“I know. I remember your shock over his actions. I still can’t believe he just walked away and mailed you a letter.”
“It wasn’t exactly like that,” Sarah said, remembering she hadn’t told Bill everything.
Bill paused in taking a sip of soup. He raised an eyebrow. “And just how was it?” he asked pointedly.
“Don’t get that look with me, Bill. You may be like a brother to me, but that doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. You were engaged at the time, remember?”
He nodded, a wary expression on his face. “And?”
“Well, remember the surgery I had a few months ago?”
“For the tumor on your ovaries? Yes?”
“I didn’t tell you everything the doctor said. Unfortunately, I didn’t think it would be a problem, until I met André.”
Sarah laid down her spoon. The helplessness and rage boiled up again. Why, oh, why, had she lost almost all of her ovaries. “The doctor said that with only a quarter of one ovary left I’d likely never have babies.”
Only silence met that statement. She couldn’t look up at Bill and see the same disgust or even pity that might be on his face. But when he reached over and touched her hand, she couldn’t help but cast a glance at him. Only pain registered in his eyes. Surprised, she kept her gaze on his.
“And that’s why André left?” he asked.
Sarah felt tears brim in her eyes. “Yes. He said he needed time and took a vacation, but then he had his father get rid of me. I can’t explain the pain. I felt so inadequate as a woman, so angry at myself because I was useless.”
“Sarah, no. You aren’t useless.”
“Oh, yeah, I know that here.” She touched her head. “But not here.” She touched her heart. “Or here.” She touched her abdomen. “I’d always wanted kids. I thought André would adopt. I mean, true, I was devastated. I didn’t realize how important it was to him or his family that their line be carried on. I guess I should have. Every man wants a boy to carry on the family name.”
“Adoption would carry on the name.”
“But not the bloodline.”
Bill’s hands fisted and he said something under his breath. Sarah didn’t want to know. “Don’t be angry, Bill. It’s over and done with. And don’t pity me. I’ve accepted it, sort of.”
The waitress brought their sandwiches and they began to eat. Bill had gotten through half of his before he’d calmed down enough to resume the conversation. “What did you want to see me for, then?”
“It’s about Justin.”
“Has he done the same thing?” Bill demanded, his face beginning to turn red with outrage.
“No!” Sarah said, dropping her sandwich. She toyed with it for a moment before looking up at Bill. “He doesn’t know.”
“You’re serious about him,” he said, satisfied. Then he frowned. “Just how serious?”
“Very serious.”
Bill whistled. “And you haven’t told him?”
Sarah shook her head. “I kept putting it off because I was so embarrassed. After all, there was nothing really going on between us, so there was no need for him to know.”
Bill nodded. “I can understand your reasoning. Then it got serious and you couldn’t just blurt it out”
“That’s right,” she said, relieved he wasn’t going to condemn her.
“He asked me last night if I could love him. Oh, Bill, I want to say yes, but I know he’ll think I was hiding this from him. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so good with kids. You know, he told me he regretted not giving Mickie a brother.”
Bill reached out and took her hand. “But if you love him, Sarah, you have to tell him and leave the decision up to him.”
She nodded, blinking back her tears. “I know that. I just don’t know how. How do you say, ‘oh, by the way, I’m infertile and I know you want more kids, but you’re gonna have to pick between the two’?”
Bill frowned, then asked, “How’d you tell André?”
She laughed bitterly. “That was easy. One night he asked me if I wanted kids. Thinking he didn’t really want them, I said I was infertile so it didn’t matter.”
Bill winced.
“Exactly. Imagine my surprise when he asked me what had given me the idea he didn’t want kids. Then he said it was expected that the family bloodline be carried on through him. And all the time I’d thought he was different from his parents.”
“Justin isn’t like that.”
“But I just can’t ask him to pick,” she whispered.
“That’s his right, Sarah. Unless you can read his mind, you don’t know what he wants.”
