by Nikki Clarke
“Most of yesterday and today.”
“What!” I sit up in the bed, flinging Kwarq’s hand off of me. “You let me sleep for two days?”
I can’t believe it, but then I notice something else. I feel clean. My skin smells of something sweet, and I’m no longer wearing Kwarq’s dirty tunic. I’m in the white dress from the basket. It’s whisper soft against my skin. I honestly can’t say I’ve ever been in anything more comfortable. Still, how the hell did I get into it?
“Who changed my clothes?”
Kwarq sits up, frowning at my obvious discomfort at his revelation that I’ve been playing sleeping beauty for the past day and a half.
“I did, of course. It is my duty to care for you when you enter the resting periods.”
“Wait a minute. Was I in a coma or something?”
Kwarq reaches out to place his hand over mine. That feeling overcomes me again. Like his touch is giving me energy. Like it’s soothing me. I feel less panicked almost immediately.
“Amina, you were not in a coma. There was no danger. Because the babies are growing so quickly, your body needs an opportunity to rest and acclimate itself. It is a necessary and expected thing. You did sleep slightly longer than a Lyqa woman, but it is to be expected. Your body is not prepared for this and is trying to adjust as best it can. But you are well. I would not let you come to harm.”
He says this like he says everything. Like it’s the most natural, right thing in the world. I, however, am too weirded out to be charmed by his show of devotion.
“What did you do to me?”
He looks confused.
“While I was asleep. What did you do?”
He smiles. A real smile. The adorable boyish smile that I have only seen from him a few times. His chest actually seems to visibly puff out.
“I did everything I was supposed to do. I bathed you. I provided you with liquids and supplements. At night, I held you and spoke to our children, telling them to grow well inside of you and not be too hard on their mother until after they are born. I think, for now, causing you strife is my job.”
He seems so proud of himself, and I’m touched. I want to be freaked out by the idea of him playing rag doll with me, but I’m not. I can only imagine him holding me throughout the night, his deep, musical voice whispering to the babies inside of me. Our babies. I feel my throat tighten, and I remind myself that I can’t afford to read too much into his gestures.
“I appreciate you looking out for me. That couldn’t have been fun for you. I’m sure you had other things you wanted to do.”
“I had nothing to do, except care for you and our babies. It is my obligation as your lehti to look after you during the periods of rest.”
I love that he sounds so devoted, but I hate that everything he does for me is just another burden of the leht. I fumble with the raw edge of the sheet and avoid his gaze.
“I don’t want to be your obligation, Kwarq.”
“Then it is my pleasure, Amina.”
I push out a frustrated breath and fling aside the sheet that’s covering my legs.
“Yeah, I know, Kwarq, but it doesn’t have to be. You have a life here, and obviously this whole thing isn’t going to mix too well with it. It’s probably a good idea that we try and figure out the best way for me to deal with this myself.”
He swallows and I look quickly away from the cords of his neck where his throat works. “You mean when you return home? Without me, how will you care for yourself during resting periods?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out. Maybe I can hire someone. Maybe my sister can help me.”
“But it is my duty. It is not a burden.”
“It is not your duty, Kwarq. I am not your duty. I am not anything to you. We made a mistake. You offered me an out, and I probably should have taken it. I also probably should have asked more questions about your situation before I agreed to come here. I just wasn’t prepared for some things.”
“Like Li’aht?”
I hate hearing him say her name. I hate the ache in my chest when I think about how bright his smile was when he looked up and saw her in the kitchen. How closely he held her. The low moan that rumbled in his throat when he kissed her back.
“That and other things.”
“Amina, since you have been here, I smelled the acrid scent of fear on you, the tangy smell of apprehension, and the sweet smell of your passion. The only time I have scented your sadness is when I mention her name.”
I clear my throat and shift to my knees. I keep forgetting that he’s basically a walking mood ring.
