My Insanity (The Insanity Series Book 1)

by Martin Länger

  Gigantic stone chippings were falling down from the sky with extreme speed, so fast that he thought they were meteors. One after another they impacted with huge eruptions before him, stapling themselves on top of each other in perfect formation. Their collisions tore the ground apart, and it felt like Gwyn was met by the abyss of his soul. Before he knew what had happened, an old cathedral, straight out of his school history books, with a colossal clockwork stood before him. On top of the hands of the clock, Delirias reappeared with crossed arms, looking down upon him.

  With every waking moment, the hands of the clock seemed to move forward, but also seemed like they weren't moving at all.

  “Our time is running out Gwyn if you continue to delude yourself. Are you sure there is no reason that I'm here? That you don’t deserve any of this? That the world is at fault?”

  “I know nothing anymore…” Gwyn whispered feeling ashamed and helpless. His whole body was shaking. He clawed his fingers into the ground until the pain got even worse than the feelings inside of him. The more Delirias talked to him, the more he could feel himself losing control. Everything seemed to be over until he felt a soft hand at his chin, which was carefully keeping his head up.

  “There is only one way out. A way without turning back. But you have to actively decide to walk on it,” spoke Delirias, holding his head up effortlessly with his fingertips. His green, sharp eyes were gazing into the brown eyes of Gwyn, focusing on the sheer amount of fright in his look. He couldn't handle it anymore.

  “Enough, please…” he begged under the tears that started swelling up.

  “NO! NO, NO, NO, GWYN! GWYN MY DEAR, WOULD YOU FINALLY START LISTENING?!” Delirias manically screamed into his face. His breathing and speech pattern became faster and faster.

  “If you want to accomplish something you have to face the scum of this world. Only then can we truly see our intentions as righteous, even if our delusions take control over us,” the fiercely looking aspect let out a sigh.

  “How many times have you asked yourself who you really are?! How many times have you asked yourself if others had asked themselves the same questions you had?! What is it that you wish? How many times did you feel like something wasn't right with the world? How many times have you asked yourself if you could be someone special too? What is your way? What is your answer? What can you do? Are we only here to be trapped in an endless spiral into nothingness? Is everything without purpose?” He threw his arms in the air once more, as if he were to speak to the heavens and yelled, “GWYN, SO TELL ME! SHALL WE SET THE WORLD ON FIRE FOR IMPRISONING US?!”

  Gwyn couldn't move a muscle. The young man was shaken to the core. His only wish was for all of this to end, even it meant his death. The next thing he heard was a loud explosion, followed by falling debris. Around him erupted rustling fire and helpless screams roamed through the air. They sounded like death screams. People giving their last breath, before disappearing forever. It was like he was kneeling in an endless, burned up wasteland.

  In the thunderous flames and hallucinations, there was only one thing he could clearly recognize. It was those snake-like, glittering eyes that followed him the whole day. No longer was he sure where he was. Gwyn heard the sounds of wires trapping flesh inside them until new screams could be heard. His mind painted him the utmost grotesque picture of cruelty and hatred. He wanted his heart to stop beating just so that all of this could finally stop.

  “I'm impressed that you managed to hold on for this long,” Delirias said while Gwyn started begging him to stop once more with his dried up eyes.

  “PLEASE, EVERYTHING... BUT STOP TALKING!” he shouted. Even pressing his hands with all his force against his ears didn't stop the voice of his aspect from reaching his mind. His eyes were swollen and burned out from the fire around them. Even if he wanted to, there were no more tears left inside for him to shed

  “I'm almost feeling pity for you, Gwyn, but running away is no longer an option,” Delirias spoke calmly.

  It was the first time Gwyn dared to raise his head after everything had blurred around him, but what he saw was out of this world.

  He was now kneeling under a black horizon with dark clouds above his head, which resounded with rolling thunder. Dim fields with their grass turned to gray were everywhere. Fire and craters were garnishing the landscape, while the air was thick and full of smoke, and smells of blood and sulfur engulfed his nostrils.

