The Undead That Saved Christmas Vol. 2

by ed. Lyle Perez-Tinics

After a few drinks, Barthy nervously asked, “So, why doesn’t Nightshade interact with the teams much? He seemed like a great guy at first, but once I got here he’s been a jerk around the barracks - when he’s even there at all.”

  “Nobody’s told you about him?“exclaimed Vonsan. “He’s one messed up elf.”

  “Stow it, Vonsan, that’s a high ranking officer you are talking about, “ Nimar barked. “Nightshade is a good commander, a good elf, he’s been in the SAC longer than all of us put together. You can’t blame the guy for not wanting to get close to the teams after what happened.”

  “Seriously guys, what’s the story about Nightshade?” asked Barthy.

  “Just remember kid, you asked for it,“ started Nimar. “It was the late sixties. Nightshade was a squad leader back then and he was on point as Santa and the reindeer team entered Louisville, Kentucky airspace.”

  As Nimar continued her story, the rest of the bar grew quiet. “The particular night in question was a bad night weather-wise and the entire SAC was on edge. As Santa guided his team to a home in one of the suburbs of Louisville, Nightshade and his squad took their positions on the roof to monitor activities.

  “Santa entered the home quietly and went about his task. After several tense moments, Nightshade had a feeling of dread as the big guy was late returning to the roof. He knew he’d have to send in the team to investigate. The squad rappelled down the chimney and saw what they thought was the worst sight imaginable. Santa’s hat was hanging on the rough edge of a brick in the chimney; he must have lost it on the way into the house.

  “Once into the family room, the scene got worse. The first hint of disaster was the bloody dog bed in the corner of the room. The team knew they had to contain Santa in the house and not spread the danger to the rest of the neighborhood and beyond.

  “Nightshade, who remained on the roof to monitor the team’s radio traffic and to coordinate the efforts, was reminding his team to capture Santa and be careful not to put him down with a headshot when the screams started on the radio. Nightshade was frozen in fear as he listened to members of his squad being attacked by the family members who Santa had already turned into zombies

  “Nightshade finally sprang into action by calling for a backup squad before jumping down the chimney into the hell that was the living, grabbing Santa’s hat on the way down.

  “Once in the room, Nightshade was lucky as the residents were still feasting on his team of elves and didn’t notice him. He quickly ended their afterlives with precision shots between the eyes. Once the last one fell, the backup squad entered the room and Nightshade ordered them to make sure none of his squad members reanimated and then he went after St. Nick himself.

  “Santa had made it onto a screened in porch at the rear of the house when Nightshade caught up to him. Instead of attacking Nightshade, Santa turned and crashed through the back door and into the yard. Nightshade took a couple of running steps out that direction when the half eaten remains of the family dog rushed at him. In one motion, Nightshade deflected the dog’s attack.

  Following Santa into the yard, Nightshade caught a glimpse of the dog out of the corner of his eye and tossed his candy cane boomerang at the mutt. The sound of its yelp was heard when the cane met it target. Nightshade then returned his focus on finding zombie Santa. Luckily for everyone involved, Santa had gotten himself tangled up in the family clothes line and was easy to subdue.

  After the dust settled, the clean-up crew went to work on the house, cleaning up the bodies and staging an electrical short in the family’s Christmas tree that would take care of all the evidence and keep the public in the dark about the real Santa. They also confirmed that the rest of Nightshade’s squad had been wiped out.

  Nightshade asked the clean-up team to retrieve the family dog from the backyard and make sure it was in the house when the fire started. The team informed him that they killed the dog on the porch just as it was ready to attack Nightshade for a second time. If that was true, what did he hit with his candy cane boomerang out in the yard?

  Investigating outside revealed that the cane had taken out the neighbor’s dog, who had just been let out by his young owner after barking at the noise from next door. The boy was found outside in a state of shock, not moving or talking. The elves rushed over the boy and tried to console him. They determined that the dog only had a broken leg and was just unconscious. They convinced the lad that all this was a dream and that his dog fell off the bed and hurt himself.

