Justin shrugged. “Not exactly embarrassed, just expecting some less-than-sensitive person to make a joke about what Mickie said.”
He urged her forward toward the fourth row, then motioned her toward the middle. “I’m worried about someone making a nasty comment,” she replied, murmuring it for his ears only.
“No one will,” he said, so certain.
“How can you be so sure?” She seated herself, noting a small crowd not too far away pointing, their heads together. Her cheeks turned pink.
“I’m intimidating, if nothing else,” he replied, and took his seat beside her.
That caught her attention. “You know that?”
He chuckled and turned his warm gaze on her. “I’ve perfected it for business. One look can send troublemakers running.”
She rolled her eyes and fell back against her seat “I don’t believe you. All this time I thought you didn’t realize how you make people quake in their boots.”
“They quake in their boots, do they?” he asked arrogantly.
She couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re incorrigible!”
“Maybe, but you’re smiling now.”
Seeing the glint in his eyes, she said, “You did that on purpose.”
He shrugged.
Deciding it was wise to change the subject, she said, “So, is Mickie excited?”
Justin nodded. “She was dancing circles around the teacher when I dropped her off. She certainly has enough energy for the entire class tonight.”
Sarah smiled softly. “I know. She made me try the costume on her each time I put another seam together. She had to watch its creation, step by step.”
“That’s Mickie. Do you know, at three years of age she asked me how the earth was made and how come, if the sun was a star, the other stars didn’t have earths, too?”
Seeing the proud smile on his face, she realized he wasn’t complaining at all. “She’s something special.”
“She sure is. I love her. My only regret is that she doesn’t have a brother or sister.”
Just like that, Sarah’s smile collapsed. But she was saved from Justin’s noting it by the dimming houselights. Kids. Did that mean he wanted another one or that he had, at some time, wanted one when Mickie was younger? Maybe he thought he was too old now to have another baby. At least, she tried to tell herself that.
She felt his warm hand close over her smaller one and couldn’t resist the touch. Justin was not only causing her current conflict, he was also the very one who soothed it whenever she got too uptight.
Though he didn’t know what was the matter, he always seemed to sense when something bothered her and found ways to put her at ease.
His hand felt good, warm, secure. She liked the feel of it. She didn’t fight him but leaned closer, resting her arm against his and absorbing the heat from him, as if she could absorb his peace.
To a point it worked. The play started and she was able to relax as the children came out and sang an opening song. The play was about the shoemaker and the elves who came to help him make his shoes. Of course, it didn’t follow the fairy tale exactly. Everyone had a lot of fun as the different shoes sang their songs of what Christmas was about One pair, ballerina slippers, sang about the dancing at Christmas. Another pair, children’s shoes, sang about favorite baby dolls that children liked. Then a pair of tennis shoes that belonged to a little boy sang about how bad he’d been and how he wouldn’t get anything this Christmas. Through it all the adults laughed at the proper moments and cheered the different children. Only two small children forgot their lines.
Then it was Mickie’s turn. The shopkeeper was at his lowest and angels appeared, singing the joys of Christmas.
“Doesn’t she look great?” Justin whispered proudly as Mickie and the other children sang.
“Perfect,” Sarah answered, just as quietly.
Then the elves were out fixing the shoes. Before long, the angels were singing again, then the shopkeeper gave the shoes to the owners and was able to save his shop after all.
The angels came back out for the final scene, and Sarah watched Justin’s surprise and delight as Mickie sang a short solo. Her voice was loud and clear, and though she seemed scared when she first started, once she turned to her teacher and started singing, it went fine.
Justin looked as if he could pop buttons on his top he was so proud.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” he asked.
Sarah grinned. “She wanted to surprise you.”
“I didn’t know she could keep a secret,” he murmured, standing as the song finished and clapping along with everyone else.
Mickie came running out to where Justin and Sarah stood. “Are you proud, Daddy? Did I sing good?”
