Changing Forever

by Lisa De Jong

  “Not yet,” Gavin says as he walks away with a smirk on his face.

  Drake and I are about as likely as world peace. He’s starting to show me he’s a good guy, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not my type. Even if he was, I’m not interested in dating right now.

  When I turn my attention back to Drake, he seems to be running Gavin’s comments in his head, too, because his eyebrows are pinched together as he looks back at me.

  “Ignore him,” he mumbles, running his fingers through his hair. His head tilts to the side as he considers me carefully.

  “I think you’ve told me that twice now when Gavin’s involved,” I say, biting on my lower lip. The way he looks at me has me shifting on my feet. Things didn’t feel so uncomfortable when Gavin was with us.

  “Just making sure you understand.”

  “Loud and clear,” I say, scanning the packed bar for any sign of Kate and Beau. I spot them playing two tables away with Eric. “I should probably go back over there.”

  He nods, his lips turning up at one side. “Signal me if you need me to fly over and save you again.”

  “I can handle it,” I say, walking back a couple steps.

  “We’ll see.”

  After a few more steps, I turn back around. “Does this take the place of a football lesson?”

  One corner of his mouth quirks. “Not even close. We didn’t even touch on tackling.”

  Smiling, I go back to join the others, dreading having to hang out with Eric. As I assumed it would, the awkwardness returns. Eric and I are definitely not going anywhere. I mean, just holding a conversation with him is harder than any calculus test I’ve ever taken.

  At one point I consider going back over to help Drake, but change my mind when I notice the hands of a skinny blonde on his chest. An odd sensation fills my chest, but I don’t know why; she’s exactly the type of girl I pictured him with. I’m not that girl. He probably wouldn’t even give me the time of day if it weren’t for our project.

  “Emery, are you awake?”

  I rub my eyes, but when I try to open them, the room is too bright with morning sun peeking through the curtains. Why is she waking me up on a Saturday? “Kinda.”

  “Well, hurry up. I’m dying to talk about last night.”

  Rolling on my back, I throw my arm over my eyes to keep the harsh light out. Last night, after one brutally awkward game of pool with Eric, he offered to take me home. My initial reaction was to tell him no, but Kate and Beau weren’t ready to leave, and I couldn’t stomach another round of pool, or should I say, another hour with Eric. So I accepted, and endured exactly thirteen minutes in the car with him. I know because I watched every freaking minute tick by. It was painful, but still better than the alternative.

  I even thwarted his attempt to kiss me by telling him I wasn’t feeling well. Now that I think about it, I owe Kate big time … and not in a good way.

  “You know, I should have gotten up earlier and thrown a bucket of cold water on your head,” I say, peeking over at her from under my arm.

  She laughs. “So, I didn’t make a love connection?”

  “No! Not even close. What the heck were you thinking?” I prop myself up on my elbows, shooting daggers with my eyes. It doesn’t bother her at all, though. She’s having a good time with this.

  “I’d never met him before, and Beau said he was really smart. It sounded like you guys would be a good match. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

  “Are you?” I ask, rolling my eyes.

  “Umm, no, I’m never going to feel bad about trying. It looked like you were having fun with Drake, though. How were those pool lessons?”

  When I think back to what it felt like to have Drake’s body molded to my back and his hands curled around mine, it’s hard to keep from blushing. He gets under my skin a lot, but I can’t deny how good he looks and the way he can make me feel. He’s different than anyone I’ve ever met, in good ways and bad.

  “Drake’s a good teacher. I mean, Eric and I beat you and Beau, didn’t we?”

  Kate’s head falls back onto her bed. “Don’t remind me. I suck.”

  I laugh. “You’re not that bad.”

  “Emery, I hit a ball off the table. Who does that?” she asks, losing herself in her own fit of giggles. It was funny when she did it, but for whatever reason, it’s even funnier now as we relive it.

  “You just need a lesson or two. You better talk to Beau.”

  “Don’t worry. He mentioned it on the way home last night.” She sits back up on her elbow. “So, what’s up with you and Drake? And don’t tell me nothing because I can see it.”

  “I don’t know. We’ve been spending a lot of time together working on the speech, and he’s starting to grow on me.” I honestly don’t know what to say. I couldn’t stand him the first couple times we talked, but that’s not necessarily true now. Sometimes I even look forward to it. “Besides, he was with a girl last night.”

  Kate scoffs. “He always has girls hanging on him. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  I shrug, folding my pillow under my head. “Maybe. Hey, I’m going to run to the mall today. Do you want come with?”

  “I can’t. I already promised Beau I would watch football with him.”

  “It’s okay. I’m sure you’ll approve of whatever I get anyway since our closets are almost identical,” I say, throwing the covers off and stretching my arms above my head. I’m looking forward to a relaxing day. Throw in a little bit of shopping, a good book, and it’s my idea of perfect.

  THE FIRST THING I NOTICE when I step outside is the wet sidewalks and the smell of fresh rain. The condensed moisture used to be one of my favorite things, but that’s not the case anymore. It’s the nine-year anniversary of one the worst days of my life, and without a football game today, running is my only release.