“Just like André, huh,” she said, resigned.
“Yeah. Give Justin a chance.”
“But how?” she asked. “I’ve gone over this a million times. How do I go about telling him? What if he has questions? How can I stand there in front of him and give him all these answers without my emotions taking over?”
Bill now toyed with his sandwich instead of eating it. Bill never toyed with his food. That just went to show how touchy this subject was to a man.
Finally, Bill’s face brightened. “Do you have a copy of your doctor’s reports?”
“No. I never thought I could get them.”
“Of course you can. Here’s what you do. Use my phone,” he said, digging out his cell phone. “Call your doctor. Tell him you’re on your way over for copies of his reports. Get the copies, then highlight any pertinent information. Outline your speech, just as lawyers do when they’re working up a case, then present the argument to Justin. You can hand him the report copies and tell him he can read them over if he has any questions.”
Sarah brightened, too, feeling a burden lift from her shoulders. “You know, that just might work. If I have everything in front of me to show him, it might actually give me the courage to go through with this. At least then, when he backs off, I’ll know it wasn’t my fault because I bungled the telling, as with André.”
She dialed her doctor’s number.
“André isn’t like Justin,” Bill said. “Besides, I doubt you’ll get through the speech before Justin sweeps you into his arms and tells you it doesn’t matter.”
Sarah spoke into the receiver to the nurse who’d answered the phone, before responding to Bill. “I only wish it wouldn’t matter. But think how you’d feel if this were Marcy,” she said.
“I am,” he said softly just as Sarah turned her attention back to the phone and set up a time to pick up the records.
“I can go right over,” she said, handing Bill the phone back. She looked at him and her distress must have shown, because he reached out and took her hand.
“Sarah, he might be upset, but it’ll be for your benefit, not his. If he loves you, that’s all that’ll matter.”
“But it didn’t to André.”
“He didn’t love you,” Bill replied. “Besides, he’s weak. Justin isn’t. Would a weak man go back to a family who had been wronged by his partner and offer recompense for his wrongs?”
Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You’re right. What a fool I’ve been.” She stood and hugged Bill. “I’ve got to go.” She took out some money and tossed it on the table. “Don’t argue,” she warned when he opened his mouth. “You can treat me next time. And don’t mention this conversation to anyone until I get back and tell you the outcome.”
She headed toward the door, excitement making her steps bounce.
“Was that Sarah?”
Bill turned to see Justin walking up. “Yeah. We had lunch today. What brings you here?”
Justin seated himself across from Bill. “I called your office and they told me you were here.”
Bill was thankful Justin hadn’t shown up any earlier. Sarah would have found her plans to confide in Bill destroyed. She might not have had the ability to tell Justin everything as calmly and logically as she would now with her confidence restored. Bill didn’t say that; instead, he merely nodded. “So, what’s up
?”
Justin ordered coffee, then turned to Bill. “Sarah is.”
Bill raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean by that?”
“I hesitate to tell you just after finding you here with Sarah.”
Bill chuckled. “I don’t break confidences. But if you don’t want to talk about her, then let me tell you about Marcy.”
“I asked Sarah if she loves me.”
Oh, well, so much for his not wanting to confide in Bill. Bill didn’t think Justin had even heard his comment about Marcy.
Justin sipped his coffee and played with the sugar holder. “Well, I didn’t exactly phrase it that way. I never would have thought I’d say that to anyone again. But Sarah has a way of getting under your skin. I mean, I did hire her simply because I needed a sitter and wanted to prove to her I bore her no ill will. But I didn’t expect this.”
Oh, yeah, his buddy had it bad. And he couldn’t be more thrilled. Unlike Sarah, Bill didn’t think it would make a huge difference to Justin that Sarah probably couldn’t have children. No, Justin just wanted to find someone who would love him and love his little girl. No one could fill that bill better than Sarah. “So, what did you expect?” Bill asked, amused at the way his friend was fighting his feelings. He did feel just a little sorry for him, but he’d have tons of teasing material after Justin and Sarah were married.