Justin swooped her up in his arms. “I’m very proud and you could make the angels sit up and take notice,” he said, bussing her cheek. “How about I take you out for a chocolate sundae to show you how proud I am?”
“Oh, cool! And I can stay up late since there’s no more school until after Christmas, can’t I?”
“I suppose so,” Justin said. “As long as you don’t get cranky.”
“Ice cream when it’s cold outside?” Sarah asked.
Justin chuckled. “That’s the best time.”
They stopped at an ice-cream shop on the way home and Mickie enjoyed a sundae with Justin, while Sarah insisted she didn’t want anything. She enjoyed watching the two decide on just what ice cream and toppings they wanted, arguing good-naturedly over what was the best, before they finally settled down at a table.
“I still can’t believe you wouldn’t have anything at all,” Justin said, taking a bite of his sundae.
“Doesn’t Aunt Sarah like ice cream?” Mickie whispered loudly to her daddy.
Justin turned to her, an eyebrow raised. “Is that the case? You don’t like ice cream?”
She smiled. “I’d be cold for hours if I put that in me,” she replied. “I do like it. But only in the summer.”
“But, Aunt Sarah,” Mickie said, “you just have to put more blankets on your bed when you get home and you won’t be cold.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Why didn’t I think of that?” she teased.
“In that case, you have to have one small taste,” Justin said, dipping his spoon in his sundae and holding it out to her.
Sarah looked at the spoon, then at Justin’s mouth, and flushed. Somehow, eating after him seemed so personal. And he knew it, if the innocent look he was giving her was any indication. She was never one to back down from a dare but there was always a first time. “I think…I’ll pass this time, thanks,” Sarah said quietly.
Justin hesitated a moment, then set the spoon back in his container. “Maybe that’s wiser after all,” Justin murmured, holding her gaze.
Then Mickie was done with her ice cream and ready to go. She noticed Justin had lost interest in his. The container was still almost full. He took it and dumped it in the garbage can.
They hurried through the biting wind to the car and in seconds were on their way home.
When they arrived, Sarah wasn’t surprised to find Mickie had drifted off. “She’s had a full day,” she said softly, opening the door for Justin.
He motioned her inside. Closing the door behind him, he said, “But as you know, she’s an early riser.”
He headed upstairs and Sarah trailed along. Going to her drawers, she dug out Mickie’s warm p.j.’s and handed them to Justin, who had already stripped off her shoes and socks. He lifted her and slipped the costume over her head, then pulled her top on.
Sarah folded back the sheets and added another blanket. “It’s getting colder earlier this year,” she whispered as Justin covered up Mickie.
He said a quick prayer over her, then kissed her and stood. Sarah added a kiss to Mickie’s cheek, then left the room. Justin pulled the door closed behind him.
Then they both stood there staring at each other. Sarah had enjoyed the companionship tonight, the feel of another hu
man next to her, the joy of sharing a joke. She hated for it to end.
Evidently, so did Justin. “You want some cocoa before you go to bed?”
Sarah’s eyes widened. She opened her mouth to say yes, but he must have thought otherwise, for he added, “You did say you’d have trouble warming up.”
She chuckled, her mouth spreading into a smile. “I’d love some. But why don’t you let me make it.”
He nodded. They walked down the stairs together and she went into the kitchen, where she quickly made up some cocoa. Coming back out, she found Justin, his hands in his jean pockets, standing before the blinking Christmas tree, staring thoughtfully at it.
The whole room looked like Christmas with the tree blinking, the silver icicles waving gently from the air blowing out of the overhead ducts. Greenery with gold and red was draped across everything. Stockings were suspended from the mantel. And mistletoe hung from the fan in the middle of the living room.
The room had a very homey feeling, one she was proud of, since she’d done most of the decorating.
“This is the best the house has looked since before Amy died,” Justin said, turning from the tree and coming over to take his cocoa. He seated himself by Sarah on the couch.
