[2012] The Seven Steps to Closure

by Donna Joy Usher

  I was ready to give her up when Mum arrived and we took her down and buried her in the little garden behind the apartment building. Mum had brought a lasagne with her and homemade garlic bread, as well as my copy of Breaking Dawn.

  ‘Enjoy it?’ I asked, as I whipped up a salad to go with the lasagne.

  ‘Loved it so much I read it three times. It drove your father crazy. He couldn’t get a word out of me for a week.’

  I noticed a mosquito-netting covered bowl, full of water, with a little plant floating in it. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Oh sorry love, it’s the best I could do at short notice.’

  Curiously I went over to look at the bowl. Lying in the roots of the water plant was a bright blue fighting fish. I tapped the side of the bowl to see if he was alive. His tail made the smallest of movements.

  ‘What’s with the netting?’ I asked.

  ‘Mmmmm, well he’s suicidal. It’s to stop him jumping out.’

  I started laughing. ‘You brought me a suicidal fighting fish? Oh Mum – that’s too good.’

  ‘Well, as I said darling, it was the best I could do and I didn’t want to leave you alone when I left tomorrow.’

  ‘Thanks Mum.’ I kissed her on the cheek and then wandered back to have another look at him. ‘He does look a little blue,’ I joked. ‘What do I feed him?’

  ‘Oh, almost forgot.’ She pulled a container of fish pellets out of her bag. ‘Give him two of these a day. That’s all you need to do.’

  I had to admit when I went to bed that night, it felt nice knowing when Mum left the next day there would be another living thing in my apartment. It was a sad state of affairs that the best I could do was a suicidal fighting fish.

  * * *

  Elaine had told me to keep tonight free and had rung last night with the details of my next internet date. I had thought about refusing to go, but it was the night of the election and I was eager to go out.

  I had learnt my lesson and this time I met Bob – my date – at a pub in town. And no, he wasn’t a builder, he was a lawyer. (I had cracked a bit of a spack about that to Elaine, who had coolly informed me that there were thousands of lawyers in Sydney and to calm down because it was, after all, just sex.)

  He was a nice enough looking man. Didn’t seem to be a slob and made no lecherous comments within the first 10 minutes. So far the man was in the running for an internet dating gold star. Easy to talk to, good sense of humour: the evening might not be that bad after all.

  The trouble started when the bartender changed the huge sports screen over to the election. ‘Oh boy, I’m hungry. Do you want to go and get something to eat?’ I asked eagerly, in an attempt to get away from the T.V.

  ‘Do you mind if we have another drink first?’ he asked. ‘I wouldn’t mind seeing some of this.’

  When he came back from the bar with another beer for himself and a cider for me, he also bought back a packet of chips. ‘Here you go,’ he said kindly.

  And that is where we stayed. It would have been far less painful to watch it at home on my tiny television. But no, I had to watch it on the world’s biggest screen, and hear everyone in the bar talking about it. I was elated to overhear someone bagging Jake, but that one brave person was booed down by the now sizeable crowd in the pub.

  Shit, I thought, he might actually win this thing.

  We were onto our fourth round of drinks and my third packet of chips when it happened. A picture of him and Tash appeared on the screen looking very pleased with themselves. But that wasn’t what happened. I was used to the old kick-in-the-gut from seeing the two of them in the media. No, this was an unexpected blow that I didn’t even see coming. Silly me.

  ‘God,’ said Bob, ‘isn’t she something?’ He looked at me and nodded his head at Tash’s smiling face. She looked stunning in a two piece red suit; her golden hair coiled on top of her head, her dentally enhanced smile gleaming in the lights.

  ‘Mmm yes, she certainly is,’ I replied. But my answer was layered with so many undertones that a slightly sensitive person – or maybe just a sober person – would have noticed and asked me what was wrong.

  But no, Bob the Bludgeoner just kept right on going.

  ‘Yeah he certainly is a lucky guy. God, did you see the chick he was with before this? Man, in comparison, she was a dragon. Apparently they’re related, but I can’t see it.’

  ‘Really?’ I said stiffly. ‘Some people might think she is attractive.’