“I don’t know. I didn’t know from the first day she showed up on my doorstep what to expect. It’s like I’ve been sucked into a tornado. My common sense went on vacation and I’ve been operating solely on emotions ever since.”
Bill chuckled. “Is that so bad?”
Justin grinned, but it was a self-deprecating grin. “I never dreamed I’d want home and hearth with a woman again, want to go shopping with her, see her carrying my child, watch her when she’s cooking or outside pruning the roses.”
Bill frowned at Justin’s words. “Well, what if she can’t cook or hates roses or doesn’t want kids?”
Justin shrugged. “Sarah can cook, likes roses and kids.”
“There’s a difference between liking kids and wanting kids.”
Again Justin shrugged. “That can be worked through. I just want her love.” He frowned then. “But she wants time. I know I’m being crazy, but I’m wondering if maybe she doesn’t feel obligated or something and that’s why she wants time, to work herself up into accepting my proposal.”
“Sarah’s not like that,” Bill said. “I’d bet she loves you, too.” It was as close as he could come without breaking his word to Sarah—something he wouldn’t do, no matter how much he wanted to at the moment.
Justin still didn’t look convinced, so Bill added, “Give her time. She’ll open up. Why else would she be marrying, if not for love?”
“So, how’d you get so wise?” Justin asked, joking.
Bill spread his arms. “Marcy fell into my arms with no problems, so I must be wise.”
Justin only laughed.
And though Bill laughed with him, he felt the first inkling of unease. Could Sarah have been right to worry about Justin’s reactions? Sarah had seemed so sure that Justin would be upset. And it was only now that Bill was finally realizing that Justin might actually not trust another female after the way Amy had hurt him.
He said a quick prayer that God would work everything out according to His will.
Chapter Twenty
“Daddy, do you love Aunt Sarah?”
Justin almost ran off the road.
“Wh-what did you ask, honey?” he sputtered. Kids always saw everything, he supposed, chastising himself for not hiding his feelings better.
“I love Aunt Sarah. She’s really nice. I just wondered if you love her, too.”
“Well, it’s sorta hard to explain,” he said, then glanced over and saw his daughter’s guileless look. “Yes, honey, I love Aunt Sarah. She’s very nice. But you have to remember, adult love is different. I mean, there’s more than just love to consider—”
He broke off and shook his head. Mickie wouldn’t understand what he was trying to say, when he himself didn’t understand what it was. Besides, she was grinning and looking at something she saw out the window. She didn’t need to hear his fears. He’d admitted to Mickie he cared for Sarah. What would Mickie understand besides that?
A lot, he thought warily, looking again to see if she was going to bring up the subject. When she didn’t, he realized a weight had lifted off him. He’d been wondering how to break his feelings to Mickie and just when to tell her. She acted as though it didn’t matter at all. Maybe that meant it wouldn’t matter if he and Sarah decided to marry. After all, Mickie had told everyone at school Aunt Sarah was her mom. Of course, lying about it and actually allowing someone else into his life were two different things.
Getting remarried was just too much for any one person to handle. He wondered how people managed the stress. Which made him wonder again why Sarah had been so hesitant to return his love. Oh, she enjoyed his kisses and embraces. They had a wonderful time together. And he saw something in her eyes that he’d never seen in his wife’s. Or was it his imagination? Did he really see a tenderness and yearning in Sarah, a desire to be with him always?
Suddenly aware of how much he wanted to see something special in Sarah’s eyes made him realize he’d made the right decision to bring home those applications. She was becoming too much of a temptation and he wouldn’t dare do anything that would hurt his daughter or Sarah’s reputation—or his soul.
“Look! Mrs. Winters is home!”
Justin had just pulled into his driveway, and he saw Mrs. Winters unloading her car. Relieved, he realized he could get Sarah out of the house quickly now. Maybe that was the problem. She was afraid to admit to him she cared for him because she was still living in the house. It would be much harder on them both if she admitted it while still living there. The temptation would be too great.
