Wild Pitch

by Sloan Johnson

  “Is that what you want?” Sean asked. He flopped onto the edge of the bed. When he looked up at me, I saw the pain in his eyes and wondered if I was making the wrong call.

  “Yes,” I lied. There was a chance that me taking a step back would distract him even more than staying here, but it was for the best.

  “I see.”

  I sat next to him on the bed, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Sean, we’re both under a lot of stress right now. You said yourself that it’s hard to think when we’re around one another, so I’m giving us some space. That way, you can focus all of your energy on kicking ass in your next two starts and I can work on getting this hand healthy.”

  “It sounds like your mind’s made up. I guess I’ll talk to you whenever.” Sean made it halfway to the bedroom door before turning around. I stared at him as he walked back toward me, his gaze cast on the ground. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing here, but I have to tell you, this really sucks from where I’m standing.”

  “I know.” I stood and hooked my fingers into his belt loops. “You’ve always been straight about the fact that baseball is everything to you. I’m not going to be the one to keep you from getting what you really want.”

  “What if what I really want is in the middle of saying goodbye to me right now?”

  I reached up to run my thumb over Sean’s cheek. If he didn’t turn around and walk out the door, he was going to see how much it was killing me to do this to both of us. “Not goodbye,” I promised him. “If it helps, remember that this was going to happen eventually anyway. I won’t be on the DL forever, and then I’ll have to get back to the real world. I’m simply doing that a little bit ahead of schedule.”

  Sean curled his fingers around the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. His lips crashed into mine, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth. I slid my hands up his back, pulling him forward until the heat of his chest pressed against mine, wondering if he could feel the way my heart threatened to jump out of my chest.

  Sooner than I would have liked, Sean broke the connection. “I have to go. I’ll call you tonight when I get home.”

  I stood in the empty room until I heard Sean’s car back out of the driveway, certain I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life.

  If Abi heard our fight, she didn’t say anything as she drove south on the Interstate. She glanced over at me every once in a while, and a few times I thought she tried to say something, but each time her mouth snapped shut and she let out a dramatic sigh.

  It wasn’t until we pulled into the park that I knew she’d heard nearly every word. Rather than pulling up to the players’ entrance, she parked the truck at the back of the employee lot and turned off the ignition. “Look, I know it’s not my place, but you two need to work out whatever’s going on between you. Running away isn’t going to solve anything,” she scolded me.

  “I’m not running away from anything, Abi,” I argued. When I reached behind my seat for the duffel bag, her face contorted as if to say ‘Oh yeah, then what’s that?’ “Okay, so maybe that’s what it looks like, but honestly, it’s time for me to get back to my life. Sean made a good point this morning when he said he can’t afford any distractions right now.”

  “And you’re going to let him push you away like that?” she scoffed. “Look, he tweaks every time he gets stressed. What my brother needs isn’t space or time away from you. He needs to know that you’re in this as much as he is. I think part of the reason he’s never wanted a relationship is because he’s afraid no one will ever understand how important baseball is to him. Whether he admits it or not, he’s still trying to prove to our parents that he didn’t fuck up his entire life by dropping out of college. What he fails to realize is that they’ll never accept him for who he is.”

  I curled my hand around her fingers. Abi’s heart was in the right place, but nothing she said would change my mind. I already knew all of this about Sean. “I get it,” I assured her. “But he’s not the only one who has a life to live. I have a lot of shit swirling around in my head right now, and I need time to figure out what I really want. Baseball isn’t what it used to be to me, but is that because I’m burned out or because I’m letting other factors cloud my judgment? When Sean and I are together, it’s like nothing else matters other than finding a way to be with him.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?” She looked at me as if I were insane for thinking that being completely consumed by another person was a bad thing. Oh, to still have the innocence of youth. I’d much rather not have the crappy life experiences that have left me jaded.

  “It might sound like it, but it’s really not. I said some pretty fucked up shit the other night. I’m pretty sure that’s part of why your brother’s been so touchy this week, but honestly, he had every right to freak out.” Between confessing to him that I still wanted a family and basically telling him I’d pick him over baseball, I couldn’t blame him from pulling away from me. And I wasn’t sure if I meant that last part. Sitting on the DL in the middle of a shitty year, I did wonder if walking away was nothing more than me considering an easy out.

  “That’s stupid.” Abi slumped back in her seat. “Whether or not the two of you can admit it, you’re seriously in love already. How can you call a time-out on something like that?”

  “Because sometimes, being in love with a person isn’t enough.” It sounded like something from a fucked up fortune cookie. “Look, this may not make sense to you, but I need you to promise me you won’t grill him the way you did me. I waited seven years to tell him how I felt about him, it’s not going to kill me to hit the pause button for a little while.”

  Abi made a tsking sound as she started the truck. “It’s like I said before, guys are fucked up,” she said, more to herself than to me. She gripped the steering wheel at ten and two and looked straight ahead out the windshield until I took the hint and opened the door. “Mason, it may not kill you, but have you thought about what this is doing to him?”

  I closed my eyes tight enough that I saw spots, hoping I could hold it together until I got inside. “More than you know.”