  ‘Yeah, some people who are fuck-ugly themselves might.’ He guffawed so hard he snorted beer up into his nose. ‘Yes siree,’ he continued when he had recovered from his coughing attack, ‘she was whacked with the ugly stick when she was born. Not that Tash though. Nope, God certainly loves her.’

  ‘What photo did you see?’ I asked.

  ‘What?’

  ‘What photo of his ex did you see?’

  ‘No photo, I was at their wedding.’

  I stared at him in disbelief. ‘The wedding?’

  ‘Yeah, that Tash was one of the bridesmaids. Can you believe it? I wonder if he was banging her way back then.’

  I had died a thousand deaths before that, but this was a new agony. To be given a total bagging by a stranger who was at my wedding was another type of torture entirely.

  I stared at him harder. ‘The cloakroom,’ I said.

  ‘Pardon.’

  ‘You made out in the cloakroom.’

  ‘Hey, how’d you know about that?’ He puffed up with pride. ‘Were you there?’

  ‘Yep I was,’ I said, as I stood up and grabbed my bag. ‘You would have seen me; I was a bit hard to miss. I was the one all in white.’

  I had the smallest of pleasures in seeing the shock register on his face before I stalked out of the pub and into the pouring rain.

  He followed me to the door of the pub apologising all the way. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to be funny,’ he yelled after me.

  I held one finger up in the air over my shoulder.

  ‘I think you’re very pretty too,’ I heard him holler.

  I kept on walking. There was no way I was going back to that. It was far too humiliating.

  By the time I got home my hair was drenched, my clothes were soaked, but it was the feel of my tears mingling with the rain on my face that was the most unpleasant.

  I flicked on the television, and while I stood dripping all over my rug, had the great pleasure of watching Tash and Jake hug and kiss, and Uncle Edward formally shake Jake’s hand while it was decreed that he had won the election.

  Poo.

  I had an urge to shriek and jump up and down like a small child. In the end I decided to sulk in a much more adult fashion. I grabbed a bottle of chilled wine, stuck it in an ice bucket and ran a bath. Then I proceeded to get myself a little drunk while I soaked in the bath and tried not to imagine myself by Jake’s side while he was declared Lord Mayor of Sydney.

  * * *

  ‘I’m not doing any more stupid internet dates,’ I said to Elaine as we walked to pole dancing.

  ‘Yes you are.’

  ‘No I’m not. If I want to get abused, I’ll get Mum to bring back Cocky.’

  ‘What happened to Cocky?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, Mum sorted it out with Esme – the old lady. Told her what he’d been saying. Esme was horrified and handed him over and Mum replaced him with a parrot. You should see this thing. It’s huge and it sits on her shoulder when she goes for her daily walk.’

  ‘So how did your Mum get Esme to hear her?’

  ‘She took a notepad and wrote on it,’ I admitted, a little embarrassed I hadn’t thought of it myself.

  Truth be told I was a little miffed at Mum. I get a suicidal fighting fish – who was hanging in there by the way – and the old lady next door gets this cool parrot. When I had asked Mum why I couldn’t have the parrot, she had told me to stop acting like a spoilt child and I couldn’t have the parrot because I would just end up killing it. I didn�
�t think that was a very fair statement: so far only one out of my pets had actually died, and I didn’t kill her, she made a poor judgement call in the heat of the moment.

  ‘Anyway no more dates,’ I said emphatically.

  Elaine stopped walking to face me. Oops, I might have pushed her too far.

  ‘Come on,’ I said, trying to distract her, ‘we’ll be late for pole dancing.’

  ‘Firstly – we are 20 minutes early for dancing, and secondly – you are going on another date in five days. It’s all arranged. He’s taking you out for dinner at Darling Harbour.’

  ‘Yes Mum,’ I mumbled under my breath. I amused myself by scuffing my feet the rest of the way to class, which I knew really pissed Elaine off.

  It was our third lesson and tonight we were learning something more difficult.

  ‘All right ladies,’ said our teacher, ‘we are going to learn how to sit on the pole.’

  That sounded ominous. How do you sit on a pole?

