.
The first reliable reference to Rightoids in Australian history comes from field reports in World War I: at Ypres, soldiers in the trenches reported their fellow Diggers exhorting them to ‘go over the top – I’ll be waiting here for you when you come back’, and to ‘Come on lads, let’s win this one for the stock exchange.’ Later reports have a soldiers’ petition being presented to General Monash demanding macro-economic trench reform, including tax relief and a relaxation of unfair dismissal laws, lest enterprising men begin leaving for the more laissez-faire economics of the German lines. This was a somewhat confusing period in The Great War, particularly with Leftite factions in the AIF presenting their own petition to have no-man’s-land declared a national park.
Since that time, Rightoids have proliferated throughout Australia, aided by their carefree breeding habits and voracious lust for conquest, and can now be seen in great numbers on any city street or in any wine bar or multinational boardroom. Indeed, Rightoids have penetrated the very upper echelons of power in this country, and most politicians and business leaders are Rightoids of some description. The nature of the Rightoid metabolism also means that the higher up the ladder the Rightoid climbs, the further Right he will go: a chairman will be more Right than an ordinary director; a CEO will be more Right than a COO; a prime minister will be more Right than a chief whip, and so on. Nobody quite knows how this process works, but it has something to do with polo.
Rightoids can generally be recognised by their snappy suits, but it would be naïve to suppose there is just one Rightoid ‘look’. Plenty of Rightoids, when not working, get about in casual clothes, such as a T-shirt and jeans, especially outside the city. It is important for them to do so, so they can relax and recharge and reaffirm the fact that they are humble men of the people who will happily mingle with their social inferiors. Because of this, the most foolproof way of identifying a Rightoid is through his laugh, which is always just a little bit too loud and demonstrates a sense of humour singularly lacking from all his other actions.
This method of identification can be tricky because Rightoids, although loving a good laugh as much as the next Bloke, have enormous trouble ‘getting’ jokes. It is therefore extremely difficult to get a Rightoid to laugh, and those jokes that do are usually baffling and incomprehensible to the normal mind. An example of a classic Rightoid joke is:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dee
Dee who?
Dee-regulated labour market!
Many a Rightoid thigh has been slapped at that one, and at this:
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A: A dry martini
As you can see, Rightoid comedy is a mysterious and arcane field, and not one to be entered into lightly – strong men have gone mad attempting to understand it. However, if you can make a Rightoid laugh – perhaps by kicking a homeless person – it can be enormously rewarding, as the Rightoid will take you to his bosom as a true friend and you’ll probably get free tickets to stuff.
Indeed, the Rightoid is a social Bloke, and enjoys the company of other Blokes, particularly Bloke’s Blokes, after whom the Rightoid imagines he has modelled himself. In a Rightoid’s more delusional moments, he imagines that he IS a Bloke’s Bloke, although these periods of psychosis can be effectively treated with modern drugs and a mirror. In any case, it is usually safe to speak to a Rightoid as long as you are in a public, well-lit place, and most authorities even consider it safe nowadays to shake his hand in a firm, manly fashion, and ask about his kids. A certain amount of caution is still advisable, however: when meeting a Rightoid, do not under any circumstances commit to his managed investment scheme. This applies no matter how friendly he seems and no matter how high the returns appear to be.
The places you are likely to meet Rightoids overlap to some extent with the preferred haunts of Leftites. You can find Rightoids on university campuses, where they like to gather to cast dirty looks at other students and lobby to have the student union defunded. They will also turn up at rallies, either Leftite ones – where they will launch counter-protests or take photos of misbehaving Leftites to put on their conservative Tumblr – or their own. Rightoid rallies are indeed a sight to behold when hundreds, even thousands of Rightoids band together and march through the streets demanding an end to excessive taxation, or a relaxing of the rules on felons holding directorships, or that the government stop controlling our minds with fluoride. There are many causes to which the Rightoid population is passionately committed, and when their blood is up they make a formidable force for change. The Rightoid is less comfortable than the Leftite in a rallying environment, however, and if given the choice would stay home demanding the police get rough with protesters, rather than become a protester himself.
The Rightoid has moved into a number of other environments in which he thrives and often dominates. These can be as diverse as nightclubs, boardrooms, high-end exotic dancing establishments, and parliament. Any place in which a well-tailored suit can gain a man a bit of respect, you are likely to find a Rightoid talking extremely loudly and threatening bar staff. These are also the places in which Rightoids will perform their mating rituals, which, in comparison to most other Blokes, are endearingly simple, for the most part involving taking out their wallets, then quietly leaving without waking her up. The fact that Rightoids are so straightforward with their breeding habits may explain why there seems to be so many of them, and why their girlfriend is always better-looking than yours.
Parliament is an environment to which the Rightoid has adapted particularly well, and Rightoids are referred to by some zoologists as ‘kings of the capitals’. Rightoids rule most parliaments almost completely, using their natural talents to subjugate any non-Rightoid members left standing. The predilection of Rightoids for parliamentary living is easy to explain, as it is only in parliament that a Rightoid can make a genuine positive contribution to the welfare of his people. It is in parliament that much serious Rightoid business is carried out, such as tax reform, the gutting of environmental protection legislation, and sexual harassment.