“Yeah, well, I’m not going to lie and say that finding out you have a girlfriend wasn’t a little hurtful. But I can't really be mad at you. You aren’t human. You have no way of knowing that something like that wouldn’t be cool with me. It’s my fault for not doing more to better understand the leht. I thought it was more like a soulmates kind of thing, which I know is stupid, but it’s just what I thought. I should not have assumed.”
“Amina, you have not misinterpreted the leht.”
I chuckle softly. “I think I have.”
Kwarq shakes his head and sits up in front of me. He takes my hands in his and brings them to his mouth.
“You have not. Amina, Li’aht is not my lover. She was, but no other woman has existed for me since the moment you awoke my heart.”
I force myself to ease my hands from the warmth his.
“Kwarq, I know you have to feel this way, but really, I understand. And not to throw shade, but you seemed really happy to see her.”
His skin pulses that dull red when I remind him of his reunion in the kitchen the other day. I still can’t believe I slept for nearly two days. Also, I really have to pee.
“My behavior was unacceptable. In my culture, we are not accustomed to rejecting affection. Because of our previous relationship, Li’aht was used to greeting me in this way, and I would have offended her by rejecting her embrace. I realize now that I should have risked it. I would rather that than have you be hurt by my actions. Ma’h qitah.”
He says this last part softly and leans forward. His hand takes gentle hold of my arm and he presses his cheek to mine like he does every time. I feel the regret through this simple contact. I also feel his desire to make things better. I feel his apology.
“It’s okay, Kwarq.”
“It is not okay. I hurt you, but more importantly, I have made you want to leave me. I have made you believe I do not care for you.”
I don’t say anything. My throat tingles and starts to tighten and I do my best to clear it. If I cry, it will just make him feel worse. Plus, I don’t want to think about whether or not he loves or cares about me.
After a moment, he removes his cheek from mine, but doesn’t release my arm. My guilt at knowing he’s been taking care of me while I slept but also torturing himself over what happened eats at me a bit. Knowing he would have shirked custom for me now seems a little unnecessary. I mean, it was just a kiss. It’s not like we’re married or anything. I hate to think it, but I’m really just a glorified baby mama.
I sigh and reach out to rub my hand over his short beard. The hair feels fine and silky against my palm.
“I’m glad you weren’t rude to her. I’m sure it was a shock to her, too. I’ve just kind of showed up and stolen her man.”
“Once I explained who you are to me, Li’aht was very embarrassed of her behavior. Had she known, she never would have come here. She would have known that we were no longer lovers.”
I’m a bit surprised by this. It seems a little cold for a culture that seems defined by being almost overly affectionate.
“So you guys are just through? She has no problem with the fact that you’ve basically dumped her for some chick that isn’t even Lyqa, let alone from this planet?”
“Whether or not you are Lyqa is of no consequence. And as for the risk that I have broken her heart as you human’s say, she and I were not in a committed partners
hip. We were what you would call casual lovers.”
My eyes widen. “You were cuttie buddies?”
His mouth quirks up at the corner. “If this expression means that we were friends who also engaged in sexual relations, then yes. We were cuttie buddies. Does this bother you?”
Kind of. A little. Hell yeah.
“Not really. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll be going home soon, anyway, right?”
I don’t know how this whole space travel pod rental thing works. What if you have to put in a reservation to get a good rate? What if there is an application process that takes days or weeks? As I wonder about this, I realize that my desire to leave isn’t as pressing as it was a couple of days ago. Now that Kwarq’s explained the situation with Li’aht, I almost feel like I might want to stay again. I don’t know if I should say that though. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and he’ll say that he can’t take me for a while.
“Yes, I can take you if you still wish to go. My mother has asked to see you before we leave. Is that okay?”
I like Kwarq’s mother. She reminds me of my own mom. In fact, his whole family was nothing but welcoming to me. Even Ah’dan, who seems like he could be a jerk if he wanted to, was surprisingly comforting the other day. I start to feel a little guilty knowing I’m basically going to take them away from their first grandchildren. Again, the idea that I may not want to leave, after all, slithers through my brain.