  I slammed the door closed and started walking toward the players’ entrance. Abi squealed the tires as she tore out of the parking lot and I wondered if she’d ever forgive me.

  The first few hours after Abi left weren’t so bad. My hand no longer hurt as much as it had the first few days, and when my mind wandered to the talk with Sean, I pushed those thoughts away. The only thing I allowed myself to think about was the next exercise and doing what needed to be done to get back on the field. As much as I questioned whether I would have a job at the end of the season, I couldn’t let myself give up.

  It wasn’t until I got home that the weight of what I’d done settled onto my chest. He’d only been here once, but Sean had left an indelible mark on my space. When I walked into the living room, I remembered revealing the only secret I’d ever kept from him. I considered every word I said that night and how much it meant to me that he didn’t push me away. Looking back, I questioned whether I could have done more to make him understand that my attraction to him wasn’t part of an early mid-life crisis, it was me being true to myself for the first time in my life.

  In the kitchen, I thought about the morning after. About telling him that I had no regrets. Wondering if I could give the same answer if he was in front of me today. Did I regret admitting my feelings for him? No. But I did think that being completely honest with him had driven a wedge between us. And just because I wanted to make changes in my life didn’t mean I thought it’d ever happen. The night at the lake had simply been a way for me to purge all the shit piling up, threatening to bury me.

  The pit in my stomach grew as I walked down the short hall to the bedrooms. I never made it further than flicking on the light to my room before I wanted to punch something. It irritated me that the housekeeper had changed the sheets, even though she was only doing her job. I wanted to curl up in the blankets and smell h
is scent on the sheets. I deserved that small torture for walking away from him.

  The only room not tainted by memories of him was the main bathroom, so that’s where I spent nearly an hour trying to get a fucking grip. I closed the lid of the toilet and sat, flipping through websites and social media pages without comprehending a single word. I showered, hoping that’d help me relax. As I shaved the coarse stubble on my cheeks, I glanced down at my phone and considered calling Sean to admit that I’d made a mistake.

  I didn’t. I couldn’t. Logically, I knew that we’d both allowed ourselves to be swept up by the rush of a new relationship. It was a high that couldn’t last forever, and we owed it to one another to step back and see if we’d come back together stronger and more able to cope with the stresses in our lives.

  It wound up being a long, sleepless night. I finally gave up on trying to sleep in my bed and flopped down onto the couch with a pillow and the thin quilt my mom sent with me when I went off to college. Even that held memories of Sean, both because he loved to pick on me for my attachment to it and because I’d come home several times to find him relaxed on our crappy sofa with it draped over his legs.

  When I gave up on trying to sleep, I stumbled into the bathroom and found my phone still sitting on the vanity. I picked it up and saw three missed calls and a text message. Without opening it, I knew it’d be from Sean.

  Mace, I’m sorry about today. You know I’m still trying to get used to thinking about someone other than myself. Please, call me.

  As I stared at the screen, my resolve to put distance between us fractured. I hated being away from him. Despised myself for making a decision that affected both of us without even talking to him. When I started to pull up his number, the universe stepped in and told me I was right to step back. Since my phone had been sitting on the counter all night, it hadn’t been charged and the battery died. I plugged it into the charger at the kitchen island before getting dressed so I could head to the park. And I deliberately walked out without my phone so I wouldn’t be tempted to call him.

  Chapter 13

  I was beginning to regret keeping the door on my closet not only closed, but also padlocked and chained shut. If I wasn’t so worried about who I slept with having an unfair bearing on my ability to play the game, I’d be able to call any of my close friends to ask them what in the hell I’m supposed to do now.

  After scrolling through my contact list a few times, hoping a name would magically pop out at me, I landed on one of the only people who knew my secret.

  “Tucker, I was starting to wonder if you were going to forget my number,” Eric answered. I looked around nervously, checking to see who was still in the employee lot. “I heard you’d been to the house, which explains the beer missing from my fridge when I got home.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry. I needed a quiet place because my sister’s been staying at my house,” I apologized. He didn’t care if I helped myself to whatever he had on hand while I was there, but I’d been raised better than to drink a man’s last beer and not return it. Honestly, I’d planned on driving back down to replenish what we drank, but I hadn’t had time.

  “No worries, bud. You know I’ll never pass up the opportunity to give you shit.” He laughed and my mood lightened a bit. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “You have a spare hour? This may not be quick,” I warned him. I still couldn’t believe I was going to share any of this, but I had to get it out before I went insane.

  “I’m all yours until early next week. Will that be long enough?” He knew me well enough to know that I didn’t often get upset, but when I did, it was never anything minor.

  “Yeah, I think that’ll be plenty of time.” Little things he’d said started to click into place and I began to worry. “Wait, where are you?”

  “I’m at my house, really wishing there was a cold beer in my fridge,” he chided. “My grandpa passed away last Thursday and I flew in this morning for the funeral.”