From time to time, groups of other Blokes become dissatisfied with Rightoid dominance of government and make moves towards banding together to challenge the Rightoid oligarchy. These challenges usually collapse when the Blokes get distracted by drinking, which may be connected to the fact that Rightoids also control the major breweries.
Due to the Rightoid tendency to occupy the corridors of power, most famous Rightoids in history have been of a political bent. John Howard is one of the most legendary, and still revered in many Rightoid temples, where worshippers gather to pray and swap stock tips. Howard is remembered for many important economic reforms, but his status among Rightoids stems mainly from his unparalleled skill in the most popular of all Rightoid activities: upsetting Leftites. Howard modelled himself on another famous Rightoid, Robert Menzies, who was an exemplar of many important Rightoid principles, such as monarchism and having enormous
eyebrows. Modern political Rightoids include Tony Abbott, who is beloved for his almost Howard-like ability to aggravate the Left, and Malcolm ‘the chameleon’ Turnbull, who, although not as revered as some other Rightoid leaders, has nevertheless gained respect for his uncanny shape-shifting ability to somehow convince others that he’s not really a Rightoid at all.
Outside parliamentary circles, notable Rightoids include Andrew Bolt, a prominent opera fan and film critic whose main hobby is being silenced by political correctness; Gerard Henderson, a small, gloomy creature who inhabits television studios and reproduces by writing letters; and Alan Jones, an incurable virus spread by bats.
Not all Rightoids are in positions of power, of course, and those who aren’t are among the most frustrated and angry of Blokes. In later life, most of these will become Veterans, and all will spend most of their time railing against the forces that conspire to keep them down – either Leftites or alien lizards.
All Rightoids share the characteristics of not understanding jokes and being afraid of poor people, but there are other important differences between Rightoid varieties. These varieties include:
The Young Liberal. A young Rightoid with a bright future and a wealthy father, the Young Liberal can be recognised by his impeccable dress sense, baby face, and air of unshakeable yet completely unjustified confidence. An early blooming Rightoid, the Young Liberal becomes convinced at a young age of the importance of protecting our borders and slashing red tape, and goes into battle with enormous enthusiasm on behalf of his Rightoid brothers. One of the most peculiar defining characteristics of the Young Liberal is his overweening pride in being a Young Liberal – he will happily prance through wider society telling everyone he meets of his Young Liberal status, essentially boasting about it, and never once realising that non-Rightoids use the phrase ‘Young Liberal’ exclusively as a term of abuse.
Young Liberals are not a breed in themselves – they are a larval stage of the common Rightoid, and may, as they mature, metamorphose into any one of several Rightoid varieties. Whether they become a Patriot, a Stock Star, a Hawk or the CEO of a chemical weapons conglomerate depends mostly on whether, on completing university, they get a job as a political staffer or as a banker. This, in turn, depends greatly on who their father’s friends are, and that of course depends on whether their father has gone to jail yet. If he hasn’t, the Young Liberal has a bright future ahead of him. If he has, the Young Liberal still has a bright future ahead of him, but may be forced to be interviewed for a few more human-interest stories in Women’s Weekly than would otherwise be the case.
The Young Liberal is an energetic Bloke who likes to stay active. Much of his time is spent organising anti-union activism and writing opinion articles about how young people are actually a lot more conservative and pro-war than old people might think. In fact, the Young Liberal tends to be an enthusiastic writer, taking up his pen in support of all kinds of worthy right-wing causes. The typical Young Liberal, however, reserves his most passionate and heartfelt prose for his fan letters to members of parliament. These letters are often almost erotic in the urgency of their love, and some anthropologists have declared the Young Liberal to be a ‘prince of romance’ among the peoples of the world. Of course there is often an ulterior motive – many Young Liberals write to MPs in the hope of gaining an internship, or at least a kiss – but nevertheless one can hardly fail to be touched if one is lucky enough to get the chance to read one of these letters. They demonstrate not only that the Young Liberal is a Bloke of powerful and lofty emotions, but also that, unlike many Blokes of the same age, the Young Liberal is sexually aroused by electability. This explains why Young Liberals will chivalrously rush to the defence of female conservatives who have managed to find their way into parliament, despite the Young Liberal’s strongly held conviction that women are not really people.
When not writing letters or opinion articles, or pleasuring themselves while listening to talkback radio, Young Liberals like to relax by drinking pre-mixed drinks and laughing at minorities. Which brings us rather neatly to:
The Patriot. A fierce and combative Rightoid who loves nothing more than his country – and hates nothing more than people who don’t love nothing more than their country – the Patriot is a Bloke who, deep down in his bones, feels the profound truth that Australia must be protected from those who would destroy it. Those who would destroy it generally include most other Australians, which is why the Patriot has such a big job on his hands. While most Blokes, in fact, have patriotic leanings, only Patriots take these leanings to extremes which might reasonably be called ‘quite funny, really’. The Patriot’s main concern is terrorists, who, according to recent Patriot surveys, make up around 80% of the world’s population. Patriots are reasonably certain that Australia is on the brink of suffering an apocalyptic terrorist attack if immigration policy is not instantly reversed.