Getting out of the car, he allowed Mickie to go over and say hi to one of her favorite neighbors.
“Well, hi there, Mickie. How have you been doing?”
“Great! Did you know my aunt Sarah is living with us now?”
Mrs. Winters chuckled. “Is that so? You like her as your baby-sitter, do you?”
“Yeah, but she can’t cook as good as you. But that’s okay. Sometimes she cooks really, really good.”
Mrs. Winters chuckled again and turned to Justin. “I was going to come over later to let you know I was home. Whenever you needed me to baby-sit, I’ll be here.”
Mickie frowned and turned to her daddy. “We won’t need her if Aunt Sarah is here, will we, Daddy?”
Justin laughed. “Well, pumpkin, Aunt Sarah may be getting another job and leaving temporarily.”
Seeing the fear in her eyes, he added, “But she’ll be visiting you just about every day.”
“But you love her,” Mickie said.
Justin flushed under Mrs. Winters’s knowing look. Maybe he shouldn’t have told his daughter that, he thought wryly. He simply shrugged at Mrs. Winters. “Sometimes, pumpkin, that’s why you have to move out. It’s better since we aren’t married yet.”
Realizing that he’d accidentally added “yet,” he flushed in earnest. He wasn’t one to let something slip like that and he didn’t like that he’d done it in front of someone other than Sarah. “You’ll move out one day, honey,” Justin said, trying to cover his mistake, hoping Mickie wouldn’t realize what he’d said.
“Never, Daddy. I’ll always live with you.”
When she didn’t say anything else, he breathed a small sigh of relief. Things were just too good right now. He was lucky Mickie hadn’t caught his mistake and advertised it to the entire neighborhood. Turning back to Mrs. Winters, he said, “You’ll have to come over and meet Sarah before she leaves. Maybe for supper one night. Let me speak to her first.”
“Of course,” Mrs. Winters replied, and headed toward her door. “Take care of that daddy of yours, Mickie.”
“I will,” she s
aid, and crossed the street holding her daddy’s hand.
“Well now, if you’re gonna take care of me, then don’t you tell Sarah about the gifts we shopped for. Just go find her and tell her I’m home for lunch.”
“Okay!” Mickie said, and started up the stairs.
Sarah stared down at the pile of papers on the small writing desk. On top of them lay a clean sheet of computer paper with the words To Do:
Underneath she wrote:
1. Tell Justin I’m infertile.
2. Tumors discovered during annual Pap. Only one-quarter of an ovary left.
3. Why André dumped me…
No! she thought, and drew a line through the phrase.
3. Doesn’t deserve half a wife.
4. But I love him.
5. Give him doctor’s reports and tell him he can have time to read them.
Loud steps sounded on the stairs and Sarah realized Mickie and her daddy were home. Quickly, she shoved all the papers in the top drawer. Mickie was a dear, but she would question her to death if she caught her writing.
“Guess what?” Mickie said, running in. “Mrs. Winters is back and we bought Christmas presents and Daddy says you’ll move out, probably until you marry him, and he’s only going to be home for lunch today and you need to come fix it for him—can I go to the next-door neighbors’ since I’ve already eaten?”
Sarah blinked. Then she nodded. “But, Mickie,” she said as Mickie turned to run out the door, “don’t be telling anyone else what you told me, okay?”
Mickie shrugged and was out the door. Sarah realized she hadn’t made a bit of sense, but how could she have when she’d suddenly found out Justin was talking to his daughter about her and Justin getting married. And she hadn’t even had her talk with him yet!
Going down the stairs, she caught Justin just as he was coming into the living room. Swallowing her fear, she said, “I need to speak with you.”
When she realized she’d left her notes upstairs she started to turn. Justin’s smile stopped her.
The Best Christmas Ever Page 17