Sarah took a sip of her cocoa, continuing to stare at the tree despite Justin’s presence next to her on the right or the fireplace on the left. She kicked off her shoes and folded one foot under her, then slipped the other one up on the coffee table. “Everything was in the attic, Justin. All you had to do was pull it down and put it up.”
Justin shrugged. “When Amy died, some of the magic died, too, I suppose. I had no desire or wish to celebrate an all-out humdinger of a Christmas again.” He took a sip of his cocoa, then said, “But I’d forgotten what I was missing. What Mickie was missing.”
Sarah wrapped her hands around her mug. “No wishes?” she asked, thinking of all the wishes she’d had that Christmas.
“No happy ones,” he said, echoing her feelings. “They were all tainted with my dark thoughts over all the grief Mickie and I were experiencing.”
He shifted his body, which brought him closer, though she doubted he realized it, staring as intently as he was at the blinking lights. “But that’s what I was doing just now—thinking about Christmas wishes. Christmas has always been considered a time for kids, but I’ve always made my own Christmas wishes, too. After all, wasn’t that when we received the greatest gift? It reminds us that there is such a thing as happiness and goodness and the chance for things to turn out right in the end.”
Sarah nodded. “I agree. It should be a time of hope and joy, and a time to remember that Amy’s in a better place.”
Justin sank back into the cushions of the couch. “That was the conclusion I came to last year. I guess that’s why this year it has been easier during the holidays and we’ve done so much better.”
He took another sip of his cocoa, then turned toward Sarah. “So tell me, what is your Christmas wish this year?”
The crackling of the flames from the fire Justin had started while she was in the kitchen was the only sound in the room. She looked into Justin’s deep brown eyes and wanted to tell him, You. I want you for Christmas. But since that wasn’t appropriate—she could just imagine her mother rolling over in her grave if she said that—she said, instead, “I don’t know. Maybe a family.”
She saw him set his cup down and she felt the air around them change.
“But you have us, Sarah.”
She nodded. Oh, dear. Her and her big mouth. She couldn’t explain that she wanted a baby to hold, couldn’t tell him about the pain inside her heart. But the pain wasn’t as bad if she thought of Mickie as partly hers. No, she couldn’t say that, so instead she asked him, “And you? What do you want for Christmas? What are your wishes?”
Justin turned his gaze back to the tree, which relieved Sarah. He was too perceptive and she’d just known he was going to see something she hadn’t wanted him to. She studied his masculine jaw, the hint of shadow his gold whiskers caused. Short light lashes didn’t move as he stared hard at the tree.
“Earlier in the year I might have said the only wish I had was for my favorite little girl to be happy.” A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “Mickie is already a very happy girl, though. Still, I’d like to erase the loneliness in her eyes sometimes. Of course, I could’ve also wished business were better, but it’s going really good.” The smiled widened and he turned, his eyes touching hers. “I could also wish for a normal tie that didn’t have some sort of cartoon or fish or even flower on it.”
Sarah laughed, but the laughter was strained because the look on his face had just turned serious.
“But things have changed,” he said. “If I had to ask Santa now, it’d be for a warm, loving woman who could love me in return.”
Her mouth fell open. Her breath lodged in her chest. She couldn’t comment for anything in the world.
And she didn’t have to. Justin, taking her quiet as a signal for him to continue, pulled her gently into his arms and lowered his lips to hers.
I could love you, she thought fleetingly as his warm, tender lips, expertly wrung a response from her. I do love you.
She had been wanting, for more than an hour, for him to kiss her. The kiss was brief and achingly tender. Her heart was racing and her fingers tingling when he pulled back. She opened heavy eyelids to see Justin gazing down at her.
“You know any women like that?” he asked huskily.
Sarah stared at him a moment, trying to figure out what he was talking about. When she realized he was asking her if she loved him in return, her gaze slid away. “It’s not that easy,” she said, trying to hide the pain. Did he really mean he loved her and was serious about her? Her heart thudded in her chest.