  The boy accepted story and clean up continued. Nightshade had to bury his entire squad – the parts that were left - and live with the guilt that he hadn’t reacted fast enough to save them. To this day, Nightshade doesn’t get too close to the members of Santa’s SAC anymore.

  Once Nimar finished the story, Vonsan piped in, “You know, the story didn’t end there…”

  “What do you mean? That was horrible for Nightshade. What else could have happened?“ responded Barthy.

  “Well, several years later, the boy grew into a young man that kept going to mall Santas telling them he knew their secret and he was going to expose them, “ Vonsan continued. “As Santa’s helpers, these assistants reported back to the North Pole saying that this kid was going to expose them for not being the real Santa, but of course they didn’t know the real story.”

  “A little investigation by the Naughty or Nice team quickly matched this guy up with the one that boy witnessed the Louisville incident.” added Nimar. “Nightshade and a small team of elves were sent to talk with the young man, who was writing a story about the entire incident in hopes of making it into a movie someday - can you believe it?”

  “Well, what happened?” said Barthy.

  “Young Danny O’Bannon was convinced to drop the Santa angle on the Louisville incident. In return, he asked Santa’s Creative Department for assistance with rewriting the story into a screenplay,” continued Nimar.

  “While the idea team usually focuses on creating Christmas carols and TV specials, they’re always up for a challenge. They met with Daniel and suggested he based his screenplay on another zombie film and the rest is history,” responded Nimar.

  Vonsan added, “Don’t forget what happened to Nightshade. He was punished - removed from his squad and given a desk job in recruiting. He kept his Commander title, but he doesn’t have a squad to command.”

  “Poor bastard,“ sighed Nimar.

  * * *

  Training resumed the next day as Barthy learned how to pilot the resupply ship. This pilot role would be his cover that the other elves at the North Pole would assume was his only job. At every turn in their training, secrecy was stressed to the team. Most elves would not want to work for someone they feared would eat them any chance he could get.

  As Barthy was leaving the resupply ship simulator, he ran right into Nightshade, spilling the paperwork that the commander was holding.

  “Sorry sir,“ Barthy said as he helped Nightshade back to his feet. “I didn’t see you, it’s my fault.”

  Nightshade looked at Barthy, “You should be more careful and watch where you are going.”

  As Barthy helped Nightshade pick up the paperwork, Barthy noticed several of the pages referenced this year’s flight plan for Santa and the pre-flight checklist. But what really caught the young elf’s attention was the folder marked “Mrs. Claus: Personal”. Nightshade quickly snatched the pieces of paper Barthy held in his hand before Barthy could get a better look at them.

  “Son, this stuff isn’t for you. Forget you saw any of this. Report to your squad leader at once and await instructions. That’s an order.” barked Nightshade.

  “Sir, yes, sir” replied Barthy as left Nightshade to pick up the rest of the papers.

  Barthy returned to his squad and found Nimar.

  “Reporting as ordered!” barked Barthy.

  “I didn’t request you Barthy, what are you doing here?” quizzed Nimar.

  “Nightshade told me to report to you. I ran into him as I
left the simulator lab and caused him to spill all his paperwork.” Barthy replied.

  “Oh, I see. Well then, since I don’t have anything I need you to do, I’d like you to return to the simulator lab, your early test scores could use some improvement.

  “Ma’am, yes, Ma’am! I’m on my way,” responded Barthy.

  * * *

  The morning of December 23 started like any other morning at the North Pole. The SAC squads were up early for calisthenics, the reindeer support team was in the stable delivering the morning meal and the elves in the toy workshop were putting finishing touches on this year’s delivery. What most of the elves didn’t notice was someone moving in the shadows, someone inching closer and closer to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

  The Angels were stationed around the small home of Santa, keeping watch over him and the surrounding landscape. Calvain, the leader of the Angel Squad, was stationed near the main entrance. As the mysterious figure approached, Calvain’s cell phone rang.

  Calvain removed the phone from its holster and answered, “Go for Calvain.”

  “This is SAC control, we’ve got an unidentified threat in the reindeer barn that we need you to check out,” came the reply.