  I plan to stay out here until my body aches so much that my heart no longer hurts—not that it’s even fucking possible. I always thought it would get easier over time, but it doesn’t. Maybe it would if I dealt with it the way I should, but that’s hard to do with all the responsibility I carry. I’m supposed to be the strong one, taking care of everyone else in my family, but it hasn’t left any time for me. I barely know who I am anymore, because I’m too busy making sure that everyone else is doing okay and following a football dream that may not even be mine.

  Campus is quiet, but I wouldn’t expect anything less on a Saturday morning like this. My old tennis shoes hit the wet pavement, crunching against rain-soaked leaves. It brings me back to that morning because it was just like this … exactly like this in so many ways.

  Making it even more eerie, I pass a car that looks exactly like his. Usually, I keep my eyes forward when I run, but the similarities have me doing a double take, and that’s when I see her. Familiar dark hair, exotic brown eyes. As I approach the old white Ford, I watch her pound her forehead against the steering wheel over and over again.

  “Damnit!” I hear her yell. I lower my head, watching as she beats her palms against the dash. I lightly tap my knuckles against the glass, trying to get her attention without scaring her.

  The rain starts falling fast again, soaking through my white t-shirt. When I look through the window, she’s just staring at me, mouth hanging open slightly. Anxious to get out of the rain, I knock against the window again, and this time her fingers find the lock and let me in.

  She squints her eyes as she watches me climb into the passenger seat. The way her eyes roam my soaked clothes says everything … she thinks I’m an idiot, or I’m stalking her. It feels like I’m everywhere she is, or maybe she’s everywhere I am.

  “Couldn’t multi-task again?” I ask, running my fingers through my wet hair.

  “What makes you say that?”

  “You can’t stare at me and unlock the door at the same time,” I remark, focusing in on her white knuckles. “And you know, you probably don’t have to hold on to that so tightly when the car isn’t even moving.”


  She rolls her eyes, obviously not in the mood to play any games today. “Why are you here, Drake?”

  I shrug, looking straight ahead at the deserted, grassy area. “Because you let me in.”

  “Don’t you have a game today?”

  “No, it’s a bye week, which means we have today off. I thought I’d go for a run to keep myself loose, but then this happened,” I say, waving toward outside. The rain is falling harder now, making it more difficult to see out the windows. It also makes the weight on my chest heavier. I hate this weather. Absolutely fucking hate it, and everything it reminds me of.

  We both remain quiet for what feels like forever. I can’t stand it, honestly. Without anything else to talk about, my mind always goes to him, and it’s exhausting. There’s a chill in the air today, but the inside of her car is overwhelmingly warm. When my eyes finally wander back in her direction, she stares outside.

  “Are you always up this early when you don’t have a game?” she asks, breaking through the silence, but keeping her eyes fixed on the rain-soaked window.

  “I couldn’t sleep,” I say, rubbing my palm across my chest. Her eyes search for mine, and when they find them, they stay locked there. She looks lost. Sad. I wonder if this is the real her, who she hides under the stubborn, focused girl I usually see.

  Looking at her is like facing myself in a mirror. I want to know what’s going on inside that head of hers, but I’m not in the sharing mood today, and I’m not one to ask for something I can’t give.

  “So how was your date?”

  When I saw her come in with Kate last night in her short shorts and boots, I was excited. All sorts of ideas were running through my mind, but then I saw him. I couldn’t stand to watch her with him, so I kicked someone off our table and invited Emery over. Never in my life have I gotten jealous over a girl, but when I saw her with that guy … I wanted to take her away from him; so I did. I told myself it had more to do with saving her from a situation that was obviously making her uncomfortable, but deep down, I knew the true motivator.

  I’m not that fucking noble.

  It turned out to be one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time because there isn’t any pressure with her. We don’t always get along, but she’s honest and doesn’t want me for my name. Things are just comfortable.

  Rolling her eyes, she says, “I hardly consider that a date.”

  I laugh. “What would you consider it then?”

  “An unfortunate circumstance. Life is full of those.” The vision of Olivia walking up to me in the bar last night flashes through my mind. I feel like I can never escape her, and that’s unfortunate. What was even more unfortunate was the look on Emery’s face when I caught her staring at Olivia and me. I wanted to tell her she had it all wrong, but I have no reason to explain anything to her.

  “Did an unfortunate circumstance lead to you beating up your car? It must have done something pretty fucking bad,” I say, running my fingers along the dashboard.

  “My car wouldn’t start. I haven’t moved it since I got to school, and I think it forgot how to work.”

  I can’t suppress the half-smile that forms on my lips, but I know it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I definitely feel off balance today. I need to get back out there and run.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  The smile quickly crumbles as I look away from her. “I’m just tired of all this rain. It seems like there are very few sunny days.” The words are metaphoric … so much meaning behind them.

  “It’s still better than snow.”

  “Maybe,” I say, looking over at her again. “Do you want me to take a look at your car?”

  “You fix cars?”

  “Yes, I can throw the football and fix cars. Well, not everything, but if it’s something simple I can.”