“Yes, Sarah, it is. It’s that easy. All you have to say is yes.”
Oh, no! No! No! No! It wasn’t that easy at all. Her chest felt as if it were going to explode with the pain of what she needed to tell him. Why didn’t you tell him before this? Because she hadn’t known this was coming. What could she say? She knew what she wanted to say. But fairy tales were just that. Fairy tales. Make-believe. They didn’t come true. “Can you give me some time?” she asked hesitantly, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.
But she felt it. He stiffened and pulled back. “Of course I can, Sarah. I’d never pressure any woman for an answer like that.”
She’d ruined the night. That sweet sharing spirit was gone, replaced by one of formality. As if to prove her point, Justin changed the subject.
“I wanted to let you know there are two openings at my business that I think you’re qualified for.”
She turned shocked eyes on him. Surely he wasn’t that upset.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. I said I’d give you time to think, and I will. But just because I’m giving you time doesn’t mean I won’t stop wanting a relationship with you.”
This time Sarah’s eyes widened with comprehension. He really did care for her, really did have serious feelings for her…
“However, I think it’s time that we changed the living and working arrangements. I don’t want you to feel pressured or feel uncomfortable. We both know that despite our feelings nothing improper has gone on here. But people like Stephanie Williams may start gossip. I want to protect you from that sort of thing,” he added.
She nodded. “Fine. Okay.” She stood.
Justin turned his gaze back toward the Christmas tree, and though she knew he was amused at her reaction, she could still see the sadness in his eyes. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll clean up the cups tomorrow. I think I should just go to bed.”
Justin nodded. “Good idea, Sarah mine. Go to sleep and dream of tonight. Let me know when you’re ready to talk again.”
Knees knocking, she almost ran up the stairs. She wondered what he thought her reasons were for not answering. Surely he realized she was just as attracted to him, that she had fallen head over heels in l
ove with the kind, generous, loving person he was. She could easily live happily ever after with him.
But of course he wouldn’t know that, nor would he know it was he who would be having second thoughts when she finally told him the reason she had avoided answering him: she had to give him a chance to turn her down after he heard about her problem.
And she would make sure to go talk to Bill tomorrow. Maybe he would have a suggestion on how to tell Justin about her affliction without his being hurt or feeling used.
Please, Father, help me, she whispered, going into her room. Please help me find a way to keep from hurting him. I’ve waited too long already and all I can now see is pain in the future.
Chapter Nineteen
“Over here.”
Sarah glanced across the lunch crowd to where Bill was seated. She waved and crossed to him. “Boy, I’d forgotten how busy this place is. It’s been an eternity since I’ve been here.”
Bill pulled out her chair and she rolled her eyes.
“So, what’ll you have?” he asked as the waitress walked up.
Sarah thought about not ordering anything. She’d been a nervous wreck since talking with Justin the night before. But she knew Bill wouldn’t let her get away without eating. “Soup, salad and sandwich of the day,” she said to the waitress. “And ice water.”
Bill ordered the same, and in no time at all the waitress was back with their salad. Bill devoured half of his before pushing it away and starting his quiz. “So, you wanna tell me what was eating at you when you were over at the house?”
Sarah swallowed a bite of salad, feeling that it was a lump of coal instead of a tasty ranch-dressing-coated piece of lettuce. “I enjoy my job,” she started, wondering now if she should really discuss this with Bill. She loved Justin. It was him she should be telling, not Bill.
But Bill couldn’t hurt her the way Justin could, she realized.
“I’m not blind. Your job isn’t the only thing you enjoy there, either,” he said bluntly. “Tell me, what’s bothering you.”
“You’re always so impatient,” she grouched. She nodded toward her salad when the waitress came back, indicating she was done, then accepted the soup. “I was furious, humiliated, upset and a whole other list of things when André left.”
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