“Of course I’ll see her. I want to thank her for welcoming me into her home. Let me use the rest room, and I’ll get ready.”
I scoot backwards off the bed. Once my feet touch the floor, I fully feel the difference in my body. Gravity pulls everything down just a little bit heavier. My breasts are fuller and achy. That watery feeling in my womb is even more pronounced and only serves to make it more apparent that I have to use the restroom. I haven’t peed in Kwarq’s home before. I really really hope it’s nothing weird. Like don’t let the toilet be a communal room where Bati’s gonna be taking a shit next to me or something. These Lyqa kind of like their shared experiences, so I don’t feel like that’s a far stretch. And please, please let them have toilet paper.
Kwarq is watching me with an amused expression, like he already knows I’m imagining all kinds of weird bathroom scenarios.
“Uh, can you show me where it is?”
His mouth twitches, and he swings his feet over the side of the bed to stands in front of me, holding out his hand.
“Of course, Amina.”
Chapter 20
Kwarq
Amina, Amina. It’s hard not to laugh when I watch the varying emotions play out over her face when she asks to use the toilet. I don’t have be in her head to confirm that she’s probably imagining wildly ridiculous things waiting for her in the room where we relieve ourselves.
Her energy is nervous as I lead her out of the bedroom to the room in the back of my apartments. When we get to the door, I push her forward and step away. My heart immediately begins to beat quickly in time with her’s, and I cover my mouth, barely able to contain my grin. She’s actually scared. My poor, human Amina and her ridiculous imagination.
I wait patiently as she bolsters her courage and pushes the door open. The moment she steps through, and I can resist no longer.
“Be careful.”
Amina
Kwarq is such a butthead. I nearly piss myself when he issues his little warning, but as soon as the lights brighten, I realize that I seriously need to calm down. It’s just a damn bathroom. I turn around and glare into his smirking face before I slam the door. Kwarq’s muffled laugh is loud on the other side.
The toilet is slightly larger than a human toilet, and the tub is ginormous, but other than that, it’s a regular old bathroom, if a little more spacey and high-tech looking. I clasp my hands to my chest and send up a silent prayer to the universe when my eyes land on the neat stack of what looks like toilet paper next to the commode. Thank you, Black Jesus.
I have to pee, like really have to pee. I suddenly have to pee more urgently than ever in my life. I flip my dress up and take a cursory glance inside the toilet to make sure there isn’t anything swimming in there. I mean, a girl can never be too safe. Once I determine the coast is clear, I turn and plop down on the seat, nearly fall in, then steady myself with a hand on the wall as I let go of what feels like two days’ worth of pee.
“Aaaahhhhh!” My deep sigh echoes off the bathroom walls, and I hear Kwarq chuckle again.
I don’t care, this is the best thing I’ve ever felt, and I’ve been feeling some good stuff lately. Actually, I’ve been thinking that a lot about almost everything. And I’m not exaggerating. Almost everything feels like the best thing ever. Very urgent and intense. I haven’t been able to explain it, but now something occurs to me.
“Why does this feel so good?” I shout through the door. I’m still peeing. It doesn’t seem like I’m going to stop any time soon.
“I may have been excessive with your fluids. I could have relieved your bladder for you, but I did not think you would appreciate that just yet.”
He’s right, I wouldn’t have. I have no idea how he would have done this, short of giving me a catheter, but I’m glad he realized that would have been taking his caring duties a little too far. That’s not what I was asking though.
“No, I mean, why does everything feel so intense? Like when I’m hungry, I’m really hungry. When I’m tired, I’m really tired. When I’m happy I want to jump on the bed. When I’m sad, I want to cry forever. And this pee is the best pee of my life. Everything feels like the best anything of my life. Why?”