Patriots are often dubbed ‘racist’, purely because of their hatred for all races besides their own. In fact, the Patriot is not motivated by racism, but by a sincere belief in the incompatibility of different cultures, and the certainty that people are hiding weapons in their turbans. Most of all, the Patriot just believes that as Australia is such a wonderful place, it is worth saving, and he is finely attuned to the signs of disintegration all around him, such as kebab shops, elderly Chinese people who don’t speak English, and Wankstas. Pretty soon, the Patriot warns, we won’t even recognise this country, such will be the proliferation of dusky hues and spicy foods surrounding us. The Patriot considers his role as that of a canary in a coal mine, not literally – as few Patriots have thus far proved willing to suffer death by asphyxiation in order to realign society – but in a figurative sense. The Patriot is the Bloke who warns that if we do not turn from the path we are on, we are doomed to see all we hold dear washed away in a sea of burqas and hip-hop.
As a rule, Patriots prefer the company of white people, but, again, this is not racist – it’s simply because white people get him, you know? Patriots are not, however, solely concerned with racial matters – they tend to be well-rounded individuals with a wide range of interests. For example, young Patriots can often be seen sporting Southern Cross tattoos in honour of their love of astronomy.
Patriots can often be recognised by their grim expression and the Australian flag tied around their shoulders. However, this is actually only the pupa: a fully-grown Patriot will emerge from the flag-chrysalis at around twenty-five to thirty years of age, his Patriotism well-developed, and prepared to defend his country by singing the national anthem very loudly, frowning suspiciously at soccer matches, and getting drunk in Turkey once a year.
No time to get drunk in Turkey, however, for the Stock Star, the worker bee of Rightoids, who is responsible for sustaining the Rightoid economy through his tireless work and suits. These suits make the Stock Star easily identifiable to the observer as perhaps the most splendidly decorated of Rightoids. The Stock Star can also be identified by his slick hair, his slick demeanour, his slick wife, and his tendency to babble incoherently in a dialect that linguists have yet to decipher. This dialect is characterised by a quick-fire, staccato mode of speech, and the frequent use of terms such as ‘CFD’, ‘margin calls’ and ‘stapled securities’, the meanings of which remain a mystery at the time of writing.
The Stock Star is unusual among Rightoids in that politics plays but a tangential role in his life. Although, obviously, of a right-wing persuasion, Stock Stars tend to be fairly flexible in their political beliefs, as politics is not a particularly pressing concern for them. Rather, the Stock Star’s lifelong focus is on winning a contest that can be most accurately described as ‘Who’s Got The Most Money?’ He will attempt to manipulate the political situation if he feels it will help him win this contest, but not out of any great conviction or ideology. A Stock Star will happily hug a tree or kiss Kim Jong Il’s feet if he feels it will boost his portfolio. Left to his own devices, however, he is more likely to cut down that tree
so it falls on an orphanage, as that would be more fun, and the Stock Star is a fun-loving Bloke, always looking for amusement or a quick thrill. Some of the things that give the Stock Star the most enjoyment include:
large amounts of money
things that can be sold for large amounts of money
pictures of large amounts of money
punching kittens
Unsurprisingly, Stock Stars are generally considered good company, and should you get the opportunity to spend a night out with one, take it up, as it will be a marvellous experience. However, it is recommended that anyone coming into contact with a Stock Star should avoid dropping their guard, as he is still a predatory Bloke, and all the wild nights on the town won’t count for much if you wake up the next morning with a killer hangover and ten thousand shares in Atari. Still, with a bit of commonsense, Stock Stars can indeed be studied, and enjoyed, at close quarters by people of all ages.
Less easy to get close to is the Hawk, an ill-tempered Rightoid closely related to the Patriot and often seen associating with packs of Young Liberals. The Hawk is engaged in an entirely different contest to that of the Stock Star, best described as ‘Who Shall We Blow Up?’ Like the Patriot, the Hawk has deep and profound concerns about the malign influence of foreign forces on our great nation; unlike the Patriot, the Hawk believes the solution lies not so much in expelling those forces from our shores, as it does in going over to their shores and shooting as many of them as possible.
Hawks are versatile Blokes and integrate easily into the social strata of many different species. They are particularly prevalent within Veteran societies, and can often be seen among Bogans, Bloke’s Blokes, and occasionally even Geeks, the last of these being readily convinced of the merits of warfare if you can get them to think of it in terms of the Rebel Alliance. It is often difficult to spot a Hawk simply by his appearance, although he often has an extremely angry facial expression and may twitch a lot. If a Bloke is wearing a lot of medals and it isn’t Anzac Day, he might be a Hawk. Khaki clothing is also a dead giveaway, unless of course the wearer is an actual soldier, in which case he is definitely not a Hawk – Hawks never join the armed forces.