  The answer to that – I learnt over the next 45 minutes – is very painfully. You pull yourself up the pole, wrap the top of your thighs around it and then let them take your weight. It’s a Chinese burn where no woman should ever have a Chinese burn, and was the most intimate I’d been with anything for the last 14 months. Our teacher promised us that with time it wouldn’t hurt – I was pretty dubious about that.

  After class we showered and headed out to meet Dinah and a few friends at Bar Blue for drinks. Tristan was going to be there so I had taken extra time doing my hair. I didn’t feel like a lecture from a gay prima donna.

  I hadn’t been to Bar Blue before and had heard a lot about the decor. There were huge, blue mood lamps everywhere, including the wall behind the bar. It was mesmerising. You didn’t mind having to wait to order your drink as you stared at the big blue globules breaking from the main body and floating up the wall.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re going tomorrow,’ I said to Dinah. She was practically glowing with excitement.

  ‘Me neither. Thanks for all your help this week.’

  ‘No probs, what are friends and employees for.’ I laughed. ‘Hey did you hear anything from Creepy Doug?’

  ‘He sent me a text which I didn’t open. I just couldn’t be bothered listening to his bullshit any more.’

  ‘So you’re totally over him?’

  ‘Let’s just say when I think about kissing him I feel sick.’

  ‘Kiss him? Is that all you used to do?’

  ‘Urrhhh. Stop it. I’m trying to forget about everything else.’

  Tristan sidled up to me and nudged me in the ribs. ‘Who is that?’ he asked in awe, looking at Ricardo.

  ‘Ohhh. That’s Nat’s new man,’ I replied.

  ‘Ricardo, the cleaner?’

  ‘The very one.’

  ‘Check him out. I’ve got to get myself a new cleaner.’ Tristan gave him an appreciative look up and down. ‘I think I might go say hello.’

  ‘Good luck, he’s definitely straight.’

  ‘There’s no such thing as a definitely straight man,’ he said.

  ‘You always were an optimist,’ said Elaine joining us.

  We watched him saunter over to Ricardo and introduce himself.

  ‘He’s such a slut,’ said Elaine, watching Tristan run his hands through Ricardo’s hair. ‘Look he’s giving him a hair consultation.’

  Tristan flicked us a wink as Nat – looking extremely amused – came over to our group.

  ‘You do know my brother is trying to seduce your date?’ said Elaine.

  ‘Yep.’ Nat took a sip of her drink.

  ‘How’s it going?’ I asked.

  ‘Great. Sorry don’t mean to sound smug or anything.’

  ‘Not smug, just happy. I’m pleased for you.’

  ‘Thanks luv,’ she replied, nudging me with her elbow.

  It wasn’t a late night as Dinah had an early flight the next morning. David had offered to drive her to the airport, for which I was grateful as I was looking forward to a sleep in.

  Fishy Fishy was still alive when I got home, so I decreed it had been a successful day and I went to sleep happy.

  * * *

  The harsh ringing of my phone woke me early the next morning. ‘So much for my sleep in,’ I grumbled as I reached out one hand to answer it.

  It was Elaine. ‘Oh good you’re awake,’ she said.

  ‘Of course I’m awake. The phone is right next to my bed. Who could sleep through that?’

  There was silence on the other end.

  ‘Elaine?’ I queried.

  ‘Tara?’ For the first time since I’d met her she sounded uncertain.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I need a favour.’

  Now I was intrigued. I sat up in bed and gave her at least 80 percent of my full attention. The rest was peering into the lounge to see if Fishy Fishy had made it through the night. I was judging the quality of my day now by whether or not my suicidal fighting fish was still alive. Great. Mind you I’d had no indication that he was actually suicidal. Depressed, yes, but hell, who didn’t have a little depression in their lives occasionally? But suicidal? Well that was another kettle of fish, quite literally, entirely.

  I snapped back to the present. ‘Right, a favour,’ I said.

  ‘I need you to come dress shopping with me today.’

  ‘Elaine, if you want me to go shopping with you there is no need to call in any favours. What’s the special occasion? Another date?’

  ‘I’ll pick you up in 45 minutes and explain over breakfast. My shout.’