  “Right, we’re on it,” Calvain said just before he returned the phone to his belt. “Angel Squad, we’ve got an unidentified in the reindeer barn. Renque, you stay and watch the house, rest of the squad move out.”

  As the Angel Squad moved out, the person in the shadows smiled.

  “Those bastards will never know what hit them,” whispered Nightshade as he snuck out of the tree line and approached Renque from the rear.

  As he closed upon Renque, he drew his cane boomerang and took aim at the guard’s head. With great skill Nightshade took out Renque with ease and dragged his lifeless body into the home of Santa Claus.

  “What is going on, Nightshade? What happened to Renque?” said Santa.

  “The same thing that is going to happen to most of the elves, you fat bastard, now sit down and shut up!” yelled Nightshade as he drew his service revolver and aimed it at the jolly couple.

  Mrs. Claus attempted to reach under the sofa where the box with her wand was kept.

  “Not so fast Pelham! Remove the box slowly from under the couch and hand it to me or I’ll spray Santa’s brains all over your nice clean room. See, I read your file - I know you are powerless without the wand!”

  Pelham, not wanting to see her husband hurt, did exactly what she was asked.

  “What is the meaning of this, Nightshade? You are one of my most trusted elves!”

  “Bullshit, Santa! I’ve had it with the games you’ve played with me over the years. I deserved to be in the Angels! Everyone in the SAC knows it!” screamed Nightshade. “Now I’m going to have my revenge on the entire North Pole.”

  Nightshade grabbed Santa’s arm, and in one fluid motion removed his magical hat and kicked him out the front door, locking himself and Mrs. Claus inside.

  When the alarm sounded in the SAC barracks, most of the team thought it was a drill. Santa was safe with the Angels at his home and maybe they weren’t as quick to organize as they should have been. There were reports of a problem on the toy line, but no specific details were available.

  The first team to arrive at the toy line was the Cookie Squad. What they walked into could only be described as Christmas hell. Several of the lines were completely smashed, much of the machinery was ablaze and wrapping paper was strewn all around. What worried the squad the most was the blood. Then they heard the growling as a pack of zombified toy line elves encircled the Cookie Squad.

  The team panicked and began to fire in all directions, forgetting most of their basic training when they saw their own kind advancing. Many of the shots hit the zombie elves in the torso or legs, but didn’t stop them. The Cookies were quickly consumed by the undead elves in a blood bath. Luckily for the rest of the SAC, one of the Cookies was able to radio back to command the extent of the emergency before he died.

  Back in SAC HQ, Barthy, Nimar and the rest of the Eggnog Squad listened to the last transmission from the Cookies, not believing what this meant. Zombies at the North Pole could only mean that Santa was hatless and the Angels had failed.

  Asathal was the first to speak, “What happened to the Angels? Can we raise them on the horn?”

  Nimar, one step ahead of Asathal, was already dialing the number on her cell. Her speaker came to life with Calvain’s traditional answer, but before he could finish a loud explosion was heard and the phone line cut off.

  Ervan blurted out, “Oh crap, not good man, not good.”

  The main SAC HQ line began to ring and Nimar answered.

  A sinister voice came from the phone. “Did the Angel Squad just earn its halos?” Nimar recognized the voice and could not believe who it was.

  “Nightshade? Is that you? What is going on?!” screamed Nimar into the phone. The rest of the Eggnog team looked at each other in puzzlement.

  “That’s right, SAC, it’s Nightshade. Your call to the Angels triggered a little surprise package for them. You better stay out of my way or I might unleash more surprises. Besides, I’ve got the hat and I’ve got Mrs. Claus. The day of atonement is at hand at the North Pole!” Nightshade chanted into the phone and then he was gone, replaced by a dial tone.

  “Was that really Nightshade?” a meek voice was heard from the doorway to the SAC, “Please tell me that wasn’t him.”

  “Identify yourself elf,” ordered Asathal.

  “Private Ladre, communications officer. You gotta believe, he made me do it, I thought it was just a joke.”

  “What are you talking about, Ladre? Who made you do what?” asked Nimar.