  “T-this is m-madness. W-what i-is h-happening?!” The fingers he had pressed against his ears were hastily adjusted to his mouth to keep him from vomiting.

  Delirias was overcome with joy. “Isn't it marvelous? I'm always amazed at how vastly different the imagination of someone else is.”

  The gray clouds above them were moving slowly across the land when eventually they started to rain ash particles down upon the unlikely duo, while they could still hear the screams resounding in the distance.

  “Chaos, huh? Not exactly what we need, but it's a good start,” Delirias said, as he turned back to his partner, smirking. “Say, you are a guy who likes to pound over stuff in his head. How do you see it?” The aspect seemed quite satisfied with himself.

  “Who's right, the majority or the minority? Should you live your life conform to the norm in a peaceful utopia, or should you fight social constructs with all that you have? Harming everyone for constructs that no one is really responsible for anymore in this day and age?” Delirias paused and gazed upon the sky, as even his black-green coat was blotched with ash particles.

  “I bet we could continue to argue like this for hours upon hours, but you really did put up a great fight, even if you don’t look like it,” he remarked, while Gwyn felt as if his head got split open by an axe and his brain torn out, thrown away in the gutter.

  As if his innards were just being ripped out of his body so that nothing more than a lifeless shell of his former self remained – a shell that just wouldn't' stop existing. Day in, day out, he lived by going with the flow. Without standing up to the answers to his questions, and now he was too afraid to even continue to ask them. In front of his inner eye, he found himself in a dark room with many illuminated vessels made of flesh. The structure resembling that of a plantation. Senseless and irritated he bumped into one of the vessels, seeing what was inside of them.

  Tiny little embryos, with even tinier black eyes, were squinting at him, twitching wildly as they laid eyes upon the young man. With a scream of terror, he fell backward and every vessel burst into a thousand little pieces. The sound of the vessels breaking was roaring through his bones, and a red-brownish liquid was starting to disgorge above him like a fountain.

  The last thing he remembered was his body going numb. His airway was shut tight, and he started gasping for air. Everything had turned to black, and his eyes started to close themselves. In his last moments, he saw Delirias with a malicious grin, standing in front of a giant metal gate. It was decorated with endless skulls, old, bashed-up banners, and thick, rusty chains, just like the ones around Delirias’ sleeves.

  The gigantic gate opened with a loud creak, and glistening light encompassed the aspect, whose silhouette was still embellished by his white grin.

  “What I'm giving you is a chance. A chance to begin anew. A chance to really make a change,” a voice echoed in Gwyn’s ears.

  He was about to lose consciousness, but there was one last thing he could make out. It was the words of Delirias that were still resounding deep inside of his soul.

  “Finally the fun part is about to begin. Prepare yourself! This party is about to get even crazier. Not even I know what lies beyond. So remember, dear Gwnny. The only one who can save you is yourself!”

  Chapter 6 – Reincarnation

  Wind, gently rustling, spread itself daintily and cautiously over wide fields. White meadows extend across distant hills, where on top of them, a young man finds himself, regaining his conscience. A shallow breeze lyrically embraces Gwyn’s face, as he slowly opens his eyes. “Ugh,”
he moaned, as he rubbed his aching head. “What the hell was that?! Somehow I don't feel very well,” he was left wondering.

  While slowly standing up, the last thing that he remembered flashed before his mind. Images of him and Delirias visiting The Blue Crayfish started coming up, but everything afterward was a blurry mess. Even while feeling irritated, he noticed the soft grass beneath his feet. Gwyn also seemed to have lost his coat, feeling somewhat naked, as he laid there in his pants and plain gray shirt. As he tried to get on his feet his eyes carefully adjusted themselves. Just as he was about to have a glimpse of his surroundings, he was almost hit by another shock. As if a dreamlike world had erupted from underneath him, he stood in a wide field with beautifully painted grass colored in a stainless white. Trees, coated in black, loomed in the distance, clashing with the contrast of the fields. Though their exceptional leafage remained white while brushing against the gentle force of the wind. A purplish sky, mixed with a slight, bright blue, towered soothingly above his head.