  I peered blearily at my bedside clock, trying to work out if I was looking at an 8 or a 9. Ah, what the hell – it was a free breakfast. ‘Sure,’ I mumbled as I swung my legs out of bed. ‘See you in 45.’

  I was ready and craving good coffee by the time Elaine arrived. We settled in at Café Mud and I ordered the breakfast works while Elaine asked for a bowl of muesli.

  ‘Muesli?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not that hungry.’

  Unfortunately at that precise moment Elaine’s stomach released a grumble of epic proportions. I realised I hadn’t seen Elaine eat much for a couple of weeks.

  ‘Dieting?’ I asked.

  ‘Sort of,’ she replied sheepishly.

  ‘Why on earth? You’re gorgeous.’

  ‘I just need to look my best.’

  I sighed. So it was going to be like that – me having to pry information out of Elaine bit by bit until I finally got to the bottom of this mystery.

  ‘All right, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘You obviously have something you haven’t told anybody before, but you want to tell me now, and you have no idea how to begin. So why don’t you just start at the beginning.’

  ‘My 20 year school reunion is in 2 weeks,’ she finally admitted.

  I looked at her waiting for the rest. When nothing else was forthcoming I said, ‘Well that, in itself, is obviously not the reason for your secretive behaviour.’

  ‘There’s a guy I went to school with that might be there, and I just want to look my best, all right? No secrets.’

  Stunned, I stared at her. ‘A guy, your own age, you haven’t seen for twenty years, and you just want to look your best?’ I asked.

  ‘Not quite 20 years, I ran into him about eighteen years ago at a restaurant.’

  ‘And you haven’t seen him since?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘A guy your own age?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said a little tersely.

  ‘All right so who is this masked man?’ I asked when I had gotten over my shock.

  ‘Robert Walters.’

  ‘What does he do? Where does he live? Is he married?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She sounded agitated. ‘Well, I heard a rumour that he was still single, but apart from that I’m not entirely sure. He did engineering after school.’ She paused, staring into the past, a look of pain on he
r face. ‘All right, if you want all the sordid and gory details, he broke my heart. I fell for him really hard and he cast me aside. I let him think that I didn’t give a shit,’ she said proudly, ‘but I cried myself to sleep every night for a year.’

  ‘And then what happened?’ I was fascinated by this side of Elaine. A fragile Elaine. An Elaine I had never met.

  ‘And then school finished and we all went our separate ways.’

  ‘And you still hold a flame for this guy?’

  ‘Well not exactly a flame.’

  ‘You’ve hardly eaten for 2 weeks, we’re going to buy a special dress so you look nice when you see him, and you’re blushing. I’d say that’s a flame of some sort.’

  ‘Well let’s just say I’ve always wondered what would happen if we met again as adults,’ she said wistfully.

  Our coffees arrived and I thought about what she had said, as I stirred in my sugar and took a sip. ‘You didn’t see him at the last school reunion?’ I finally asked.

  ‘He wasn’t there.’ She took a sip from her own cup and sighed.

  ‘And you’ve waited another, what 5, 10 years to see him?’

  ‘Ten years.’

  I stopped asking questions while I devoured my breakfast. Elaine eyed off my eggs and bacon wistfully while she nibbled on her muesli. When I had finished, I fed my bacon scraps to Benny – who was waiting patiently in Elaine’s bag – and then restarted the interrogation.

  ‘Why didn’t you ever contact him? I asked.

  ‘That would have appeared desperate and needy. You know how much I like to appear desperate and needy.’

  ‘You don’t have a desperate or needy bone in your body. That’s one of the saddest stories I’ve ever heard.’

  ‘Let’s hope it’s going to become one of the most romantic stories you’ve ever heard.’ She moved Benny to one side while she dug around for her wallet and then handed some money to the waiter.

  ‘You’ve spent your whole adult life waiting to meet up with this guy again. Is that why you only ever date much younger men?’ I asked.

  She looked thoughtful while she finished her coffee. ‘I’ve never put much stock in that mumbo, jumbo, psychobabble crap. Who the hell really knows why we do anything,’ she eventually said. ‘Come on.’ She stood up and grabbed her bag. ‘Let’s go shopping.’