  “If you wouldn’t mind. I really didn’t want to have to call my dad,” she answers as the drops fall harder against the windshield.

  “It’s no problem.” I smile, more genuine this time.

  “Thank you.” She stops, smiling back at me. “However, there’s not much you can do about my car right now … I mean with this rain. Do you want to look at it later?”

  “Do you have to be somewhere?”

  “No, I was just going to run a few errands.”

  I nod, leaning over to look up at the gray sky. “I think it’s supposed to clear up this afternoon. Do you want to work on our project, and then maybe later, I can come out and take a look at this bad boy again? I could use a distraction.”

  Taking my mind off things might help. I can’t just sit and sulk all day long.

  “Do you want to meet me in the library?” she stops, surveying my drenched clothes. “Maybe in one hour?”

  “This will be the first time I’ve been there since I’ve gone to this school.”

  “Doesn’t surprise me.”

  “One hour then,” I say, opening my door.

  Jogging back to my dorm, I think about her. I find myself doing that more and more lately. It’s not necessarily a good thing because I should be thinking about football and family. I owe it to him.

  An hour later, I’m walking into the place unknown: the library. It looks exactly how I thought it would, which doesn’t do anything to raise my excitement level. There are several tables full of students, all working quietly, and then a few other students sitting in front of their computers in a row of cubicles. Standing in here for more than five seconds feels like a punishment for me, like I’ve been placed in a world where I shouldn’t exist.

  Before anyone can question my presence, I walk around looking for Emery, but it’s not easy to find her in the sea of bookshelves. The voice in my head that is always leading me to the dark side is telling me that if I don’t find her in the first few minutes, I should leave. Cut my losses because it’s not like I didn’t try.

  I feel marginally better than I did when I saw her earlier this morning. I ran for another thirty minutes after I left her at her car, but I have a feeling another run might be needed before the day is over.

  I spot her hidden in the corner, surrounded by windows. Leave it to her to find the quietest, most desolate place in the library for us to meet. She looks casual with her hair pulled up in a ponytail, dressed in a worn Southern Iowa sweatshirt. She’s definitely low maintenance, but it fits her. That day when she ran into me, her big brown eyes were the first things I noticed. They’re always the first things I want to see.

  “I made it,” I say, throwing my bag onto the floor. Those eyes that always pull me in are on me now.

  “Are you expecting a band to come in and play a celebratory song?” she teases, tapping her eraser against the wooden table.

  “A smile would be nice.”

  Just like that, the corners of her lips turn up. She comes off as so tough, but yet I seem to find ways to loosen her up. “Happy now?”

  “As much as I can be in this place.” Some of the familiar heaviness weighs on my chest again. I try not to think of happiness … it’s a pipe dream for me.

  “What’s your story, Drake Chambers?” she asks, twirling her pencil between her fingers. I swear she’s seeing right into me; I just hope I’m not that fucking transparent.

  I shrug. “Maybe I don’t have one.”

  “Everyone has one.”

  “Not everyone has one they want to share,” I say, looking down at the wood table. Really, no one knows my story, and Emery isn’t going to get her name on an exclusive list.

  She nods, staring off into the rows of bookshelves.

  “Do you still need me to fix your car?” I ask in an attempt to change the subject.

  “Do you still want to fix my car?”

  “Of course. I’ll take a look at it after we leave here.”

  “So are you ready to get started on this? I kind of know what I want to do, but I need to do some research.”

  I rest my elbows on the table, leaning in as close as I can. “You got to go first last time. I think we s
hould start with your football lesson.”

  “Funny, Chambers. Don’t forget we’re in the library.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ll flip your lessons around. We’ll work on tackling another day,” I say, watching her eyes go wide. I fucking love how simple words affect her. She reminds me a lot of the good girls from my high school. They were always the most fun to tease.

  “Okay, I’ll play. What do you want to teach me?”

  “The difference between offense and defense.” I pause, watching her expression shift to that of someone who’s in the second hour of a long presidential address. I’m going to get a rise out of her no matter how hard I have to try. “I’m the quarterback, so I’m in charge of leading the offense down the field. Our job is to get down to the end zone as often as possible. The defense’s job is to make sure the other team doesn’t score. The offense has to score more than their defense lets the opposing team.”

  “Sounds easy enough.”

  I shrug, leaning in closer. “It’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. If someone isn’t where they’re supposed to be, or if one guy isn’t playing like he should, we lose. Consider it a bigger scale team project.”

  She tilts her head, seemingly hanging on my every word. As a smirk forms on her face, her eyes seem to brighten. “So am I on offense or defense?”

  “I always have the ball, Emery. Always.”

  She shifts her eyes to the window, doing her best to avoid me. It’s the truth. I always have to be in control. If I’m not, all I feel is chaos inside, and I can’t even think. I get the feeling that Emery is the same way so it will be a miracle if we get out of this able to stand each other.

  “Well, let’s see if we can work on your passing skills. How is your portion of the project coming along?” she asks, focusing her eyes back to me.

  “I just need to pull some facts from the web, and I’ll be all set,” I say, eyeing her carefully.

  “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but do you really think that’s enough?”