  “If I didn't know any better, I would say that I've died,” he thought to himself and looked around. The moment he wanted to turn around, he was already stopped in his tracks by something that locked eyes with him. Deep black, round pupils full of contrast were looking at him. He could even see his own reflection in the dark eyes. A strange, yet unique creature stood in front of him and was watching him mawkishly.

  It looked like some kind of deer to him, while also feeling thoroughly different. Its fur was made of a scale-like pattern, yet still covered with fine hair. Dazzled by this encounter, he thought that he would feel anxious and scared, but instead he was overcome by a sense of warmth and peace.

  There was no sign of danger, which is why he continued to watch the creature, seemingly enjoying the weirded out man in front of it. Everything but its black hooves, eyes, and nose were white, just like everything around them. On top of its head was a large antler with so many branches that it almost looked like a tree in and of itself. As unusual as their meeting was, Gwyn didn't want it to end. The deer-like creature also didn't seem to mind his presence and calmly moved onward, leaving Gwyn with the sight of its footsteps treading the white grass.

  “Well, I guess that closes the sight-seeing for now,” Gwyn proclaimed, as he watched the creature moving, continuing his own path into the opposite direction.

  “Where am I? And why don't I remember how I got here? And where is that little white-haired maniac?” He stressed himself, as he tried to piece the puzzle together. After what seemed like an hour to him, Gwyn gave up on aimlessly wandering around. Without remembering a thing, he leaned against one of the black trees and rested.

  “I don’t know what the heck is going on. Looks like even in death I'm purposeless, heh…” he smirked melancholically in his self-pity.

  “Purposeless are only those that stop making decisions,” the gentle voice of a woman suddenly spoke to Gwyn, as he almost fell over from the surprise, if it weren't for the log behind him.

  “Woah! Don't scare me like that!” he remarked in a knee-jerk reaction.

  “Excuse me, my child,” the feminine voice seemed apologetic. A petite, young lady started to reveal herself to him. She was dressed in nothing but a white-blue gown, with little ruchings embedded on it. No shoes, nothing, except for a small golden chain around her tender looking neck. On top of her small shoulders was an even smaller head, with pale, round cheeks, and big blue eyes. Likewise, she had big and puffy white-blue hair that reached over her shoulders.

  “Do we know each other?” Gwyn asked, but before the woman could even start to answer him, he already lifted his arms and continued. “Stop, stop. No! I can see it on your face – you don't even have to begin. I have enough of this nonsense! First a green man, then some sort of amnesia, and now this!” He brushed off his hands on his pants.

  “That is it for me. I'm done! Take care,” he bitched, as Gwyn placed his hands into the pockets of his pants, turning his back on her, and waving his arm in the air as if to say goodbye.

  “You seem to be quite sure of yourself, my child,” she said calmly.

  “Whatever you say lady – I'm sure someone else is interested in listening what you have to say,” he shouted, without looking back.

  “Well, if you are so certain, then I'm also sure that you know how to get out here as well,” she answered with a smile while the words hit Gwyn like a lightning bolt, prompting him to pause.

  “For Christ sake. I don't even… First, that weirdo that makes my hair stand up just thinking about him, and now this!” he muttered while marching back straightaway, without paying her any attention. Still, with his hands inside his pockets, he grunted, “Why do all of my illusions have to be such cunning, deceitful beasts. Unbelievable…”

  He arrived shortly after. Gwyn was making a pouted expression and sat down with crossed legs, right in front of the woman, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

  “I'm pleased that you decided to come back, my child,” she spoke with a little irony buried in her voice. “You can call me Joyce,” she introduced herself.

  “Yeah, yeah, I'm Gwyn. I'm pleased to, and so on, and so forth…” He rolled his eyes and pressed forward. “Listen up! I really don't have the time and patience to deal with you. It seems that my head gave up on me entirely, and now I'm imagining one thing after another,” Gwyn paused. “You don't seem as sinister as the last one, but enough is enough. I mea… OUCH!”