  Ladre took a deep breath, sighed and said, “Nightshade said he wanted to play a joke on the Angels and ordered me to call Calvain and get him to the reindeer barn on a wild goose chase.”

  “That son of a bitch,“ Malik said, “Let’s go kick some elven ass”

  “Stow that rage, elf! We need a plan,“ responded Nimar, “Malik, you and Asathal go wake up Mistletoe and Stocking Squads and clean out the toy line. Barthy, Ervan and I will get Gingerbread Squad and head over to Santa’s house to try to reason with Nightshade – we’ve got to get the hat back!”

  Barthy spoke quickly, “I think I should make a stop at the Toy Maker’s workshop. I’ll meet you as soon as I can at Santa’s house.”

  Twenty minutes later Nimar and the Gingerbread Squad had surrounded Santa’s home and were attempting to engage Nightshade in conversation.

  “Nightshade!”Nimar’s voice sounded from the bullhorn, “This is Nimar! We have the house surrounded. All we want is for this to end peacefully.”

  One of the front windows to the house shattered and bullets sprayed the front yard. Members of the Gingerbread Squad dove for cover.

  “Well that makes one of us, “yelled Nightshade from the home after his barrage ended, “You’ll have to come and get me!”

  “Can’t we talk this out Nightshade? Haven’t enough elves lost their lives today?” responded Nimar.

  “Not even close, “ screamed Nighshade. “It won’t be over until all of the SAC understands that I should have been promoted. I should have been an Angel!”

  Ervan slid over to Nimar’s position.

  “He’s gone over,“ said Ervan, “he’s flipped his lid. We can’t bargain with him in this state.”

  “I know, but we must try to calm him down and get control of this situation. We must end this bloodshed.”

  Nimar’s cell buzzed.

  “This is Nimar, go! “ answered the elf.

  “Stocking Squad commander Kaspar here,“ came over the phone. “Toy line has been cleared. Remaining elf zombies have been put down. No sign of the big guy. Reports of him heading to reindeer barn. Moving to investigate.”

  “Thanks for the update, keep me posted. Over and out,“ Nimar answered as she hung up her phone.

  “That’s good news,“ said Ervan. �
�But where the hell is Barthy?”

  “I don’t know, Ervan, I just don’t know.”

  Another round of gunfire erupted from inside the home. This time the Gingerbread Squad wasn’t so lucky as a couple of its members were hit.

  “Nightshade,” came Nimar’s voice from the bullhorn again, “stop your shooting and tell us what you want us to do to end this standoff.”

  Nightshade was quick to respond this time. “I want you guys to back off the house first. Once you have done that, me and Mrs. Claus are going to take a little ride in the sleigh to someplace warm. Once I’m airborne, I’ll drop the hat in the center of town and you can get your precious Santa back.”

  “You know I’m not authorized to make that deal with you,“ responded Nimar.

  “Bullshit! I’m authorizing you. Me! The one who should be in command here! The one who should have been given his rightful place on the Angel Squad! The one who has risked his fucking neck for you guys! Me! Me! Me!”

  A loud crash came from behind Nightshade inside the house. In a blur of teeth and red felt, Santa came crashing through one of the side windows between Nightshade and Mrs. Claus.

  Nightshade turned and tried to fire at the zombie elf rushing at him, but he was too slow. Santa rushed the elf and pinned him against a wall, knocking his weapon from his hands. Gasping for breath Nightshade began to beg for his life and dig in his pocket as the same time.

  “Santa, no!” screamed Nightshade, “I’ve got your hat right here.” With that, the elf placed the hat upon Santa’s head. Nothing happened. The zombie Santa smiled a very evil grin with blood dripping from his beard.

  “You don’t get off that easy,“ growled Santa as he punched Nightshade square in the jaw.

  Nightshade fell in a heap near the front door, dropping Pelham’s wand in the process.

  “Santa, where did you gain that strength from - and your voice, something is wrong with your voice . . .ont Nightshade continued to ramble and then lost consciousness.

  Pelham dropped to the floor to search for her wand, and as Santa turned toward her, she screamed in fear. The zombie reached up and removed his head revealing Barthy inside the Santa suit.