  “Damn, now I feel even worse about drinking all of your beer. Sorry to hear about your grandpa, he was a good man.” Pa Sapp was more like a father to Eric than a grandparent. He was the one who taught Eric how to play and drove him to every practice. Like Mason’s family, Pa made it to every game, except this season. He’d been battling cancer, and we all knew it was only a matter of time. It was hard to believe the old man was gone.

  “Thanks. It wasn’t a surprise, but it still sucks. Anyway, I know you didn’t call to talk about that, so what’s up?”

  Next to Mason, Eric was one of my best friends, and I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to realize something was bugging me. I spent the next ten minutes giving him the short version of what was going on, leaving out any details that would give away the identity of the object of my turmoil. Unfortunately, Eric’s not as oblivious as he likes people to believe.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but does this have something to do with you and Atley locking lips on the beach when you were here a few nights ago?” I nearly choked on my own saliva as I spluttered, trying to figure out whether it was better to confirm or deny.

  “Oh, come on. Did you think I wouldn’t try to figure out what was going on when my neighbor complained about two guys fighting on her part of the beach before disappearing up the steps to my backyard? I wasn’t going to say anything, because all I cared about was that it wasn’t assholes who didn’t belong here, but if you’re this worked up, then maybe you need to tell someone.”

  Denial seemed pointless since he had proof. And if he hadn’t even told me that he knew, it stood to reason that he wouldn’t say a word to anyone about the rest of what I’d said.

  “Yeah, fine,” I grumbled, hating that he’d said the same thing I was thinking to myself a few minutes ago. I did need a friendly ear other than my little sister. “Since you know all of it then, what’s your take? Am I an idiot to be this worked up about him not sticking around?”

  Eric made this annoying clicking sound with his mouth. It was his tell whenever he figured he was about to say something and he wasn’t sure how it’d go over. “Honestly? I was shocked when I saw the security footage of you and Mason together, but after the third time watching it because I knew my eyes had to be playing tricks on me since Mason’s always come across as a bit of a playboy, I saw something else…”

  “Yeah?” The line was silent long enough that I wondered if he had any intention of sharing his observation with me.

  “I saw two guys so into one another that it made me jealous,” he confessed. “I’ll agree that it’s going to be a long road for the two of you, but I think you’ll be happier if you give him whatever time and space he needs. I’d give just about anything to find someone who’d look at me that way.”

  I felt like an even bigger dick than I had minutes earlier. Eric deserved someone who’d make him happy. When we’d been fooling around, I told myself that it was enough for both of us, but hearing the pain and envy in his voice, I knew that he didn’t feel the same way. He’d wanted more, but settled for the crumbs I was willing to give him. “So, basically you’re telling me that I’m being an idiot?”

  “Nah, I think you’re dealing with a shitload of stress right now. What do you say you pick up a couple of six packs and head down to my place? I don’t have anything going on tonight and I need a break from family time.”

  “I can do that. I’ll be there in twenty.” I was grateful to Eric for realizing that my house was the last place I wanted to be right now. Once I thought about it, it felt wrong to run to Eric at the first sign of trouble between Mason and me. I justified spending time with him because he was still one of my friends, and he was mourning the loss of the man who meant more to him than anyone else in his life. He shouldn’t be alone right now.

  Once I got to Eric’s, I suggested we call Jason and see if he wanted to come by for an impromptu cookout. When I told Jason why Eric was back in town, the small gathering somehow grew to half of the Mavericks hanging o
ut in Eric’s backyard. We all knew Pa, and it seemed fitting that we had a drink in his honor since none of us would be able to attend the funeral.

  Jason waited until most of the guys headed to the basement for a round of darts before bringing up the elephant in the room. “Where’s the other half?” he asked as we sat around the smoldering fire pit.

  “Chicago,” I answered, hoping he’d hear the avoidance in my tone. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky.

  “That sucks. Are you going to see him again before we head out?” Although it was nice not having to hide Mason from everyone, times like this it sucked because his absence led to questions I didn’t want to answer.

  “Not sure.” I tossed another empty beer bottle into the barrel. Jason leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankles, apparently settling in for a longer conversation. “Look, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m going to get all touchy-feely about my emotions. He knows I’m fighting for an All-Star roster spot and doesn’t want to be a distraction to me.”

  It was enough of the truth to appease him. Jason tilted his head back to look at the clear sky as he sipped his beer. When I looked up, all I could think about was how much different the sky looked here than in Milwaukee or Chicago. “I don’t get that, buddy,” Jason said, breaking the sliver of peace I’d started to feel. “Is it really worth the bullshit? You need to be like the rest of us and realize that the guys who get picked are the miserable saps who don’t get a break in the middle of the season. Maybe you’d be better off using that time as a way to figure out whatever bullshit’s going on at home.”

  I closed my eyes and listened to the waves rolling onto the shore, wishing I could go back a few days and not push Mason to talk to me. If we’d stayed home and fooled around, he wouldn’t have told me about all the things in his life that weren’t possible as long as we were together. I wouldn’t have realized that Mason and I had entirely different goals that couldn’t meld together to make one happily ever after. And most of all, he wouldn’t have told me that he’d put all of his own dreams aside in order to be with me. As flattering as that sounded, it was no way to have a good life. Not in the long run.