“Ah, I understand.” Kwarq is amused again. I bet he’s getting a real kick out of this. “It is because of our babies. You have the lehti’an, so you experience your needs as our children do, with no patience or understanding of restraint. Your hunger feels like it needs to be fulfilled immediately. Your happiness is unrestrained. Your sadness feels all-consuming. And even your pee is the best relief in the world.”
Hm. Makes sense in a weird, Lyqa way. A little twinge in my abdomen reminds me that I’m still peeing. I’d expect the pressure to lessen, but it actually feels like it’s getting more intense. My belly twinges again, but this time it feels more like a cramp. I must have been holding this for a very long time. I hope that I haven’t ruined my bladder.
“Geez, is this ever going to stop?” I mumble. A second later, the door swings open and Kwarq fills the doorway. I shriek, my hand slipping from its brace on the wall. My butt falls into the toilet just as a new gush of pee trickles out of me.
“I’m almost done. What are you doing? Wha—“
Kwarq isn’t listening. He’s sniffing the air with an expression that is getting more panicked by the second. He drags in a deep breath, and his eyes widen in horror.
“Something is not right.”
His words are punctuated by another large gush of liquid falling from me. Okay, that was kind of weird. I instinctively look between my legs and see that what I thought was pee is really a thick, milky liquid. It almost looks like…
“Is that your cum?”
I don’t have time to be shocked or grossed out. My first thought is that I’m totally going to kill Kwarq if his “care” of me included him doing me while I slept. That wouldn’t be Lyqa weird. That would just be universally weird and a deal breaker. Just the thought makes my skin crawl.
I don’t have time to question him, however, because he rushes forward and lifts me from the toilet.
“What are you doing?”
“No, no, no, no.”
He keeps saying this. He’s rushing me down the hall back to his bedroom. I realize my heart’s beating really fast, inhumanely fast. Then it hits me that it’s not my heart. It’s his heart that mine is beating in time to. He’s scared. It’s a new emotion from Kwarq, and it immediately fills me with terror. I take a moment to feel out my body. He said something was wrong, but I don’t feel different.
Kwarq
&
nbsp; I try to slow the beat of my heart, but the moment I scent the pungent odor of my and Amina’s fluids on the air, I know she is losing our babies. I try to keep my head calm, even as I’m almost engulfed by terror.
Engulfed. This is a good word for the panic that I feel, even now, clogging my throat and flooding my ears until they echo with a piercing ring. There is only one thing I can think of to stop this from happening. I quickly bring Amina to my bedroom. She hasn’t realized yet what’s occurring, and I’m thankful for this. Her confusion-based calm is probably the only thing that is slowing the progress of the expulsion.
I place her gently on the bed and begin to remove my clothes. When she sees me lift my shirt over my head, her eyes widen.
“What are you doing? What’s wrong with me?”
“You are expelling the fetuses, Amina.” I can barely get the words out. I feel like saying it out loud will seal it as our fate. “Maybe the progress is too fast for your body, but we can stop it, hopefully.”
As my words sink in, I feel the fear start to radiate off of her. I will myself to calm more. My calm will connect to her. I take a deep breath. I hope I am not too scared to help her.
“Shouldn’t we go the hospital? What can we do? Oh my god.”
Her voice shakes. She puts her hand down to her belly and cradles it. When her eyes rise to mine, they’re wet with tears. I ease onto the bed beside her and cover her hand with my own. I let my strength seep into her. We will both have to be strong in this moment. She will not understand, but this is our only option.
“I need to strengthen your womb. I am sorry, but this is the only way. We will not make it to the healing center in time.”
I push her back and move to cover her, but she braces her hands on my shoulders, her eyes going wide with alarm.
“Kwarq, you seriously want to fuck right now? I’m having a miscarriage. I need to go to the hospital!”
She pushes against me and at the same time tries to scramble away. The bed under my thigh is warm and wet with the liquid coming from her body.