  A painful cry resounded from the white fields as Gwyn felt Joyce's knuckles raining down on the back of his head mid-sentence.

  “What was that for?!” he asked eagerly, rubbing yet again over his head.

  “Ahem,” she cleared her throat. “You seem to have calmed down, which pleases me.”

  “You hit me,” Gwyn moaned childlike.

  “There is no violence here, my child. You must be mistaken.”

  “Alright. We can have it your way if you want to,” Gwyn said while preparing to roll up the sleeves of his shirt, before feeling the touch of something cold and wet striving against his forearm. It was the odd creature from before, which fondly pressed his nose against his body as if he was trying to tell Gwyn to pet him.

  “Tz, alright then,” he seemed conciliated. “Joyce, right?! It seems like I'm trapped here anyway for as long as my imagination pleases. So, let's talk.”

  Gwyn leaned backward, supporting himself with his hands, while the creature rested his head on his lap, laying down with him.

  “A wise choice, my child,” Joyce seemed to be revitalized.

  “Let's start right there – Why are you calling me your child? That sounds very strange, even when it's coming from my own mind.”

  “So you really think I'm just a part of your imagination?” she argued.

  “Well, what else would explain any of this?”

  “You will learn that soon enough. Nothing is as obvious, as it seems at first glance,” she almost spoke absentmindedly.

  It didn't take long until Gwyn started to show interest, even though he didn't want to admit it in the slightest. Magnetized by what Joyce could possibly tell him, he caressed the fur of the creature on his lap which was looking at him with its round eyes in an enamored fashion.

  “Okay, whatever. I don't really care who is the child of whom. Though, please don't tell me we have to communicate in riddles. Because I thought the advantage of abstract thinking was about making something less complicated. Not the other way around.”

  Joyce sat down with them and stroked cautiously over the fur of the creature with her fingertips.

  “Unfortunately, we don't have enough time for that, but I will try my best. It's been a long time since any of my children have found their way to me. Please forgive me, if all of this sounds a little vague,” she seemed deeply concerned, as Gwyn demanded quick answers.

  “Then don't make it vague. I'm your child, at least, that's what you're claiming,” Gwyn objected.

  “That is not possible. You, as a human, have to find y
our own answers,” she said, making Gwyn raise his eyebrow in distrust.

  “Alright,” Joyce sighed. “Luckily there are a few things I'm allowed to tell you. Though, they may not be of any use to you.” She looked around them. “Everything you see here really exists. It's a good, and a bad sign, that you arrived here.”

  “That seems to happen more than occasionally in life,” he added.

  Joyce nodded with a small smirk.

  “If your soul weren’t searching for answers, then you would not be here. This place is the Nether. A plain existing between the reality you know, and that which is commonly known for humans as the subconsciousness. A place where almost no human has direct access to. It's the place where your innermost emotions, desires, secrets, and thoughts are banished to and arise from. It's the origin of your existence,” Gwyn started to nod desperately, since he felt overwhelmed and helpless. Feelings that he knew not being in control all too well.

  “But you humans shall never forget, your attempts are never truly in vain. I don't know how my sisters think about this matter after all this time, but I believe that there's always a choice. Even for you humans that are searching for their meaning in life, welcoming the unknown with open arms.”

  “So, you mean this is like a lucid dream or something, where you can actually 'experience' the subconscious?” Gwyn asked in awe and irritation at the same time.

  She halted and slowly opened her lips. “Maybe.” She gently closed her eyes and focused on Gwyn when she reopened them. “Getting to know yourself is one of the most fundamental experiences in life. I hope I don't have to lecture you on that.”

  “Heh,” Gwyn smiled awry as if he was preparing to stand up. “So, what's next?!”

  “Listen up good. Time is short my child. It's just like life itself. Nobody can give the right answer to you, except yourself. You have to go your own way and reach your own goals – as painful as that sounds. That you were able to reach me shows your potential, which is why I believe in you with all of my heart,” she said with her soothing voice, getting up, and patting him on the shoulders.